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BS: Bobert's Christmas Story...
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Subject: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bobert Date: 24 Dec 07 - 07:27 PM CAUTION: I may have allready told this story here in Mudville but can't rightly remember and don't want to go thru 10,000 plus post to see if I have so... BTW, do not read this story unless you have 10 or 15 minutes of your life to completely waste... End of CAUTION... _____________________________________________________________________ "Bobert's Christmas Story" Okay, before we can get this story goin'... ...we need to introduce the the cast of characters. Playing Bobert is Bobert... Playing Bobert's wife is the mother of my son, Will (Ben to you, don't ask...), Sheila. Playing the neighborhood bad dog is Taylo, who by no choic of mine spent the last 5 years of his life sleeping in my house thinkin' he was my dog??? Hah!!! Sumabich were no more my dog than... Well, nevermind him for now 'cause we are in the midst of introducin' the cast... Okay, playing my parent were my parents who, at the time of the story, were living in Kansas City, Mo. and who I hadn't seen in maybe, ahhhhh, 4 or 6 years... The year was I think 1981 but it might have been 1980 or even 1982 so we'll just paly safe with 1981. We were living in a great old 20's house in South Richmond with 5 bedrooms and 4 working firplaces just a stones throw from the James River... My parents had flown east to visit with my brother and his family in Loudoun County, Va. and the plan was for them to borrow my brother's car, drive to Richmond and spent Christmas Day with Sheila and me... Having not seen my parents in 4 ot 6 years I wanted everything to be perfect and had a checklist of things to do before they arrived, Yup, we were going to have a wonderful Christmas Day and a big Christmas Day feast of turkey and all the fixin's and everything was in place for a perfect day... The morning of Christmas Eve we took the frozen turkey out, put it on the back porch to thaw, and as it spent the day thawing we went around the house checking things off the checklist and by that evening every "t" had been dotted and every "i" crossed and we went to bed just knowing that all would be well... Afterall, it *was* Christmas, right??? Well, my fellow Catters, Christmas morning arrived and all was very mellow with music, fresh ground coffee and not a problem to be had until... ...Sheila went to the back porch to get the turkey so it could get cooking but instead of a turkey on the back porch there was an echo... No turkey!!! What??? Did that turkey wake up in the middle of the night, peek thru the door into the kitchen, see that oven, grow back all the stuff he used to have before going to live in the Fresh FoodMart frozen turkey department and fly the heck away??? This weren't a high crime area and, well, it just didn't make any sense... Now, friends, with my parents 5 hours from knocking on the front door, it don't take a rocket surgeon to tell ya' that you got a big problem... We're talkin' Christmas morning here!!! So the poor ol' Bobert got on the phone to see if he could find a grocery store open that might have a thawed turkey but, shoot it was Christmas morning and just finding a grocery store open was a true blessing from the Big Guy, hisself, but I found one on the other end of town... No, they didn't have any thawed turkeys but they did have 3 or 5 frozen ones left in the frozen turkey department so I figured... ...danged if I know what I figgured... All I knew is that I had to do something.... And fast... So I cranked up my ol' 1969 Volkswagen bus and raced over to the grocery store hoping I'd beat the the other folks who had somehow managed to misplace their turkeys and worry about thawing the sumabich when I got it home... But in the way doen to the grocery store some very intersting thoughts came thru my mind about just how one sould go about thawing a frozen turkey... Yeah, the first idea was to take it to the laudramat and put it in a commercial clothes dryer and then I thought I'd just take it home and get in a hot shower with it and turn it 'round and 'round like some kinda thawin' rotiserrie then I thought... Nevrmind what I thought... I hate to get banned from Mudcat on Chritmas Eve but on the way home I had the turkey right next to the heater in the VW bus hoping that would help... (Heat in a VW bus, Bobert??? In the winter??? Hhahahaha...) Knowing that time was not on my side I drove as fast as the bus would go... like 35 mph... and took all the short cuts even heading down an alley a block away from my house to aviod a stop sign... I was flying down that alley at 34 or 35 mph when a rather large whitish object caught me eye so I slammed on the brakes, slid back the frost covered driver's side window, looked down in the drainage ditch and there before my very own eyes was the runaway turkey... "Hmmmmmm, how did it get a half a block away" immediately came to mind but I was down to "P Minus 4" and there wasn't time for any additional thinking on my part as I jumped out grabbed the turkey, threw it on the passenger seat just a few feet from it's frozen couzin next to the