BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 08:50 PM

What My Grandparents Do

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
               
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
               
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Airizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.   Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 08:43 AM

An Indian [or 'Native American', if you must] Chief had three wives. He gave each a tepee carpeted with the skin from a different animal. The one whose tepee had a buffalo-skin rug gave birth to one child. The one in the tepee with the coyote-fur rug had twins. The one whose tepee was carpeted with the integument of an African river-horse had triplets.

Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 09:18 AM

The Fix
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 10:09 AM

Paper or Plastic?

In light of a recent court decision allowing medical clinics to accept credit cards for their services, several sexual dysfunction clinics have announced that they will now accept major credit cards as payment for telephone counseling. They include:

    * The Clinic for Treatment of Voyeurs will take the "Discover" Card.

    * Those getting treatment at the Bondage and Discipline Clinic can charge to their "MasterCard".

    * Patients at the Treatment Center for Extramarital Affairs with Foreigners will pay with their "Visa" cards.

    * The Oral Sex Dysfunction Institute will accept "Diners Club".

    * Patients at the Premature Ejaculation Clinic can pay with their "American Express".

    * The new Center for the Treatment of Persons who Think they can have Sex with Anyone will take "Carte Blanche".

"We're still trying to find someone to take the Shell Oil card," said a credit card industry spokeswoman.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 11:17 AM

No problem once the apostrophe is placed in She`ll.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 11:20 AM

Rec`d in an e-mail from a friend. Apologies if it`s been posted before.



BANK ROBBERY IN ALABAMA



A hooded robber burst into an Alabama bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 02:19 PM

An elderly gentleman....   
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%   
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'   
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen   from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'   
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'   
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'   
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple   had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.   
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'   
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'   
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?   
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'   
'Do you mean a rose?'   
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations   require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he   d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.   
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.   
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.   
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Couple in their nineties   are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember   ..   
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.   
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'   
'Sure..'   
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.   
'No, I can remember it.'   
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so   a s not to forget it?'   
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'   
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.   
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'   
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,   The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.   
'Where's my toast ?'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen   said to his eighty-year old buddy:   
'So I hear you're getting married?'   
'Yep!'   
'Do I know her?'   
'Nope!'   
'This woman, is she good looking?'   
'Not really.'   
'Is she a good cook?'   
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'   
'Does she have lots of money?'   
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'   
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'   
'I don't know.'   
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'   
'Because she can still drive!'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three old guys   are out walking.   
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'   
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'   
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man   was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'   
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'   
'   Twelve thirty..'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.   
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.   
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'   
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''   
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more. . .!   
A little old man   shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.   
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'   
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 07:01 PM

an airliner was in trouble and about to crash.suddenly a plain looking woman cried out
"i dont want to die like this-without ever knowing the attention of a man -someone to make me feel like a real woman"
at once a handsome hulk approached her and removing his shirt said
"here iron this"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 08:30 PM

Dharmabum: Aliter: Two drunks on a train. It stops. "I say, is this Wembley?" "No, it's Thursday." "So am I; let's have a drink."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 11 - 09:42 AM

The OPP are cracking down on speeders heading into Toronto . For the first offense, they give you 2 Maple leaf tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


===================================


Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the   Stanley Cup playoffs ?

A. The   Toronto Maple Leafs

==============================



Q. What do the Maple Leafs   and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

====================================

Q. How do you keep a Toronto Maple Leaf out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal net .

======================================

Q. What do you call a Maple Leaf with a   Stanley Cup   ring?

A. Real Old

====================================

Q. How many Maple Leafs does it take to win a   Stanley Cup ?

A. Nobody remembers.

=============================

   

Q. What do the Maple Leafs and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 11 - 10:17 AM

"Chopsticks"

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant
noticed that the table had been set with forks,
not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only
on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons
chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 11 - 09:42 AM

"Calling School"

The local high school has a policy that the parents
must call the school if a student is to be absent for
the day. Alice decided to skip school and go to
the mall with her friends. So she waited until her
parents had left for work and called the school
herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice Schlutzheimer is unable
to make it to school today because she is ill."

The secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear
that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Feb 11 - 10:19 AM

A small boy is visiting his grandparents, but he can't seem to stay quiet. He is running thru the house, bouncing a ball and yelling and generally being a nuisance. Finally, his grandmother stops him and says: "Johnny, that is SO loud and upsetting. Don't you know that if you had to go to Heaven, St.Peter would not let you stay if you acted like that?"

"Oh, sure he would!", Johnny replied. "I'd just run in & out of the Golden Gates, banging them open & closed."

"How would that help?"

