Mudcat Tavern - Round 11

Subject: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:03 AM

Hope everyone made it. We have a "special" door to your left, but the door to your right will always open upon the same creek. Hope nobody minds the flock of flamingos. Oh yeah, the guy that installed the door did a bit of tinkering around and and it has MORE POWER! He said it would open up to different times as well as places.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:15 AM

.....Holy Zot, I hate these transbobbulator thingies............another door huh??.......Well at least you left us the standard one.....nice view, nice scene........Of course the Waylon Heron just stepped on Cleigh as he was chasing the flamingos for gawd knows what.........I'm just having a quick shot and leaving.........I am not trying that other door TONIGHT!!!.......Why the hell did you bring that "new improved door" along anyway Jeri?............I have nightmares as it is, even when I DO get to sleep.......At least you could give it a cute name like "The Wells Portal" or something.................another stupid ass door..............gimmee peace.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 02:44 AM

" What the hell kind of place is this," I exclaimed.

The guy with the possum had managed to fade into the crowd- which is saying something. I had never seen such a motley crew of misfits, ne'er-do-wells, and pure lunatics in my life. The place was spattered with lime jello and Guiness. A tall heavy-set red haired maniac was scampering around in a thong bikini. An English guy was dumping wheelbarrow-loads of more jello powder into what looked like a large spa. A woman sat at the bar drinking a disturbingly sweet drink, and wearing a cat on her head. People were massaging each other with Baby Oil and Bullseye Barbecue sauce. Several attractive women were skinny-dipping in a crystal clear creek in a beautiful meadow out the back door, where there was apparently some pagan festival going on.

In short, my kind of place. I walked up to the bar. Time enough for one quick drink, then back to my own thread." Four Roses," I told the bartender."Neat."

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: alison
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 02:57 AM

OK.. I'll have a west cost cooler then I'm off to try the historical doorway......... OK set it for say 50 years ago, place MGM studios........ push button......... aaaaahhhhhhhhh........ that tickled.....

what's that Cyd Charise has sprained her ankle and Gene Kelly needs a new partner.... lucky I dropped by..... OK boys play the music...........

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: alison
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 02:58 AM

OOOOOHHHH look there's a random button here too ....... better keep 'spaw away from that one....... God knows where he'd end up

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 08:53 AM

'spaw doesn't NEED a random button. Gimme an Irish Coffee to start the day. So now we've got two doors we can let the wind blow through and air this place out. I'm sick of the smell of stale Guinness and lime jello.

Phewee, perhaps not, those pink flamingos smell like....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 09:46 AM

can someone explain this madness to a new comer?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Paul G.
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 09:50 AM

Well its just unexplainable. Grab a drink, in fact several drinks -- become drunk and it will all be clear to you...'scuse me while I pry open the door and hold my glass into the wind to mix this single malt with a bit of hurricane water...none better.

Paul

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 10:10 AM

Kendall - welcome to the madness. If you would care to have ANY sort of understanding about this place - read the threads 1 through 10. MudCat Tavern in the filter and 1 year should bring bring up al1 but the one where we temporarily metamorphed into a pub....but there are links....oops! look! here comes one NOW!

Click here for MudCat Tavern - the beginning

MMario

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 10:42 AM

Kendall, I think it all started here, well at least this is as far back as I can trace it.

Reading it all from the start doesn't necessarily make more sense, but it's fun. Just blame it all on Angus. Come on Angus Lad, fess up, tell us where you got this virtual idea from in the first place.

Bert.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: WyoWoman
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 10:53 AM

Um, uh, actually, I reached down to hang onto my shorts, as requested, but found I actually was hanging onto 'Spaw's shorts when we transported and, well, sorry Pal. Here you go ... hope I didn't cause any damage when we lurched to a stop....

ww

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: alison
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 10:55 AM

Dancing with Gene was great.. I've got another one....... destination Sean Connery's house, Edinburgh.....year 1950-ish.......... wish me luck girls...... weehhhehehehehe

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 11:11 AM

So, you the guy was listening to the possum? How in hell did you stumble into this place? Oh, well, if you're crazy enought o listen to ole Cleigh, then you ought to fit in just fine here. Uh, since you're into animals, would ya mind taking this cat off my head? He tops out at about 15 lbs and my neck is getting sore! Whew! Thanks, o, mind the flamingos, silly sod, he'll try to catch one!