heater (haha) and prodeeded the last half a block to the our house... So I ran in the house with the thawed bird in one hand and its frozen couzin in the other and dropped them both into the kitchen sink... Well, folks... Do you remember me telling you about the cast of characters??? Remember Taylo, the sumab.... ahhhh, dog??? Well the thawed turkey had several punctured in the plastic wrappin bag that looked one heck of alot like the kind of holes one might expect to see if a dog had tried to bite its way into a thawing turley in a plastic wrapper... Plus, the turkey was found in an alley where Taylo loved to hang out so Sheila and I summized that that sumab... ahhhh, dog had tried to make off with the turkey... Heck, maybe it had happened just a minutes before Sheila discovered it missing and dropped it and ran... Who knows??? We took the turkey out of the plastic wrapping bag, examined the bird and it's frozen cousin and decided, "What the Hell??? You can't cook a frozen bird" and so cook it we did... My parents arrived and everything went great... They loved the house and we all had a grand ol' time opening presnts and visiting and then it was time for "The Christmas Dinner"... Everything was wonferful... My mom, bless her heart, said the turkey was the best she had ever eaten and my dad, well, he went back for second and maybe thirds... After dinner we were all sitting around enjoying coffee and a little B&B liquir and I just happened to look over at Sheile and she at me and we both just broke out laughing uncontrollably liker school kids. My folks, of course, were wondering just what the inside joke was about. Hey, I had to tell them... Then there we all were... Laughing uncontrolably like school kids, sipping coffee and liquir and digesting dog chew-on turkey... I don't think it gets any better than that, my friends... But my advice to you this Christmas Eve is that if you are thawing your turkey on the back porch you might just want to bring it inside for the night... The End Merry Christmas to all my friends here in Mudville and if you haven't heard the story I hope you enjoyed it and if you have, its still worth a reread... Bobert |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Sorcha Date: 24 Dec 07 - 07:53 PM LOL...I missed it the first time. Love it! Reminds me of the Jewish bride who was cooking dinner for her man and his family. Did the turkey thing...proudly carrying it into the dining room when the sumab dog tripped her and the turkey went flying! Her mum grabbed up the turkey and headed for the kitchen loudly proclaiming..Oh, Rachel, I'm SO glad you cooked that other turkey! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: SINSULL Date: 24 Dec 07 - 08:38 PM Wasn't Mrs. Roosevelt said to have said the same thing when the butler dropped the turkey on the way to the table? Our beagle tried to make off with a cooked turkey twice as big as she was and would have if we hadn't heard it hit the floor. She also ran off with a roast beef. Bad dogs! But they leave us stories to tell. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: ranger1 Date: 24 Dec 07 - 08:50 PM Sort of reminds me of that scene in "A Christmas Story" where the neighbors' pack of hounds make off with the cooked turkey and then the family ends up having to go to a Chinese restaurant. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Geoff the Duck Date: 24 Dec 07 - 08:56 PM Too knackered to rread just now. Merry Christmas folks. Quack Geoff. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Sorcha Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:05 PM Look, at this point, I'd LOVE to go out for Chinese on Christmas Day, hell, I'd even settle for take away Chinese! And I'm not even cooking!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:05 PM We had an early Christmas dinner for an old friend (Bette) and her family, who we used to always gather with on Thanksgiving. She retired to Arizona four years ago so when she manages a trip back to Fort Worth she stays for a couple of weeks and visits everyone. I had two days notice that the party was at my house this year, on Saturday night. This is a group of people who at one time were mostly members of two families. Several of us have divorced, but the exes still turn up for the holiday dinners (and one very good surprise birthday party last summer). This group is multilingual, well-traveled, highly educated, and can be very silly and wherever we gather is a great place to bring the occasional individual who didn't have family to spend the holiday with. This year I had two of those somebodies, a writer and her son, who had moved here last winter after two deaths in the family. Moving into one of the family homes was a desirable choice, but they don't know many people yet. I learned (via her blog) that my friend brought her knitting for "just in case" she ended up having to entertain herself in a corner while the party happened. Not so! She's a good cook and was an able hand in the kitchen as I produced a roast turkey and dinner rolls while the others brought the fixings. Anyway, it was very clear and cold on Saturday. The writer arrived first and I heard her drive up so met her at the side door, which is covered