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Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!!
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Subject: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 29 Jul 99 - 10:51 PM (Raucous voices off stage singing:)
Belly up, belly up to the bar boys
Only drink when you're all alone or with somebody else! Open for business, once again, with faster loading, er...pouring than ever! Hey, Susan! Great spring rolls...jello was getting kinda like the only ting to eat around here! Real cuisine! No charge for Susan's drinks, 'kay, LeeJ??
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MAG (inactive) Date: 29 Jul 99 - 11:17 PM Why, we'll just trot in boxes and boxes of these buttered biscuits from the "ethnic crossover" thread, and I'll throw in some skewered chicken with peanut sauce. And a peanut butter pie for dessert. After putting down that entire pint of Haagen-Dasz with brandy and Tia Maria on top, I'm still kind of woozy -- sugar hangover to beat the band. Oh, and here's a BIG bowl of NORTHWEST cherries, and another of blueberries right off the bushes in my backyard. If you can still sing after eating all that, you can throw me into the jello ... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 29 Jul 99 - 11:27 PM Well, I'm glad we made it over! And just in time for the end of my shift! Boy, those cherries are great! Thanks, MAG! See ya in the morning for coffee & doughnuts. Maybe I'll make another coffeecake before I come in. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 29 Jul 99 - 11:42 PM Why, look. Who left this enormous canister of whipping cream on the bar? Alison? Have you been up to your tricks again? I know, this time, let's just fill the pool up with gallons and gallons of Irish coffe, pretend it's a big ol' hot tub and EVERYbody can get in and soak a while...last one in, bring the whipped cream.... "Getting to KNOOOOW you, Getting to know all aboooout yewww..." WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 30 Jul 99 - 01:55 AM Oh, man--osmotic and olfactory ingestion of both alcohol and caffeine--the more you wiggle the more you giggle. I'll just jump in here and send out for biscotti. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 30 Jul 99 - 02:03 AM LEJ hangs towel on barstool and climbs onto bar. Strides out to edge of bar and picks up can of Reddi-Whip, then sprays 5 inch thick artificial whipped- cream reef over pool of Guinness/Jello and frolicking Mudcatters, leaving 18" diameter hole in center,then declaims "It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before " with this, turns his back to the pool, stands steady for a moment, then leaps into the fragrant air, executes a perfect reverse double gainer with a half twist, then enters the half-congealed stout like an arrow into the heart of the bullseye, neither displacing or disturbing the ring of Reddi-whip that surrounds his entry-point. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 30 Jul 99 - 02:38 AM Damn,..............go away for a bit to do some work and come back to find out that all my body openings have several varieties of jello stuck in them.............I have had my ass whupped by The Fair One and Lady Leglock.........My damn Guild is somewhere on the Keewenaw Peninsula and I am left with a damn Yamaha that has more jello in it than my ears........Leej, if you want me to do "Seven Spanish Angels", or "Pancho and Lefty" I can probably manage, but I draw the line at "Of all the Girls I loved before"!!!!!!............I prefer the WOMEN of the 'Cat. Where the hell else is a fella going to find women who can whup yer ass and then sit down and sing a great song with you..............Guinnes flavored jello???????????????????...........Lordy but I am getting to love this place...........HEY RICK, GIT YOUR HANDS OFF THAT GUITAR............One of you guys are going to have to go in to get your behind trashed, my reputation as a tough guy can't take anymore butt whippings..............Leej, pull me a proper of the vile dark stuff, and a round for the joint.............Now where is THE FAIR ONE? Seems like she could get me a drink, and a little sympathy for my poor injured ego............Hey bbc, got a hug for the ole Big Mick????????
