BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!

Subject: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 11:52 AM

Chongo and the APP have issued a demand for the USA government and all other national governments to issue an official apology for centuries of abuse of caged chimps and other primates who have been incarcerated in zoos, forced to humiliate themselves in circus and other entertainment venues (such as really BAD movies starring Ronald Reagan or Johnny Weismuller!), subjected to medical experiments, and shot helplessly into space inside space capsules.

They also want an official apology for the common depiction of primates as "poopflingers", which demeans chimpanzees and other primates by reducing them to a hateful stereotype, and denies them their full primanity in so doing.

The demand has been sent in writing to President Obama and the heads of all other nations.

Chongo and the APP will wait for a response and govern their next move accordingly. The possibility of a nation-wide strike by primates looms if the government does not take timely action to redress these grievous historical wrongs.

"We are awaitin' on Mr Obama now," said Chongo to the press today in Chicago, "and I am hopin' that he has the good sense and the moral strength to see that justice is finally done."

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 12:37 PM

What do these sound-and-fury bozos think about someone who would take a chimp and dress him up in Elliott Ness outfits with a fedora and cigar, give him a gun, and make him walk around in Chicago? Talk about cruel imaginings!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 12:47 PM

Oh, piffle. Take your incendiary flapdoodle where it is appreciated, sir, and stop placing cynical impediments in the road of social justice.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 12:59 PM

I'm sorry I never abused a chimp when I was young.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:04 PM

It's still possible to arrange to have a large, musuclar chimp abuse you now, Rapaire.

Would that suffice?

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Emma B
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:05 PM

and compensation! don't forget compensation......

I can handle this for a reasonable commission :)

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:07 PM

M. Hawk, you are hypocritical. Here you have taken a chimp and forced him into strange practices, arguably including sexual relations with female humans, gunslinging and drinking alcohol, and you dismiss all this as "piffle"? Seems to me you are in no position to decry Chimp Abuse in others until you straighten up your own house first.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:15 PM

Good heavens, Amos...how can you level such scurrilous nonsense at me?

Chongo has done nothing that he did not do entirely of his own volition. Indeed, I have advised him to do much less drinking, give up cigars, stop taking unnecessary risks, and pay his bills on time. I've advised him to forget about running for president.

Does he listen to any of my advice? No! Well, he may listen vaquely to it now and then (after a severe hangover), but he hasn't taken any of my advice, that's for sure. He does exactly what he pleases.

I am not the author of Chongo's actions and decisions...I am only a reporter, an observer...I am somewhat analogous to Dr Watson, in that I merely report on Chongo's heroic activities, I do not control them.


Emma - Yes, the issue of compensation is bound to be brought up at some point. I think we are looking at billions of dollars in damages here before we can say that the ruffled feelings of primates worldwide have been adequately responded to. Billions. Hell, maybe a Trillion or so... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:36 PM

I am not the author of Chongo's actions and decisions.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Rampant delusions of innocence...



A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 01:48 PM

I don't think you comprehend the nature of beings such as Chongo Chimp and Sherlock Holmes, Amos. They are already pre-existing in the spirit realms of the possible. When an author is inspired to write about them, they come forth in no uncertain terms from those spirit realms, and they walk among us...doing exactly what their own nature says they must do, because that is who they are.

The author does not control them. He merely serves as their scribe. They do as they please, and the author must surrender to their will and write it down.

Chongo Chimp is REAL, Amos. Your denial of him is sad, and it offers some evidence of how fragile your own sense of identity must be as you scurry around casting doubt on the identities of others.

Besides, you're just wasting time by creating distractions to the important REAL issues that this thread is addressing: equal rights for all primates!

You should be ashamed of yourself, sir. I think you're secretly working for the Obama administration and trying to quash this whole thing in order to save money and save face and keep primates down!

You think they're too "uppity", don't you? Just admit it.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 02:10 PM

Well, that being the case, it must bring you delight, despite your protestations, to see more such Spiritual Archetypes let loose to play among the fields of the Real. Take Chinga, as a prime example. Obviously, her antagonism toward her no-goodnik brother is merely a legacy of some great towering Archetypal Annihilative Fury that was born in that very spiritual realm of which you speak. I am but an instrument, a channel, pressed into service by the Universe in its quest for her Perfection.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 02:48 PM

Amos, I strongly urge you to read the last chapter of Robert Heinlein's book "The Number Of The Beast." All is therein explained.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 03:07 PM

Rapaire: I have read the whole book two or three times.

But since it is you I will dig it out again.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 04:26 PM

I know you well, Amos, and I knew even as I hit "Submit Message" on my last post that you would predictably and opportunistically drag Chinga forth the moment you read my worthy premise. ;-)

Fine. Chinga does exist in the realm of spiritual archetypes, and, yes, you have served as her scribe.

The poor thing is insane, and imagines that she is Chongo's sister. It's a sad case, but I feel her pain. So does Chongo, but he's not a patsy, see? He would be glad to help cure her of the malady that ails her, providing the cure were permanent, if you get my drift... ;-)

Now, what about PRIMATE RIGHTS?????????

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 05:56 PM

Well, I don't see why its anymor einsane for a gal chimp to imagine a fraternal relationship--something which DOES happen in the real world--than it is for a guy chimp to imagine he drinks whiskey and chases human bimbos and shoots gorillas with a .38--ehich does not . Since you are the one who is coming down hrd on the side of the highly improbable, p'raps the issue of sad-sack insanity is more yours than hers. After all, she went into business for herself and prospered at it inspite of her phantasmagorical ne'er-do-well brother, didn't she?????