by a decorative steel security door (there's one in front also). We're in the kitchen talking and all of a sudden we heard a strange loud tap on the kitchen window. My ex had been at the side door with a pie in each hand and no one answered the doorbell he had elbowed. He put one pie down and waded through a hedge and banged the kitchen window with his car keys. He came in complained about the doorbell not working. A while later there was a strange hollow banging at the side door and we let guest of honor Bette in. She started talking and catching up, and I assuming she'd driven herself and parked out front, I took her coat and we headed for the kitchen. Only to realize after a few minutes that she forgot to tell us that there were several others freezing on the front porch where that doorbell wasn't working either. All of a sudden she did an "ohmygosh" and we charged to the front, but there was no one there, so we raced to the side door to find a large group of frozen people waiting to get in. Their breaths were all white in the porch light and they looked like popsicles. My daughter drove in later and couldn't get in, so called her father on his cell phone to let her in because she didn't have her keys. The doorbell only worked for one guy the whole night. Geez! I've been out on the porch today trying to get these bells in order. I think the painters a couple of weeks ago may have contributed to this problem--there are three bells at two different doors and at least one was painted to a standstill. Not as side-splitting as Bobert's story, perhaps, but when I finally fell into bed on Saturday night I found myself chuckling about that doorbell problem as I fell asleep. SRS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Sorcha Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:12 PM Maggie...that is the beginning of a Why I Hate Doorbells story! LOL...I hate the damn things too. Just come on IN, for gods sake! It ain't locked ya know! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:21 PM They are locked here, we live in a big city and had a burglary a few years ago. But I should have left the side door open. That's a sign of living in the city too long, isn't it? Doesn't occur to us to leave it unlocked. This was just one story. It was dark when the friend with the bag of knitting didn't see that she dropped the sack beside her car and it blew all over three yards and into the woods across the road. The next morning we found most of the contents (balls of mohair and silk yarn are light as a feather). One 12" square start of a scarf in a different wool was the worse for the wear, driven over and mashed into the frozen sand in the neighbor's driveway. When my daughter brought it in the scarf was a dirty frozen plank filled with leaves and sand. I manage to wash it pretty clean. The rest was okay. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Sorcha Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:56 PM Oh oh oh oh...my, laffing here...I KNOW it isn't really funny, but it IS! And yes, song of the city...lived there too long. Git out now while you can! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bobert Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:57 PM Wow... I was following the doorberll story when I realized that inorder for the ex, with two pies, to knock on the window, that one of the two pies had to have been set down somewhere to free up a hand... I was half expecting a half dig eaten pie story but... Okay, this is my last Christmas Eve "half eaten" story... Back when I was a teenager my parents were holding a very special dinner for some of my dad's business associates and my mom had spent the after noon in the kitchen getting things ready... The guests arrived... The food was cooked and ready to be serves when I walked into ther kitchen to find the family dog, Snoopy, up on his hind feet chompin' away at a platter full of some kinda roast and had put a purdy good dent in what my mom had fixed... Well, I threw the dog out, quietly asked my mom to come back into the kitchen and showed her what Snoopy dog had done whereby she didn't miss a beat in sayin' "Sh*t!!! I'm going to kill that dog" and then turning into Dr. Jekyl, looking at me and saying, "Oh, this will be fine" as she calmly repositioned what Snoppy hadn't yet gotten to around the serving platter... B~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bert Date: 24 Dec 07 - 10:04 PM Talking of doorbells, Tree's Momma's doorbell broke and it wasn't worth the trouble finding the break in the old wiring so we bought her a wireless one. We put the bell part on top of the cabinet in the kitchen where it could be heard throughout the house. Some months later Momma complained that her doorbell wasn't working. Tree went over to fix it thinking it just needed new batteries. She goes into the kitchen and looks on top of the cabinet - NO DOORBELL! She says "Momma, where did that box go that was on top of the cabinet here?" Momma says "Oh, I put that in the garage" Tree says "Go and get it, and hold it in you hand here" then she goes out and rings the doorbell - Momma jumps out of her skin!