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Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart?
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Subject: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 06 Jun 99 - 09:50 PM Last Tuesday my first love told me (over the phone!) that he does not want a relationship but still "cares" for me. Guys, kindly enlighten me - why are some men so afraid of being close to someone? This man is devoid of emotion methinks. He is irritatingly cerebral and logical ... I have been enjoying (ha!) the opportunity to artistically exploit my battered emotions ... singing my lungs out, dancing until exhausted, banging on the bodhran ... anything to expel the nervous energy. Tell me Mudcatters, what is your remedy for a broken heart? Please put some polish and shine this rusty old day for me ... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: marlor Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:02 PM Hi: Gee I'm sorry to hear that. Afraid I can't help you though. I know it sounds trite, it'll take time. You will feel better. I got over my borken heart by looking ahead. I had a job search to do, and a trip to plan. Ee gads. That was 10 yhears ago. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: campfire Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:07 PM Well, Fair YoungMaid, I could tell you the number of times I heard that same line. I used to think it was written somewhere on the top of my head, where I couldn't see it, but anyone who kissed me goodnight a few times couldn't miss it. "I'll always cherish your friendship, (I just don't feel the same way you do)" Yes, I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you. The litany could continue, but then I'd be joining you in the singing, dancing, drum beating "artistry". Being well beyond Fair Young Maidhood myself, I can tell you that life will go on, and there will be another one around the corner or in the sea or, if you're like me, at some music club. (Your mother has already told you all these things, I'm sure) Then some day, you'll see "him" somewhere, and wonder what it was all about, anyway. Well, maybe not. There's a few of mine out there I STILL beat the drum for once in a while. Good luck in your recovery. I understand, even if I can't help. If you find a "cure", pass it on. campfire |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: manylodges (inactive) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:16 PM Time heals all wounds, find another to hold your heart. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:48 PM Over the past five years my son has introduced us to a couple of his girlfriends--and just as we became fond of them broke off the relationships, saying about the same thing--in both cases he kept getting back together with the women, only to break up again--and again. He's going to the first one's wedding next month...they really have remained good friends; the second, not so friendly a breakup. That's not quite as bad as my nephew who last year suddenly told his wife he was in love with a woman he had communicated with only on the interenet, and moved out the same day, leaving his year old son as well. We continue to have a close relationship with his ex-wife: she and her son spent a weekend with us in May. We haven't had much contact with him, although we include him in our family emails. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: MAG (inactive) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:58 PM I found a book called *How to fall out of love* useful. One of the many excellent tips was: "Picture him with a shit pie all over his face." It certainly helps dispel any romantic delusions you had left. And David Rae has a song he calls "Quit yer Bitchin.'" Don't know if he's recorded it. -- MA |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Lonesome EJ Date: 06 Jun 99 - 11:15 PM First love hurts the worst when it ends. There is the powerful illusion that this is the first and only person for you, if only you could get through to him or her. Be assured that the agony will never again be as great. I guess we develop some callouses on our souls over the years, for better or worse. As we age we abandon many of our illusions, and we love more wisely, but never again with such blind passion. I suggest you write him a letter saying exactly how you feel. You can send it or bury it in a drawer or burn it- but it may give you some clarity. And if you want to talk about it there are many here that care, Fair. LEJ |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Neil Lowe Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:42 AM I read an article a long time ago about the Israeli military and their experiments with allowing women to participate in combat alongside the infantrymen. They had to abandon the idea. Not because the women were not physically and psychologically as capable as the men at bringing about death and destruction to the enemy, but because they found that the men couldn't handle it emotionally. Seems during this period there were higher rates of depression, suicidal tendencies, apathy, mental breakdown, etc. among infantrymen who had witnessed the gruesome death of one of the female soldiers due to land mines, mortar rounds, rifle fire, what have you. All this in an attempt to provide a theory as to why men may be more emotionally "distant," or fear intimacy more than women. Perhaps men can't handle or have experienced one or more times the pain of losing someone close to them and the reaction is to isolate those emotions so they will never be felt again. (Cue talent: "Hi! I'm not a licensed therapist but I play one on TV.") As far as addressing the observation that he's cerebral and logical.....for lack of a better response I'm going to wimp out and take refuge in the "it's genetic" hypothesis. Contrary to popular belief, there