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Lyr Add: Songs by Billy C. Wirtz

Jim Dixon 30 Dec 10 - 12:40 PM
GUEST,seth in Olympia 31 Dec 10 - 11:24 AM
Jim Dixon 01 Jan 11 - 06:26 PM
Bobert 01 Jan 11 - 06:45 PM
Jim Dixon 03 Jan 11 - 10:13 PM
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Subject: Lyr Add: FEMALE PROBLEMS (Rev. Billy C. Wirtz)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 12:40 PM

I started this thread in anticipation of collecting more of these. This one can be found in a concert video at YouTube:

Rev. Billy C. Wirtz

[SPOKEN INTRO (abbreviated)] So, I know this is really hard for you to imagine, but I had some weird dating experiences. I wrote a song about it. I came up with the verses, and you know, you have to get a snappy title to go with it. So I'm like, okay, "I'm having—dating difficulties"—uh, too long. "I'm having, uh, dating issues." All right, what are you having difficulties with? Let's see, I'm having difficulties with female—ok, female—How about "I've got female problems"? I thought, okay, well, let's see, since you're kind of a retro guy, we'll make it kind of a ragtime—kind of a fifties, sort of a period piece.

And if you're booin' now, wait till we get to the song.

Well, now, I used to date a lady doctor.
  All she ever said was "Cough."
I went out with a contortionist
  till she broke it off.
I went out with a tow-truck operator.
  She gave me a real big push.
I hung around with a landscape surveyor
  who said, "Stay away from that bush."
I went out with a high-school teacher.
  She said I didn't make the grade.
I had a good thing goin' with a hula-dancer
  who said, "You just need to get—less obvious."

Well, I used to date an attorney.
  She was always on my case.
I went out with the girl who designed the Etch-a-Sketch.
  She disappeared without a trace.
I went out with a narcoleptic.
  After she gave me the nod,
The lady down at that fishin' store
  laughed when she saw my rod.
I went out with the girl who did the fries at McDonald's.
  She called me her big dictator.
The lady down at the local bait shop,
  she said I was a master—of the obvious.

I got female problems. I get 'em ev'ry once in a while.
When I get my female problems, oh, they really cramp my style.

Well, I used to date a window washer.
  She became a real pain.
I hung around with a flight controller.
  She turned out to be rather plain.
I went out with a bipolar forensic pathologist.
  She kept reachin' for the tissues.
I hung around with a magazine editor,
  but she had one too many issues.
I went out with a nice Quaker girl.
  She said, "I just want to be friends."
I asked the girl at the nursing home, "Do you love me?"
  She said, "Well, it all depends."

Well, I used to date a moonshiner's daughter.
  She always made me liquor.
The lady down at that candy store,
  all she did was laugh an' snicker.
I went out with a hypnotherapist.
  She said, "Keep on dreamin'."
I hung around with an admiral's daughter,
  but her naval base was always full o' discharged seamen.
I went out with a lady butcher.
  She knew how to grind it around.
These days I'm datin' an undertaker
  'cause I know she'd be the last one to ever put me down.

I got female problems; get 'em ev'ry once in a while
Get my female problems, an' they really cramp my style.

Think about my female problems, most of which I've been the cause.
Think about my years of female problems, it's enough to give a man a pause—
To give a man a pause.

[Also on his albums "Deep Fried & Sanctified" (1989), "Pianist Envy" (1994), "Best of the Wirtz" (2001), and "Sermon from Bethlehem" (2006).]

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Songs by Billy C. Wirtz
From: GUEST,seth in Olympia
Date: 31 Dec 10 - 11:24 AM

The first time I heard "Roberta,Get Your Leg Offa Me" was when I was driving on I-5 through Olympia and the woman who did the blues show on KPLU in Tacoma, usually a rather predictable affair, threw Billy C. into the rotation, the result being that I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants and drove the car off the road at the same time-Billy C. Wirtz-seth sez check him out.

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Subject: Lyr Add: LET'S DO THE TOLERATION (Billy C. Wirtz)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 06:26 PM

As recorded by Rev. Billy C. Wirtz on “Sermon from Bethlehem” (2006)

Well, the gay folks tolerate straight folks,
    and the rich folks tolerate the poor.
Bubba tolerates Mohammed
    long as he don’t live next door.
Skinny folks tolerate the fat folks,
    and the dumb folks tolerate the smart,
And ev'rybody tolerates the differently-abled
    when they hand you that shoppin' cart.

Well, the blue states tolerate the red states
    'cause they ain’t got no choice.
The polygamists say it's all relative.
    Mr. Rolls tolerates Ms. Royce.
The Baptists tolerate – somebody.
    Rastas tolerate the dope.
Unitarians tolerate all of us,
    and the Jews are kinda "eh" about the pope.

CHORUS: If we just learn to tolerate,
    all prejudice will fizzle.
Rednecks and rappers can join hands and sing:
    "My country 'tis a shiz-nizzle."
If kids come home with a negative thought,
    we’ll do our best to dispel it.
They’ll go to school, learn to tolerate,
    and maybe one day learn to spell it.

Well, my insides tolerate the lactose.
    My heart tolerates caffeine.
I can barely tolerate the born-again hygienist
    that keeps my molars clean.
I have to tolerate that trooper
    when he tells me: “Have a nice day,”
And maybe somewhere in my next life
    I’ll tolerate Tom DeLay.

Well, the athletes tolerate the steroids
    'cause they keep 'em big an' trim,
And everybody tolerates that neighbor
    that mows his lawn at 6 a.m.
A sadist tolerates the masochist.
    G. M. tolerates the glitch,
And the only one nobody tolerates
    is some intolerant son-of-a-bitch.

[REPEAT CHORUS, ending with:]
… learn to T-O-L-O-R-A-T, spell it!

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Songs by Billy C. Wirtz
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 06:45 PM

Can't help much but I did a festival with him 2 or 3 years ago... He was a hoot...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Songs by Billy C. Wirtz
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 10:13 PM

Well, I went through all the videos at YouTube that have Billy C. Wirtz's name on them, and I didn't hear any more lyrics worth transcribing, but I heard some great blues piano.

However, you might be interested in this Blues in the Schools video made at St. John the Apostle Elementary School in Ottawa, Canada. Who woulda thunk a blues musician who can get down-and-dirty like Billy C. Wirtz would also be able to relate to kids as well as he does? And be able to persuade the educational establishment to let him do it? This is a truly remarkable video.

This second video, made a year later, is not quite so good, because it's been processed by TV news producers.

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