BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly

Subject: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 04:11 AM

The idea came to us in the 'Old Gits' corner of the pub, quite by chance. The regular, monotonous calm routine of the summer days - reading the paper after lunch in the afternoon, a little gardening, and then a few beers at 5pm before dinner - was making us irritable and somehow unsatisfied, unfulfilled even. As the beers were drunk and the glasses refilled, one by one the voices fell silent. Gloom settled over the bar and Kath, the barmaid, abstractedly began to pick at a pimple on her chin. A bluebottle stopped his buzzing landed on a bowl of salted peanuts. Silence reigned.

Suddenly, Arthur slammed his glass on to the bar with all the force of his 81 years and sputtered, "I'm bored - absolutely bloody bored! I'm going to burn down the White Hart and then loot One-Stop! Who's with me?" For a moment there was a stunned silence. We knew that Arthur disliked the White Hart intensely and would never drink there, but - to burn it down! I ask you.

Then Fred, to our astonishment, suddenly threw his glass into the air. Beer droplets fell on to his bald head as the glass rose and fell before landing with a soft thud on to the bar carpet. "I'm with you, Arthur!" he cried - "I'm up for it!" Before anyone could say another word, old Ken slowly got off his bar stool and reached for his stick , saying calmly, "Well, I'm buggered if I'm staying here on my own, so let's get on with it."

Carpe diem. One by one, we finished our drinks and with cries of "Cheerio," "See you later," and "Be back soon," filed slowly out through the door and down the High Street in the direction of the little One-Stop supermarket. "Right," shouted Arthur when we got there, "let's go in and take what we want - without paying - and then set fire to the Hart!" To be honest it was a bit of a struggle getting through the door because one of them was bolted top and bottom and we had to squeeze through the other one at a time. When we finally got inside, wheezing and puffing a little, we had a look round to see what we could 'nick'. Ken limped down the small aisle on the left, past the soap powders and pet food, Arthur took the right aisle going down towards the papers and biscuits, and Fred and I crept furtively towards the vegetables.

Well, do you know, there didn't really seem to be much worth having. Arthur picked up a couple of packets of chocolate digestives, looked at them critically and then put them back, muttering "heartburn..." to himself. Ken surveyed a couple of shelves of tea packets and powdered coffee, shaking his head slowly. Fred and I were not impressed by the veg. After a few minutes, the young chap behind the till came over to us and asked politely, "Can I help anyone?" I turned a little red and shook my head mutely. The others said nothing but, one by one made their way to the door - empty-handed.

Just down the street from the shop was the White Hart. "Anyone got any matches?" asked Arthur? We all shook our heads. None of us smoked. I used to smoke a pipe some years ago, but stopped when the smoking ban came into force. We stood there, in the evening sunlight, not knowing quite what to do. Fred broke the silence. "Drink, anyone?" he said. Our faces brightened, and we slowly walked back up the street to our local.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the great Old Gits riot of 2011 was narrowly averted.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 04:22 AM

phew!

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 04:37 AM

Well you've certainly opened my eyes to the perils of octogenarianism.
Life without Tesco's is more hazardous than I thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 05:07 AM

It brought tears to my eyes.
Have you thought of submitting it to Private Eye or similar?

Cheers
Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 05:11 AM

Private Eye? - Nah - just a bit of off-the-cuff silliness for a laugh! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 05:42 AM

How dare you mention my name Will :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: MikeL2
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 06:03 AM

Hi Will

Ha ha....

And here was me thinking that we in Cheshire are the only old gits who occasionally ( when the beer runs out) consider strong-arm tactics.

A year or so back we considered snaffling some loose sweets from Woolworth but someone must have reported it to the police. Days later out Woolworth's closed for good.

Regards

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: TheSnail
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 06:18 AM

It wasn't you lot that looted the Poundland in Pecham was it?

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 06:20 AM

If the caps fit...

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Musket
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 08:47 AM

They're out of control! If they don't get their daily shoot up of sanatogen, they go cold turkey, hence running amok in Aldi and Boots before huddling in a corner of Wetherspoons to let the good feeling reappear...