are differences among men and women that don't make us unequal, just...different, thankfully. Not that women can't be cerebral and logical, but it seems a lot of times women and men take different paths in certain endeavors to come up with the same solution to a problem. I am fascinated when my wife comes up with a (to me) unique and innovative solution to a problem, a solution that I never would have contemplated. But to her it's the usual way she goes about solving a problem, and she's amazed that I find it so intriguing ("Isn't that the way you do it?" she asks). As far as addressing the subject line of your message: some of "Kentucky's finest" and liberal doses of Hank Williams have worked for me in the past...it's a band-aid solution at best, and not meant as a permanent "cure" for this malady, but it may numb feelings and obliterate memories long enough to figure out something better. Caveat Emptor: I emphasize the operative word "me" in the last statement. Judging from the number of Country&Western songs written on the subject, however, I surmise I'm not the only one has found temporary solace and comfort by drowning one's sorrows. Ultimatey, of course, you have to figure out on your own what works best for you. Good luck. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:56 AM Fair Youngmaid, What we project onto our first really deep romantic love is, for the most part, an illusion of who that person is. We project what we imagine can be possible with that person. (But then, the real person would have to change, wouldn't he?) Most people have felt what your are feeling, and as you get older, you will eventually realize that a more realistic life and love is possible with someone else. What you want is someone who does know that he loves you and isn't afraid to say he wants to be with you, right?? That man is out there, you just haven't met him yet. Learn to be a good, realistic judge of character, and hold out for the man you can respect and with whom you can communicate honestly. Sing alot! Find the lyrics that our ancestors wrote, trying to warn us against these doomed types of relationships. Hang in there, Maid. alice |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bert Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:14 AM I don't think you do really. You patch it up with songs and friends and work and whiskey and tears and sticky tape and superglue, but the cracks still show now and then. Remember the good times, find some new interests, meet new people. The hurting will fade but it needs to takes time, like any injury it doesn't heal overnight. So take your vitamins, cry your tears, kick the walls and sing some funny songs. Bert. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:50 AM Dear FairYoungmaid, well, here is a topic! A few thoughts from someone who has been there, on the other gender side. If what you say is correct, why did you fall for someone who is cerebral and logical, and devoid of emotion? Are you only now discovering this, or is it a projection (or another projection?) A lot of men are jerks, but some of them have difficulties, as has been already eloquently said on this thread, not because they have too little emotion, but because they have too much. If they let it out it would overwhelm them -- some if this is lack of practice!!! Also many men have no middle ground between on and off, and have no experience in ambiguous emotions. Women (IMHExperience) tend to enjoy ambiguous emotions, because they can pick away at them, hold them up to the light, and so on. Do I really feel this, does he really, etc., etc. Men really, really hate doing this! Finally, I think it is very hard to get over first love, and that is because it is for many people (especially today) their first encounter with the spiritual. What first love is often about is that it is the first time that people feel drawn out of themselves and find something more important than themselves in the world. Virtually all pop songs talk about how Nature suddenly appears, the world glows, etc. This is the break out from the self. When it falls apart, the world turns back into mud and a prison, and that is one reason why one gets crushed. Because there is so little religious experience in people's lives (in spite of the noise out there), the feelings of spiritual power have all been channelled into Romantic love. Most of the Romantic love stuff was created in the 12th century in a weird Christian -Arab hybrid called troubadourism and courtly love. It has become saturated throughout our culture. It might be worth looking at what you were seeking in some man. Could any man really be a vehicle for all those urges in your soul? None of this will do much good, but it took your mind off your problem for about two minutes, didn't it? Yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Steve Latimer Date: 07 Jun 99 - 11:09 AM I was shattered when my twenty year relationship ended. Although the Devil Juice form Scotland was often plied on me by good friends, it was their support, not the Whisky that helped. I found myself repeating almost as a mantra the line form Dylan's Tangled Up In Blue. ... the only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keepin' on... It seems silly now three years later and in another relationship that is working pretty well. She is quite different from my ex, but brings a lot of neat things to the relationship. There are over four billion people in the world, chances you'll find someone more compatible. Keep on Keepin' on. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Fadac Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:00 PM I understand how you feel. I was "Dear Johned" while in the Service (And in combat at the time). I know you feel llke someone has ripped your guts righ out of you, and left them hanging on a tree. At least that is how I felt then, but I had to stay busy.
