BS: What do you say when they're dying?

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: maeve
Date: 19 Aug 11 - 08:59 PM

Well done, gnu.

T & P,

Maeve

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Neil D
Date: 19 Aug 11 - 09:11 PM

One time I was sitting with my best friend Susie after a crisis not quite knowing what to say, so not saying anything for quite a long while. After an hour or so, I apologized for being so quiet but told her I really was at a loss for words. I will always remember what she said to me, " Chrissy, sometimes it's nicer to have someone to just be quiet with than have someone trying to find the right things to say, you are a very good friend, and I have enjoyed just being with you." Sometimes I think it is just about "being" with another person.

                                  Christina

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Janie
Date: 19 Aug 11 - 11:10 PM

Well said, Christina.

My sister had a neighbor who had turned into a very close friend over the years. After it was clear Sis was going to die, but before she got so sick she was house-bound, we were chatting one weekend when I drove up for a visit, and she talked about how much the neighbor meant to her. "We can go out and shop or do other things when I feel like it, or she can just come over and sit in the easy chair while I lie on the couch, and we don't have to say anything, for an hour or more at a time. I can just be when we are together."

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Aug 11 - 02:33 AM

Gnu, if he doesn't answer the phone, think about stopping in. Maybe he won't answer the door, either - but maybe he needs a visit. It takes a lot of courage to visit a friend in his last days, but it's worth it.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 01 Oct 11 - 09:17 PM

He picked up the phone today. We chatted but I could tell he didn't wanna talk. He's got another week with the second round of chemo but he doesn't have much hope. When the conversation became strained I asked if he had any news about another buddy of ours. No.

I called our other buddy. The radiation has his throat in knots and pain. He tried to soothe it with rye tonight... you can inagine how that worked out... PAIN! (He was making a joke but he was in pain.) He asked me to come down to his place and take him out hunting. I said I would if I could find a day when I could but it wouldn't be likely (I decline to say herein why that ain't gonna happen).

Fuckin tobacco.

And if any sumbitch says too bad, it's yer own fault...

I am so pissed off right now I wanna scream.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: GUEST,ChanteyLass
Date: 01 Oct 11 - 11:42 PM

Go ahead. Scream. I'm listening, and i'm sure others are, too.

I have two friends who are constant smokers. Finish one cigarette, light another. One at about 68 was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Went from being "normal" one minute to having a seizure. Diagnoses: brain tumor, lung cancer, breast cancer, rib tumors. Another at 83 has never had any signs of cancer. People who have never smoked have died of lung cancer.

When someone you care about is suffering or dying, it is time to scream.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: GUEST,Bluesman
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 03:43 AM

Make a point of spending time with them, go over the old times, get him laughing. If he wants to talk about the illness, let him, if he does, reassure him that you will be there for his family. Knowing someone will be there for them means a lot.

Treatment for cancer is painful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Sometimes you ask yourself if it is worth it. Treatment, you live two to three years with virtually no quality of life for two of them, four sessions of Chemo, one run of Radio, possibly a second blast of Chemo a year later if the tumour shows increase in size. Opposed to no treatment, 12 to 14 months, nine of them good. Okay everyone differs, sorry for drifting.

Anyway, try to lift your friends spirits by talking about old times and as I said, let him know you will be there for his family.

Remember, understanding helps, sympathy only reinforces.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 05:52 PM

I tried to make him laugh during the last phone call. Reggie was always the first to laugh and his laugh was the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. I couldn't make him laugh. So I knew. He was a gem. A true gentleman.

A few years ago, he gave me mounted sets of moose and caribou antlers for my camp. I told him I was gonna sell my camp. He said that I might get another camp some day and he wanted me to have them as a reminder of him when he bit the dust... and he laughed big time. So, he knew then.

He will have one last BBQ and he requested that his ashes be placed in the top row of the vault rather than out in the grounds... so the dogs cannot piss on him.