Welcome to Mudcat Madness, Kendall. For more of an idea regarding the Possum, go back to any of the threads from back in May which have Catspaw49 in the title. He scared the bejesus out of us all by walking on the other side for awhile and by way of celebrating his retiurn to us and enitce him to stick around, Barbara Blessings fashioned Cleigh O'Possum, the magical ocarina, for him. Also, check out bbc's Mudcat Resourses page, in the Quick Links, for pics of the Possum, esp. the ones from his recent outing to Niagra Falls.

Give me another sickeningly sweet amaretto sour, will ya, please?

Say, yer not leaving yet, are ya, Mr. Detective? Didja find what yer looking for? Ya know, you're kinda cute, especially with my cat draped around your shoulders like that!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:23 PM

Hey Group.........Just a little coffee this time, huh.........Thanks.......I appreciate gettin' my shorts back WW...and next time face the other way when we transport..........something a little different, ya' know?.................So I see the new door's a big hit with alison.......Damn, I'm going through paperwork crapppola today and it really sucks.......Sometimes............HEY, There's an IDEA!!!.....Okay, let me at that new door....Hmmm, lessee, how do I...oh,yeah,got it.........Alright door, here's the deal........See I'm tired of remembering all this crap all the time and I don't care about time or space or distance just SHOW ME a clean slate........you know, a blank mind...like totally vacuous, without thought.........c'mon now door, I'm counting on you...Give me Blank....Give me Bland....Give me Vacuous..............(FLING!).........GEEZUS.........WOW, this fockin' thing really does work!!!???!!!!I'm feeling better already..........Hey Kat, talk to me about a necklace dearheart...............Gotta' go, See y'all later.............................beats hell outta that last stupid ass door.....................

Spaw

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:27 PM

I'm coming to GET you..... <^O~

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:28 PM

Soon as I can stop laughing, that is.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: lamarca
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:37 PM

As another relative newbie to the Tavern, I gotta say that it reminds me a little of Bordertown - maybe it's down in SoHo someplace (as we go windling along our merry way...). I think maybe I've had a wee bit too much rum, but who's THAT over there on the bar?!? Get me another Barbincourt with a Lime jello chaser...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:51 PM

You know that stuff I said about you back in Tavern 10 lamarca?........About adding class and all....just skip it.................Mmmmmmm, looks to me like Doug going for a positive attitude.........I'll just be placing a quick call to the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed and Bert...YO!.BERT.....yeah, how about getting the Insanevac chopper in here ASAP for Doug?.............Can't remember the number huh?......Right then, I'll just call myself, you keep doodling....(geezus)...........

Spaw

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: DougR
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:56 PM

Lamarca, if I saw that damn thing dancing on the bar I'd give up strong drink forever! Spaw, you hit it right on the nail head. I'm headin' for a positive attitude! But first, a strong black cup of coffee to wake me up, please Mr. Bartender. By the way, who's tending bar around here anyway? I got to help myself? Oh well.

DougR

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: MAG (inactive)
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 01:56 PM

Hey, everytime there's a holodeck episode on 'Trek, it involves a malfunction -- can't we just sit here and sing???

MA

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 02:18 PM

This place alway reminded me of Callahan's Crosstime Saloon, featured in a series of books by Spider Robinson. There's a newsgroup - alt.callahans and a web page at www.callahans.org from which you can get into a web ring. Callahan's motto: "Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased.Thus do we defeat the laws of entropy." (Spider Robinson)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 02:36 PM

Don't open this door

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 03:44 PM

It reminds me of that movie KING OF HEARTS

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome Gillette
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 06:14 PM

excuse me.. my feet hurt and I need a glass of water. Ive been walking for miles in plastic shoes.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: paddymac
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 08:09 PM

Jeez, Kendall, welcome to the neighborhood joint. You shoulda been here last night. There was guy who looked a lot like (LALL) 'spaw askin' all the girls to guess how old he was. One sweet thing who LALL Alison smiled demurely and guessed 29. The guy who LALL 'spaw grinned from ear to ear and said "Nope, I'm 69"(random number generator at work). He then approached another sweet thing who LALL WW and asked the same question. She deftly pulled down his zipper and reached into his drawers. He got this strange look of a pleasurable surprise on his face, and after a bit the gal who LALL WW withdrew her hand and answered "69". He who LALL 'spaw was taken aback by her accuracy and asked "How'd you know that?". She who LALL WW coyly answered "I hear you tell she who LALL Alison". Poor ol' he who LOLL 'spaw was actually at a loss for words- first time in his life some say. Ah, well, just another nite in our home place.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Angus McSweeney
Date: 15 Sep 99 - 08:32 PM

