BS: Facebook friends - what to do?

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 08:51 AM

The reason I stopped using Facebook was the threat of unwanted contact with certain people whom I did not wish to know that I was ignoring them.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Deckman
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 06:33 PM

Social networking is it's own reward ... AND DAMNED WELL DESERVED!

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,Alan Whittle
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 05:50 PM

Its getting worse. I'm getting paranoid about this. Somebody i've never heard of has 46 mutual friends. Do you think they're having parties and not inviting me?

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 02:53 AM

When I'm feeling famous, I accept all friend requests to add to my number of friends who thus prove. When I'm feeling meek, I sit around regretting having accumulated all those friends, and I hide all the friend requests I receive.

Gee, maybe infamous is a better term....

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Van
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 08:02 PM

I had a friends request as they knew an old friend of mine so, although I didn't know her, I thought I would give it a go. Turns out she's from kagyistan and had only met my old pal over the net. Ithink that there are people who collect friends rather than try to make, or maintain contact, with their real friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Mar 11 - 09:43 PM

I got a phishy email today insisting someone "needed" me to confirm them as a FB friend... but the sending addy wasn't FB so I junked it-- had never heard of the Urgent Friend du jour, either.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Anne Lister
Date: 13 Mar 11 - 05:54 PM

I was quite relieved today to get a friend request on FB from someone I know - recently I've been somewhat swamped by requests from people I've never met, but who may well be mutual friends with others. On the other hand, some of the others with whom they're mutual friends may have "friended" them indiscriminately, so that's no help at all, really.
But I've had no problems with using my real name here on Mudcat or there on FB - I don't, though, put my phone number on for everyone to see or my full address. Or my full date of birth, for that matter.
I find FB entertaining and it's enabled me to catch up with all sorts of people who I had lost touch with.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,Alan Whittle
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:20 PM

What I don't get is, how can i have thirty mutual friends and no one has ever mentioned them to me before? Surely one of the thirty would have said something about them. bear in mind, i haven't got many friends on Facebook.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Brian May
Date: 09 Mar 11 - 01:06 AM

If they are not people you would invite into your house to share your hospitality with . . . bin them.

A computer chose them and they are not discerning.

Facebook is a real mixed blessing, most of the defaults have been turned off to maintain an element of privacy (as opposed to secrecy).

Best of luck.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 11:04 PM

With 25794 posts myself, it's likely that there is a lot of information out there, should someone be so bonkers as to trace back. As is the case with all of us who have been here for long. I can only hope that an online stalker would bog down at my path through the Mother of All BS threads and cry "uncle!"

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 05:06 AM

People use pseudonyms on the Internet for protection, and that's a wise thing. I don't think it's fair to "out" the true names of people who post here at Mudcat under a pseudonym - IF they use the same pseudonym every time they post. I won't accept "privacy" as a valid excuse for frequent name-switching - that's just manipulation.

If, however, your identity has been compromised by somebody "outing" you (as happened in this thread), check with me and we can arrange to switch your identity. I deleted a few "OUTING" posts from this thread.

Thanks.

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 03:15 AM

You do know that the rest of us can SEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUU don't you...!

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Deckman
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 01:30 AM

MARY ... I'm going to tell your mother on you!

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: mg
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 01:05 AM

That was me but actually I already have. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Deckman
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 12:04 AM

Thanks Maggie ... I think that is a ..... (ooops, I gotta go now ... there's another necked lady just appeared that wants to meet me). bob

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 10:44 PM

Bob,

There are lots of default settings to go in and tweak to avoid all of that, but they keep changing stuff. If you go into facebook and the Account tab, then go to "Accout Settings" and scroll to the bottom, where you can deactivate the account. You'll stop getting the emails telling you about all of the things happening at facebook. Even for those of us who have used it for several years, it's still difficult to get it to behave the way we want. I much prefer twitter. :)

Maggie

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: dwditty
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 09:17 PM

Deckman, if you want to get rich, write a book. I have been on facebook for years and have not been propositioned once. Maybe it's your profile photo.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 08:59 PM

While I'm thinking of it, might as well relay this:

When you're on Facebook, look up at your URL address. If you see http: instead of https: then it means you don't have a secure session. To fix this, go to Account / Account Settings / Account Security and click "Change". Make sure to tick the first box, then click "Save" (just below it). Otherwise FB defaults to the non-secure setting.