So beat the drum, sing the blues, Write some new sad blue tunes. Yell at the plastic plants.
Try someting compleatly differant, take a flying lesson.
Time will be the biggest help.
Fadac |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Nan Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:21 PM I was going to suggest imagine this guy doing disgusting things like picking his nose....but I think the "shit-pie" in his face wins hands down!LOL! TIME is the best healer my frined. The next best thing is to remember, there are LOTS of other men out there! I know it's hard to find a good'un but this guy just wasn't meant to be. There IS a perfect guy out there for you so take a deep breath and get out there looking for him! ALSO, find a date. Doesnt' have to be Mr. Perfect, just a good guy to get your mind off of "shit-pie in face guy" Please remember about re-bounding so you don't just hop into another mess that is not meant to be. But DO get out there and have fun. It's hard. Put him behind you. Burn his photo and promise to forget him and burn him out of your heart. Move on. Did this help? I hope so. Good luck and find the great guy you were meant to be with! By now shit-pie has flies all over his face anyway, you don't want that:) |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Uilleand Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:38 PM Fadac is right do something new. Something you always wanted to do, but never got around to. Something you really would enjoy. Above all pamper yourself. And I don't mean indulging your self pity. But do something nice for yourself. Take at hot bath, read a good book. Depending on your age, have a glass of champagne, light a candle, get a manicure, wear a colorful scarf, change your wardrobe, do whatever pleases you. Become your own best company. Some advice from a friend that has helped me the most: Make a list of all the characteristics you would want in a perfect partner. And then ask yourself this question: Would they date you? Then make another list of the perfect partner for the partner you would like. Focus on that list and become that person. Have faith. He'll find you. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bill in Alabama Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:53 PM The first love is unique and special, but I guarantee that it is not necessarily the BEST one. Write a song about the experience, and learn to play guitar to accompany yourself; if nothing else, the pain in your fingertips will distract you from the one in your heart. Use heavy gauge strings. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:55 PM No matter what else you do to get over it (more on that, later), don't make the mistake of skipping over the grieving process first. You've been hurt in a most profound way, at your tenderest inner self. If you deny yourself the healing process, then the scars will be huge. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, and ask them just to be there for you while you gush out your anger and your pain. YOu don'r really need a slew of advice, because nobody knows how to be you better than you do. Try to avoid the well-intentioned Forget him; I've got somebody better for you and here's his phone number offers for now. It'll only push your real feelings aside with a pleasant (but counter-productive) distraction. You'll know you're ready to start dating again when you can think back on this without any feelings of worthlessness. We often think we "failed" when love ends, and that it would have succeeded if only we were "better" in some way. So, take some deep breaths, feel the pain and process it. Work through it. Then get on with your life. And love will surely find you. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: annamill Date: 07 Jun 99 - 02:04 PM Fair Youngmaid, The pain goes away. It takes time, but it goes away. I was married for 17 years. Had my life all planned out. When we were done I felt alone and unprepared to venture out into the world of men again. So, I made the mistake of falling in love, (now I know I actually wasn't in love). He told me he was separated from his wife and until the divorce, we had to keep our relationship secret. Stupid, huh? After about a year of this, I finally told him I was going to start seeing other people and I did. I couldn't get serious because I was too hurt, so I just enjoyed new friends with a variety of backgrounds. I started enjoying the freedom of being single and was very reluctant to give up this freedom. Men have this freedom far more than woman, because we are taught that being close with more than one person meant you were a really bad person. Men can see more than one woman and it is generally accepted. Woman can't, so we don't see the fun men have with variety. I was really reluctant to give up my freedom and make a commitment to any one person...til my honey, Glenn, came along. His love, gentleness, wisdom, and honesty (yes, I actually met an honest man)!NOI! just won me over. I couldn't bear to be without him and to continue the way I was, I'd have to loose him. So you see, I can understand how some men feel. Others have been through hell with a woman and