BS: Thanks for the e-mails

Subject: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 08:13 AM

MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ... As we progress through to the start of 2012,
I want to thank you for your educational forwarded e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. .

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: Mr Happy
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 08:49 AM

So it's Lesson 1 of American English as a 2nd language?

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 08:51 AM

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina ,   after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity   read
their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

With the length of some emails you need to keep control of the mouse!
Yours was over 2 screens long, so anyone getting to your comment would have just been using their mouse.

And never mind not shaking hands with drivers because of nose-picking. In view of some of the most popular computer searches, and associated activities, maybe you should avoid touching the mouse!

Happy New Year!

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 10:25 AM

LMAO! Thanks RtS, no don't touch that!! You don't know where it's been!

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: jacqui.c
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 07:11 PM

Wot Kat said.

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: frogprince
Date: 11 Jan 12 - 07:16 PM

Snopes says this email is a hoax....:)

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 02:08 PM

Have to admit - I now close the lid before flushing and wrap my toothbrush in tissue.
Mary Fresh Breath

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: Charmion
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 02:28 PM

I have always closed the lid before flushing, but that's because of the cats. The first time you have to rescue a desperate kitten -- all claws -- who fell in while trying to get a drink will be the last time you walk away leaving the lid up.

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 02:54 PM

SINS... "I now close the lid before flushing and wrap my toothbrush in tissue."

OH, I am SOOOO tempted.

yeah, i know, cellar... do i at least get supper?

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: paula t
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 01:56 PM

Thanks for that , Roger. It really made my day!Don't forget to carefully monitor your intake of processed meats!

Subject: RE: BS: Thanks for the e-mails
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 12:59 AM

And what's wrong with smelling like a Water Bufallo on a hot day?

Ya got somethin against domestic critters in general, or is it a particular bias just against workin' class animals.

C'mon Chongo, and tell 'im what fer.

John