BS: Complete Knobhead club

Subject: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 05:20 PM

I am told, by the powers that be, that if anyone wanted to start their own club along the like of Big Mick's recent thread it would not be censored. Well, the word was actually censured but we have gone though that.

Anyway. On the same lines. I am taking nominations for the complete knobhead club. I am not following Big Mick's lines and it will not be by PM only. Nominations here. Tell us who and why. In gory details. Winner will be decided by me. I am judge, Judy and exhibitionist.

Enjoy.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 05:44 PM

Fuck you and the white horse you rode in on!!!

Do I qualify?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 05:46 PM

Nah, Sorry, gnu. You're bnad.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 05:54 PM

Are there any travel, shopping or gasoline discounts, or frequent liar points, with membership?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 05:54 PM

What? Bnad? How can you bnad me from the competition? I am gonna write a goddamn letter to the editor if you do not allow me to compete! I have trained years for this. I deserve a shot at it. Don't take my dream away from me.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 06:02 PM

Sorry, gnu, I AM the editor. Tell you what. You can have a honorary knobhead award if you like. All you have to do is send $500 in a plain brown envelope...

Ed T. Using words like 'gasoline discounts' will get you in the running but you will have to try a lot harder to take pole position.

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 06:50 PM

I was never plain. I was always an exemplary knobhead. I shall take my leave, against my soul's content, and bow to your authority, dubious as it is in my egotistical fantasy bewrought with my failed attempts of attaining grandeur in knobhood. I am an owner of a lonely heart.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:09 PM

""How much is a "knob of butter?"   How much do you want it to be? 

Certainly more than a dash, and well more than a pinch — neither of which seems the best way to measure butter, in any event. 

More to the point, a knob of butter is a British term denoting some butter, and its use is sadly declining as zealous editors force more precision and science into our recipes and cookbooks. Even the loosest British cooks (and I mean that in the nicest way) might get away with telling you to add a knob of butter on a television program. But when their cookbooks are published in the States, you can bet someone will have translated all those knobs into precise measurements. 

In my experience, a knob of butter is a couple tablespoons, more or less.""

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:17 PM

""A knob of butter is about a heaped tablespoon, or about the same size as you would pick up between three fingers and a thumb.

A knob of butter is defined as an isosceles right-angled tetrahedron whose adjacent is equal to half the height of the block of butter.

US and UK tablespoons and teaspoons a not the same. 1 tablespoon [UK] = 1.2503332 tablespoon [US] so a heaping tablespoon [UK] is very close to 2 tablespoons [US].
And I thought that UK,US,European tablespoons were 15ml, unlike an Australian tablespoon which is 20ml.""

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:27 PM

"Even when being asked questions about some serious matter [Oppenheimer] likes to answer in devious and sybilline fashion; but after a few such excursions his bewildered hearer is astonished to find that the answer as a whole, so far from evading the question, has illuminated it in depth by means of some brilliant, unexpected perception which reveals hitherto unnoticed relationships."
Michel Rouze. Robert Oppenheimer, The Man and His Theories. 1965.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:29 PM

I had something of a shock when I went to the first meeting of the knobhead club and discovered that there were a good number of people around that I thought to be smarter than me.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:49 PM

A knob of butter in the US is probably a stick. The question is, though, exactly how far it will go in the lubrication stakes. Exactly how lubricious do you have to be for your knobhead stick to rank as a club? Bong, Kong or Dong? Or tipper?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 07:57 PM

Knobhead club- discriminatory bigots as opposed to angelic knotheads!

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 08:01 PM

I nominate Ed T before he nominates himself... if he already hasn't.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Apr 14 - 11:37 PM

I gnominate the Gnome. You can see that he is begging for the knob.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 02:42 AM

Typical sailor fantasy.....

I don't have anyone to nominate to be honest. The only people I swear at don't fall into the "let's have a bit of fun" category.

I would like to be an associate member though. You can cream off a bit of dosh if they let you organise the beetle drives and vegetable contests. A nice little earner awaits the hon sec.



Dave. That $500. Don't go to the bank. I can give you a slightly better exchange rate. See me in the tap room later.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Amos
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 04:46 AM

knobhead
Syllabification: knob·head
NOUN

British • vulgar slang
A stupid person.


