Songs and recitations from Benny Hill

Subject: Songs and recitations from Benny Hill
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 11:56 AM

These have been posted at Mudcat already:

MY GARDEN OF LOVE

GATHER IN THE MUSHROOMS

BROKEN HEARTED LOVERS' STEW

PEPYS' DIARY

HARVEST OF LOVE

I will be adding more to this thread.

Subject: RE: Songs and recitations from Benny Hill
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 04:34 PM

Good on you, Jim.
But the only two I've ever sung are already here. IMGoL and BHLS.

Subject: Lyr Add: ERNIE (THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 05:21 PM

You can hear this at YouTube:

ERNIE (THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST)
As recorded by Benny Hill, 1971.

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round,
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest.
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue.
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number twenty-two.
They said she was too good for him; she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times ev'ry week.

They called him Ernie (Ernie),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

She said she'd like to bathe in milk; he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night, he loaded up the cart.
He said: "D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best."
She says: "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest."

That tickled old Ernie (Ernie),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, a evil-looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington, and he drove the baker's van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned her head.

She nearly swooned at his macaroon, and he said: "Now If you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He knew once she sampled his layer cake, he'd have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie (Ernie),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

One lunch time, Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door.
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he leapt down from his van, hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his horse.

Whose name was Trigger (Trigger),
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold-top in his hand.
He said: "If you want to marry Susie, you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh, why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side."

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick; things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawb'ry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart,
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only fifty-two; he didn't want to die,
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky,
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.

But a woman's needs are manifold, and Sue she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold-tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie, (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Subject: RE: Songs and recitations from Benny Hill
From: Acorn4
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 06:33 PM

My favourite is "The Old Fiddler":-

"That's a stradivarius my man, that'll cost you four pound ten!"

Second favourite is "Jose's Cantina".

Unfortunately only got them on vinyl so can't post and don't seem to be anywhere on YouTube.

Subject: Lyr Add: THE OLD FIDDLER (Benny Hill)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 10:05 PM

THE OLD FIDDLER
As recorded by Benny Hill

'Twas market day in the village,
    and the crowds round the stalls was quite dense,
Though what caught my eye was a stall piled high
    with the musical instruments.

And up to the stall came a little old man;
    his clothes was all tattered and thin,
But his face come alight as his eyeballs caught sight
    of a beautiful old violin.

He held it up to the dealer,
    sayin': "How much is this one then?"
He replied: "That's a Stradivarius, my man;
    that'll cost you four pound ten."

"I can't afford that," sighed the little old man,
    and a lump come into my throat.
I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I stuffed
    in his hand a ten-shilling note.

A crowd had gathered behind us,
    so I quickly went round with his hat.
When I finished, I found I'd collected five pounds,
    so I took my ten shilling back.

Well, we give the dealer the money,
    and the old man so shabbily dressed
Picked up the violin, stuck it under his chin,
    and he played like a man possessed.

He played cantatas and fugues
    and ... and ... too,
By composers like Johann Sebastian Bach,
    to mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss, and Die Fliedermaus
    and Tales from the Vienna Wood,
Then Tchaikovsky's piano concerto,
    but he didn't play that quite so good.

"Well done," cried the crowd when he finished,
    and they gently patted his head,
But the excitement was too much for the little old man,
    who unfortunately fell down dead.

Well, we give the dealer his fiddle,
    and we took back our four pound ten,
Then we picked up the old man and we laid him to rest
    in the cemet'ry down by the glen,

But sometimes at night when the moon do shine bright,
    if I should happen to stray
Up over the hill, it seems that still
    I can hear the old man play.

Yes, the words of that popular song rings true,
    for though the old man is gone,
Yes, although the song is ended,
    the melody lingers on.

Subject: Lyr Add: JOSE'S CANTINA (Benny Hill)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 10:25 PM

JOSE'S CANTINA
As recorded by Benny Hill.

I met you in Jose's cantina.
Oh, you looked so lonesome and sad,
So I said with a wink: "Let me buy you a drink,
And then maybe things won't seem so bad."

You ordered a large champagne cocktail,
Then vodka then wine from the ...
And as I bought it, I suddenly thought it's
No wonder that you're on your own.

You took me across town to your place.
My eagerness I could not hide
As you walked cross the floor and you locked the front door.
Why did you leave me outside?

So I went to my uncle Hernando,
Saying: "My heart is filled with desire,
But the lady says no and all the waters that flow
From the mountains can't put out the fire."

He said: "When a lady says no,
She sometimes means yes, you young hothead."
I said: "That may be so, but she didn't say no.
She simply said: 'Go and get knotted.' "

So I came here and I sang 'neath your window
From midnight till gone half-past three.
Oh, tell me, sweet lady; sweet lady, pray tell me
What was it you emptied on me?

I hoped when I came to Marida,
That I'd find the love of my life,
And I gave you my heart, but we drifted apart,
So I'm going back to the wife.

Subject: RE: Songs and recitations from Benny Hill
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Aug 16 - 11:08 PM

Jose's Cantina, second verse. 'Wine from Verone...'

The Old Fiddler, seventh verse. 'He played cantatas and fugues (fewgyus) and oratorios (oriotorios) too,....'   A musical monologue in a working-class accent.

I keep thinking of digitising the B.H. LPs that I have, but it's such a tedious process.

Subject: RE: Songs and recitations from Benny Hill
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 15 Aug 16 - 04:14 AM

After several listens I'm hearing "Wine from the Rhone" in the second verse of Jose's Cantina (Or Joe's Caff as we'd say this side of the pond)

LFF