"Well, after awhile St.Peter would say like Mom does..."Johnny, for God's sake...either come IN or go OUT!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 11 - 02:44 PM

"Annoyed Golfer"

The other day I was playing golf and saw an
unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that
he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into
the lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into
the lake, and retrieved his clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the
bag, and then threw the clubs back into the
water!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 07:13 AM

Some people call tantric sex "the plumber position" ~~





You stay in all day and nobody comes...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 02:31 PM

A man was in his back yard, trying to get a kite up for his little boy. There was a stiff wind, but it wasn't working. His wife came out on the porch & shouted "You need a lot more tail", to which he retorted "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 09:32 PM

Or the Cable Position, or the Appliance Delivery position... but that last one is a threesome.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 12:27 AM

The Cable Position sounds frustrating. Nobody comes when they are supposed to and then they come when you are not home.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 06:25 AM

Willie Nelson's 75th Birthday Quote

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."
The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 10:00 AM

TWO RESTAURANT STORIES

"Serving Station"

A new and inexperienced waitress on her first
day tells another waitress she is concerned
about being able to carry the heavy trays and
serve from them.

The other waitress explains that tray stands are
placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous
beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and
afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything
has been all right.

"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife
and I have to leave now. Could she please have
her walker back?"

-----------

"Order Guarantee"

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung
on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the
kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time in ten years we've been
out of rye bread!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 06:44 PM

While we're on that subject:

"Waiter, what time is it?"
"I'm not your waiter."

Epitaph on a waiter:
    By and by,
    God caught his eye.

Two old Jews sat down in a deli. One ordered a glass of tea. The other said, "I'll have a glass of tea, too -- and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & says "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Having served a customer a fish dinner, the waiter happened by & was astonished to hear him talking to the fish. "What kind of conversation can you have with a fish?" "Well, I asked him where he came from, and he said, from the Ohio River. So I asked, how are things in the Ohio River, and he said he couldn't tell me, he hadn't been there for a long time."

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup!" "Where's the spoon?" "A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 08:03 PM

"Learning to Drive"

My driving instructor was a pleasant middle-aged
man who accepted the blunders I made with
unfailing patience. I asked him if driving lessons
were, perhaps, a part-time occupation.

"No," he replied, "I do it on a full-time basis - nine
or ten hours a day."

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "That must be rugged."

"It isn't too bad," he grinned. "I'm pretty well paid,
well insured, single, and my hair is already white."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, visiting Tucson
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 08:29 PM

I was visiting my old home town, waiting to get a table at a restaurant. It was one of those places where you give your name to a receptionist who puts you on a waiting list. I overheard another man giving his name and I recognized it. It was the name of one of my old high-school classmates. But as I looked at him, I couldn't believe he was the kid I knew. He appeared much too old—balding, with a white beard, paunchy, wrinkled, walking with a cane, and wearing a hearing aid. Nevertheless, there was a certain resemblance, so I couldn't get it out of my head that he might be the one I remembered.

I approached him and cautiously asked: "Say, did you go to Southwest High School?"

He said, "Yes, I did."

I asked, "What year did you graduate?"

He said, "1965."

I said, "Hey! You were in my class!"

He looked me up and down and said, "Oh, really? What did you teach?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Mar 11 - 05:07 PM

an eminent astronomer and a theologian found themselves seated together on a flight.
not over happy about this arrangement,the astronomer adresses the theologian
"i hope you,re not going to talk about religion-it can all be boiled down to love your neighbour,can,t it?"
"fine"replied the theologian"just as long as we dont talk about astronomy-it all comes down to twinkle,twinkle little star does,nt it?.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 11 Mar 11 - 05:19 PM

From a Garfield cartoon I was told.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came   
to have an oil shortage here in Canada .   

Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.   

The reason for this is purely geographical.   

Our Oil is located in:

ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND   

Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA

Any Questions ???   
NO ?... Didn't think so.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:51 AM

Late in the morning this man came back from a binge.
When recovering from his hangover he opens his eyes and looks at a card on his bedside table: "Darling, I love you!"
In the lavatory the mirror is decorated by a big red heart inlipstick and rhe words: "Darling, I love you!"
In the kitchen on the table is prepared an excellent breakfast with some flowers and another card with the words: "Darling, I love you!"

Enter his daughter. Asked what had happened the night she told him:
"Well, you didn't find the keyhole so mom opened the door for you. You fell flash bang face down to the floor and couldn't move. When she tried to help you up you babbled: Young lady, hands off from me! I'm happily married fo more than 25 years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:09 AM

Wedding Night (10 times divorced)

A man married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" cried the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was --- God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband. "But, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:12 AM

The Ski Trip

Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Doug's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Doug said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Doug got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(But you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Ron Davies
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 12:25 PM

Pete--

Yours is just dynamite.   Congratulations.

All I have to contribute is something I may have possibly read here awhile ago:


You can put Descartes before the horse but you cannot make him think.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 01:49 PM

21st Century Biology

Cyrus asks: "Daddy, where did I come from?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" and ponders how to put it in words the lad can understand.