[Bundle of surprises, aren't they?]

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 08:24 PM

The problem with Farceberk is the American misuse of the word 'friend', to confuse a passing acquaintance with someone online and a real world friend.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 07:12 PM

I once hit the old 2500 FB limit - They were mostly all invites for games, except a few personal and Mudcatters. At one stage, I stopped all FB games, and deleted all 'FBfriends' that I thought were just gamers with whom I had not had various conversations (so they were 'remembered'!) - but I may have accidentally purged a few MCers who didn't say that they were MCers and got 'labeled' (put into a group) as gamers.

I started playing just Castle Age again on FB and started inviting more. I have found many with who I have more in common that just the game, and we comment on each other and I have even found with similar viewpoints on many things, music, politics, science, art, etc.

I also play CA on Myspace, but now that they have 'improved' the interface, I can't easily track down those who don't play and remove them. On FB you can still easily identify, track and remove anyone you don't want.

There is nothing there on any of those sites that I didn't care about hiding, or worry about being out there.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Deckman
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 05:26 PM

I was drug ... kicking and screaming all the way ... into facebook two years ago by our then 16 year old granddaughter. She used all the tricks: "but gramps, if you don't let me open an account for you people with think you're old ... but gramps, if you don't let me do this I won't love you anymore!" You know ... all the usual crap!

After several months of pictures I didn't want to see ... propositions from wimmen I didn't want to meet ... one sexual offer from some guy ... I found a REALLY SIMPLE answer that still works for me.

I just started responding to people with "I don't do facebook." I guess I never closed my account as I still get propositioned.

When people push it, I tell them that I don't even have a cell phone. Instead I use the house phone, carrier pidgins, smoke signals, and radar. That usually shuts them up! bob(deckman)nelson

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,number 6
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 05:19 PM

even if you cut you internet connection ...


your


name


will always be out there.



biLL

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 04:53 PM

I have news for you, Sorcha and all

This is the Internet.
Nothing you do here is "private."

Got that?

The Internet is not private. If you don't want your name out there, get rid of your Internet connection.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,Sorcha
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 04:49 PM

Not quite it SRS....it's MORE that this in a VERY open site. ANYONE looking on a search engine can find things. And YOU did a boo boo.

It's really really called Privacy...and ID theft....it's not quite the use of the name...just the FULL NAME.

On Facebook, a person can CONTROL the Privacy stettings....not on here!

Mudcat is for anyone looking to view.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: artbrooks
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 04:44 PM

Gee, SRS - does that mean I have to change my MudName?

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: JennyO
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 04:05 PM

I usually go by what mutual friends we have, and it seems to work fine. Some of them are folkie friends, and if I think they might be Mudcatters or someone I know, I'll send them a message with the request. I sent some FRs to people in the Mudcat group on Facebook a few years ago, asking them who they are on Mudcat, and most accepted. One rejected my request rather brutally I thought, saying she only friends people she has actually met. There was something about the way she said it that made me think that if I do ever meet her - which is a real possibility now that I'm in the UK - it will be hard not to react to her in a negative way. So far I haven't met her.

One VERY successful friend request that I sent to a Mudcatter in 2007 resulted in my life being completely changed! It was Rob, who is now my husband, and we both moved countries and are now living in Somerset! So I would have to say that I err on the side of accepting friend requests rather than rejecting them, because you can tweak your privacy settings, and you can always unfriend them or hide them if they become a nuisance, and you never know what might come of the new connection!

I also have a lot of Facebook friends because of games, and some of them have also turned out to be really nice people to get to know - some of them are even folkies who are not Mudcatters.