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: alison Date: 30 Jul 99 - 03:21 AM Hi Mick... Over here in the Irish Coffee Jacuzzi... resting my weary muscles.............. now where's that straw? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 30 Jul 99 - 04:53 AM Mesage from "Jellos 'R' Us": the tanker has broken down so no delivery today: you'll have to make do with the giant Irish coffee. Just a tip, you'll never keep the cream floating on the top if you keep diving in from the chandelier. Pour the cream over the back of a warm banjo and it won't sink. Who's this coming to join in? It's a woman with a small swimming bird. Yes, it's a wee duck and Doris. [Exit, pursued by missiles] |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 08:09 AM Hey, Lonesome, that dive was a perfect 10! Here's a towel to wipe the jello out of your eyes. What *are* we going to do about this place?! Those jello footprints are making it hard for me to do my job safely! Now, Mike, don't go beating up the guys. Just stick to hugging the ladies. That jello ought to help. Good morning! Here's your drink & some doughnuts. You can dunk in the jacuzzi over there with alison. Glad to see you! You've been working too hard! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Allan C. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 08:19 AM Wow, Mick! I really like the idea of Guinnes flavored jello. I'll see about whipping up a batch and bring it in next time I stop by. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:15 AM Hey, LEJ, How come the SADOMETRIC exerciser guy gets tossed out, and you install a Folkie Karaoke machine? (Of course, why am I asking about taste when I am stuck to the floor in goo?) yours, Peter T. (Folkie Karaoke machine whirrs into life, disgorges long black veil. The sound of Lefty Frizzel's backup fills the air -- "Nobody knows, nobody sees...." Fog fills the room, wind moans |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:24 AM But, wait. What are these words lilting out of the room as the Folkie Karaoke broadcasts diligently in the background? The tune is "Long Black Veil" alright, but the words? What can it be? I listen closer and ... yes, that's right. It's Mudcat Midnight.... Twenty years ago In a tavern deep and dark Some frisky Mudcateers Had quite a lark They frolicked and played Until the light of day Poured jello in the pool And they all did say .... (Peter? Big Mick? Alison? You take it ....) WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Neil Lowe Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:31 AM ...Kesey's been up to his old tricks again, and wouldn't you know it little old me gets caught up in the fracas yet again. After finding a parking spot for that godawful bus on the astral plane smack dab in front of the Church of Jim, Jimi and Janis, he starts quoting something from George Carlin about if God dropped acid would he see people and starts passing out the Kool-Aid. Before you know it Wavy Gravy's jumping up and down yelling, "No Rogain, No Rogain!" and Baba Ram Dass launches into this long diatribe about the reincarnation of liquid wax as paste wax in the next life. Timothy Leary tells Jerry Garcia he can be anything he wants the next time around, why not a hand surgeon. William Burroughs is sitting in the back seat, counting how many times he chants "Hare Krshna, Hare Krshna," and oiling his 12-gauge over-and-under. John Lennon asks Carlos Castaneda if he's got any peyote, and Carlos answers no, but he found Garcia's finger in his dreams. Leary pipes up and claims that Don Juan asked him about medicinal plants used in religious rituals when he was in jail in Mexico and by the way Bill, was it you who volunteered that package of morphine suppositories in lieu of bail? Carlos turns to me for pencil and paper me but I realize that Cassady left his pocket knife on the counter and return to the bar to find jello in various forms of lurid and fetid metamorphosis strewn about the floor and walls. It dawns on me that I am way too old to be criss-crossing these synaptic junctions and rerouting neural pathways. I need a drink. bbc, I don't envy you your job.... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:31 AM She slushes the hills in a Jello'd veil, She looks like a Sumo whale Covered in nuts, covered in cheese Nobody knows but me. yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:38 AM sorry, lost a "just" in the second line. Back to somebody? WyoW.? yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:38 AM Plain tomato juice for Neil & Peter this morning. Here you go, guys. Drink up! Lemon wedges, if you need a little interest. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:48 AM Banjo in hand, She begins to stir, And no one in the place Says a blessed word ... (A plaintive voice from the crowd wails "I JUST WANT LINE BREAKS??? IS THAT SO WRONG???) WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:00 AM The judge said, Ma'am what is your alibi? if you were somewhere else, then you won't have to die. I spoke not a word, though I were turned into goo, for I had been in the tub with marshmallows and you. yours, Peter T> |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:40 AM Sounds like the tomato juice didn't help. Just kidding, Peter! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Bert Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:48 AM She wades the pool in her bathing suit and calls out to Peter for a Jello shoot- er. everyone knows, everyone sees, everyone knows, but meeeee |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:48 AM no, bbc, I think I need a long black Guinness straight for God's sake. (June Carter on autoharp). yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Dave Swan Date: 30 Jul 99 - 11:49 AM Goo morning everybody. Look what I've got. A gross of snorkels. I found 'em on sale. Think what these can do to increase bottom time in the jello tank....Now could someone please help me with the gorilla head and fire helmet? It's really uncomfortable. I'm gonna need a big ol' Guinness infusion before this passes. Another thought. When I worked in a pub, the owner and I would occasionally make Guinness floats for our dessert. A scoop of really good coffee ice cream in a glass of Guinness. Anyone ? E.S. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Angus McSweeney Date: 30 Jul 99 - 11:57 AM I stood in the crowd and I shed not a tear, (Well, maybe one or two, then had another beer) But sometimes at night when the wrasslin' starts again I move towards the back and order up a gin... Too many know, too many see It's diet jello folks, so no calories!
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 11:58 AM Well okay, I'm leaving off the amaretto sissy drink and going for my old time favs...bbc..a couple a shots of tequila with some salt & lime please. Look out boys! I get crazy, silly after just one! BUT, I draw the line at reconstituted cattle hooves! Gimmee CHOCOLATE!!! Chocolate ANYTHING (well, anything but j-e-l-l-o!) and I am game!
