BS: On grief

Subject: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 06:51 PM

When I moved to my little town some fourty years ago, my wife and I met a couple Paul and Jan. After that meeting little did I know we would become life long friends. More family actually. Paul and Jan were never apart. Always together. Well two months ago my friend Paul had open heart surgery. He was fine, we joked about our scars. Two weeks later he fell asleep and passed away. Our hearts were broken.
We would visit Jan and make sure she was holding up. She was a strong woman who kept her grief inside but we knew she was hurting so.
Jan told me grief is great love, that no longer has an outlet.. How true is that

Today we buried Jan, she passed away last week from a heart attack.. She is now with her love.. Her kids are devastated but lots of friends and family around.
Linda and I lost our friends.. Grief is great love that no longer has an outlet

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 07:27 PM

Lovely, Dan. Thanks for that.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 07:38 PM

Her kids shared this journal entry today at her funeral

Grief

Those moments alone when suddenly and without warning the tears begin to flow

It's that lump in your throat that you hold back with every breath

Grief is the hollow empty feeling inside of your chest when the side of the bed no longer has the warmth

Grief is great love, that no longer has an outlet

Rest in peace my dear friends until we meet again.. Love you forever.. Dan

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 08:52 PM

I know, Dan. We buried my little sister in December.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: michaelr
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 09:32 PM

I got word the other day that the first woman I ever lived with had passed. We met in high school some 45 years ago and were together for three years or so. I loved her dearly but was too immature to make it last.

We drifted apart, but she reconnected with me a few years ago. We met up and discovered we still had lots in common. She and my wife got on wonderfully, as well. It was like we still knew each other, even though we'd had no contact for decades. It was lovely, a true connection.

The grief hasn't set in yet, but I'm sure it will.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 09:38 PM

Smiling just a bit, while tearing up just a bit, while reading this. Thanks, Dan.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: leeneia
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 10:02 PM

Thank you, Dan. A friend of mine has just lost his wife of many years, and you have helped me understand what he is undergoing.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: ranger1
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 11:17 PM

My brother's significant other's father died suddenly while snowmobiling (not an accident, medical reasons) last week. She is an only child and was very close to him. My heart is breaking for her loss at the moment, as I, too, lost my father suddenly nine years ago and I still remember the hurt.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 02:37 AM

Our dear departed Queen Mum put it succinctly.

"It doesn't get any better, you get better at it"

My father died when I was 9 months old and mother grieved for 35 years. Only about a year before she died did she relax truly.
Growing up with that grief more than "sort of" takes the edge off it.

Being close to someone and unable to effectively advise or help them has more of an impact, for me.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 04:06 AM

Lovely sentiments Dan and sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and all who loved your friends. If there is anything more practical I can do from the other side of the ocean, just name it.

Keep well my friend

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 04:30 AM

Thank you Dan for such a poignant and moving thread. I'm sorry for the loss of your dear friends.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 04:37 AM

Grief is so hard to bear, but is the truest expression of enduring love.
The pain will fade, though the loss never does.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 06:17 AM

That's rough,Dan. I lost my long time fishing buddy 6 years ago and I took it hard and miss him still, especially when I'm on the water but that grief eventually gave over to the warm glow of memory.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 10:21 PM

call me callous..

the dead are gone .. life is for the living..

we strive to survive...

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 10:35 PM

I apologise..

I'm not in a good state of mind..

thinking about loss and pent up grief is not..

i dont know.. its just not....

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 10:40 PM

My father died when I was 5 and my little sister was 53 days old -- construction accident. My maternal grandpa died 3 years later, my maternal grandmother 4 years later. My g-g-aunt, who helped bring us up, died 5 years after that. My mother died 32 years after my father. Between these various aunts, uncles, paternal grandparents and other kin died. Two years ago ALS got a cousin, another was killed when he fell into a sheet steel rolling machine. Since I was 5 I've lived with death. That in no way makes it easier.

(And no, we went to funerals whatever age we were, including my mather's. Our family did not shelter us.)

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 10:40 PM

Father's, not mather's.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 10:48 PM

WE are human and deal with it..

I despise the profiteering grief industry...

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 04 Mar 17 - 11:00 PM

If my wife dies before me I might find a way to end myself quickly afterwards..

or I might stay on and find a new woman...