I have to say my positive experiences with Facebook far outweigh the negative ones. As long as you are a bit sensible, there don't seem to be many problems.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: open mike
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 02:42 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_QePidL750
my mom's on facebook

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 01:47 PM

What I find sort of weird is when I send someone a Friend request and they don't respond one way or the other (that I know of - in any case I get no reaction) and then their news comes up in my newsfeed. But when I look at their page it still says "Friend Request Awaiting Confirmation" or whatever the exact wording is. It really rubs it in when I have to read "So-&-So is now friends with..." (i.e. Everybody Else But Me).

Actually, this has only happened twice. The first one was an old friend from years ago who finally accepted and wrote me a note saying he'd missed seeing my request until then. The second is a harpist whom I don't really know, so fair enough; but I'm getting all her newsbytes anyway...?

BTW, if anyone wants to know how to Hide and Unhide:

To Hide: Mouse over the right-hand corner of someone's post and a grey X will appear (though why FB doesn't just put it out in plain sight is beyond me). You'll get the options "Hide this post" "Hide all by [name]" "Mark as spam". If you want to disappear the person from your newsfeed altogether click Hide All (marking as spam seems to automatically block someone, tho I'm pretty sure you can Undo that). And presto: Gone.

To Un-Hide: Go to the bottom right-hand corner of your newsfeed column, click Edit Options, and look at the second box ("Hide Posts From"). In the old days it was less confusing but now you just see the same little grey X which is flagged "Remove". Now: I'm not sure whether that means Remove the person from your Hide list (i.e. make them visible again) or Remove the person from your life altogether. Sigh. So I did a test one and will see what happens. [A minute later]: Ahh, the person has surfaced in the newsfeed, so clicking Remove just Un-hides them. (Didn't the Simpsons do a satire on double negatives in instructions once?)

BTW, make sure the first box is set to "All of your friends & pages" if you want to see everybody's input; otherwise you just get whoever you've interacted with lately and it starts to feel lonely...

Here's their info page about this:

https://www.facebook.com/help/?faq=14863

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: EBarnacle
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 12:37 PM

I receive friend requests from FaceBook and other social sites. Even with people I know, I explain that I do not trust the security of most of these sites and only link up with people on LinkedIn. Several of them have joined me on LinkedIn.

I am loath to join additional sites.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Greg F.
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 12:19 PM

What do other people do?

Lots save themselves the aggro, time & trouble & agonizing over trivia- and simply stay the hell OFF FarceBook.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 11:52 AM

Regarding the suggestions that FB offers you...people that you might know or who are friends of friends....you can either ignore, X them out so it won't appear again or accept them. This is different from someone sending you an invite (which will appear in the top left hand side of the screen next to your inbox). Remember that those *suggestions* are listed on everyone's page so chances are other folks are seeing your photo too and ignoring it or have X'd it out (unless they've friended you). No big deal.

I think we all have people in our lives who we'd rather not have in our business or life and as such, I have them blocked on Facebook.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,Reality
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 11:31 AM

I add everyone.

That they are on some list on a social network I subscribe to doesn't mean they are actually my friend.

That is simply the lexicon Facebook has chosen to use. Try not to read too much into it

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: dwditty
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 11:04 AM

Facebook Friends

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Smedley
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 09:31 AM

I have some FB 'friends' that I've never met, as they sought me ought via mutual acquaintances, but I enjoy swapping chat with them.

It's also interesting that people's FB personas can be so different to their real world behaviour. I accepted a friend request from someone quite senior in my profession, who I had always found dour and rather daunting face to face, but who has a wicked wit on FB.

Culling 'friends' who you want to ditch in easily done, and they don't get a message telling them what you've done.

The only group I turn down requests from on principle are my students, as that is a boundary I do not want to cross.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: kendall
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 09:29 AM

Tom Paxton has over 4000. silly.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Becca72
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 08:40 AM

99% of my FB friends are people I know or knew in real life; friends, relatives, former classmates, 'catters, etc.
I don't waste my time playing the games and so rarely get friend requests from people I don't actually know. Those that do come in I just "ignore".

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Diva
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 08:29 AM

I know and have met my facebook friends in real life.....couldnt do it otherwise

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Amergin
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 08:23 AM

Everyone on my personal fb page I know or did know at one point or another, and we're getting back in touch. some are contacts in the local art scene, some are family, and some are friends.

