BS: The Doctor Says...

Subject: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 May 09 - 02:21 PM

From the Doctor:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms   up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: open mike
Date: 10 May 09 - 02:27 PM

yum

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: gnu
Date: 10 May 09 - 02:30 PM

Is he taking on new patients?

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 May 09 - 06:15 PM

I wish he were my doctor... I rang my doctor's surgery on Thursday, asking for an appointment because I was very short of breath and coughing up green stuff. I mentioned that I'd not long ago had a long haul flight from a Swine-flu infected area and the receptionist said I could have an appointment on Tuesday... the 19th May.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: Gurney
Date: 10 May 09 - 07:35 PM

We have a local newspaper like that! I rang one Sunday to say we had a huge local flood. They said they'd send a photographer on Tuesday!
Liz, did you kiss any Mexicans on the way back? Ole!

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 09 - 08:20 AM

This sounds like Steven Colbert's doctor.

Yikes Liz. I went through 3 doctors until I found a doctor who can see me the same day if needed.

I found the best way to see a doctor is to bribe/tip the gate keeper/receptionist. I tip the front desk 5 or ten bucks per appointment.

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 11 May 09 - 09:14 AM

In the words of a Hamish Imlach song about booze,

All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and quickly die,
But sinful gin full rum soaked men,
Survive for three score years and ten


So it's up to bar, have another jar,
Thank the lord for what you are,
Just be sure, have a couple more,
What the hell make it three or four.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: gnu
Date: 11 May 09 - 03:25 PM

Liz... an email to the newspaper(s) might be a good idea. And, perhaps the minisrty.

As for the receptionist that booked your appointment, could be the doc is "busy"... or they don't want you in their surgery >;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: paula t
Date: 11 May 09 - 03:35 PM

Artbrooks,
Thanks for that. I couldn't stop laughing!

Subject: RE: BS: The Doctor Says...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 May 09 - 04:51 PM

They did amend it to if I ring tomorrow we can fix you up for Monday, but that was just too complicated - it can take upwards of 15 mins just to get through, even with the phone system they have.

LTS