Now I am caught up, and I wish to go on record as saying that if nominated I will not accept, if chosen will not run, and if elected will not serve.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:01 AM

""...I wish to go on record as saying that if nominated I will not accept, if chosen will not run, and if elected will not serve""

"and to be clear,I did not have sex with that woman"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:05 AM

He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit" 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:15 AM

"I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here." 
― Lauren Myracle

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:28 AM

 A reminder that you should spend only your spare time (if any) trying to understand this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:45 AM

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are driving through the high country in Scotland. Atop a hill, they see a black sheep.

The engineer says: "All sheep are black!" The physicist says: "No, no, some sheep are black." The mathematician: "At least one sheep is black on at least one side."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:52 AM

Sorry Ed, but with that joke about sheep you are...

Wait for it...

Baaaaaahhhd.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:56 AM

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Windows Software engineer were out riding,when their car broke down,and they couldn't get it started. The mechanical engineer suggested thatit might be out of gas, but after checking it out he found that it had plenty of gas.  The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood and decided that everything was OK.The Software engineer said, "Why don't we all  roll the windows up, get out of the car, get back in the carand roll the windows down again then see if it starts?"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Stu
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 09:02 AM

I nominate myself. I am a complete and utter knob head and have been since birth.

It's me birthright so it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 09:09 AM

I think for some people Knobheadism is an improvement and a worthwhile goal.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 09:12 AM

""People with sherbet shoulders shouldn't go out in the rain""

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 09:52 AM

Some one left a cake out in the rain....

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 10:18 AM

"Repeaat after me: I wil not drop beard trimmings in the toastie sandwich maker"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 10:47 AM

I love to join all sorts of things. I'd be thrilled to be nominated a Knobhead. Please can I be a member? Or, if not completely eligible, perhaps a Dickhead (junior cadet) would be allowed?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:03 AM

Eluza,

PM

To be considered for membership, it is essential that you quote this secret number: 50007674598, at regular intervals throughout the day for one week from today. You will be contacted following this, as to the status of your requested membership.

NOTE: confidential material. This message is intended for the eyes of Eliza, only. (This message is not from Ed T, but from a guest, disguised as Ed T)

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:03 AM

Eliza, hows about we make you a Probationary Foreskin and if you're not up to scratch you'll be excised.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:05 AM

Pmmm

Eliza, your temporary code name for membership consideration, is Eluza

not Ed T

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:24 AM

"In the event of an emergency, a pair of mauve mens lycra tights will fall from the locker above your head. Please place them on your head and continue to breathe as normal"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:36 AM

Sorry, Eliza. You are too sensible.

Ed, are the tights mauve or are the men mauve? You are getting closer.

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:51 AM

If there is to be a club, I suppose there should be a leader/president... whatever.... sort of a 'head knobhead'. We need a committee to ascertain good candidates....knobhead head-hunters. That committee will need a chairman, a head knobhead head-hunter. I suggest they get up a head of steam and head for the head, which is as good a place as any to locate appropriate candidates.. and give us a heads-up (interpret away!) when they locate one.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 11:55 AM

Where is this heading?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 12:18 PM

"I'd like to apologise to everyone here for being in such an odd mood for the past 63 and a half years. I'd like to state that this is likely to continue"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 12:27 PM

"We must defend those in the less endowed club from potential attack from the evil "Big Mick's- Big Pricks" bragade, who are known to stalk the threads of mudcatville." 

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 12:59 PM

Bill D... the position of Gnomeknob was established in the sixth verse of The Thread of Knob. I quote, in part :

"... I AM the editor." Dave the Gnome, 04 Apr 14 - 06:02 PM

So mote it be.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 01:35 PM

I'm absolutely thrilled to be considered as a Probationary Foreskin. Just hope I'm not circumcised if I fail to come up to scratch. I already have a pair of mauve men's tights on my head (Spring wear for April) so I'm ready for anything. The mauve men presented them to me many years ago, when they decided to wear socks instead. Yours in anticipation, Eluza xxx

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 02:05 PM

Membership question 89 A:

What's the difference between "who" and "whom"? -provide examples.
 
