Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jan 14 - 04:02 AM

Pirates Training Day.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Vic Smith
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 06:59 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghDJTaa9vpQ

A pension scheme for pirates is about as unlikely as a pension scheme for folk singers.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 06:36 AM

Why, shiver me timbers! 'Tis Captain Kidd, I kidd you not. Always did reckon that Blitherscrum was run by a bunch of pirates, either that or cowboys.

Anyway, I'm reliably informed that the pirates have got rid of their old parrot and replaced it with a decimal one. Instead of squawking "pieces of eight", it squawks "pieces of ten".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 14 - 01:51 PM

They are performing in this years festival anyway Fred!..... with some friends they are performing the following short play!:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghDJTaa9vpQ    Sorry but blickifier didn't work.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 03 Jan 14 - 05:56 AM

Mr Georgiansilver. Please pay attention. I have already dealt with this point. The festival committee is offering 2.5% discounts for punters who are willing to dig the sink holes to carry away the flood water. Granted no-one has so far taken this interesting offer. But that's no reason to assume the weather will in any way be congenial towards airbeds.

Besides, what happens when the floods recede and carry the airbeds and punters out to the sea, there to be left to the mercy of pirates and man eating sharks? I know this is the pantomime season, but imagine the outcome if they ran into Cap'n 'ook and Long John Silver.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 14 - 03:45 AM

I understand that the Festival site is flooded yet again with all the rain this year. Flash floods can be a problem so it has been suggested by the committee that instead of investing in new chairs and sunbeds this year, we should think about investing in air beds which float if there is a sudden rise of tide in the river Blither. What do you think?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Mick Tems
Date: 02 Jan 14 - 10:53 AM

It's probably just an ugly rumour, but I've heard that Mad Axeman Osborne is looking for arts events that he could close to inflict pain and misery on the populace - and he's just spotted Blitherscrum...

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 03:39 PM

Ahh, a play on words is it? Just because the word try crops up in rugby football, and we were talking about scrums and stuff, you thought you'd show the big thickos how clever you are.

Let me tell you sir, at Blitherscrum, many have tried and none have succeeded.

Furthermore, the right honourable William MacRea, Democratic Unionist Party member of parliament for South Antrim, dyed in the wool Protestant Presbyterian and upholder of all things anti-Catholic and sanctimonious, is not only a raving bigot. He also plays the accordeon and sings. Rumour has it that he once recorded a song called "Oh Lord, Drop Kick Me Through The Goal Posts Of Heaven". Now there's a prime candidate for next year's Blitherscrum guest list if ever there was one.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 05:50 PM

Sadly Blitherscrum is nowhere near Rugby........ Good try! :)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 08:20 AM

Hmm! Fred suggests that the dance may be more like a scrum.....That might work.....at a push.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 07:56 AM

I think you're missing the point. Dances at Blitherscrum are more like rugby matches than ceilidhs or country dance.

Hence the name. Blither Scrum.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 06:29 PM

The Blithersmorrisceilidh Guest!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 06:17 PM

Maurice Mann and the Jingling Johnnies?....no? .......fair enough.
Pte. Teare

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 02:53 PM

Do you mean the "Blithersceilidh"?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,morris man john
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 12:21 PM

I hope t committee will be discussing the dance programme?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 06:08 AM

To avoid any confusion, the Child Owlet is situated at Elkin Moor, not Darling Muir. Peter Buchan placed it in the latter locality, but who on earth would trust him? Anyway, you can't miss it. There's rather a lot of broom and bonny whin in those parts.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 03:39 PM

Following the visit from those killjoys at the NSPCC the landlord at the King Herod has removed roast kid from the menu, and replaced it with roasted cock. So when the festival committee met on Boxing Day after the traditional wren hunt to consider what acts to book for the 2014 Festival the landlord told them "I've heard you're booking this twerker Smiley Virus. Now if that's true then I bet that roasted cock there will get up and crow three times."

Well, as it turned out, the chef had forgotten to switch the oven on so up stood Farmer Jones's best Rhode Island Red cockerel in the dish and it crowed full fences three.

The next committee meeting will be on New Year's Day; it was supposed to be at the Child Owlet on Darling Muir, but the members are now torn between the Black Horse and the Bay Mare instead.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 01:43 PM

Georgiansilver. No, the reason why the nativity play didn't go ahead was because they couldn't find a virgin. (Thinks. The old ones are always the best.)

Dunno about the King Herod being the best pub in town for Child ballads. We've always used the Cruel Mother, which is two doors down from the King Herod. I gather the Child Owlet is pretty good too. There's many a one couldn't tear themselves away from there.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Jon Heslop
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 08:47 AM

The King Herod pub, just the place for singing Child ballads! Or of course, the perrenial favourite Christmas song that starts, "Children roasting on an open fire....."
By the way, is there any truth in the rumour of a workshop on world music for elderly folkies entitled, "Youth in Asia?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 04:57 AM

Come to think of it Barbecue'd Mackerel is lovely especially with a touch of rhubarb (abundant in Blitherscrum) or Goosegogs.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 04:55 AM

The Laily worm is not necessarily deadly, I have a silver wand and some faggots and a stake for a fire. Once we've burnt the "witch" we could roast potatoes and sausages in the ashes, singing ging, gang, gooly as we do so. Possibly not a new song for Blitherscrum but great fun all the same.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 04:14 AM

Sadly, Blitherscrum Drama Group failed to hold the Nativity in the village hall again this year as once again they couldn't find "Three Wise Men".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 28 Dec 13 - 06:14 AM

Ok. Panic over. Turns out the only babies ever served up by the King Herod were jelly babies.