I have been unfriended a time or three, but mostly by family who got upset at something I posted....because as it's my fb page I don't feel I have to tread softly with my opinions or off colour humour. Such is life.

I also have a couple of other pages on there...one's for promoting me....and the other is a continuous project.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Tangledwood
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 04:12 AM

Consider each request on their merits before taking action. I've knocked back requests from people that I know absolutely nothing about. On the other hand I've accepted requests from people I don't know but where we have mutual friends, and later have met them face to face and made new "real" friends that way. If you're doubtful before accepting have a look through the applicant's posts on your friend's threads and see what impression you form.

Then sometimes you do have to hide somebody. A person I met in real life through a mutual friend was good company then later became a FB friend. All she ever posts is dozens of You Tube links which are of no interest to me and clog up the page.

Also there are real life friends who have fb accounts but don't seem to be active. We meet face to face but have never enfriendified each other online. If they're not using it there seems to be no reason to.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 03:07 AM

I got the impression from somewhere (can't remember where I read this, or IF I even did) that the Unfriendee is not specifically notified of the Unfriending. But I could be wrong. As I said above, you can just Hide people, which accomplishes the same thing without hurting any feelings.

I have a lot of friends, not to rack up look-how-popular-I-am points but because I get a load of requests from other harp people and I tend to just accept them point-blank. I find it very useful to be connected to the wider harp world Out There, and FB Friends make a good means of contact with others who share one's specialised interests. But that's a professional thing, not a personal one.

I have put up very little actual info about myself. You can see from the photo that I play the harp and am a woman. I also got an AOL email account specifically for Facebook, which I display publicly for contact purposes (and it has never been abused). But it's also "quarantined" in case there's any mischief because I can then identify the source.

I like Facebook for the quick-&-easy chat you can have with friends who are too far away to see often (or at all), and also for the folks out of the dim & distant past whom you'd lost contact with. As Genie says, you can use it in any way you like, a lot or a little.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Genie
Date: 07 Mar 11 - 03:05 AM

Susan, I don't believe Facebook ever notifies you when someone has unfriended you.
E.g., I happen to know that a couple of my sister's friends who at one time were my FB "friends" both unfriended me because of our political differences, and the only way I know that is that my sister told me. (You can track the additions to & subtractions from your "friends' list if you want to bother, but I didn't.)

(As an aside, the irony about those two guys is that they both still "argue" with me on my own FB page from time to time! I allow "Friends Of Friends" to post on my page.)

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 07:14 PM

For those of you who have been un-friended, do you get an auto-notification of that the same way FB proclaims "X is now friends with Y"?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: maire-aine
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 07:05 PM

Most of my FB friends are people that I actually know. I can only think of 2 or 3 people that I haven't met. Some were people that I "liked" when they posted on a mutual friend's wall. I have "un-friended" a few people, and I've been "un-friended" by some people myself. I don't take it personally. Most folks are either relatives, other musicians, or people who share my political beliefs. I started by sending "friend" requests to people in my email contacts; FB can search for you on this. I don't send requests to people I haven't met.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: gnu
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 06:58 PM

Lovely young ladies? I may have to rethink this..........

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: artbrooks
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 06:47 PM

I guess I spasmed in the direction of getting friends when I first went on Facebook - which I did in the first place because that was where my daughter was posting grandkid pictures. I know that I have a few that I'm not entirely sure who they are---Mudcatters that I know by a different name, mostly.

If you get a friend request from a name you don't recognize, it is entirely normal to respond with "how do I know you? Are you a Mudcatter? If so, what is your MudName?". I have only 'unfriended' one person - a nice guy who I respect personally and as a musician but who was posting a lot of very far out political stuff that I really didn't want to look at.

I do get the occasional 'friend request' from lovely young ladies that I KNOW I have never met....

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: Genie
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 06:32 PM

First, don't confuse the friend "suggestions" that FaceBook itself generates with the one "suggestions" that come from mutual "friends" or with actual "friend requests" that come from the people themselves.    I see no reason to "friend" someone just because FaceBook notices that we have one or a few friends in common.