I love you Reggie. When I come to visit you in heaven I'll bring a bottle of Screech. WHAT am I sayin? Surely they have Screech in heaven... if only just for Reggie. And I'll bet God is LHAO right now. And the girls are after Reggie... tall, handsome, curly dirty red hair... the girls were always after Reggie. Now I am babbling.

Goodbye Reg. RIP buddy.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 06:44 PM

Sorry for your loss Gnu. It's been just about a year since I lost a good friend too. But it still feels fresh. Take care.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Neil D
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 07:09 PM

So very sorry for your loss Gnu, I am sure that he knew you cared. You did get to say the things you wanted to say, and be there for him up to the end. We just lost a friend that took the privilege of saying goodbye or anything else to him away from us. Guess it was just too painful for him to stay. We will keep you in our thoughts.

                              Christina D.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 07:33 PM

I am glad that you had an amazing friend who enjoyed Screech (I buy it when I can find it) and with the good sense not to be pissed on by dogs.
Rest easy, Reggie.
I am genuinely sorry that our paths haven't crossed.
So sorry, Gary.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 08:11 PM

My deepest condolences, gnu. I echo what Sinsull and others have said. You are/were a good friend who did right by Reggie and I wish we could have known him, too. Lots of {{{hugs}}} for you, too.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Nov 11 - 08:21 PM

Like I said a few months ago when this thread was started: make time to see your buddies...

My buddy, Joe, also a smoker (pipes and cigars) died of lung cancer... Other than family I was the only "old friend" to visit him toward the end... His widow has told me over and over how much that meant to him...

Make the time, Gn-ze...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: KT
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 04:00 AM

What a treasure your friendship has been for both of you. I'm so sorry for your loss, Gnu.
KT

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: bfdk
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 11:28 AM

So sorry to hear about your loss, Gary.

Big hug,

Bente

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 06:48 PM

Thanks everyone.

Got my say prepared in my head. If I can stand up... or even stay at the funeral. I get emotional, but that's not news to anyone who knows me.

Our last words in the last telecon before we said goodbye were, "I love you, Reggie."... "I love you too, Gary."

Glad I did.

Been talkin on the net. Gonna be a bash after the reception. Peeps from NB, NS, PEI, NFLD, ONT, AB and BC... at least.

I was gonna ask that this thread be closed but it may help someone else in future so I'll just say...

RIP Reggie and thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Paul Burke
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 07:12 PM

gnu: I only know what I didn't say when my friend was dying. Never seemed the right time, and now there's no time. You had the courage to say what you meant, he had the courage to listen, you both leave each other with no regrets. Wish i'd been you.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Janie
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 08:10 PM

gnu.....{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: ChanteyLass
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 10:55 PM

I'm sorry, too, gnu. I'm glad you let him know you cared. Also, I am glad you started this thread and that I looked at it.

My friend with cancer died about 3 weeks ago, just a little more than two months after she was diagnosed. This thread affirmed that I was not alone in wondering what to say and do.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 11:48 PM

What a moving thread.
Gnu -- and you others who have posted -- you done good. You are good people and even better friends,
and I hope I can be as good a friend as you all have been when someone I love becomes a "short-timer".

Respect.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 11:52 PM

Well there ya go eh? I am glad I did not ask that this thread be closed just because of the latest posts.

BTW... (BTW is a convenient intro in many situations)... when you get to the funeral parlour and there is a BIG lineup to sign the visitor's book, walk right past it and go to the stateroom rather than follow the crowd to the sign-in and then into the service room. I did and I spent ten wonderful minutes talking with Reg's wife... alone. We almost broke up together a few times but managed not to start crying with humour... I am sure Reg was proud of us both.

They had to bring in chairs and then keep the doors open for peeps standing in the hallway.

I know Reg isn't the only special person in the world. But he was to me and to many.