My close relative nursed his wife though years of cancer
then failed to cope and blew his heart out with a sawn off shot gun...

my dad died a good quick unexpected death..

that's how i'd like to go..

if i die in my sleep I'd feel cheated...

i want to be wide awake.. no matter how painful.. I want to know I'm doing it...

sanctimonious god talk is not what we need...

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 03:40 AM

As I see it, this thread is about grief, and in particular Dan's grief.
And an exploration of what grief actually is, how it relates to love for the lost one and how one comes to terms with it.

I'm sure Dan is very sad at the moment, and misses his friends very much.

Perhaps it isn't kind to pooh-pooh sentiment and religion, to talk about one's own death or to mention the profiteering grief industry etc.

I think Dan needs our support and condolences.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: BobL
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 03:49 AM

I'm no wordsmith, but I'd like to try to pass on some thoughts I had on exploring the local churchyard many years ago, at a turbulent time in my life. The condition of the various graves, old and new, seemed to reflect my changing feelings.

The new graves were tidy and trimmed, with fresh flowers. Older graves had flowers planted or were grassed over, still neat but needing less attention. The oldest graves were neglected, overgrown with nettles, ivy and cow-parsley, but there was a feeling of peace about them which the others lacked. In the same way, new grief may be clear-cut and its pain sharp, but there comes a time when we can start to let go of it without feeling guilty, and we find peace only when we no longer need to nurse it.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 04:29 AM

Ah BobL, I've had exactly the same thoughts as you about the graveyard at our village church. It was built in the thirteenth century, and there are gravestones from Tudor, Georgian and Victorian times still standing, covered in moss, not looking neglected but somehow at peace. I find it strangely comforting.
My poor sister was widowed quite young, and left with two young babies. I feared she'd go out of her mind with grief. But over time she bravely soldiered on and found ways to come to terms with her loss. I think the old cliche of 'time being a great healer' is not far from the truth. Like those ancient graves in our churchyard, time softens and heals the raw pain of grief.
After losing members of my family, I found that remembering all the happy times, their contributions to my life and the fun etc helps enormously. Memories are very precious.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 03:23 PM

Mr. Red's experience varies from the majority of opinions here; my experience supports his actually. I know what he means about feeling powerless in the face of the chronic grief of someone you are close to. It is one thing to come to terms with one's own grief. But when it is an ongoing strain and struggle to accommodate the difficult emotions and responses of a close one, that is going to make a permanent impression on you and your life. I'm with you there.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 04:01 PM

As a student aged 17-20 I worked as a temporary auxiliary nurse in the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary for the three months of every summer vacation. I loved the job and coped with unpleasant events involving all sorts of mess and smelly stuff, but the one thing I couldn't handle was when Sister asked me to take tea into the relatives' room after a death on the ward. Their shock, devastation and grief was so moving that I couldn't be 'professional' or 'detached' and found myself in tears out of sympathy and compassion. Sister eventually wisely chose another nurse to do the teas for newly-bereaved relatives.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 08:57 PM

Tom (Curmudgeon) has been gone a bit over three years. Last Tuesday I had a "grief day". They hit mostly unexpectedly and are a lot more widely spaced now than they were in the past. At least this time I recognized it early and leaned into it, embracing it. A couple times I haven't recognized what it was until the day was almost over. It was a good day, quiet and reflective.

Grief never goes away. Nor would I want it to. But the sharp edges have softened.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 03:26 AM

I'm sorry for your loss Linn, but glad that time is beginning to soften the edges of your grief.
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 09:48 AM

It's the sudden losses that are always the hardest for me. Things left unsaid like when my dad was killed in an auto accident. The loss of two best friends within three months is hard
. Six months ago I lost my fishing friend but he and Ikknew it was coming. We laughed, talked and fished and fished. When he passed it was hard but no time was ever wasted or ignored. When a loss is sudden, unexpected.. We realize how important it is to treasure every moment with others we care about.. There no time for good bye

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 02:08 PM

Olddude, those photos from your daughter's wedding when she says goodbye to her Labrador retriever come to mind...her bridesmaid's face all crumpled up holding back the sobs.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 03:41 PM

My mother died ten days after my husband. In the eight months before Tom died, we'd lost 8 friends or spouses of friends. After Tom died, I lost a friend or a relative every month (on average -- had a couple death-free months and a couple months where two people died) for well over a year.