don't want to do it again. I find this in many older men. They enjoy being alone with no one to order them about. When you feel capable of venturing out again, and I hope it's sooner rather than later, enjoy meeting men and having fun. Don't expect anything more than what the men are willing to give. You will break some hearts and will have yours broken again before you come together with someone you really want to enjoy your life with. Never give your life to anyone, just find someone you would like to share your life with. This freedom will give you the opportunity to see the beautiful variety of friendships you can develop. Even if they don't turn into a lifetime committment, you still enjoy each other and remain friends. One very important thing..never lie to anyone. When someone asked me out and it seemed we might develop a relationship, I always told them I was not going to get serious and would be seeing other people and I hoped they understood. Somtimes they didn't and we wouldn't see each other again. They respected my honesty and we stayed friends..usually. Even though I am totally committed to my honey, the men I saw before Glenn are still my friends and we keep in touch. Now they are just good friends. I think the secret is not to depend on someone else for happiness, but to share happiness with each other. Good luck. Fair Oldermaid.
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 07 Jun 99 - 03:10 PM 0Hank Williams Tonight by Jerry Jeff Walker
I could have lived my whole life without a phone call,
Well I didn't cry it was all cut and dried.
CHO:
There was no explanation, not even a reason.
CHO:
Lately I been thinkin' I just might quit drinkin', Take three renditions of this song and call the Mudcat in the morning. This song speaks to me of one way I use music. I offer it to you. Fair Youngmaid, You have gotten lots of excellent advice. Find some one or several someones with whom you can talk. For this pain to heal, you must let it out and share it with the world in some way. Talking is an easy way. Writing and playing are other ways. A burden shared is a burden lessened. So you've done good to reach out to this cyber community to share your anquish. There is a fantasy that there is one right person out there for each of us. It's a lie. There are many people with whom each of us can have a successful love relationship. Your task is not to find the one, but rather just one. Some of us find more than one at one time and that may become problematic. You are not likely to find one of yours by sitting in your room typing into the Mudcat. So take FADAC's advice and get out of the house and do something. If you must mull over the relationship, try to think what lured you to try a relationship with someone who does not seem to meet your needs. If we keep finding broken people, it is usually because something is broken within us. For many years, I unconsciously found angry women. After much help from others, I've found I was looking for someone to be angry for me rather than for me to be angry myself. Anger was not allowed in my family. Now, I get angry on my own and meet much nicer women. Take time to enjoy yourself, because it will take time to heal. Roger in Baltimore |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 03:12 PM You know, if Max could figure out how to charge by the line, this could very rapidly turn into a money-making therapy thread! (The Wounded Elephant Burial Ground).... Yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 04:30 PM Hey Roger, I think we must have dated many of the same women! :)
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Penny S. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 05:03 PM Find something to do which you wouldn't have done with him because it didn't interest him, but which does interest you, and also involves a lot of thinking. If it includes a lot of physical activity as well, all the better. If it helps you to meet people, that is also an advantage. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Llanfair Date: 07 Jun 99 - 05:06 PM I think I am going to sound rather British, but, Fair Youngmaid, take care not to let your hormones choose a partner for you!!The most important part of a relationship is friendship, followed closely by trust. Also beware of rebound love. It feels great, but doesn't last. I'm a serial monogamist, mostly!!, but I do know what I'm talking about. You obviously didn't like him much, even though you loved him. Hwyl Bron. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Art Thieme Date: 07 Jun 99 - 08:30 PM I know that they have to take a artery out of your leg. Then they split your chest open by cutting your breastbone in half. They keep it spread with some sort of spreader from the hardware store. They replace the gunked up blood vessels with the ones they took from your leg. Then they sew ya up and you spend as much time healing as one would if their boyfriend said he didn't love you. And then you'll feel much better. Time wounds all heels!! I remember. Art |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: raredance Date: 07 Jun 99 - 08:49 PM Taking Art's comment to heart, go to the duct tape thread.