(Two classic examples to draw from: "who farted?" and "on whom did I fart?") - the two preceding quotes are, regretfully, unrelated.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 02:13 PM

Who the fuck is whom?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 02:16 PM

It' a trick question gnu. It's the person wh farted on you, whether you knew it or not.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 02:19 PM

It seems there is nary a spot for incomplete knobheads. Why such blatant discrimination against that singular group? Whom decided this I ask?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Stu in the electron cloud
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:17 PM

"Who the fuck is whom?

Or whom the fuck is who?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:27 PM

Or whom the fuck depends on your orientation , and a few other unrelated factors.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:31 PM

"What's even more worrying is when you're half-listening to someone else's conversation and you suddenly overhear the phrase "edible undergarments"...

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:32 PM

Thought some of you might enjoy this. Tripped over it on the www.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
You mean to whom!

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:36 PM

I reserve the right to adjust the language as I see fit. I do this to teach balance and coordination and bleurblelurgh.I do say real things sometimes. Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

I'm good at talking.

Has anyone noticed that some girls never shut up?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:40 PM

What?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:49 PM

"What?
No, I won't do that.
Not for all the sheep in Wales".

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:56 PM

What do you call a Welsh goat farmer?

Bisexual...

Sorry.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 04:05 PM

""Excuse me, can I have my raised eyebrow back, please?""

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 05:18 PM

One night down at The Last Saloon
A guy named Who met a gal named Whom.
Whom and Who, whom we've not met,
Well--Whom we did but not Who yet--
Were married and their wedding vows
Appended thus both then and now.

I am Who who Whom hath married;
I am Whom who Who hath wed;
We are they who think you knobheads
Outta let us get to bed.

The End

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 06:10 PM

"what normal person would keep 16 invisible goats on their balcony?"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 07:06 PM

Can we have a celebration in Knobkerrie?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 01:17 AM

I gave a rather austere dissertation on another ongoing thread which deserves recitation herein...

Shhhh

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 05:51 AM

Isn't a knobkerrie a sort of war club? I don't want this club to become a war club thank you!

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:01 AM

I have a preconceived mental image of gnomes carrying such weapons.



Or is that dwarfs?

As Gimli said, "No chance of success, high certainty of death, what are we waiting for?"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:05 AM

Should there be a ladies team?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:41 AM

The last of the Knobettes left a short while back. None of the ladies presently herein could make the team.

Greatest Gnomeknob... could I at least be on the cheerleading squad? Just being in the fan club sucks. They let anybody with $500 in fer gosh sake! Hmmmm...

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:48 AM

"The dwarves are exceedingly strong for their height, but most of these were strong even for dwarves. In battle the wielded heavy two-handed mattocks..."

The Hobbit. The clouds burst.

So there you have it. Dwarves wave their mattocks about. Not their knobs. And don't let old JRR see you using the word dwarfs :-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Will Fly
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:53 AM

I'm not joining.

I wouldn't be a member of any club that would have my knob as a member.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:54 AM

"Tip of the day: don't try to put on a coat when it still has all the buttons done up.

Should Russians be allowed into the knobhead club, because they're lonely and they've got big guns (even when they don't work)."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 06:56 AM

"All discussion prior to morning coffee, is senseless gibberish"

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 07:06 AM

I wouldn't be a member of any club that would have my knob as a member.

I wouldn't be a member of any club that wouldn't have my knob as a member. We tend towards the inseparable, my knob and I.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 07:44 AM

We tend towards the inseparable, my knob and I.

What a brilliant song title! Rather like "When I'm in love, I just can't shit".

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 07:58 AM

"When I'm in love, I just can't shit".

Mudcat bound?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 08:01 AM

"A shit flinger is one whom takes it upon themselves to fling shit at an object, person or just for the sake of it. Shit flinging originated it Croydon, England when a mental patient started the trend by flinging some shit at a nearby lamp post."

.'Wow did you see how far that shit went? That guys a real ace shit flinger.'

Urban dictionary

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 08:13 AM

"The Scots have done things to sheep that no other people would do. Disgusting.

They made haggis out of 'em."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 08:27 AM

Adge Cutler wrote the wonderful song, The Champion Dung Spreader.