Second, having someone as a "friend" does not mean they are likely to post to your "status" or threads, or even that they are likely to read much of anything you post.

And the more "friends" each of you have, the less likely it is that you will "follow" what all your "friends" post.

Third, you don't have to share everything you post -- links, discussion threads, photos, etc. - with all your "friends." You can easily set up sub-groups, e.g., "Family," "Mudcat Friends," "Work Friends," "Music-sharing Friends," etc.   Then, when you post a photo/album, link, etc. or start a discussion, you pull down the "Share" menu and click on "Specific People." Then you type in or click on the names of the specific people or specific sub-groups you want to be able to see what you've posted.

(I have about 8 such sub-groups, and many of the things I post are shared with less than half of my FB "friends."   I sometimes even post photos, for example, that I make available only to a handful of people that way.)

Fourth, you can adjust your FaceBook settings as to who can see various aspects of your profile, such as your age, location, bio, etc.; who can send you a personal message; who can view your "status" and "wall"; who can post on your "wall" etc.   I, for instance, have my date of birth viewable "Only by me" and my email address viewable "Only by friends," but I allow "Everyone" to see my FB page (except for specific restricted threads) and "Friends Of Friends" to post in the threads that they can view.   

Fifth, when you "reject" a friend's request or a friend suggestion, that probably doesn't usually hurt their feelings.   If you simply don't respond to a suggestion or request, the person doesn't really know you've seen or noticed their request and rejected it. You may simply not visit FB very often, or you haven't gotten around to dealing with the suggestions and requests.

I've had people confirm a "friend request" from me months after I first made it. And if that never happens, I don't take it personally (unless it's from someone in my family who ignores my friend request, but that's a whole nuther topic *g*).   People have lots of reasons for not accepting every suggestion or request, so I don't think it's tanatamount to a snub.

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: gnu
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 06:20 PM

I was deluged with new "friends" wanting to be my "friend" within a week of getting on. Some of which I would never want as "friends". I opted out. I have enough friends here at The Café and otherwise.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: GUEST,No Fixed Abode
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 06:08 PM

Well Al it depends on what you want from Facebook....do you just want a close nit friends and family circle or do you want to use it as a true social network....

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: bobad
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 05:33 PM

What have you got to lose? You can always un-friend them if they should prove unfriendly.

Subject: RE: BS: Facebook friends - what to do?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Mar 11 - 05:28 PM

I am still learning, but I think it depends on how you want to USE Facebook as a resource or social outlet. If you want it to be for promotion, accept all and ban any who act up-- that's how I'm on the "friend" list o a hockey player we admired, now that he's playing elsewhere. I'm sure I'm none of his very best 2,000 friends!

So for myself I am going slow, and I did set some boundaries for myself, such as the PM's I sent in response to one request (identifying info stripped out):


T---, thanks for your FB friend request. After some strokes my memories are a little mixed up. Can you refresh my mind on our [HS] days?

~Susan

---

Were you involved with the theater people at all?

---

T---, I appreciate you reaching out, but my life as a clergy spouse is so busy now that I am not adding any new friends at FB with whom I do not already have a relationship. Your face looks familiar enough that something may yet come back to me, so I am going to leave your friend request pending, and wish you all the best. Feel free also to submit/pass along any prayer requests, OK?

Thanks,

~S~

====

Summary: courtesy within the time I have available to reply, a query about how they see him/herself as my "friend," and an open (but clearly limited) door. It only takes a moment to be kind, and until I know what to do I let a request sit. I expect others I try to befriend to do the same, and they usually seem to do so.

I CAN share THIS-- once you accept one, it's really kinda icky to "un-friend" them. I am sure I will find out what that feels like too, just as I am now finding out which of these "contacts" I signed on with in the first few days is a constant stream of negativity, "bless her heart."

But with FB I did find my BEST friend from HS and we instantly picked up were we had been despite 40 years of no contact. So-- [shrug]. Think about how you want to use it, set up a structure that supports that, and stick to it. And review it once in awhile.

~Susan