Mmmm, smooth and creamy
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 30 Jul 99 - 12:30 PM Geeze! I've never seen so many folks addicted to Jello! Whatever happened to just plain old drinking? Bbc, it's a bit early out here on the desert for the strong stuff, but a nice cup of coffee would be welcomed. You are a nice lady and a super waitress! DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Jeri Date: 30 Jul 99 - 12:36 PM Hot fudge wrestling? But nobody would wrestle, they'd just by lying around licking each other off... ...er, anybody have an '800' number for Hershey's? You think they would deliver it to the helipad on the roof? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 12:38 PM OK, let's see if I've got this right--Guinness for Peter & Dave, gin for Angus, tequila w/ salt & lime on the side for kat, coffee for Doug on Arizona time. Cream & sugar w/ that? (Thanks for the compliments. Encourage people to tip more, ok? Gotta pay off that digital camera!) :) Comin' right up, folks! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MAG (inactive) Date: 30 Jul 99 - 12:46 PM Kat, try some of my Brandy Alexander; you'll love it ... (I used the creme de cacao this time)
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 12:50 PM bbc....uh, the Wells Fargo truck is here. They say they have a few gold bullions/bricks to be delivered to your name??? It's, uh, from Donald Trump???!!! Hey! How'd he know you weren't getting enough tips???? Ya gonna share? Keep your job?? Gonna run away and play on a sun-drenched island in the tropics? Naw! think of all the Hershey's you could buy!!!Come on phoaks, let's sing a song to make her stay:
If ever I should leave you Thanks for the tequila! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 01:21 PM Oh, coool!!!! Let's see--pay off the camera first, send David to MIT. Anything left? Let's have another party! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Uilleand Date: 30 Jul 99 - 01:54 PM Any Pangalactic Gargleblasters in this place. I feel like I need my brains knocked out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. Sorry to be so late to the party. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 01:58 PM Yes, Uilleand! We can whip up anything from the Hitchhiker's Guide Cookbook! Right, Leej? Comin' right up. If I were you, I'd sit down when drinking that! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 01:59 PM It's the party that never stops, so...ya can't be late! 's okay!:-) |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: campfire Date: 30 Jul 99 - 02:10 PM Its been a long hot morning at work so I think I'll join Kat in the Tequila. I hope you still have Cuervo, but no wheels for me, please. Double shot, straight up. Thanks campfire |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Uilleand Date: 30 Jul 99 - 02:21 PM In that case, anyone for the Janx Spirit drinking game? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 02:58 PM Hmmmmmm...any takers? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: emily rain Date: 30 Jul 99 - 03:30 PM i can't remember the jingle, but is that the progressive drinking game where you have to telekinetically tip the bottle into your opponent's glass? and zaphod plays to lose? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 30 Jul 99 - 04:36 PM bbc: Sorry! I should have been more specific. No cream, no sugar. 'Tis afternoon on the desert now, though. A Blakc and Tan would do nicely, thank you. You ARE declaring your tips on your federal taxes, I assume? (**Grin**) DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 30 Jul 99 - 04:43 PM Jeri: Your idea is a super one! Nobody's gonna lick jello off anything (I don't think)! Fudge, now, that's a different story. And bbc, I meant to order a Black and Tan, not a Blakc and Tan. DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Marion Date: 30 Jul 99 - 04:50 PM I don't know how you people can stand hanging around in a jello pit. Don't you know that gelatin is made from cows' hooves? Don't you know what those cows have been walking through? Marion |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 04:59 PM THANK YEW, MARION!!!I've been trying to tell 'em, but I guess I was just too subtle??!!There ya have it, phoaks! That's why I am campaigning for CHOCOLATE!HOT FUDGE LICKIN' TONIGHT AT 10 Mudcat time! It'll be mighty tasty! kat |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 30 Jul 99 - 05:32 PM Hey, anybody lickin' hot fudge off anything, and I'M THERE!!! Although, imagining the enthusiastic response there's gonna be to this particular diversion and my mind simply boggles. Dozens of semi-nude Mudcateers drenched in dark chocolate, hungrily circling each other... I'm bringing a bucket o' chopped walnuts, that's what I'M doing... And we still have some of the whipped cream from the Irish Coffee jacuzzi. "Just another Mudcateer Sundaeee, Here in Mudcat Tavernland ....." WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 30 Jul 99 - 05:56 PM emily, I think you're right. And the longer you play, the harder it is to control the bottle. Think there's a lesson in there someplace! For those of you with bad memories, here's a link I found. It's a great site that indexes Hitchhiker's Guide. OK, Doug, black coffee tomorrow morning. Black & Tan for now! I suppose I will have to report those tips. Darn taxes!!!