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 09:47 AM

LOL...sounds a likely plot line for Midsomer Murders!:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 10:36 AM

Thanks, Will. I enjoyed it.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: paul vaughan
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 10:58 AM

Hi Will that is so good!!
Would you mind if I print this off and show the guys at work?
It would at least bring a smile to the miserable gits faces!
Many thanks,
Paul.
p.s when are you coming down to the acoustic night at the Ark, would still love to see you!!

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 11:08 AM

Hi Paul - print away!

Is the Ark on on the 17th? If so, I'll definitely get there.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 11:15 AM

I loved it!

So what happened the next day when the blokes recapped the night's activities? Is there more you can milk from this adventure? Kat, I hope it isn't like Midsomer, it would mean someone would have to die a bizarre death entangled in their suspenders (braces?) hanging under the village bridge, pockets stuffed full of packets of instant coffee.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: paul vaughan
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 11:18 AM

Thanks Will,
We will be at the Ark next week but Duncan, the tenor player I would like you to meet, is away on hols so won't be back till the week after.
By all means come and see us but It's only fair to say that it's all evolved into more of an open mic night than a folk session, still great fun though and a good excuse for a pint!

Hoping to meet you soon,

Paul.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: gnu
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 03:08 PM

Priceless! Thanks much!

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Valmai Goodyear
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 05:56 AM

Will describes events in quiet, rural Henfield.

In less affluent Seaford, things took an uglier turn. Hordes of pensioners, maddened by an unusually pure batch of black market Ovaltine, pulled surgical stockings over their faces and rioted through Superdrug, stripping the shelves of Benylin, Algipan, Rennies and Gaviscon. Enraged that they could not break into nearby Boots, they filled its door locks with denture fixative instead. Plugs of earwax burned fiercely. The air was filled with the shrill whine of overloaded defibrillators and the sickening crack of zimmer on zimmer as old bridge club scores were settled, in some cases terminally. Packets of corn plasters were ripped open and their contents scattered like confetti. The police watched from a safe distance (Eastbourne).

Eventually the mob fled, jangling with looted copper and magnetic jewellery, leaving a trail of corn plasters, Werthers Originals and empty ultra-strength Senokot packets. A police spokesmen said later, 'They are on the run now but they won't get far. Make no mistake, the police won't be just going through the motions.'

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 06:07 AM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Valmai Goodyear
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 06:28 AM

Thanks, Will,for starting up a very entertaining thread and getting the imagination fermenting....

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 07:25 AM

Pah! You old pussies... You coulda nicked matches from the shop. I mean do I have to draw ya a picture?

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 08:24 AM

Perhaps I should reveal that my first post was part of a silly little blog(?) - nearly - which I started some time ago, and which I add to now and then. If you're bothered, you can see it at:

The Old Gits Corner

Just my way of passing some time when I'm not making music or being a grandad...

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Valmai Goodyear
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 08:36 AM

It has much charm.

A couple of years ago I was at the tunes session in The Bull, Ditchling and noticed a couple of older patrons having difficulty reading the printed menu. The kindly barman immediately offered them 'the pub reading glasses'. Perhaps the pub could eventually expand the service to offer an ear trumpet and maybe a set of teeth as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: johncharles
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 06:11 AM

thta's the problem with being and old git. You set off to do something and when you arrive you forget why you are there.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: GUEST,livelylass
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 06:33 AM

Will, you really should script a half hour R4 radio play based on the old gits.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Dead Horse
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 08:51 AM

I blame their parents.....

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Will Fly
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 09:00 AM

Will, you really should script a half hour R4 radio play based on the old gits.

I think it's been done, really - "Last Of The Summer Wine", etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 09:14 AM

Beautifully written, Will :0)

I tell you what though, you old gits wouldn't even be able to steal a packet of pork chops down here in Torquay, for in our local 'town' Tesco, the one on the high street, not the out-of-town mega ones, they security tag all the meat products now.

I kid you not.

Why? Because folks keep stealing them, such is the poverty down here...and the high number of drug addicts and alcoholics here in the Bay...(Torbay is made up of Torquay, Brixham, Paignton, Preston and a few other places)

Ah well, at least those poor folks have the highest water bills in the land to look forward to each month. No wonder they're trying to steal the fekking meat!    :0)

Sadly, this is NOT a made-up story...

Subject: RE: BS: Old gits cause mayhem in Sussex - nearly
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 14 Aug 11 - 11:57 AM

thanks for posting the story & link, Will, I loved them