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 25 Dec 07 - 10:05 AM Cats & turkeys (not my story, but obviously someone else's experience) Cat's Twelve Days of Christmas On the first day of Christmas, my cat ruined for me - a brand new Christmas tree On the second day of Christmas, my cat accompanied me - to the vet after eating all the frozen turkey On the third day of Christmas, my cat wrecked for me - thirteen ornaments on my Christmas tree On the fourth day of Christmas, my cat broke for me - a statue in my Lenox nativity On the fifth day of Christmas, my cat scratched for me - the kid who collects for charity On the sixth day of Christmas, my cat opened for me - the presents beneath my Christmas tree On the seventh day of Christmas, my cat lost for me - the pearls I bought for Mary On the eighth day of Christmas, my cat helped me - put the tinsel back on the tree On the ninth day of Christmas, my cat destroyed for me - my Christmas card list by hitting the computer's delete key On the tenth day of Christmas, my cat hid from me - the remote control from my TV On the eleventh day of Christmas, my cat ate for me - the drumsticks off my turkey On the twelfth day of Christmas my cat rested. And so, thank goodness, so did I. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: GUEST,leeneia Date: 25 Dec 07 - 12:13 PM Thanks for the stories. esp to Bobert. I'm taking the main dish for Christmas dinner to a friend's home today. We are making 'Methodist Ladies' Chicken Fricassee' from the Nero Wolfe cookbook. Wolfe at three plates of it at a state fair one day. When all is said and done, I hope no funny story emerges today. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Riginslinger Date: 25 Dec 07 - 01:02 PM Great story Bobert. I can remember using the Nero Wolfe cookbook as well. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 25 Dec 07 - 04:39 PM There's a Nero Wolf cookbook? Where!? I'd love to find out more about what Rex Stout was thinking when he wrote those wonderful stories. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 25 Dec 07 - 04:46 PM Bette was talking to someone in the kitchen when I looked over to realize that she wasn't just leaning on the kitchen counter, she had her elbow planted in my rising dinner rolls! With an injured protest I quickly rescued my rolls and had to let them rise longer to regain their shape. They came out of the oven just as Bette came in with another distraction, something that must be handled even as I stood with a pan of hot rolls. The writer watched as three of them slid from the pan to the kitchen floor. I quick scooped them up and told her sotto voce "what happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen, just like Julia Child said." They were arranged into the platter and put on the sideboard with everything else. It was a pretty funny meal. :) SRS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bobert Date: 25 Dec 07 - 05:18 PM Men people believe in the "5 Second Rule", SRS... If you get it off the floor in 5 seconds it's just fine... B;) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: SINSULL Date: 25 Dec 07 - 05:53 PM If not, kiss it up to god. If it works for old chewing gum it should work for new rolls. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 26 Dec 07 - 01:29 AM Before our cold weather set in on that Saturday I washed both of my dogs. I didn't want people going out back to meet them then complaining "eew! My hands smell like dog!" I was out of our usual vet shampoo (meant for horses but good on dogs also) so they were washed in my son's bathroom with White Rain shampoo. Lavender scent. They've been the culprits in numerous stories of things gone missing. No turkeys (so far) but they have chewed many non-food items to pieces. SRS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: gnu Date: 26 Dec 07 - 03:07 AM Minds me.... I recall Phyllis Diller (US Comedienne) saying sommat like, "My MiL is soooo snobby. She said she raised Fang in a house where you could eat off the floors. You can eat off the floors in my house. Just look around until you find what you want." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: GUEST,Bee,no cookie Date: 26 Dec 07 - 09:31 AM Good stories, folks. Hope all had a good Christmas day, without too much lost to kitties and dogs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Charley Noble Date: 26 Dec 07 - 12:16 PM I'm glad that I waited until after Christmas dinner to read this thread. Mother will never forget the year that she left the frozen turkey thawing too long in the back room. It was too ripe to roast but well thawed. That was the year we had roast lamb and a couple of steaks. Cheerily, Charley Noble |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bobert Date: 23 Dec 11 - 09:15 PM Well, well, well... Yeah, I said that I had posted my last "new story" for 2011 and I have but... ...this isn't a new story but a good 'u for those of you who haven't read it or even those of you who have... Merry Christmas... B~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: gnu Date: 23 Dec 11 - 09:53 PM I remember it like it was just reread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bobert's Christmas Story... From: Bobert Date: 24 Dec 11 - 08:23 PM Fact is stranger than fiction... B~ |