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 30 Jul 99 - 05:59 PM Geeeeeezeeee! What a sight! Boggles de mind. DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 30 Jul 99 - 06:22 PM Kat: You didn't know? It's a dry heat out here. We don't sweat. DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: jon a Date: 30 Jul 99 - 07:33 PM Book me in for the Irish Coffee pool, I can sit here with my bag of chocolate truffles and really go to town. Maybe afterwards I will get out thebodran my wife bought me last year and start trying to learn what to do with it.... after all it don't matter if you make a fool of yourself in front of friends, RIGHT? Katlaughing come and grab a choccy or 3, anyone else? Jon |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 08:03 PM Ooooo, Jon, here I come,as long as I don't have to drink the coffee! Still don't like the taste of that! Chocolate truffles, eh? Mmmmmmm gooood. DougR; it drier than the Sahara up here, but the men still sweat, so.....what's yer Secret©?? Teehee! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MAG (inactive) Date: 30 Jul 99 - 09:47 PM 7:46 PST, so it must be 10:46 EST -- ah ha, there you are, with the fudge sauce! You could dump some in the jacuzzi and turn it into alcoholic mocha . |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:27 PM MAG, if I've got it right, the time which posts by the messages is EST, for the Mudcat; according to that it is just now 10:26p and I am late for the chocolate...had to step away for a moment. Where is everybody????Out doing paying gigs? On a Friday night? Well, I guess somebody has to do it! Anybody get that order from Godiva? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Susan A-R Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:37 PM Hmmm, after a hot day in the kitchen (well somebody's got to cook) I'd prefer a nice deep dark chocolate milkshake pool. Hot anything is not of interest to me now. Oh, and a draft would be nice please., and hre are a few nice empanadas, and more of those blasted spring rolls. Say, does the Karioki machine have Twenty Naked Pentacostals on it? Susan |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 30 Jul 99 - 10:50 PM "There's a woman, and she's hard to know.......and she's coming, singing soft and low, singing Rock 'n Roll, she's a JOOOOOOOOOOY to know............"..........barkeep, what the hell does the biggest Mick in this place got to do to get a jar of the Guinness??????????.........What?.........Oh, OK, I will take some of that damn bass out of my voice and ask nicely........May I have a proper jar of the Guinness?.............Is that better??.......bite me and give me the Guinness, and get one for yourself.........Yeah, I just came in from the songs of our teens thread........Got me thinking about the greatest band that ever was together. Yeah, Stills, Messina, Young, Furay, Martin and Palmer, otherwise known as Buffalo Springfield. Never be another like that one...........Hey, bbc, bring me a shot of John Jamesons very finest Irish whiskey, I am feeling nostalgic. Hey Rick, grab that Strat and I'll play the acoustic stuff......Looking at Kat over there makes me want to sing "Rock and Roll Woman". Sit down, woman and listen up.......does the song........What, FAIR ONE? ........Oh, the Fair Alison wants to know what song from that album I would play for her?.......Easy, "Sit Down, I Think I Love You" or "Kind Woman"........For my former bosses from 1969 to 1975?...."Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing" or "Broken Arrow".............Ahhhhhh, I loved that music and still do..........Lost youth..........Leej, bbc.........set the place up with a round on me............... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jul 99 - 11:20 PM Ooooo, Mick! You in a fine fettle this evenin'! You know I love it when you talk that way!:-) Now sing away, good mon, ya got two of us listening close-like. Susan...cool chocolate milkshake sounds really gooood! How abot it bbc? bbc? Oops, I bet she's busy getting ready for the Sables Send-Off! Maybe we all need tot ake a turn at tending bar tongiht phoaks. Well, I used to know how to fly 'em down the bar without losing a drop, let's see if I can help out. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Cap't Bob Date: 31 Jul 99 - 12:04 AM Ya chocolate lovers better go easy.....licken up all that stuff. I just found an empty case of EX LAX in Mick's guitar case. Maybe he just wants to get even for his defeat last night. Must be the reason he has that silly possum eating chocolate look on his face. Whoeeeeeee......I'm getten the urge....somebody save my sea.... t..... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 31 Jul 99 - 12:41 AM Well, I *have* been doing some spitting & polishing at home tonight, but I stopped in to pass out a drink or two. Let's see, Lonesome, did you get that round out to everybody, that Mick's covering? Whiskey for himself, a draft for Susan. kat, was that chocolate shake for drinking or sitting in? Hard to keep things straight in here, lately. Cooling off sure would feel good, though! Remember, Leej, I have to have the day off tomorrow. Big doings at home! Tell you all about it after! 