BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 04:12 PM

Pay Attention to Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 07:49 PM

Uncle - You're recycling! It's still droll, though.
Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 11:43 PM

Today is, according to the Mexicans, the Japanese and the Koreans, one of four days that a dog can clearly state the date. According to their cultures dogs do not go bow-wow, they say wan-wan. So today the date is wan, wan, wan-wan.

The next three are: wan, wan-wan, wan-wan; wan-wan, wan, wan-wan; and wan-wan, wan-wan, wan-wan.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 11:54 PM

Read this aloud, to someone...if you are alone, still read it aloud!!!!!




They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Ba rmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste bud s? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using sh redded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems incline d to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...< /FONT>
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report




GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 12:57 AM

You are not a well man, sir.
Is sanity really part of your name?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:01 AM

No, its where I'm from.....why?..Did you like it?..or not?

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 04:23 AM

Thanks for the chili story. I was telling my wife about it the other day but could not do it justice from memory.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:31 PM

You have to read it to her, out loud...............if you can make it through it!

GfS

P.S...Which is half the fun!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:53 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

T hen he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:57 PM

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 02:04 PM

from Peter Schmuck, a Baltimore sports writer, concerning the indictment of Roger Clemens:

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail; but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 02:42 PM

Bill, The last one is sooo true! Too bad, that that one resembles the truth, so closely!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:05 PM

Sometime this year, American taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic   Stimulus' payment.

   This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by   using a Q & A format:


   Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

   A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


   Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

   A. From taxpayers.


   Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

   A. Only a smidgen of it.


   Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

   A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


   Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

   A. Shut up.


   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:      

       * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ..


       * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


       * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
      

       * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,   Honduras and Guatemala ...
      

       * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
   

       * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
   

       * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


   Instead, keep the money in America by:

   1) Spending it at yard sales, or   

   2) Going to ball games, or   

   3) Spending it on prostitutes, or   

   4) Beer or   

   5) Tattoos.


   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



   Conclusion:

   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


   No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:35 PM

Third attempt to apologise to Guest. Sorry, I just didn't understand it. Maybe because I'm a paddy and need the help more than you.
Cheers, Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST, topsie
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:50 PM

I don't understand it either - is it some kind of transatlantic humour [humor] that doesn't travel?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 06:03 PM

He's probably a very nice bloke, though.
Perhaps we should send Alan Coren's Sanity Inspector round to see him.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 10:29 PM

Sorry you two didn't 'get it'..but you're probably right...those in the UK probably wouldn't get all the nuances.


GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 10:43 PM

Dharmabum, Your post was a sad delight...because it is so true....of course, anyone that agrees, will probably be branded a Republican bigot!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 12:12 AM

Our overseas friends might understand it better if it was a vindaloo contest.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 11 - 08:40 AM

He said... 'Darling, it's no good you watching that cookery programme... you can't cook"
She said "Well you watch porn"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 04 Jan 11 - 02:37 PM

An elderly Amish couple are traveling down the road in their horse & buggy when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper orders the old man down & directs him behind the buggy.

"Now,I pulled you over because your reflector is about to fall off the back of your wagon"Said the trooper.
"But, when I walked up front,I couldn't help but notice that you've got a rope tied around that horses testicles".
"I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time,but don't let me catch you again with these violations".

The Amish gentleman agrees,& climbs back into the buggy.
As he settles into his seat,his wife turns & says,"What was that all about?"
"Well,the officer says my reflector is falling off,& there's something wrong with my emergency brake".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 11 - 07:21 PM

"Cooking Blonde"

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon
for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work
and says that he has invited four of his friends from the
office home for dinner on Friday night. The blonde wife is a bit
apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the
four. The husband explains that there will be eight
coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her
by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese
food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and
decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains
that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"
She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time
quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs four cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to
use eight cups of flour --what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs. "It says that the
cake must be baked at 350 degrees, and I have
checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to
700 degrees!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 07 Jan 11 - 09:53 PM

Bloke leans 3 shovels against a wall and says to Paddy "Take your pick."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 11 - 07:09 AM

Shamelessly nicked from TheSession:

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?



Iron Man is a superhero and Iron Woman is an instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 12:53 PM

Accident Investigation

"The Last Thing"

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, an
inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a
statement. "Okay, Simpson," says the investigator,
"You were near the scene - what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing
room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his
pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with
the company?"

"About twenty years, sir"

"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
match in the mixing room? I'd have thought that would
have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 03:51 PM

True story (not a joke): I have a friend who was a school principal in Burlington, Iowa. Once, maybe a dozen years ago, I asked him what problems he was dealing with lately.

He said, "Kids bringing guns to school."

I said, "What? In Burlington, Iowa? I would have thought this would be the last place that would happen!"

"It is," he answered.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 06:33 PM

Why is it that whenever you're looking for something, it's always in the last place you think of?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:25 PM

...because...... **you stop looking!!** Ta-dum!~! *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM

A postal clerk was assigned to process all the mail that came in with illegible or incorrect addresses. One day, a letter for God arrived. It had no real address, just "To God, General Delivery," written with a shaky hand. The clerk opened it to see what it was about:
Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I've invited two of my friends over for dinner.