"Well," he finally says, "you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the ESCape key...."

"Then what?" the boy asked.

"Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:04 PM

thanks ron but not original to me
nor this-
a rather ungracious religios couple were coming to dinner.
not wanting to appear irreligious,mum says as they sit at table
"johny-will you say grace"
johny looks blank
mum hopes he will get it"just say what daddy said at breakfast"
suddenly johny remembered and a look of understanding spread across his face and he gravely intoned-
"good grief,have we got those awful people here tonight!.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:36 PM

Very old Mutt & Jeff cartoon: (I wish I had saved the original)



Little Jeff comes running into the bar where Augustus Mutt and several friends are sitting.

"Hey, Mutt...do you remember old Crippled Charlie""

"Why sure, Jeff...what about him?"

"Well, he just took a drink from 'The Fountain of Faith', and threw his crutches away!"

"Wow! Where is he now?"


"Flat on his back in the alley...." (drawing of old coot waving his arms and cussing)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Mar 11 - 01:00 AM

[Reminded by 'where did I come from daddy?' one above] ~~~
,,,,,,,

"Where did I come from, Daddy?'

"Well ~~ ah" --- (thinks: time has come) ~~ long and detailed anatomically and morally correct explication...

"Thank you, Daddy. John says he came from Birmingham."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:59 AM

"Fun and Spooky Quiz"

No cheating,
Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down.
Take this test mentally, don't write down your
answers, and don't shout them out.
.
.

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be
   9, or any number in between.
.
.

2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
.
.

3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two
   digits and add them together.

4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
.
.

5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet,
   numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on.

.
.

6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with
   that letter.
.
.

7. Take the last letter in the name of that country,
   and think of an animal.
.
.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal,
   and think of a color.
.
. MORE
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

9. But always remember, that there are no orange
   kangaroos in Denmark!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:22 AM

Japan is perhaps the most advanced nation on Earth. They don't even bother to go to the beach, the beach comes to them.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 12:34 PM

Man, how someone can find humor in an event like that is just beyond me...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 06:37 PM

See the nuclear thread for non-humor.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 06:51 PM

Sorry Donuel, I like most of what you post but that's not funny. Current death toll is 10,000 and climbing.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Anne Lister
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:03 PM

Don't know about the orange kangaroos ... it was the aubergine koalas that I was looking for!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 09:03 PM

That joke has an iteresting history
It was delivered by Gilbert Godfrey. At the Friars club roast after 9--11 he was the first person to crack a joke about the twin towers.
The reactions was powerful with yeslls of TOO SOON and OH NO but it also was cathartic, not for closure but for liberating the angst in all their souls be it in protest or laughter.

Of course Gilbert was prompmtly fired by AFLAC, You see he is the voice of the goose who gets ignored in the commercial.

The last I saw of Gilbert he had an odd smirk as he carried a card borad box with a white goose in it past the AFLC offices with photographers snapping away.

Love him or hate him, deep down we need him.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 11:50 AM

Aren't there any other countries that start with D?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 12:00 PM

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.   
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership........guy had no sense of humor.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 01:05 PM

One for the ladeez:


A Woman's Poem
©Unknown
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
...
Like his mother used to do.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 09:32 AM

Two for St. Paddy's Day!

"St. Patrick's Day Joke"

An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and
asked : "What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of
course!"

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from
Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be
were you not an Irishman?"

The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be
ashamed of meself!"

-----

"St. Patrick's Skull"   

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of
Ireland on business.

As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he
noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a
assortment of human skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... God bless his soul.."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his skull on the wall in his pub.

People came from all over America to view this famous skull. He made
a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man.

During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land
that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs
saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... God bless his soul."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost seven years ago and you sold me a
skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that
the skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This
is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: breezy
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 10:25 AM

Dhekelia

Dominican rep

Dominica

Djibouti

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 03:24 PM

....."What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of
course!".....


Well, that's a joke, for a start !



DC

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 18 Mar 11 - 03:17 PM

man took his wife to doctor
"doc,l,m worried about my wife-she wanders round talking to herself"
doctor"yes,that is worrying"
"thats not all"the husband says"she thinks i,m listening to her!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 04:29 PM

"Music Business"

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious
at the mail-order music company where my
wife works as a customer service representative.

Some college students, who were working part-
time inputting customer information, wrote the
following notes regarding some golden oldies:
"Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel
Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 11:13 PM

Sergeant in the sick bay is lying on his belly, uncovered. Nurse comes by. "Why sergeant, what on earth are you doing like that?" "The orderly is taking my temperature." "With a daffodil?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DonMeixner
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 01:36 PM

Did you hear the news about the corduroy pillow cases?

They're making headlines.