Hey, Bert! I've been gone a while, but I just got to the question you asked me. Are you telling me that this isn't real? God Almighty, now I really need a drink. (Laphroig, neat...and hand me that six-string!)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 11:55 AM

Damn! I turn over the bartender apron to Doug, and the next thing I know Bert's giving Angus credit for starting the Tavern thread, and another "Lonesome" is hanging around the premesis. Well, somebody gimme a Beck's Oktoberfest (on Bert's tab, by the way), and I'll mosey over to the Beatnick Booth and sit a spell with Neil L, the Detective guy, Jack, Kesey, and the rest, and I will reflect on the fleeting nature of Mudcat fame. Ah me, how soon they forget....LEJ

You're telling me... Blake Madison

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: MMario
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 12:15 PM

ahhh, thought I'd wander in and reminisce about the ol' days....back when the Tavern was new, 'bout umpty transdimensional portals ago....what was that bartender's name? wholesome-DK? gruesome-C-Day? somethin' like that. He poured a mean drink though. Wonder what ever happen'd to him? How about a shot of Bailey's for my coffee,here?

I have performed my "evil deed" for the week. Presented a three year old with a tambour as a birthday present. He is delighted, his parents a bit less so, but I DID clear it with them first. And they are VERY grateful I didn't bring over the whistles I had been thinking of....

NIce to see that Floyd hasn't dropped any rain on the B-B-Q grounds out the "safe" door. I was thinking of grilling up a few mahogany clams for lunch.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 12:19 PM

Welcome to Mudcat Lonesome EJ. Always nice to see someone new here. Be sure you read the instructions on how to use the DT and always look there first before requesting the lyrics to a song like, "My Radio Shack's a Million Miles from Nowhere." I hope you come back and see us again soon.

Bert

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Dave Swan
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 12:41 PM

Wow, just back in the door after five, count 'em, five days in Atlanta. Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do. Open a tab please, oh most originally Lonesome one, open a bottle of Laphroaig and hand me a flexi-straw. If anybody see Catspaw, tell him I found his initials carved on the Concord covered bridge in Marietta. Cheers, E.S.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 12:53 PM

Now now, I didn't give Angus credit for the Tavern. I 'blamed' him for starting all this virtual nonsense, (I know he thinks it's real) which I think predates the tavern. Even then I said that his posting was the earliest I could find. Does anyone know of an earlier 'virtual' thread???

So don't getcher nickers in a twist naah.

Bert.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 01:16 PM

Catspaw... fer chrissakes, don't ya know me!? "Possumtively Fourth Street"?! All the encounter sessions at the Young Center!? Look! (removing sunglasses, red rubber nose, and top hat) It's old LEJ!! sure, I'll take another Beck's - right, on Bert's tab... no my knickers aren't in a twist, but I think I've got a knot in my thong. Aw, Catspaw... ya gotta recognize me, buddy!! The Gargoyle Wars? Tiples twanging along the banks of the Wasatch?!

LEJ

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Peter T.
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 01:22 PM

Ummm, Bert, they are all virtual threads. ("How do you know when Bert has been using e-mail? The disk drive is full of envelopes....")
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Bert
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 01:56 PM

Oh dear, oh my, oh bloody lor', guess I'll have to 'splain the diff.

A request for lyrics IS REAL
Posting lyrics IS REAL
Discussion about the meaning of folk IS REAL

Pretending we're singing a song AIN'T REAL
Pretending we're drinking Guinness AIN'T REAL
Pretending we're anointing WW's toes with barbecue sauce, unfortunately AIN'T REAL NEITHER.

Unless your Angus who's fortunate in thinking that EVERYTHING is real
Or Peter T who thinks that everything ain't real, or should that be 'nothing is real'. (Peter can explain the difference ta yall.)
LEJ thinks that UNREALITY started with him, but he'd been drinking at the time. ANGUS who (I think) started the unreality doesn't beleive in unreality, so he may also have been drinking when he perpetrated the real unreality.