'Night all! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 31 Jul 99 - 01:11 AM It's hot here. I'm having a bellini, a lady-like little drinkie, I'll admit. Mmmm. Champagne and peach nectar all whirred up with ice like a big ol' slushy. Not my usual "belly-up" fare, but I've had a hard day and I'd like something refreshing before I go over and watch Big Mick warm up for his grudge match with Fair Alison. Did I hear this correctly? They're wrassling this time in beef consomme with just a whisper of fin herbes? Consomme-ing their relationship, are they? WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: alison Date: 31 Jul 99 - 02:27 AM Hahaha........... I'm game for the hot fudge licking.... are we still a team Harpy? ...We whopped them at wrestling we could win this too...... Thanks for the songs Mick....... (should I tell him I'm too young to have heard of any of them do you think???.... ) |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 31 Jul 99 - 09:43 AM Small, concerned figure enters, wearing large raincoat covering bulky object. Moves past jello pit, Guiness tank, World Wrestling Federation cappuccino dispenser, towards the dark part of the bar. Sits down, watches mayhem in the distance, sighs. Digs into pocket, pulls out pencil. Writes on cocktail napkin 3 times in block letters: Yearn While You Earn? Takes off raincoat revealing SAD-O-METRIC EXERCISER. Places Exerciser on table, pulls out wrench and hammer. Goes to work. 5 minutes later, smiles. "That should do it!" Looks around, Saturday crowd. "Let's try a 6.5." Adjusts dial, presses button. Machine whirrs into action. Drawer opens, picture of Eddy Arnold appears. Music begins:
"You give your hand to me and then you say hello
Outside passersby begin to glance at their wrists. Business men strolling over suspension bridges eye the distance to the water. A partial eclipse of the sun begins.
"No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night
In small apartments, women turn their mirrors to the wall. Traffic slows to accommodate non-existent funerals. In the tavern, the SADOMETRIC machine begins to whimper. The small, concerned figure says: "Let's try 7." and turns dial. Picture of Eddy Arnold replaced by picture of Emmy Lou Harris. Voice shifts into aching, exquisite stratospheric grief.
The sun is completely dark. Birds trail tears as they fly. The arms of chairs wrap around themselves in pain. Drinks order other drinks to try and forget. The SAD-O-METRIC exerciser shudders in heart-rending grief, but continues:
"You give your hand to me and then you say goodbye
Hushed global weeping. Unbroken silence. Broken silence. Moment of embarrassment. Furniture pulls itself together again. Jello reconstitutes itself. Splashing begins again in various jacuzzis. Small concerned figure smiles to self, puts machine back under raincoat.
"Oh, Miss bbc, ma'am, could I have a soda water, please?"
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MAG (inactive) Date: 31 Jul 99 - 12:28 PM Get outta here, Peter! Today is our Teddy Bear Picnic at work, the final event of our Summer Reading Program. Picture: large crowd of children, each hugging their favorite stuffed toy. Blankets, sack lunches. Vlunteers roaming with armloads of bear stories. Yours truly with her very own adult size Dearly Beloved Bear and Tak, serenading with Teddy Bear Picnic, and, yes Art, WALTAZING WITH BEARS. If Gordon Bok can do it, so can I. this is not a day for sadness and grief; it is a bbb-yoo-tee-full, if hot, day here in the glorious NORTHWEST, and, after I grab some coffee and doughnuts here at the Tavern, I'm off to my picnic. All merry folk invited. MA |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Peter T. Date: 31 Jul 99 - 05:32 PM T'ain't me, MA, I love teddy bears, and their picnics -- especially those little Wedgewood bear cups! -- 'twas "Concerned in Canada" and his mew machine. Happy times! Bon temps roulez. yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: jon a Date: 31 Jul 99 - 06:52 PM If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise, If you go down to the woods today you'll never believe your eyes, For every bear that ever ther was, is gathered there for certain because, today's the day the teddy bears have their Rave Up. No I'll quit there and have another drink; talking of woods if there is any woods rum behind that bar I'll take a small one please, and maybe a packet of cheese and onion crisps (potato chips if you like), and a couple of pickled eggs to go with that, just open the pack and drop the eggs on top, that'll do nicely. s'pose I ought to have another attempt at this bodran, just what is the right tension? How do you know when you have it right? it's all very nice having somple instructions that a five year old can understand, but then at 35 i've got no chance!