A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 05:59 PM

Fine. Whatever.

But what about PRIMATE RIGHTS!?

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: gnomad
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 07:39 AM

With a few rare exceptions it seems that chimps as a group have been insufficiently indoctrinated with societal norms to describe them as abusers. They just do what comes naturally. This must change. Our crack team of scientists and social engineers is straining at the leash to sort the matter out.

Once we can impose human feelings of guilt, we might expect a few chimps to apologize. Later, when we get them properly politicised, we can get them to apologize for their ancestors' misdeeds (though they will, of course, deny their own, even when the evidence is everywhere to be seen) and we can all relax, safe in the knowledge we have actually managed to corrupt another species.

To contribute to this worthy cause please send your personal details, including full bank account details & PINs. Cash is, naturally, also welcome.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 08:58 AM

I keep my money in a tube sock that fell behind the dryer. Please take whatever you need for this more-or-less worthy cause.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: gnomad
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 09:20 AM

Thank-you, Rapaire, your wooden nickels are much appreciated, and will help the cause no end. I hope that you will find the improvised cosh formed by the sock and the dead c-cell battery I left in place of your contribution a useful addition to your armoury. One hand washes the other after all.

Incidentally, I should make clear that Chongo appears to be one of the exceptions I mentioned. Whether or not he has anything to apologize for I will leave to others. His recorded interest in becoming a politician is a worrying symptom, likewise his fondness for a variety of human vices, but again, this must be judged by those who know him best.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:08 AM

Har! Har! Funny post at 04 Mar 10 - 07:39 AM, gnomad. ;-) I like it.

Chongo, on the other hand, is majorly pissed off at you for misinterpreting the APP's timely iniative...

It's true that his interest in politics is worrisome. I keep telling him that it's just not a good idea to want to become president of the USA, and he will be very sorry if he ever succeeds in attaining that objective, but he doesn't listen.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:25 AM

I think I'm falling in love with Chongo. The more I read about him, the deeper my feelings seem to be getting.   

This could be pretty darn beneficial if he reciperekates, of course...him about to come into money an' all.

I'm off to Paignton Zoo, to check out how those Girlie Chimps wiggle their bums to attract. I have er...an ample supply in the bum department, I can attract Chongo, BIGTIME.

I just hope and pray he's not into Baboons.....

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 03:57 PM

Chongo is not much into Baboons...and certainly not THAT way. He does have a Baboon associate named Chachi who has long served as a useful source of information in regards to the crime scene in Chicago. Chachi has his finger on the pulse of the seamier side of the dirty streets in the Windy City, and lets Chongo know of anything that might prove of interest, in return for a small stipend and some free drinks. He is sort of like a Baker Street Irregular to Chongo's Sherlock Holmes. There's also a tiny Capuchin monkey named Nymbel who has been helpful on many of Chongo's cases.

Chongo, however, is not much like Sherlock Holmes in style...he's more like Same Spade or Philip Marlowe. His heroes are Philip Marlowe and Humphrey Bogart, and he has modeled his life on both of them.

What Chongo is definitely into is slinky, tall human dames who dress really well, are smart, independent-minded, self-sufficient, and definitely in control of their lives. The kind of dames you don't mess around with unless you are willin' to bite the bullet and "go the distance". He fell in love with Laura M. years ago after she asked him to dance one night at a fancy human club and broke the "species line" in so doing. The same night she saved Chongo's life from this gunsel who had the drop on him in the men's room. The guy never even seen her. She was that good.

Yup, poor Chongo still gets that faraway look in his eyes whenever Laura's name comes up. All he got was one dance and a thank you note she sent him from Morroco, along with a government check to pay for his office that got blown up in the nuclear espionage case.

Now, there was a dame to remember. No telling where she is now.

He may not be free at the moment, though. He's been seen around Renata Carson a lot for the last 2 years or more. She's a bright young Chicago paralegal who helped him on the last presidential campaign. There are suspicions that it's more than just a professional relationship.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:06 PM

Seems to me these wimminz should be prosecusted fer tantalizing, teasing, infuriating, upsetting, and chaffing the animules. I'm calling the ASPCA.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:36 PM

Yeah, well...the whole story has never been told yet about what went on at Tarzan's treehouse with Tarzan, Jane, and N'Kima (alias Cheetah). Was the "Lord of the Apes" really a cuckold? Was Jane swinging on more than just the grapevine? Who was Boy's (Korak's) REAL father???

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:54 PM

Oh, I don't think 'cuckold' had any relevance, unless it applies Jane also...

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:56 PM

Who was the swinger?

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 05:00 PM

And according to this site Cheeta is still swinging! (but no scandals!)

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 05:21 PM

LOL! Great stuff, Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 07:31 PM

I didn't realize the Chongo like Christopher Marlowe! Does he have any theories on why Kit was offed?

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I don't know. Which story was that in? It's been awhile since I read those Raymond Chandler books.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 09:55 PM

I have a question, Little Hawk, which has a cross-thread thought behind it:

Have you been abusing YOUR "chimp" a little too much lately?

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:22 PM

To the contrary. My chimp and I have a most cordial relationship.

Subject: RE: BS: Chimp abusers should apologize!
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 03:56 AM

Oh, I'm wiping away the tears here! :0)