So, virtual hands up if you think that Peter T, and Angus and LEJ are real.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

Ber.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 04:06 PM

Not really

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 04:45 PM

Let me just state, for the sake of clarification, that I do not make any claims as to inventing UNREALITY, only to hanging out the shingle in front of this particular chunk of Unreal Estate. Since then, through the many metamorphoses of this cyber-joint, it has become the common property of all Mudcatters, while retaining the individual imprint of each Catter who has created a new round. Pulling the trigger on another ice-cold Beck's...er, Bert, your tab's still open, right? I particularly thought Alison's meadow a beautiful touch.

Having said that, I heartily congratulate Angus on devising the concept of simulated physical interaction on his brilliant "Song Circle" thread, which I have just read for the first time. Perhaps this type of virtual physical contact might be dubbed a "McSweenian" maneuver? pausing for the McSweenian act of buying a drink for the original McSweeney himself, and putting it on Bert's tab...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: lamarca
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 05:58 PM

Gosh, this Barbincourt seems awfully real to me (but then I brake for hallucinations..) and what about Pink Floyd and his buddies here - they're real, aren't they? Maybe I should try something different - bartender, could you whip me up one of these?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Sep 99 - 11:32 PM

Hey Group.........Well another day, another drink....Leej, I'm OK now, don't know what got into me......must be these stupid ass doors........Hey though, I gotta' say this one is better than the last.....Give me a Jack there Leej........Damn lamarca, how can you drink anything with Southern Comfort??? Always figured the comfort part caame after I was done throwing up everything but my nuts..sickly tasting, disgusting stuff....Thanks there Leej...Ahhh, yes..NOW THAT is southern comfort!!!!...........Well lemmee see if the door is still working like it was the other day......Okay door, gimmee blank,bland,and vacuous...(FLING!).........YEP..........Man, I love it......Whadda' door.............So let's think now....Tonight..hmm........I think tonight I want something kinda' laid back......yeah, laid back, but kinda' wacky too...don't even matter if all the parts ain't functioning right anymore......just old, weird, cool wacky shit, Okay door?......Here goes...(FLING!)........Well, uh, Yeah.........Can't deny it.....the damn door works like a champ.....I was kinda' thinkin' an old amusement park, but I gotta' say the door DID give me what I asked.........................Beats the livin' hell out of that other stupid ass door...........I like the new deck where the old door used to be too........nice view, nice crick....but those fockin' flamingos are scarin' the hell out of Cleigh....................'nother Jack here Leej............

Spaw

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 02:15 AM

How in the fockin' hell did I get here? I was just rattling around in the room after an evening at the Fifth String (sorry, Lloyd--see you next week), wondering why no matter how hard I play the damned harmonica I can't get any decent callouses on my lips (shaddup, Spaw), and all of a suddent I'm standing watching Alison and Gene Kelly dance "American in Paris"--it seems Leslie Caron is down with the flu, too--when things started getting fuzzy again and sorta clarified into a dark rectangle about four feet wide and eight feet tall, then I could see into the darkness a bit and and this kinda seedy John Denver lookalike was talkin' dirty to a girl in a wedding dress--and she was actually inviting him to her wedding. Strange. She looks sensible enough, except when she takes greedy glances at the possum which keeps creeping out of his pants and leering at her. Lemme tell ya, a leering possum is an awful sight, and then I recognize Bert and he's waving a picture of a truly disgusting leering possum and there's some guy trying to herd a bunch of big pink birds into what looks like a hot tub while a bunch of women with towels draped fetchingly around their bodies burst through a door in the opposite wall, screaming to the guy that the damned birds had already filled the crystal creek with pink poop and they'd rather not have the hot tub full of it too. I finally arrive at the bar where the barkeep is trying to introduce folks to a drunk in a trench coat but the guy keeps complaining that there's no jazz on the juke box so no one wants anything to do with him...

--seed

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: alison
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 02:42 AM

........ I need to sit down.... I'm tired... hey LEJ put the kettle on will you...... anyone offering any more of those foot massages?????

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Angus McSweeney
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 07:11 AM

Hey there, Lonesome EJ, thanks for the cool one. I am heartily in agreement that this is just about the best damned place I've ever wasted an evening (and it's 6 am)! You hung out one heck of a clever idea when you put this shingle out...drinks for everyone - on my tab - in honor of Lonesome and his gift to us all!