I have no family to turn to. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. You are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The clerk was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few dollars. By the time he had finished making the rounds, he'd collected $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to Edna. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the old lady and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter addressed to God arrived. All the workers gathered around to read it:
Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful and timely blessing.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:54 PM

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 08:02 PM

"A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza
are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says
masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've
always said: Diet and exercise." --Jay Leno

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Micca
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 08:59 PM

What about the dyslexic tatoo artist? Got his nose broken by a biker customer when he put "Late" and "Hove" on the bikers knuckles!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 11:35 PM

Someone asked a blonde sheila about Roe v. Wade, and she said she didn't know how they were getting out of Queensland...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 05:26 AM

Has it ever occurred to you that the one thing you can't buy in a sex shop is sex?

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 08:32 AM

You obviously only frequent the posh ones Michael.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 10:39 AM

"Did He?"

One day my young daughter and I were listening
to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel.

When the song finished, she asked me, "Well, did
he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 10:57 AM

Two little boys come down for breakfast, the mother says to the first one " what would you like for breakfast ? " he replies, " I'll have a fucking egg " she gives him such a clout he falls off his buffet and she glowers at the other kid and says " AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST ? " he says, " I don't want a fucking egg "

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 01:51 PM

The dyslexic masochist who asked a hooker to golf him?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 02:05 PM

A little boy is fascinated with watching the bricklayers who are building a new house down the street. The bricklayers take a liking to the boy, but they think it's too dangerous to allow him to hang around a construction site, so they send him home with a load of bricks so he can play with them in his backyard.

His mother is touched by the bricklayers' generosity, and proud of her son. She watches as he starts to build a wall in the yard. She asks, "Can I help?"

He says, "Yeah. Hold the other end of this string so I can line up my wall."

She does so, while he sights along the string. He says, "Move it over just a cunt-hair."

She is shocked. She says, "Is that the kind of language you pick up from those heathens? I will not allow this. I want you to take all these bricks back where you got them right now!"

He says, "Fuck you! That's a hod-carrier's job."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:13 PM

Dear God,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:15 PM

Dyslexics untie!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:18 PM

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.


Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 11 - 03:57 PM

Airline Flight Crew for the 21st Century

An elderly woman was going on a plane trip. After being seated, she said to the flight attendant, "This is my first trip, and I'm so thrilled, I would like to go meet the pilot to make sure sure he's a good pilot."

"Ma'am," the attendant replied, "Our pilot is one of the best, and she's a woman."

The little old lady said, "That's just great!"

The flight attendant added "Our co-pilot is a woman too."

The woman passenger beamed. She became quite excited when the flight attendant said "Our navigator is a woman too."

The passenger replied, "Oh, that's all wonderful! May I go to the cockpit and meet them all?"

"Ma'am," the attendant says, "we no longer refer to it as a cockpit...."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jan 11 - 03:52 PM

"Luck"

A man who owned a local grocery store was out
delivering orders in his station wagon when he hit
and injured a little, old lady. The lady sued and
was awarded an amount large enough to drive
the man out of business.

After difficult times he managed to accumulate
enough to try again. But a few months after
opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with
his delivery truck. The gentleman sued and collected
big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet
again.

On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his
living room when his little boy entered and called
out,

"Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great
big bus."

The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice
trembling with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord,
my luck's changed at last!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 11 - 06:09 PM

Dyslexics untie!

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 11 - 08:47 AM

"Marketing"

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who
bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from
me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm
planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid
of them for months. But when I ran into him a few
weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer, with free
boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he
had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to
have one in my garage. Bought that, too."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 10:09 AM

"What Day Is It?"

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to
her husband, "I bet you don't know what day
this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going
out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman
opened the door, she was handed a box containing
a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil
wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come
home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the
dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful
Groundhog Day in my life!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Feb 11 - 06:08 AM

The dumb blonde approached the desk at the public library and said, "Please, I would like a double cheeseburger, regular fries, and a cappuccino."

"Madam," replied the library assistant gazing at her in astonishment, "this is a library!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry,"she said, sinking her voice to a whisper; "I would like a double cheeseburger..."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 05 Feb 11 - 05:50 AM

Here's a true story that happened today. In my Adolescent Growth and Development class the instructor was talking about the development of moral and ethical principles as we grow up. He laid out a complicated scenario about a man who has to either steal rare medicine or hos wife will die. We had a nice discussion on that. He then mentioned another ethical dilemma, abortion. We had a good discussion on that.

Then this happened:

Instructor: Marijuana!

Pause

Medical Marijuana.

And with all the disappointment I could must I said, "Oh, I thought you were offering..."

The class liked it and he laughed pretty hard too.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 11 - 03:44 PM

...Adolescent Growth and Development class ...

Aha! I knew you were still an Adolescent Naemanson.