Dave, I toyed with dwarves but dwarfs looked better. Not being an ex Leeds Prof of medieval literature I shall bow to old JRR and your good Gnomish self.

The only song from Middle Earth I sing is The Song of the Ents. No dwarves, dwarfs or gnomes in that.

Or hobbits.

Or even elves.

Although the elves wrote it.

To this day I don't know who came up with the tune, I have been singing it for 35 years or so. A late friend sang it and I took it up following his untimely demise.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Stu
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 08:37 AM

That'd be dwarrows then.

"Little dwarrows in your clothing
little dwarrows in your hair
little dwarrows up yer nostrils
little dwarrows everywhere."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 08:45 AM

phrenology and the knobhead 

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 09:04 AM

."A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 10:04 AM

Is the Complete Knobhead Club associated with any other organizations? (I was thinking about the TMTAIDHTPTIABIIDWT Society and others of that ilk.)

What is the Club's official name?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 10:23 AM

Actually, I have just been reading some of the other threads and I think there is only one person who really belongs in here. And no-one else would want to be in the same club. There are some wannabees but they occasionally show some modicum of sense. By that token I herewith wind up the CKC. Guest above, I was thinking of Komplete Knobhead Klub but someone else has used that acronym. All assets are to be returned to their donors. If anyone wishes to take the reigns. Be my guest.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 11:09 AM

Maybe a thread to commemorate the demise of the CKC?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 11:17 AM

We need a folksong bewailing the good old knobhead days. Things nowadays just aren't quite the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 11:44 AM

Here's a folksong bewailing
The old Knobhead Club failing
Nowadays it ain't the same
The trolls herein ain't got game

Carry on a tune with that?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 11:47 AM

Hah! Gives rise to a whole lot of potential songs for the Club Repertoire.

My Old Man's A Knobhead.
Like a Rhinestone Knobhead
O Knobs of Scotland
Wichita Knobhead

There must be others...

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 01:30 PM

The Cutty Dong (said Moulder to Minor)
Greenknobs (sorry Henry VIII but you did have one)
Knobheading Town (Nottamun)

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 04:36 PM

"If anyone wishes to take the reigns.."

Become king?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 14 - 04:41 PM

Whoops - Sorry. Did you know there are three way to spell rain, er reign, er rein...

Difficult sentence to write! Glad you knew what I meant better than my spull chickker anyway :-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 09:24 AM

You are wright, rite, right about that.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 09:37 AM

Okey, (I resist the tempation to call you dokey).

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Triplane
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 04:29 PM

I hate to raise a seious point of order
but will members with hoods be allowed to attend glans gatherings.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 04:41 PM

"I hate to raise a seious point of order"

I for one appreciate that.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 06:48 PM

I'd like to order a pint!

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 07:17 PM

We are pleased to quote a price of £32000 (excluding VAT). Delivery in 6 months.
Please pay on acceptance of quote to my account at the Union Bank of Nigeria.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 07:38 PM

Is it a vegetarian, pet free, smokd free club?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 07:43 PM

Will it accept members pre-cleared through the Women's Institute?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 08:42 PM

Dear Mr EdT
Of course it is. We cannot afford to encourage our Chinese production staff with unobjective meat rations, lest it inflame their senses and encourage independent thinking. And of course it is pot-free, we encourage the use of opium.
And lest anyone get the right idea, the Staff is just an overgrown Club. It is usually divided in four so we have the appropriate number of quarter staffs. Or for musicians around here, SATB staves.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 08:51 PM

The Association of the Dead

This club, known as Uttar Pradesh Mritak Sangh, is not one you want to join. The only people allowed to be a part of it are those in a province of India who have been declared dead… when they are still alive. And not like they were on life support and almost didn't make it alive. These club members haven't been sick or injured or anything like that. They have simply been declared dead through forged letters and documents so other people can steal their lands. This has happened to thousands of people in the area over the last 40 years and still goes on today.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Apr 14 - 09:52 PM

If you have those little toothpicks with the cellophane streamers holding each of the quarters of the club along with crispy bacon and tender fresh roast turkey, then I whole heartedly support it.