right just another half hour then I better go and plumb in the new washing machine so I can wash the kids clothes tonight,dont you just hate it when appliances blow up mid task? 'nother choccy any one? Jon |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Bill D Date: 01 Aug 99 - 06:09 PM from the database...yrs truly's addition to a Craig Johnson song
"Since these new friends have come our way |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Bill D Date: 01 Aug 99 - 06:12 PM ahhh...that 'frightning' should be 'sprightly'...Dick transcribed it... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: WyoWoman Date: 01 Aug 99 - 06:12 PM I wanna see them Polaroids... WW |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Dave Swan Date: 01 Aug 99 - 06:19 PM Hey Mick, There's a BIG woman at the door, says she came for the banana jello and YOU. At least I think that's what she's saying, my sign language is not that good. Anyhow, looks like wants the best three falls out of four, she gets to keep you and the bananas if she wins. She's playing a Uni-Royal like a concertina, got feet like hands, says her name's Koko and you her man. Let somebody else write the blues tune pal, you had better use the secret escape hatch behinf the bar, the one we use when ASCAP shows up. Hey Leej, gimmee a hand, let's see if we can stall her. E.S. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: LEJ Date: 01 Aug 99 - 07:16 PM Why, hello there Koko... oh, I'm sorry, I mean Miss Kong. You are looking for WHOM? Big Mick, you say. Let's see, we had a Big Mike, and there was a Big Rick... neither one, huh? Howsabout another Banana Daquiri while we work this one out. On the house. Hey, where you going? No, I meant it's a free drink, not literally ON the House! Ma'am that drain pipe's not going to hold you! Oh, Jeez... UNGOWA KOKO! UNGOWA! Anyway, get some more Sominex into Neil Lowe, he's still jabbering about Clear Light and telling me "Hey, LEJ! You're off the freakin' bus!!" What's this contraption on the bar? I don't know, I bought it from one of Peter T's pals, said he'd let me have it for a song. So I did MacArthur Park and he ran out of here covering his head about the time I hit the second "Oh Nooooo". He says it's a SAD-O-METRIC Exerciser and whoa! WATCH OUT FOR THAT BUTTON...DON'T..
" The old hometown looks the same Sob! Now you've done it! sniff |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 02 Aug 99 - 07:01 AM Monday delivery time again. It's so hot on both sides of the Atlantic, thought you'd like a cold pool rather than the hot tub so I've got a tanker of ice-cream here: it's the coolest brand: Sonny & Brownie's (TM). BLUEberry,naturally. Hot fudge sauce is optional.,Br> Don't let that Miss Koko get near me. Whooee, whooeee: that woman is killin' me TTFN |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 02 Aug 99 - 09:31 AM Hmm quiet day in the tavern, must have been a hard weekend. Then, sorry barkeep you'll just have to listen to my tiple jokes: [substitute own least favourite instrument] "Why has the tiple player been staring at that can of frozen orange juice for so long?" "It says concentrate on the label." "Why do his shoes have TGIF on them?" "It means Toes Go In First." "Why do you do if a tiple player throws a pin at you?" "Run, it means he has a grenade in his teeth". [originally dumb blonde jokes recycled in more politically correct form] |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 02 Aug 99 - 11:04 AM *^&$**$@@#XX^%&*.......grumbling other unprintable comments about that damn Koko.......How the hell does she always find me........*&*^&%$#*&@#$^%........Leej, get me a couple of doubles of John Jameson's very finest......Huh???.........Goes back to my time in the Navy, one mad night on R&R in Bangkok, some guy hands me a pipe and says "Try some of this" and I wake up the next day next to Koko.......hopped the first military transport back to 'Nam.......she has been pursuing me since..........Think I got rid of her this time, told her there was the Love Sensei that got me my black belt living in Canada........Name of Rick Fielding, but known to women around the world as *BIG* Rick, if you get my drift. She caught the first train out this morning.....but not before one last fling.........damn near killed me. Now where the hell did the FAI ONE go????......I would much prefer getting beat by the flying possum move than that damn Koko 2 and 1/2 back flip with a half gainer maneuver........I need to wrassle some guys........I can beat them............ |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 02 Aug 99 - 04:01 PM Yoo hoo, Lonesome, I'm back! Yeah, I know, I said 1 day off & took two. How was I to know that 5 of my guests from Saturday would stay over & not leave till Sunday afternoon?! We had a wonderful time, though. Just saw Bill off at the train station, back to JFK to England. Made me sad to see him go. Let's have a round for him. What'll you have? This one's on me! Love you, Bill! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: LEJ Date: 02 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM I'll have a Whitbread Best Bitters, and Cheers Bill! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Bert Date: 02 Aug 99 - 04:56 PM Whitbread Trophy for me. Dahn the 'atch Bill. Bert. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 03 Aug 99 - 10:30 AM Tried to get in to deliver the pistachio icecream and rasberry jello and found a notice tacked to the door:"Closed by order of the health department". Well, I suppose a thousand cockroaches can't be wrong, but where did everyone go? To the campfire? And what shall I do with this tanker load, it's starting to set? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 03 Aug 99 - 07:02 PM Wow! Here it is cocktail time on the desert and there's not a soul in sight in the Mudcat Tavern! A tank truck stands outside, presumably Roger the zimmer's vehicle, but all is quiet inside. To hell with the health department, bbc, let's open it back up! DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 03 Aug 99 - 07:31 PM OK, Doug, I've got the bug spray. You open the windows & stamp a few times & we're open for business. I'm still standing a round for Bill Sables, now safely back in England. Here's to you, Bill! What can I get for you, Doug? |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 03 Aug 99 - 08:09 PM bbc: I'll have a vodka on the rocks, with a splash of water and no twist please! I wonder where Big Mick is? How'm I gonna instruct him in the art of courting the ladies if he's never around? Think he went on the wagon, bbc? DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: LEJ Date: 03 Aug 99 - 08:30 PM My Lord what a DAY! "Cannons to the right of me Cannons to the left of me " Quick a Martini ... VERY dry, double olive, Bombay if you got it.. OHHHH that's good! Now let me take a deep breath...ommmmmmmmmmmmm...... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MAG (inactive) Date: 03 Aug 99 - 09:26 PM NOT cockroaches. I took two years off my life spraying my stuff with industrial strength moving from one dive to a cockroach free apartment in Chicago, and they still give me the heebie jeebies. You haven't LIVED until angry bugs come flying out of your iron or your coffee grinder. Then I moved to Florida (bad idea) and met the 3 inch flying kind. I say, burn this sucker down and build another one. Now, THERE's a campfire ... seriously, lift a virtual one for my hardheaded 80 year old Dad, who got his pacemaker in late Friday. He's a right wing teetotaller, so this is most apropos thanks. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 03 Aug 99 - 09:59 PM Door opens a crack, this huge head pokes in, it's Big Mick....................Now, Koko's not hiding in here is she??............Good, I sicked her on Fielding. I hope they are happy together...........That creature has been following me since 1972..........Oh Hi, DougR, care for a drink?..........In fact, bbc, set up the house. When is the next load of jello due?......I want Guinness flavored. And I insist that THE FAIR ONE and Hammerin' Harpgirl are on my team this time.........Now, Doug, you have got to show me how you do that thing you do........Amazing, man.................... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: catspaw49 Date: 03 Aug 99 - 10:38 PM This joint needs a complete cleaning Leej....damn whadda' mess...........Say what? No, in that case I can live with it. But, uh, I'll bring you in a gallon of Dr. Bronner's Miracle Soap...or better yet FUGG cleanser...then when anybody else says something you can hand them the bottle and a mop and tell them to go FUGG THEMSELVES!!!.........OK, OK...it was just a thought. Bring me a jack and coke and forget the coke. Tough day....That damn Rick made me feel my own dullness on the James Taylor thread...then I realized we're all dull....Yeah, you too........Any of those 'puters still in the back?...Can you punch up the James Taylor Rehab Clinic for the Catatonically Bland website...it's www.boringashell.duh......See if you can get us all a group rate. And bring me some peanuts...got cashews?...OK, OK...damn...you're in a mood ... peanuts will do..Thanks.........(sheesh, whadda'grouch) Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 04 Aug 99 - 03:54 AM What a night, cleaning all that solid jello out of the tanker, here's today's supply of Guiness flavour as Mick requested. Sure looks clean in here, that Dr Bronner's did the trick, eh? [What in hell wassasparilla anyway? Seemed to be the only non-alcoholic drink in the Wild West according to Hollywood] |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:16 AM Sorry, folks. Had a technical problem last night & got behind on my drink orders. Wow! I'm glad I missed helping the cleaning crew. This place sure looks a lot better! This time, let's keep the jello in the jello pit!!! Guiness, anyone? Ah, Doug, you spoke w/ Mick for yourself. Yes, he's been trying to lose Koko. Can't wait to hear how Rick's doing! I don't think Heather will approve of a girl-rilla in the house! MAG, I think we drove the cockroaches out, thanks to catspaw's soap & Roger's latest jello shipment. Here's to your dad; more power to him! And catspaw, don't mind what Lonesome says, I've got some cashews in the back. Comin' right up! Only one drink, though, for you & then you're back to Coke. Somebody's gotta keep an eye on you! Whew! Think I'd better sit down for a minute! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: MMario Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:21 AM Never had a sasperilla? Sorta root-beerish, with overtones of Doctor Pepper or birch beer. sorta. well, kinda. It's one of those tastes that you can never really compare with anythin' cuz it tastes different but the same, only not really. Clear as Guiness jello, right? MMario |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: catspaw49 Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:23 AM Kind of a Douglas Adams kinda' drink? LOL Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:41 AM Hmmm! I think I'll pass on the sarsparilla!BTW Hendrik says in Sweden you have to sing ,i>before you drink:I'll have to try that for a change. BBC. get Mick to do "Hat's Off to Larry" before you let him get into the Guinness pool. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Jeri Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:48 AM It's actually sarsparilla. The drink is flavored with the roots (see root beer) of an evergreen climbing shrub. Some of you root fanatics might like trying growing your own. A perfect drink for kicking back and listening to roots music while watching Roots. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 04 Aug 99 - 10:05 AM ...and rooting for Babe Ruth.... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 04 Aug 99 - 10:18 AM ...and rooting around in the Jello pool........ |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:05 AM OK, Mick, you heard the man--no jello-wallowing till you sing! And remember, Doug's got his eye on you. Wants to see how you do w/ his tips! :) |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 04 Aug 99 - 08:25 PM Big Mick: Okay, here goes. The secret of success with women! Ready? This probably won't work with Koko, but I guarantee it will work with any other woman on earth. Got your attention? My instructions consist of one word: LISTEN! Women like men to listen, and most men aren't very good at it. So there you go! Now, darlin' bbc, I'll have me a great big old vodka on the rocks with a splash of water. Teachin' makes me thirsty. DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Jeri Date: 04 Aug 99 - 08:39 PM Glad to be back. That was a pretty drastic way of complying with health code regulations - completely rebuilding the place? Wow! I really like the indoor waterfall, myself. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: catspaw49 Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:23 PM Yeah, me too jeri......and that's so wonderful with the water cascading over the gravestone covered in Rubber Squid.........'Course it's nothing compared to that Possum's Ass Fountain in the center. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Big Mick Date: 04 Aug 99 - 09:58 PM Now DougR, you are going to have to help with this "listen" thing. It is a concept that I am not familiar with. I faintly recall Sister Primitive (no shit, real name) back in school trying to explain this to me as she was simultaneously teaching me about rhythm and time signatures with a wooden ruler by tapping the back of my knuckles. I learned the bit about time and rhythm but never quite got the bit about listening..........Is this a Zen concept???...New Age???.........Help me out here, DougR......... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 04 Aug 99 - 10:00 PM Hey, you two! Stop playing in that waterfall! That's Doug's vodka you're splashing on each other! Where did you think we got the rocks, after all? Welcome back, everybody! Big Mick says this round's on him! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Max Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:17 PM Fhwoooh! Boy have I had a day. A day!... Try a year. I feel like I've lived a 100 in these 27 1/2 years of mine. Pour me a double. Who's behind this bar anyhow? Can't still be LEJ can it? Take a break will ya? I'll take over for a while. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: alison Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:26 PM No Max..... you just take a seat you've been working hard. I'll take a turn..... what'll you have? Pints of vile black stuff all round courtesy of Big Mick... |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:27 PM LEJ & I work crazy hours, Max! Good to see you! Thanks for all your hard work on the site! Can I get you some food to go w/ that drink? Sit down & rest awhile. You're among friends here! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: catspaw49 Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:31 PM You can takeover there, but this rounds on me and get yourself the biggest and baddest thing you want Max...You do deserve it. You've had a great day, but so have we! Hell Max, have another...and one from all of us 'Catters! Just drink free anytime here......Put it on my tab. God knows I owe everybody else...I'll just put Leej on my "Stiff of the Month Club" and stiff him along with the all the medical folks. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Song 'n Food Date: 04 Aug 99 - 11:44 PM I'm after some of Mick's black vile stuff. 13 hours in a kitchen is too darnnned much. Say, is that Koko singing that great alto harmony on Joe Offer's drreadful drinkingsongs?? Susan A-R |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: DougR Date: 05 Aug 99 - 01:16 AM Big Mick: If the good Sister, God help her, couldn't get the point across, I'm afraid it's a lost cause. Perhaps in your next life ... Anyway, it's always worked for me (except for my wife). DougR |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 05 Aug 99 - 08:21 AM I've a feeling this place will move again soon. Wow, what a great job Max has done with the remodelling. LOve the waterfall. I see everyone else is complaining about the black stuff and Mick hasn't finished it all up yet so we've got nothing to deliver today. I hope your next location is on my delivery route. Well just a small one, I'll try not to spill anything on the floor. |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: bbc Date: 05 Aug 99 - 10:06 AM Thanks for keeping the place tidy, Roger. 'Mornin', all! Coffee w/ cheese Danish & almond croissants to celebrate the new & improved Mudcat. Where're our computer elves? It's about time to move to Round Five! |
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Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern- Round FOUR!! From: alison Date: 05 Aug 99 - 10:19 AM Time warp time.... Everyone follow me Through the magic fountain careful of the squid...... |
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