I'd say I was in bereavement overload, but...mostly I was mourning Tom (Mudcat's Curmudgeon. And mostly I was kept too busy to spend a lot of time on that. I had the two Press Room sessions (weekly trad and monthly sea music) to maintain and run. And I didn't plan Tom's memorial gathering until after the holidays. (My mother's funeral -- 1500 miles away -- was a week and a half before Christmas and another dear friend died on Christmas Day.)

I didn't REALLY have a chance to just have some quiet, reflective, mourning time until after Tom's memorial gathering.

It's been an interesting journey...and I've been writing a lot about it. Everyone's grief is different and there's no one right way to experience grief. I took one very interesting 6-week grief group...and also one a year later that was a complete disappointment and waste of time. I have a large network of friends who are widows -- a number of them here at Mudcat. I find it helps to talk about it all with others who have gone through the same thing.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 05:17 PM

Linn. In my prayers my friend

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 05:28 PM

Keber, Paul my friend that passed Jan husband
Was ggoing to
Be the judge performing the ceremony

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 06:22 PM

just this evening heard the news of the death of Derek Brimstone.

he was my mentor, my greatest influence as a performer as a folksinger.

for years he made folk music accessible to people who wouldn't have believed they had been enjoying folk music. i knew his work for about five years before i understood the greatness of this achievement. i am actually sorry for the folksingers who never grasped this essential truth. when po-faced appreciation starts - real folk music stops.

i am still stunned. i knew he was old of course. i would never have believed he would die with me owing him a couple of calls.

i will strive in future to avoid stale unprofitable squabbles, and concentrate on what is positive and good in human relationships.

i was blessed in knowing a creative giant.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 12:24 PM

..many apologies for being such an uncontrolled dick Saturday night/Sunday morning...

That litre bottle of navy rum helped relieve a few weeks of heaped up family stresses..
but I neglected to barricade my computer room door sufficiently to keep me away from the keyboard... 😳

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 12:45 PM

Goodness me punkfolkrocker, did you drink a whole LITRE of rum??! You must have the constitution of an ox! I like to put some dark rum (Captain Morgan) in our Christmas cake and rich fruit cakes. It always gives a lovely fruity flavour. I also soak the dried fruit in rum and brandy before adding it all to the cake mix.

Hope your family stresses are getting sorted now.

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 01:01 PM

Nah.. the wife had a glass or two..

We got through the litre of dark Capn Morgans and three litres of coke
whilst watching 2 gormless comedy movies and a laughable bad thriller [Idris Elba should known better...]to cheer us up..

then the wife went to bed and left me with the rest of the bottle
at approx 2 am while I was still stoked up on all that sugar and caffeine.. 😬

btw.. the usual family stuff.. elderly mum's dementia and the complications with bills and public utilities that arise
because I don't have full power of attorney yet..
and additional family politics from cousins who seem to feel i don't feel guilty enough for not doing even more to be seen to be helping...

families.. well I'm the oldest surviving male.. and that blood line ends with me...

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 01:44 PM

..oops.. my mistake.. no not Captain Morgan's.. we only drank that over xmas to get the really good free promotion glass tankards..

I meant.. LAMB's Navy Rum.. and I'll explain why that matters..

I'm 58, I state that because no man I knew and bonded with in my family ever lived to see 70.
All taken by massive sudden heart attacks in their 60s.
[even my only sibling, a younger sister, taken by heart failure aged 49]

.. except for my great grandad.. a 1st world war veteran, he lived to see 90.
According to family lore, he was so tough he stitched together his own wounds...

He was a small quiet unobtrusive old chap.
He died when I was about six or 7 and I saw him most days.
His only luxury was a bottle of Lamb's Navy Rum, which the family clubbed together to by him each week..
He put his longevity down to a tot of navy rum every day.
Who knows how many years he might still had left in him if he hadn't fallen over and broke his hip...

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: olddude
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 01:47 PM

Jack daniels for me punky.. I save a glass for ya

Subject: RE: BS: On grief
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 02:07 PM

Ah, my grandfather survived WW1 and lived to the age of 86. He swore by Newcastle brown ale and smoked about fifty (unfiltered) Woodbines a day. He was a Geordie and as tough as old boots. I could hardly understand a word he said. That was a very strong and sturdy generation wasn't it?