I can simply pick the bits knobhead off of it and leave those on my plate.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 07:55 AM

Bananas are naturally slightly radioactive, more so than most other fruits, because of their potassium content and the small amounts of the isotope potassium-40 found in naturally occurring potassium.The banana equivalent dose of radiation is sometimes used in nuclear communication to compare radiation levels and exposures.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Teribus
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 08:13 AM

Nothing compared to Brazil Nuts (1000 times more radioactive than any other food)

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Stu
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 08:25 AM

"Nothing compared to Brazil Nuts (1000 times more radioactive than any other food)"

Only Brazilian ones, which contain trace amounts of uranium. Ones grown elsewhere aren't.

It's always wise to check your nuts.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 08:29 AM

They aren't nuts, are they? I thought they were the kernel.

Or I've been watching QI on Dave channel again...

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 08:30 AM

100


Back of the net

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 08:41 AM

""Depending on where they are grown, —one ounce of Brazil nuts may contain as much as 10 times the Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) recommendation for selenium intake. The Food and Nutrition Board of the National Academy of Sciences has set the Tolerable Upper Intake Level (UL) of selenium intake at 400 mcg per day

""

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:32 AM

How radioactive is a Chernobyl Squirrel?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:43 AM

They are not allowed membership, (say no more).

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:44 AM

Don't wear Ukrainian underpants!

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:45 AM

squirrel sounds 

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:59 AM

It's got a nice beat and it's easy to dance to. I'll give it a ninety-five.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 06:49 PM

Matthew Hogg's body produces its own alcohol....

sign him up 

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 08 Apr 14 - 09:39 PM

Did he eats the brewer's yeast or... you know...

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 14 - 02:44 PM

What's the official breakfast served at conventions? Pancakes and sausages?... I hope. With maple slurpup, of course. Goes without sayin, eh?

When is the next Knobbrekky? I am felling peckish.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 14 - 05:46 PM

Sausage butty - Colloquially known as pigs dick in lettuce.

D.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 14 - 06:40 PM

Lettuce? Sounds healthy to me. How am I suppose to put in a hard day's work at sitting my ass at the keyboard on lettuce? I need sustenance. Sausages for my arteries, maple slurpup for my pancreas (why is that plural? is there a spare?), eggs for my cholesterol, bananas for my irradiation... I need REAL food. Otherwise, my days at trying to become a true and worthy Knobhead seem... sigh... unattainable.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 09 Apr 14 - 06:43 PM

And crumpets, dripping with butter. Essential for tip-top efficiency.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ebbie
Date: 09 Apr 14 - 08:36 PM

I just looked up 'crumpet'. According to Wiki, the English type, as compared with the Scottish type, greatly resembles what we in the US call English muffins. The Scots, on the other hand, seem to like cooked on-one-side pancakes that they also call crumpets.

Is this right?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 02:54 AM

No, there's nowt fried in there, and less than 2000 calories. Can't be Scottish.

For those on the far side of the ditch, crumpet has vital statistics 36F 26 36, five foot eight, blonde hair.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:06 AM

Crumpets or pikelets as they are known on some areas have lots of bicarbonate of soda in the pancake mix and rise when baked with long bubbles running through them to give a spotty top appearance.

As Eliza notes, this makes them a sponge for butter. I was brought up on them and we occasionally buy them still.

Crumpet in the singular is also British and is referenced mainly in old Carry On films.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 05:57 AM

Now, muffins come in 2 types. Spongy, sweet, cakey things covered in sticky, sugary icing, in a paper case. Ugh. Not on my agenda at all.
And... delicious, savoury, bread-like, flat, crusty things you toast and smother in butter. Yes!
Now, crumpets also come in 2 types. A fatless but very calorific flat bready thing with holes in the top (as described so well above) which one eats dripping in high-cholesterol (and who cares, so what?) butter.
And... A rather tasty young lady with large Bristols, curvy hips and long blond hair. I eat lots of the former, but sadly, I'm not and never have resembled the latter.
And cholesterol (as scientists are now admitting, the fools) never did me or anyone else any harm!!
After this boring and endless crumpet lecture, do I now qualify for my Knobhead Badge please? (Is it in the form of a Knob or what??)