The Circle Threads were good for songs, but someone should take this thing to a Creative Writing Class. There's more material here than on "Bringin' It All Back Home"!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Duane D.
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 11:43 AM

LEJ: A golden opportunity presents itself to you, perhaps you two lonesome fellas could keep each other company.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: lamarca
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 12:33 PM

Well, 'spaw, I didn't say I actually tried the damn stuff - maybe if we substituted more rum and left out the SC? Came home last night to a Floyd-darkened house (no electricity) so I couldn't even get in the door here. Was forced to go out for Vietnamese food and try to get the Pink Flamingo huricane lamps from K-mart (don't ask - lorraine's fault) to give us enough light to read by.

Now that I'm back, could sure use a long soak in that hot tub. What's that possum doin' in here?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Susan A-R
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 10:08 PM

The long arm of Floyd has even made it up here to VT. We've had some very weird power outages, not at the Kitchen, but as close as 100 yards away at the local food co op. I inverted my umpbrella a couple of times on the way home, and am glad to be sitting here in the hot tub drinking a nice Long Trail Ale. Nice to have those VErmont grews, but could you get some of the Golden Dome Back 40 (an excellent rendition of the black vile stuff.)

Alison, I recommend Doug for the massage. Ooooh what hands!!

Say Cleighh, you watch yourself or you are going to be comprehensively drowned. Keep those little furry paws to yourself or . . .

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 10:57 PM

Girls I'm really sorry about Cleigh......I think it's that damn Cletus..........I found out Cleigh had gotten into some voyeur stuff in Jeri's backyard and sent Cletus to see where he was....Well, things went from bad to worse......Cleigh's really a sweet little guy, but living here around Cletus, Paw, Buford and the Reg boys.......well they're NOT the best influence........Hey gimmee a drink here to honor El Swanno's funnyass thread........GREAT NAMES weren't they...........Thanks for the Jack, Dougie....you on the bar tonight?....Cool...........Ahhh, damn that's good......thought I would check on my "Who's Catspaw" thread while I was here........be interesting to see if it plays out..............Man, wasn't that door slick, the way it brought Ol' Seed right here..........Now if it could just get rid of those simple ass flamingos and that fockin' Waylon Heron.......seems like Peter's about had it with him too............Hey SusAR...lookin' forward to the getaway too?....Yeah, I am.........Say, anybody seen Daisy, er,uh, I mean Mick?....Maybe he'll be by later....I see he's got his thong and a bag of spuds hangin' on his hook in the closet..............Well our buddy Helen will be married in just a few hours...LET'S DRINK ONE TO HELEN AND A WONDERFUL,LONG,LOVING, MARRIAGE!!!...Give us a little help here Door...(FLING!) ...THE BEST TO YOU HELEN......just love that new door...........gotta' go ........check y'all later......................

Spaw

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Susan A-R
Date: 17 Sep 99 - 11:10 PM

Oh right, but he's YOUR possum!!Just don't let him out that door into Helen's wedding.

Here's a toast to Helen!! Marriage is a good and joyful thing. Have fun and love well.

Oh RATS S'paw!1 I won't be able to get to the Get Away this year (I'll try to send someone a tape of that fox xong for it though.) I need a long weekend to get my balance a bit. I have either been away, at my folks house, or working for all weekend days since some time in July, and I need to just be here, pull some weeds, put in bulbs, clean, and get life back in order. Also, as consolation, Tommy Sands will be here that weekend, and I'm his cook for the evening. I'll also be singing sa few Brecht songs on my husband's concert program out at a local college, so it should be a nice, interesting but peaceful weekend. Next Get Aaway I will be there!! I'm also having my music weekend extravaganza next weekend, so I won't miss out entirely.

Now, get that possum before he goes out that door into Helen's wedding. I know he wants to meet other marsupials, but this is NOT the time or place.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 18 Sep 99 - 12:57 AM

There's a crashtinkle as the front door flies open and slams against the wall, the little window shattering. Everyone watches nervously (or drunkenly, or somewhere in between) as a smallish, round-faced man with a pet caterpiller crawling across his upper lip. He's dressed in a nondescript baby poop brown suit over a vertically striped shirt with high, starched white collar and an extrawide tie handpainted with an image of the same man in the same suit, shirt, tie, and caterpiller, but instead of a clipboard, the man on the tie is holding a concertina.

As for that clipboard, brown suit fumbles through the pile of papers on it and says "I'm the health department. Is there a Mr. E. Jay Lonesome here?" Leej is about to duck behind the cash register when the man fixes an ironic eye on him. "Are you Mr. Lonesome?" The caterpiller on his lip bounces up and down as he speaks.