However, The Pinnochio Arms, which is just across the way, lost its licence some years ago for indulging in white slavery. Something to do with sending the kids on a trip to Pleasure Island, where they ended up having to work on zero hours contracts with no employment rights, for cruel and tyrannical overseers. Sounds a bit like Britain under the Lib-Dem coalition in fact.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 12:01 PM

I deduce from your ominous silence that you have decided not to take me up on the offer of some of my clients for next year's festival. Wise choice; I've seen them - they're all shite. I got them as a job lot from that John Kelly bloke. Bastard. He's just been offering me another outfit, dubiously named Ali Gaytor and the Snappy Seven. Weird name for a five-piece. I won't be falling for it though. I didn't want to be an agent, you know; I wanted to be ....A LUMBERJACK....
PTE. TEARE

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 11:56 AM

It is now, but only since the NSPCC paid them a visit.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 11:48 AM

I seem to have misinterpreted the comment about serving children; I thought it was a referene to the menu...
JK

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 07:44 AM

Sorry, but the acid rain produced by the Laily Worm is guaranteed to rot all makes of parachute canvas, usually while the parachutist is several hundred feet from the ground.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 07:10 AM

Parachutes .............. that's what is needed. Parachute in, camp in the tent made from a parachute and die in either the poisonous wood or fetid swamp a happy man knowing that you have experienced the best festival in the world. Life afterwards would be so dreary that death would seem like a blessing.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 06:11 AM

Yes, but only princely babes, or anyone he thinks is a princely babe.

Anyway, further research has revealed the location of Blitherscrum to be roughly midway between Bradfield, Bolsterstone and Broomhead. However, when I looked the location up on the OS map, it said "Here Be Dragons". It also indicated that the village is impossible to get to, being surrounded by poisonous woods and a fetid swamp. Plus the whole area is guarded by Alison Gross, Kemp Owene, the Laily Worm and the Machrel of the Sea.

No wonder they never attract any punters.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 04:28 PM

The King Herod pub you say? I'm told the landlord serves children there on Boxing Day.

M

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 12:19 PM

Yes. Also worth pointing out the traditional Blitherscrum custom of conflating carols and combining them. EG., "I Saw Three Kings Come Wassailing In".

Of course there are no apple trees in Blitherscrum. In fact there's practically nothing of anything that looks even half way likely to bloom. So the locals took Child 54 and altered it a bit, so that it now starts "Old cherry tree, we wassail thee".

Then again there's one you'll hear every year in the King Herod. Well, you will ever since the landlord didn't realise he'd run over time, and ended up in court for accidentally serving after hours. "King Herod and the Clock".

BTW. I was driving back over the moors from Dungworth this afternoon and, just about where Penistone Rd becomes Mortimer Rd, I swear I saw a sign which said BLITHERSCRUM five miles.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 12:32 PM

Thanks Fred, how could I have forgotten that? It of course spawned a host of imitations such as 'O Littler Village of Lesser Blitherscrum', and 'O Littlest Hamlet of Blitherscrum Parva' culminating in the wonderful, but miniscule carol 'O Tiniest Little Homestead of Blitherscrum Minus'.

Matthew

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 11:43 AM

Matthew, youve forgotten the most important one in the entire Blitherscrum carol book, the one which really gets them going. "Oh Little Town of Blitherscrum". That was the one which was rescued from the dustbin by the great Sir William Grindleford himself.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 09:44 AM

Is anybody joining me tonight for the Blitherscrum carols? These are traditionally performed after the midnight service at the Church of the Apocryphal Virgin. The singers go from house to house through the night in all weathers, finishing at Old Jones's farmhouse up Rapperty Bank in Lower Blitherscrum. The singers usually meet first at the Plumber's Armpit for a brief rehearsal so I do hope that some of you will make it there.

The old carols sung in Blitherscrum include such gems as:-
Sweet Belles
Wild Shepherds
Jacob's Not Very Well
Wobbly Hark
Blitherscrum:- 'While Shepherds Watched' sung (more or less) to the tune of 'John Brown's Body'
and not forgetting the beautiful 'Home on the Blither' which never fails to bring tears to the eyes of listeners.

Matthew

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Vic Smith
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 06:55 AM

Actually, Fred, The Muddy Watersons are really looking forward to appearing at Blitherscrum.... so much so that they are recording a limited issue CD just for sale at this Festival. It is entitled:-

Holy Heathens and the Old Green Mannish Boy

...and the opening track is "Funny Sounds, Sound Your Instruments Of Joy."