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 06:20 AM

And, then there are muffin tops, and here's a toast to all of 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 06:23 AM

"Today's muffin top and spandex parade was brought to you by the good patrons of Wal-Mart."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 06:23 AM

Just a knob of butter, Eliza :-) But whoever said a crumpet and a pikelet were the same thing is edging onto the list...

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 11:08 AM

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Pikelet may refer to:
Pikelet, a regional type of crumpet
Pikelet, a type of pancake found in Australia and New Zealand
Pikelet, stage name of Australian musician Evelyn Morris
Pikelet, a North Staffordshire delicacy. A thicker form of oatcake with raisins added.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 11:11 AM

As a lad we had pikelets. I live 50 miles away from there now and we buy the same things but they are called crumpets.

So that'll be me then Dave. There again my uncle used to tell me they were funny buggers on the wrong side of The Pennines.

I can't recall what they called them at my Aunty's boarding house in Blackpool. Possibly called them optional extras.....

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 11:47 AM

Complete knob of butter head club?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 01:45 PM

Scotch pancakes (griddle cakes) on the other hand, are made from a drop of batter (flour, egg and milk) cooked on a griddle or hot pan, turned until brown on both sides, and spread with...yes!
I'd love a knob of butter Dave, thank you.
This seems to have drifted a bit from The Complete Knobheads' Club.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 02:10 PM

If the TCKC is defunkified, can The Complete Knucklehead Club use the acronym? I am not just a reader, I am a member... of longstanding.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: olddude
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:08 PM

Forgiveness starts when one realizes the other guy is bat shit crazy

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:18 PM

Will the knobhead club house have a day care attached? After all, knobhead women deserve a night out without the kids at their sides.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:29 PM

the wrong side of The Pennines. As a Lancastrian now living in North Yorkshire I don't know which bit of me is insulted!

And they never had crumpets in Blackpool boarding hoses in my day. Warburtons thick toastie, blackened under a gas grill and spread with greasy marge was the closest :-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:38 PM

Blackpool boarding houses... where the landladies insisted you didn't put the po under the bed, as the steam from the wee rusted the springs.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:46 PM

While it is not the intended purpose of an knobhead club to attract weirdness, there seems to be plenty of it milling about?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 03:52 PM

"Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone." 
― Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 14 - 05:02 PM

And they never had crumpets in Blackpool boarding hoses in my day. Warburtons thick toastie, blackened under a gas grill and spread with greasy marge was the closest :-)

Aye but we were snobs. None o' yer Blackpool for us. A week in August, same place every year, Mrs Flannelfoot's Guest House in Cleveleys, it was. Pissed down and blew a gale every time but it was just right for sending all your enemies postcards telling 'em you wished they were here. If you could spend one afternoon huddled against the wind behind the breakwater, you put "lovely weather" on the cards. Aye, Warburton's Toastie Loaf wi' Stork every day. 'Ome from 'ome it were.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 12:42 AM

Gnu and Ed, What are these alien creatures? They seem to know our words but not our language?

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 01:58 AM

Aye but me Aunty Chrissie's boarding house on Lord St was upper crust when it came to bread. Hovis for brown, Mother's Pride for white. She were proud o' that.

The gong went every morning at 8.30 for breakfast. 6.00 for tea. (You could have a 5.30 sitting if you had tickets for a show. Danny La Rue supported by Lovelace Watkins.

Now. There's a thing....



Funnily enough I was in Blackpool the other week. Stayed at The Carlton. Not a patch on Aunty Chrissie's. (A real Aunty rather than the old habit of referring to parents' friends as such. Me Dad's cousin.)

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 02:57 AM

They seem to know our words but not our language

Jack, WTF are you on about? What is this language called? I'll tell you, English. Why? Because it is from England. Now, what were you saying about your language?

You have just gone one step up in the membership stakes.

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 03:11 AM

We've been waiting for weeks for a blooming meerkat toy after buying insurance with comparethemarket.com. It's Oleg the baby with his 'grub', and our neighbours' little ones are desperate to get it. Now I'm waiting desperately for my Knob badge. Will it be life size or larger? Will our lovely village postman bring it and want a signature? (Contents - 1 Knob. Sign here please...) If so, it'll be all over the village in no time. "She had a knob delivered you know. Always thought she was a bit strange."