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:16 PM Whooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... I am quite overwhelmed by the response ... I can feel the tears forming (again). THANK YOU SO MUCH. You have all helped me a great deal with your advice. I am just appalled that I had to inflict my maudlin, mawkish, mushy state on you and to bleed my gooey emotions in a public forum. In defence of my bouzouki playing ("ah, that explains everything" I hear a few of you sigh) bastard, he was my best friend, I do love him and he is truly a wonderful guy. Dribble dribble. He is just unable to recognise/empathise with/express emotions. Sounds strange and undesirable but really, if you knew this fellow, you would be fond of him. People are very fond of him - he is an amiable and friendly chap. We are both young - 23 years old - and I suppose we did not think ahead when first we beheld each other. I did not foresee (and perhaps he did not) that we would become so attached to each other). In defence of myself defending my bastard (as I know some of you will jump up and down screaming "Noooooo! He's a BAAAAAAASSSTAAAAAAAAAARD!") I am a person who sees the good in everyone. I can't be bitter. I am as soft as a marshmallow. On the other hand, I am a lively, fiery and intelligent person and fiercely proud. I do not intend to cling to him ... I might be a little sad for a while ... but I will be graceful. Thank you all for your kind words. It is encouraging to learn there is LIFE after this sort of crushing event. Fair Youngmaid P.S. Hey, my sense of humour, though slightly crumpled, is still in place! I just thought of a really bad country & western song title: "He Broke My Hymen Then He Broke My Heart" Hee hee hee. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:58 PM Dear Maid, I expected the next message from you would be... but we're still friends, he's really a nice guy, everyone thinks so... Again, Dear, it is an eternal pattern between men and women that has played for generations, and it's now YOUR turn to learn from the experience. As for me, I'm 47, and I've been there, done that, been there, done that, been there, done that, been there, done that, x 10. Take care not to get burned, little moth to the flame, ;-) alice in montana |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Len N (inactive) Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:24 PM Fair Youngmaid I have been reading through the above entries, thinking I should jump in because, while much of it was excellent advice, there seemed to be to be two important thoughts missing..... and then you just reflected both of them. I am glad to see that you can still think fondly of your ex even though he broke your heart, because to me it shows that you you have the strength of heart to get over the pain of this relationship without having to discount the relationship and all it meant to you in the process. It is at times tempting merely focuss on the negatives of a person who has broken your heart, but in my mind that does not do you or your memories any justice. I am also glad to see that you are able to joke some regarding your lost love as, I believe that when sadness and troubles strike, having a sense of humor is a great way to maintain a balanced perspective and to recognize that life does indeed go on. Regarding your song writing inspirations though.................... I wouldn't give up the day job just yet. Also.... this thought has been reflected by others, but I do believe strongly that the flipside of every crises is opportunity, and that in time you will find yourself confronted with wonderfull opportunities that may not have presented themselves had you not first gone through this painfull experience. All the best. Len
have a sense of humor regarding your situation, as I think it is an excellent way to put