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 06:49 AM

The Muddy Watersons. Are they the ones who sing "My Home Is In The Hull Delta, Right By The Rolling Fork" in four part harmony?

I gather they also do "Strolling and Stumbling", "Digging My Potatoes" (very important if you want to get fed at Blitherscrum)and "Feel Like Going Home" ? Well, they will once they see the audience.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Vic Smith
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 06:19 AM

Like many leading folk festivals, Blitherscrum has had to take a more cross-cultural approach to pull in the punters these days.
This is strongly reflected in the names that have just been announced to headline the 2014 line-up:-

THE MUDDY WATERSONS
(Chicago Electric Blues with a strong Yorkshire leaning )

DICK GAUGAIN
(Polynesian/Scottish post-impressionist painter ballads)

PUFFING BILLY BRAGG
(Left-wing political songs for early steam railway enthusiasts)

HORATIO NELSON MANDELA
(An anti-apartheid look at the Battle of Trafalgar)

STRICTLY COME MORRIS DANCING
(English ritual dancing re-packaged for Saturday evening peak-hour television)

CHEL-SEA SHANTIES
(Authentic football shanties collected at Stamford Bridge)

CECIL SHARP PRACTICES
(A seminar for businessmen on the dodgy and tax-avoiding deals found in English folk song)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 05:51 AM

I think I knew Pat, she used to sing

Good morning to you, wither? said I
Good morning to you now
The maid replied "kind sir, she cried
I've lost my spotted cow


Ah, fond memories of time spent in the byre, big girl she was too.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick Yet Again
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 05:21 AM

MORE IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS. Turns out that the festival committee has just woken up to the fact that there's a big revival of ye ancient local carols. Accordingly they have been in contact with Professor Fergus O'Fungus who has been researching the Blitherscrum carols. He has agreed to hold a series of workshops over Saturday and Sunday of the festival. These will culminate in a concert on the Sunday night, after everyone has gone home.

'catters may be interested to know that, in accordance with other local carol traditions, most of Blitherscrum's celebrate local landmarks and scenes of great natural beauty. Be prepared for such gems as "Sewage Farm", "Effluent Pump" and "Cow Pat". And of course there's that glorious contrapuntal gem, "Here Lies the Grave Of Knocking Shop Nelly".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick Again
Date: 21 Dec 13 - 01:18 PM

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS; The following has just come through on the carrier pigeon. No, not the pigeon that got eaten by the cat. The other one.

"Blitherscrum Folk Festival Committee has very generously and wisely agreed to offer a discount of 2.5% to all ticket holders who will be willing to dig the sink holes needed to drain the flood water on the festival site. Particpants must bring their own shovels. A prize will be given to the person who digs the deepest hole."

Sounds like they mean business this year. Remember that time when the sewage flooded the bar and got into the beer kegs? Everyone said how nice it was to have a beer you could taste for a change.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 21 Dec 13 - 06:54 AM

T. Banks. Does anybody listen to him? Cheek by jowl with anyone else that is?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Vic Smith
Date: 21 Dec 13 - 06:49 AM

I'm not sure about Ike and Hugh but I can confirm that T. Banks has left the Coalminers, given up folk music altogether and has re-invented himself as a rapper.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Snuffy
Date: 21 Dec 13 - 05:33 AM

Didn't Ike and Hugh eventually break away from the Coalminers to go solo (duo?)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 19 Dec 13 - 03:44 AM

I am reminded with mention of Jacques Hughes of his sisters band, back in the late 60's early 70's. Jackie's backing band was the Coalminers I believe.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 05:26 PM

Never heard of the Dodd-Gee Motors... the only garage within 60 miles of Blitherscrum is run by partners 'Broke and Down' Situated not far from the 'Nicket and Scarper' pub which is to be avoided due to the thieves that drink there.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 05:26 PM

Never heard of the Dodd-Gee Motors... the only garage within 60 miles of Blitherscrum is run by partners 'Broke and Down' Situated not far from the 'Nicket and Scarper' pub which is to be avoided due to the thieves that drink there.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Dave Earl
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 01:56 PM

I'll ask matron if she can find directins for me.

She says if I'm good I can go to this festival

Dave

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 12:58 PM

Re: tickets - ignore advice from 'Vic Smith' - anybody can see that's a scam. Simply send your money to me, and I will pass it on - you don't need to ask who to, this is all 'Kosher'.
The address is Pte. Teare, Smugglers' cove, Cayman. (that's a small island just off the coast close to Blitherscrum; it's where their bank is located).
Incidentally, I notice the name Dodd Gee - obviously made up on the spot. It does, however, remind me of two gentlemen I knew about twenty years ago; a Mr Dodd and a Mr Gee. They ran a used car business back then, called Dodd-Gee Motors. It suddenly closed down, and I haven't heard of them since. Come to think of it, it was located not too far from Blitherscrum.
Mind you, I have heard it said that you can't be too far from Blitherscru,
John Ke..er...Pte. Teare

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 10:34 AM

Dunno, but it sure gives me the pip.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Festival 2014 A new start!
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Dec 13 - 08:40 AM

Steal Outspan - championed by John Peel originally - or was he taking the pith?