BS: Church Bloopers

Subject: BS: Church Bloopers
From: eddie1
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 03:31 AM

These are supposed to be genuine! Don't really care if they are or not, they are hilarious!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes snacks and meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies , don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again , ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it , we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight , the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans , bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you will want remembered.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge so up yours.


Eddie

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 06:00 AM

Next weeks preacher is pinned on the notice board.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Stu
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 06:15 AM

Pugatory?

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Micca
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 07:04 AM

Pugatory: a place of Torment for Cat lovers full of small, yappy, ankle-nipping dogs!

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 10:49 AM

My favorite really happened, about 30 years ago. It wasn't in the church bulletin. A small town newspaper carried an announcement for a pot-luck dinner to be held at a local church. Guess which single letter got changed. (I knew the church pastor at the time).

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: CarolC
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 11:07 AM

My favorite was an announcement in the local newspaper. It was a quote from a visiting pastor. It should have read, "this is the Lord's doing, and it is wondrous in our eyes". It actually read, "this is the Lord's dong and it is wondrous in our eyes".

I had it taped to my refrigerator for years until it fell apart. I wish I'd had it laminated.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Den
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 01:12 PM

Miss Morgan will sing Put me in my little bed, accompanied by Rev. Jones.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Tangledwood
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 05:14 PM

I had it taped to my refrigerator for years until it fell apart. I wish I'd had it laminated.

You'd never get the doors open.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 05:24 PM

From todays' concert at Southwark Cathedral - check out the website if you don't believe me!

Missa Brevis in C Mozart also known as 'the sparrow Mass' - which key is C Mozart?

O Magnum Mysterium Morton Lauridsen - never learned that in my latin lesson...

Rise Up Shepherd and Follow Rutter - why, where's he going?

Jingle Bells Willcocks - nuff sed...

The orchestra will perform:
Violin Concerto in A minor Bach - obviously from the Rhondda bach!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Gweltas
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 11:26 PM

This reminds me of an inter Celtic church service held in St. John's Church, Ramsey, Isle of Man, during the annual Yn Chruinnaght Celtic Festival, many years ago. As we entered the church, we were handed a printed leaflet with the order of service and the prayers to be said. One prayer included the phrase, which SHOULD have read " and we pray to the Lord, Jesus Christ , who died for us", but, due to a typing error, what appeared in the leaflet was "and we pray to the Lord, Jesus Christ, who DID for us !! I still have that leaflet.
On another occasion, while also attending the Yn Chruinnaght Celtic Festival, a new Ramsey based lifeboat was launched, in an open air religious ceremony, with the Bishop of Sodor and Mann officiating at the blessing of the lifeboat. Those in attendance were handed Gestetner copies (hand written) of the lyrics of the chosen hymns to be sung. One hymn included the repeating line "We pray for those in peril on the sea", but our copies read "We pray for those in PERIOD on the sea" and, believe me, the urge to giggle at thought of menstruating sailors was smothered with supreme efforts of vocal control and will power, as we were directly facing the bishop and only a matter of feet away from him !

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Bert
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 11:36 PM

Years ago in Paddock Wood, Kent. the vicar sent his parishioners an envelope containing seeds and suggested that they be planted for God.

Unfortunately he used Canary Mix as his source of seeds. Our package contained a good number of hemp seeds.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: open mike
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 08:39 AM

"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat.' … And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good." (Genesis 1:29-31)

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:08 AM

Mid-Victorian restoration to the Church at Huntley, Gloucestershire, was highly decorated; included many texts in supposedly archaic lettering, including the long s — ( ſ ) — & with fancy curlicues to tails of other letters: so that "For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven" appeared irresistibly to the eye as "For of fuck is the Kingdom of Heaven".

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Arnie
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:22 AM

Read this in another parish notices blog some time ago:-

At the Easter service, the churchwarden approached the altar and laid an egg on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Mooh
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:49 AM

Our father, clergyman, choir master, and Grand Master Of Spoonerisms & Stern Looks, knew just how to combine his talents. When the choir was to sing The Boar's Head Carol, we were NOT to refer to it as Whore's Bed Carol, even though he himself had raised his eyebrows as if to dare us.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:51 AM

Morning chapel at seminary, 1965 or 66: The student leading that morning distributed copies of s song lyric he had copied from an LP.
Everything was going fine, until we got to the line "I'm blind and cannot wee".

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:58 AM

The best I saw was a church that claimed Jesus was born of a virgin, was the son of God and his conjuring tricks were, and you'll love this, proof that God loves you!

How funny is that??????

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 10:31 AM

electric girdles as with all things "known" they cease to be as funny.

girdle scones are, I believe, a Scottish delicacy. No different from drop scones cooked on a griddle, exept they are cooked on a girdle. Ye Ken?

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Dave MacKenzie
Date: 09 Dec 09 - 12:40 PM

"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat.'"

meat - 3 food, as opposed to drink. (Collins Concise ED)

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Dec 09 - 10:16 AM

Funny church signs

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: Tangledwood
Date: 10 Dec 09 - 04:12 PM

girdle scones are, I believe, a Scottish delicacy. No different from drop scones cooked on a griddle, exept they are cooked on a girdle. Ye Ken?

Corsets true.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Dec 09 - 11:19 PM

===Corsets true.===

Oh, belt up!

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: gnu
Date: 11 Dec 09 - 05:49 AM

Saw a church sign a couple of weeks back... Free trip to heaven. Details inside.

Subject: RE: BS: Church Bloopers
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 11 Dec 09 - 07:43 AM

a real Church poster heard on TV prog "That's Life"

And I am not ashamed to say I used it in a hot gospel song denouncing the devil and bad habits, with just a hint of a glint in my eye.

"Brush up your Gospels every day, for they help fight truth decay".