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:37 PM Dear Maid: You will never forget, always regret, till another is met. YOU WILL ENJOY ANOTHER! one day but not too soon. Take care of yourself... don't stay sad forever.. Woof! from Bulldog |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:38 PM Alice - You remind me very much of my best friend - my mum. She said that he was but a shooting star, who slightly singed me, in this solar system and I should move on in search of my galaxy. She's a little strange (and by god I have her genes!) but she is full of good advice. Bless 'er. Being my age, my basic assumption is that I am the CENTRE of the universe, and I must constantly remind myself that I am but a small entity in this big world and I have to look after myself because, in the end, I am the only one who can make myself happy. I'll be fine Alice, really. Your contributions to the Forum are insightful, knowledgable and helpful - I appreciate that you spent time "talking" to me. Thank you dear. EVERYONE - I am printing this thread and putting it on the fridge to remind myself not to be such a sap!!! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Big Mick Date: 07 Jun 99 - 11:14 PM Ah lass, the one thing missing from this thread is that no one bothered to thank you. You have caused a bunch of fourty and fifty somethings to remember the times when they played the bastard, ............and when they had been hurt. You helped us to remember the lessons that we learned along the way. And you helped us to break off some of the crust we have gathered as well. You have reminded this older man of when he realized that his pitiful attempts to seem "cerebral" or "manly" were just attempts to cover up his overwhelming insecurity that the fair young maid would figure out that he was just a scared young man who didn't know how to deal with a bright young woman. And mostly I want to thank you for reminding me what it was I discovered years ago. And that is that when men will drop the pretexts that we put up and enjoy the women in our lives in the fullness of their personhood; as partners, mentors, leaders, and as equals, our lives and relationships are enriched beyond belief. Learn from this episode (it seems that you already have), and use this as criteria in your next one. You will make somebody a great partner one day, if that is your desire. Thanks again, Mick |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: alison Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:01 AM Hi, Seek out good friends,.. and if they aren't making themselves available.. go find them, (they may feel too awkward to make the first move)....... We've all been there............... if it wasn't for a good friend, (he just happened to be the one who answered his phone that night) I wouldn't be here today, life just didn't seem worth living........ Mine really was a bastard, and deep in my heart I knew that.. but I loved him. You do get over it, as the others have said, but it can take a long time, and there'll always be a little part of you that remembers the good times and thinks, "That might have worked if....." But basically what I'm saying is surround yourself with friends, don't sit and "stew" (good Irish expression for just going over the same old stuff in your head... the "if only's"...and letting all the emotions build up.) One other point.. beware of men looking for women on the rebound........ do what you want because you want to.. not because it seemed like a good idea at the time.. slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: gargoyle Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:16 AM Summer is comin' What part of the wurl do ya live in? I'll do my best with a little spit and alot o mud.
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Art Thieme Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:18 AM Ah, love is the great good use one person makes of another person. Just think of all you've learned!!! Art |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:37 AM Mr Gargoyle, I don't quite comprehend what your message means - spit and mud??? You're from a small village, aren't you. ;) I live in Sydney Australia - home of the excited Japanese tourist and suspect flotsam and jetsam. Thanks Alison and Big Mick for sharing your thoughts. You are both very special people. Big Mick, glad you think some of the "crust" has broken away - I think you were virtually crustless anyway - I hope to eventually meet someone as wise and wonderful as you. This has been such an amazing thing - I felt so gray and foggy yesterday - confused and upset enough to plead for attention in the Mudcat forum (oh dear, I am writing another essay-like entry - sorry). I feel as though I know you all and yet, you are all over the world in places I have never seen and probably never heard of. Yet, you know how I feel. In danger of becoming painfully soppy and sentimental here but "the world is a small place". Hugs for everyone! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: searcher45 Date: 08 Jun 99 - 07:51 AM All the advice is good...nothing but time and distance really works...the good folks on this thread really have given great advice to help you numb the pain 'til time elapses. Personally though, nothing good ever came from my pounding down the whiskey.... I guess I write cuz I'm fascinated by the role music plays in folks' lives. What power it has! Through it, we laugh, cry, rejoice, mourn, grieve and heal..... c&w music is my weapon of choice for a heartache. Much more than the blues for some reason. And, as Roger said it so much better, it's Hank Williams all the way. Amazing how Hank universally affects people, much in the same way. He's like Shakespeare; he is THE source. Fair Maid, I can play maybe 5 chords on a guitar, and that's enough to get me through. If feasible, you should learn "I'm So Lonesome I could Cry", and sing it and sing it and sing it...one day, you'll stop in the middle of the song (as I did ) and think, "What's this all about? I'm sick of feeling this way, sick of this song. Why am I beating myself up over her/him...that a-hole's not worth it." Or words to that effect. That I found was the day I started getting over it, feeling human again. That's my 2 cents. Good luck. Man, I love this group, this web site. Thanks to all. Bill
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bbc Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:05 PM Dear Fair, First of all, your pain is valid & many of us have experienced it at one time or another, to one extent or another. Once, I felt so hurt that it felt like physical pain, interfering w/ my eating, sleeping, & general functioning for several weeks. As it happens, that was the man who introduced me to folk music, a gift I was able to keep & cherish. I've also been able to keep him as a friend/acquaintance. Each relationship I've had has enriched me in some way & led me closer to where I need to be. Secondly, you did fine in bringing your pain here. As you can see, many of us care enough to give some support & a word or two of advice, free for the taking or leaving.
My thoughts, threefold-- 1) While you have some free time, you might consider picking up some of John Gray's books. They, basically, talk about men & women being different (duh!) & discuss the different ways they do things. My sweetie & I have found them very helpful. In retrospect, I think my 1st marriage ended because I kept expecting my husband to act like a woman & he kept expecting me to act like a man. Never happened. The first book is
love,
Barbara (bbc)
P.S.--Like Alice, I'm in my mid-40' & have been through it! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 08 Jun 99 - 01:15 PM I'm so glad that we've been able to help in some way. But I want to reiterate that I strongly believe that it won't do you (or anybody else) any good to vilify him. Just cherish the memory of the love that you did have, because most people never even get that far in their lives, and celebrate the fact that you're one of those people who are capable of such love in the first place. I send you an e-hug, with warm, confident wishes for your happiness. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 08 Jun 99 - 06:37 PM I appear to have upset some people by expressing my opinions. Removed from the list so to speak. Interesting that the example of why I am against special rights was not mentioned. Just so you understand where I am coming from: I am against special status for anyone. Violence is unnacceptable in any form. ALL PEOPLE need to be protected. ie: If you kill a Cop you should be hung. Why? if you kill me you should get the same. Gays are campaigning for special status; when all they really need is recognition as Human Beings, with all their rights intact. Special status makes a political statement that I object to. It would seem that this gets lost in the translation somewhere. I shall depart with grace and leave you all to ponder. Never fear, I shall not re-appear.....Goodbye Mudcat |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bbc Date: 08 Jun 99 - 07:23 PM The previous post appears a bit misplaced in this thread, doesn't it? bbc |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:11 PM Gee, don't you just hate it when that happens? :o) |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: gargoyle Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:15 PM For a safe "on-line-relationship" .... several continents away .... try .... boberthm@hotmail.com.
(Nope it ain't me, but his heart, like yours, has been recently broken also.)
Tell him I sent you and he will probably kick my butt across to Australia - for he is young and vibrant - and in the dumps.