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 03:27 AM

The original source of English may have been from England. But, improvements, made for international useage, (versus local flavour) and exclusions of redundancies, has been from North America. A case in point is more people, globally, use the "North America improved English, versus the former dominant olde England version (a comparison would be an early version of microsoft word, versus the newest version).
:)

It is much like the automobile, which few would argue that has more of an original source from the USA. However,most of the improvements, which define todays auto, are not from the USA.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 04:52 AM

I'd certainly agree with regard to cars, or automobiles in that multi syllable word that you reckons improves on proper English :-)

When I rent a car in The States or Canada, I am frankly surprised that such quality, even from some manufacturers who make a European version, is accepted. Ford could never get away with the quality of the dash plastics or shut lines on the body work if they tried to sell it here. The likes of Chrysler do try, but are seen as a cheap quality alternative, and tend to be priced accordingly.

Someone once pt forward a reason for this in a car magazine. They said that post war, car ownership took off much faster in The USA as we were all skint. This meant that buying a UK car was an event, an addition to the family whilst it fast became a more commodity item in The States, hence the expectation of quality.

Although the '70s were the nadir of British car quality, they still thought we wanted wooden dashboards and nice smelling leather...

A friend bought a brand new Mustang not that long ago and had it shipped over. It had a live rear axle.... We stopped doing them in 1974, when the Cortina went to MkIV. One of my favourite Top Gear car tests was of an American car that had been released over here. Richard Hammond, reviewing it took it on the A15 between Lincoln and Scunthorpe on account of it being the longest straight road we have with no bends....



By the way, there is no North American improved English that made it global on merit. You almost got there when you mentioned Microsoft. American software ruled the commercial grab hence the American take up. I even see things written by younger people at the 'uni written in American. Thats when the students realise this assessor is a pedant of the first order....

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 05:48 AM

I don't mind improvements, Ed, but a lot of changes are not, to my mind, improvements. Why change, as Musket says, car to automobile? Others include pavement to sidewalk, pram to bay carriage and, for some inexplicable reason, tap to faucet!

Still,I actually have no bone to pick about the actual usage and fully understand that American English is just another dialect, like Geordie but harder to understand :-) I am taking exception to Jack's bold statement that English is 'our language'.

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 05:53 AM

"U.K. regional dialects , such as Scots, Irish, Welsh, and Northern English are hard for foreigners to understand (and Cockney is impossible). So don't speak like the BBC does these days :-)"

I was recently in the Dominican Republic on vacation. The hotel had a mix of Canadian, British and USA guests.

I overheard an amusing comment that a hotel employee made, that I overheard, while she was giving a brief lesson on speaking local spanish. She said, "most employees here speak some level of French, German, Spanish, Italian and English. If you speak English, we will understand you best if you speak in a American or Canadian style. If you are British, please speak more slowly, as our staff may have difficulty understanding you"

Following her presentation, I took her aside and cautioned that some British guests msy find this statement, though accurate, somewhat insensative . :)




English web content advice 

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 05:59 AM

I watched "Trainspotting" whilst in Santa Monica a few years ago. It made my day to see subtitles....

Bloody Scottish, always said nay bugger understands them.....

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Musket
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 06:00 AM

Cheese.

Thats another word that means something different in The USA and Canada than it does over here.





Trust me.....

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: gnu
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 06:18 AM

RIGHT! Give us yer lupins.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 06:26 AM

I can't test it because I am in an open plan office and don't have my earphones but Dennis Moore should give you plenty of lupins.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 06:34 AM

Don't let cheese bind you up.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 07:33 AM

Hey - There were 144 posts as at the last post. Does that make Ed a gross knobhead? (Sorry Ed - Had to be done :-) )

Shame I just spoiled it...

D.

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: olddude
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 10:02 PM

I don't speak English I speak mountain redneck

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Apr 14 - 10:34 PM

You folks will enjoy this piece of cod which passeth all understanding

Subject: RE: BS: Complete Knobhead club
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 12 Apr 14 - 02:19 AM

We'd noticed...