Thanks again for all the kind comments. To me, they mean that you trust me when I say Reg is a loss to all that knew him and moreso to those whot did not... that you also know/knew someone like Reg. Celebrate them and tell them that you do. Just as has been said on this thread many times by many people... by wise people.

Thanks for listening. Means a lot.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: RoyH (Burl)
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 05:20 AM

I had a similar experience. Last year a long-time friend of mine was very sick. I got a phone call from him in which I could barely recognise his voice. He described his symptoms and I realised he felt he was near to death. He said he just wanted a chat about old times, and we did that, but before I hung up I told him, 'I love you Jim'. He said, 'I love you too, it's been great' He made some recovery, and didn't die until last week. I couldn't make it to his funeral, but I'll never forget that conversation. I'm really glad that it took place. If you ever find yourself in a position like this, don't be shy of saying what you feel. Genuine friends are a blessing in life. Let them know.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 07:46 AM

My condolences, burl.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 08:27 AM

I gotta tell ya, Reggie woulda been proud of me. I have lost 100 pounds over the last two and a half years and I was able to wear my 30 year old three piece blue pin-stripe suit replete with red silk tri-corner pocket square and a poppy on the lapel. I didn't go in the service room but waited alongside while the line was going in in order to greet old friends. Doesn't sound like much but here is the kicker... I looked so damn good that people who didn't know me thought I was on staff! One lady in the line to get in the service room tried to take my programme!!! Hahahahaa. Reggie woulda laughed THAT laugh at that one... I hope he did.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:13 AM

I have few words for you. We all know that you are a good bloke you are, Gnu, and Reggie knew it too. The friendship you had was a gift. Sometime, hopefully soon, you will be able to focus on the gift and not the loss.

Hugs

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 03:44 PM

A thought that keeps recurring to me: it may be difficult to know what to say - and some people stay away because of that difficulty - when someone you love has received the curtain call but the fact is that you yourself can get away from the subject, can go skiing or on a family outing or attend a party or a myriad other activities, but the person involved cannot ever get away. S/he has thought about little else ever since the diagnosis and even before, so get thee hence. Your presence alone says much.

The last thing I said to my brother was on the phone when we knew that death was imminent and I had returned home so he could be alone with his family was: Happy Trails to you.

And he laughed and said, The same to you.

The next morning he went into a coma, and he died two days later.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:12 PM

Hugs Ebbie.

Ebbie... "Your presence alone says much." Yes, even tho he didn't want me to visit, I am sure the phone calls meant a lot to him. I know that even more now after talking to his widow at the funeral.

BTW... I have always celebrated my times with Reg, even after his death. I do not focus on the loss. But it still sucks. Allow me that.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 11:50 PM

I know, Gary.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 06 Nov 11 - 04:40 PM

Gnu

I didn't mean to take anything away from how this death is hurting you. I have always been rubbish at offering words of wisdom or comfort. I think you know that I understand first hand that memories are no substitute for the real live person. Sorry if I offended. It was not my intention.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: alison
Date: 07 Nov 11 - 09:24 AM

so sorry for your loss Gnu.

and thank you for all of the wise advice in this thread, and the stories.

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 07 Nov 11 - 04:28 PM

No worries, VTam... never.

Subject: RE: BS: What do you say when they're dying?
From: gnu
Date: 11 Nov 11 - 08:51 PM

Something JUST struck me. Several conversations ago, Reggie said he had lost a lot of weight but that he did it for his own well being in order to get through chemo. I have another friend who is on his way out and he is doing the same thing but he said it was because he wanted his last days when he gets "really sick" to be less. He figures if he loses weight, he will die faster when things get really bad, thus lessening his pain and the pain his family and friends will have to go through.

Anybody ever experience this? His family and friends keep asking him if he is sick because he has lost a lot of weight and doesn't "look good" but he doesn't tell any of them shit... just me and one other buddy. Again, it's hard to know what to say.

I suppose it's all been said on this thread before. Just pisses me off that I can't do better.