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:23 PM Seems appropriate to me...i.e. "broken heart".....Bulldog..I hope your dissillusionment with us heals. We do choose to violate some basic rules i.e. NEVER discuss Religion or Politics etc. We have the knowledge that the commonality of our music binds us together, and that regardless of our best attempts to express ourselves honestly and openly,, the totality and full context of our meanings is near impossible to articulate in brief postings....to listen requires some faith that we mean NO ONE harm...just expressing passionate feelings. Part of what makes "Mudcats" unique and fun I think!! Reread some of the above posts' good advice...yours included...."Take care of yourself....Don't stay sad forever." |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:24 PM Seems appropriate to me...i.e. "broken heart".....Bulldog..I hope your dissillusionment with us heals. We do choose to violate some basic rules i.e. NEVER discuss Religion or Politics etc. We have the knowledge that the commonality of our music binds us together, and that regardless of our best attempts to express ourselves honestly and openly,, the totality and full context of our meanings is near impossible to articulate in brief postings....to listen requires some faith that we mean NO ONE harm...just expressing passionate feelings. Part of what makes "Mudcats" unique and fun I think!! Reread some of the above posts' good advice...yours included from June 7th..."Take care of yourself....Don't stay sad forever." |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:27 PM ....and don't hit submit twice!!! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:34 PM I appologise. you are quite right, this was supposed to go on another thread... it now is. Arthritis has claimed my fingers and I have a bad habit of clicking twice. Sorry People! Bye Bye |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: WyoWoman Date: 09 Jun 99 - 12:37 AM Well, Fair Youngmaid, I wish I could say that such heartbreak is limited to the young and once you pass a certain age, the statute of limitations is up and you don't have to worry. Tis not true, alas. I have a daughter your age and have been blessed with much love and laughter in my life, and also with much heartbreak of one kind or another-- part of the joy and weirdness of being a human bean. I had been alone for several years,focusing on getting my children raised and successfully "launched," without a parade of "Mom's boyfriends" in their lives. And I was successful at that. But when I moved to a new state three years ago, I met a man who seemed really wonderful in a quiet, unassuming way. One thing led to another and eventually he asked me to marry him and I said yes and we set a date, got a ring ... I was truly happy. Then just after Christmas moved out. No notice, no by-your-leave, no conversation about what was wrong. Nothin'. What hurt the worst was not being able to make sense of it. I kept trying to understand what I did wrong. What I could have done differently. Why I didn't SEE what was coming? And I was completely flattened. I spent most of January just doing my best to get up in the morning, go to work and not be too much of a pain in the neck during the day to all who love me, then praying to sleep at least some of the night ... It was truly hell. I can honestly say that music pulled me through. I sang and sang and sang. I stood in the shower and sang until the hot water ran out. I sat on the sofa and sang until my voice simply quit. It seemed that the only way my heart could stop hurting was if I sang. And when I wasn't singing, I was listening to the music of others. I took long, hot baths. I ate as much nourishing food as I could force myself to eat. I have a small group of friends here with whom I let myself be as much of a mess as I needed to be. And with everyone else, I tried very hard to put on my game face and not bleed too much in front of them. Fake it 'til you make it. Now, six months later, I can say that I'm actually feeling happy again. Work is a wonderful balm. Friends are pure gold. Physical exercise matters a great deal. Being kind to oneself is fundamental--hanging up on those internal conversations in which you tell yourself you must be unlovable and undesirable to have brought such a fate down upon yourself. I must admit, though, I can't imagine ever letting myself care that way about anyone again. Maybe it'll happen, but right now? I simply can't imagine. He emailed me yesterday -- he's moved to a new job in another state. He says he's sorry. It wasn't personal and he urges me to "get over it." I didn't know what to say to that. So I hit the delete button and I've put on the "Essential Women of the Blues" CD from House of Blues. KC |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 08:47 AM KC, He probably took one look at your CD collection and thought this woman is too much of a woman for me. You've got to hide those women blues singers records behind the sofa, honey (and don't you hate it when they say it isn't personal? What is it then, official?Business?To current occupier?) Yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:11 AM KC, yes, thanks for mentioning long HOT baths as one of the coping tools. Many long hot baths (I sometimes took 3 a day - what is it with the bath and showers you ask?) and they calmed me enough to avert the brink of suicide during that 20something aged mother of all heartbreaks. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:42 AM According to the medieval theory of the 4 humours, hot, dry, cold, and wet were opposites that could be paired, and needed balancing if they were tipped too far in the direction of one or more humours.. Melancholy and despair were examples of cold/ dry, and they should be balanced by heavy doses of hot/ wet. Just to bring you up to date on medical reasoning about this.... Yours, Peter T. |
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