"Actually, that's Mr. Jay," Lonesome says, deciding to face the music. "Lonesome E. Jay, at your service. What can I do for you?"

"Actually, it's what I can do for you that's important." He pauses and the caterpiller sits still for a moment, but resumes its dance as the man speaks again, "I have about thirty violations of the health code here against this place--from wrestling matches in the food supply to flamingo poop in the hot tub and serving vile black stuff to a crazy union organizer with...I can hardly believe this...a potato stuffed up his butt? I suppose the potato ended up in your Mulligatawny?

"I might add," he added, "that I have additional powers as follows: I have been deputized by the Department of Fish and Game

"In addition," he adds, "I have also been deputized by the vice squad who are very concerned about some of the activities here, coincidentally some of the same activities cited in the health department claims, to wit nude wrestling including mixed sex tag team matches, themselves violations even if they hadn't taken place in a tub of jellow."

Leej's distress was contagious: the entire population of the pub, human and otherwise, stared at the official with his dancing caterpiller, who continued, "In my capacity as a pro tem immigration agent, I'm going to have to charge you with harboring illegal aliens..."

"Aliens?"

"What else would you call a bunch of Australians and Irish and Germans and Icelanders?"

"Uh, friends?"

"Ah hah! So you admit you know them! There's also the matter," he said, waving a badge from the National Wildlife Commission and an ID card from the SPCA, "of illegal possession of wildlife, to wit, flamingos. And the moral majority is VERY concerned about the depraved activities of someone named Cleigh O'Possum--is there someone here of that name?"

"Wait!" Leej shouted. "I've heard enough. Take me away. Lock me up in a prison cell and throw the key away. It's all true. Oh, the shame! Radio Shack will probably take my franchise...but at least in prison I won't be so lonesome..."

The caterpiller shaped itself into a squiggle as the round-faced faced man sneered, "Ah, quitcher bawlin' and draw me a Guiness." He stuffed the clipboard under his coat, and when his hand came out he was holding a concertina. "Who wants to sing along on "Finnegan's Wake?"

--seed(with apologies to RiGGy)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: DougR
Date: 18 Sep 99 - 01:06 AM

I go off to big "D" in the huge State of Texas for a couple of days and the Tavern appears to go to pot while I'm gone! Nobody knows who's pouring evidently and nobody's giving Alison a well earned foot massage. Big Mick, where the hell are you? I thought I raised you better than that. Alison is a needin' and you are nowhere in sight! Well, Alison, I guess by default I'll just have to fill in for Big Mick. A chore I don't dread at all.

DougR

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 18 Sep 99 - 01:45 AM

Seed, I've gotta confess, the caterpillar stache guy had me a trifle concerned. I was just about to pop open the trapdoor here behind the bar and make my escape, but realized that Banjer was passed out across it.

Well, the Hurricane has passed the Tavern safely by, and I reckon we all have reason to celebrate. I've invited some of the talent over from the "Exotic Dancer" Thread to titillate the crowd; please feel free to tip the dancers liberally.

Hey... guy in the trench coat! You better not leave without settling your tab! He what, Mick? He's a friend of Bert's, Huh? Alright, I'll put him on the tab. What's that Neil? He just headed off with Kerouac and Cassady in the Mercury! Jesus...talk about a nightmare journey. Maybe he'll get some questions answered, though. Guy had a gun, and he was asking for a big guy with a pony tail and a ceramic possum... I decided I'd better keep him away from Catspaw. Sure was shit-faced when he left...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Tavern - Round 11
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Sep 99 - 02:23 AM

.......GEEZUS.......What the hell's going on around here?......Who is that guy anyway?..........If he comes back we need to know something about his motives........Hey Leej, still got that egg money inn the cigar box?....Okay gang, let's all kick in a few bucks here.........Why?..Hey, I'll tell you why, WE NEED SOME INFO....plus we need somebody to do a little suveillance work. We need to hire a private dick!!!............Wait a minuts and let me rephrase that....Okay, we need a crack detective...uh...............skip that too...Dammit, y'all know what I mean and NOT Blake Madison either!!!! We need to get us a REAL snoop, you know, real stealthy, sneaky sort, a real boring and blah kind of guy who can blend into the background and shed a little light on things.........Hey Door....little help here, huh?....(FLING!).........Okay fine then......damn door really works, yuh know?.............

Spaw