Subject: THE DAY THEY CAME FOR MUDCAT
From:
Peter T.
Date: 06 Jan 00 - 10:57 AM
THE DAY THEY CAME FOR MUDCAT
(A play in one act, apologies to Joseph Heller)
[Large white vans screech to a halt in a circle around the Mudcat. A weary official in a white coat comes forward followed by a team of white coated assistants carrying butterfly nets discretely behind their backs. A desk appears on the porch.]
OFFICIAL: All right, everyone line up please! Line up, that means in a line, not a circle. God, this is getting off to a good start. O.K. Who's first? You -- name?
JOE OFFER: Joe Offer [for it is he].
OFFICIAL: All right, what do you do around here?
JOE: Well, I help people with their HTML problems, teach them how to cope with the Internet, clean up problems, contribute generally --
OFFICIAL: Fine. And how much do they pay you for this?
JOE: Err, well, I just sort of do it for the love of it.
OFFICIAL: Right. How much time does it take?
JOE: You mean every day, or from when I started 3-4 years ago?
OFFICIAL: Charley, the NET!!!! [Net goes over Joe, drags him off] Next! Name?
DICK AND SUSAN: Dick and Susan [for it is they].
OFFICIAL: Now you look like sensible people. What do you do around here?
DICK AND SUSAN: Well, we run the Digital Tradition. We put thousands of folk songs and other songs on the Internet for people to use.
OFFICIAL: Now we are talking! Internet Product! How much do you charge per person per request on an hourly basis, let's say?
DICK AND SUSAN: Err, it's all free.
OFFICIAL: Excuse me?
DICK AND SUSAN: Well, you see, it is sort of a community thing. People love the songs, and they contribute new material, and we put it all together and give it away.
OFFICIAL: Look you wackos, we are talking the Internet here. People are turning over companies on an hourly basis, pro-rating them for content in your demographic, and generating huge share price increases. What have you got?
DICK AND SUSAN: We have 3 (or is it 4?) versions of Carrickfergus, or the Water is Wide, which is an earlier variant, of course --
OFFICIAL: CHARLEY!!! THE NET!!! [Drags them away]. Folk music. Has no one told these people???? This is so over. Next!!!
KATLAUGHING: Katlaughing.
OFFICIAL: What the hell kind of name is that?
KATLAUGHING: It's my name.
OFFICIAL: O.K., O.K.
KATLAUGHING: Just so you don't try any patriarchal crap with me, I will tell you what I do. I post creative thoughts, wise words, and run a healing circle.
OFFICIAL: A HEALING CIRCLE?
KATLAUGHING: We link good thoughts over the computer for people who are in trouble.
OFFICIAL: That is the nuttiest thing I have ever heard, even nuttier than those two fruitcakes I had here a minute ago.
KATLAUGHING: We aren't sure how or if it works, but we beam prayers and healing light jointly. It may be a fluctuation in the ether, or something.
OFFICIAL: WHAT?
KATLAUGHING: Well, I don't know. For example, you must have some troubles.
OFFICIAL: Well, sure. My wife and I are both working all the time, and our kids have started getting into real problems, and I am really worr -- Hey, what the hell are you trying to pull??? You are even more dangerous than the rest of these flakes. Charley!!!!!!!!! [Net drags katlaughing away]. God, what a zoo. Next!!! Oh Jesus!!!!!
CATSPAW: Hi, Mister Official, would you like to have a toot on this ocarina shaped like a possum???
OFFICIAL: CHARLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Net drags catspaw away swiftly]. Next!!!
BBC: We would like a picture of you, since this qualifies as a Mudcat event!
OFFICIAL: NET!!!! [Net drags bbc away, snapping pictures] Next! Who are you?
LEJ: My name is LEJ. I run the Tavern here.
OFFICIAL: At last, someone in retail. Tell me more.
LEJ: We have a tavern here, open most of the time, except for when bbc is occupied like now being as you have just taken her away, but anyway, we offer all sorts of refreshments and entertainment, we have special theme nights, a jello wrestling pool, a velcro wall of death, the usual.
OFFICIAL: Well, everyone to their taste. Can I see this tavern?
LEJ: Well, not exactly, as it is virtual.
OFFICIAL: Excuse me?
LEJ: It is sort of a common conspiracy. An agreed upon delusion.
OFFICIAL: YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T EXIST?
LEJ: Well, no. Or yes.
OFFICIAL: NET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Lej is dragged away]. Christ, we are going to be here all day.
ANNAP: Today is good. But what are you doing on the 14th?
OFFICIAL: Who are you, and what do you do?
ANNAP: Annap. I am the official Mudcat party convenor for New Jersey.
OFFICIAL: Explain.
ANNAP: Oh I just invite people I have never met, anywhere in the world, and welcome them into my house to have a good time.
OFFICIAL: NET!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Annap is dragged away] Next!!! Well. Here is a fine upstanding young person. What is your name son, and what are you doing among these crackpots?
MBO: I am looking for the ring of power. If it falls into the wrong hands, a new veil of darkness will cover the world, and I might run out of quotes.....
OFFICIAL: NET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Mbo is dragged away] Next!! And who are you, and what do you do?
NIGHTOWL: I am Nightowl, and I am in music therapy.
OFFICIAL: Is that like that ridiculous healing circle?
NIGHTOWL: A bit. You see we have many people here who take their music into hospitals, old folks homes, and places where hope is needed, and try to use music to help these people or to make their lives more joyful.
OFFICIAL: Do you have any scientific evidence that any of this is of any practical value at all?
NIGHTOWL: Well, there are studies. But really, you can just tell.
OFFICIAL: In what scientific way can you "just tell"?
NIGHTOWL: I don't know how scientific it is, but when it works, you get this feeling in your chest, your heart just gets bigger knowing that you have brought some music into people's lives.
OFFICIAL: BIG NET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Nightowl is dragged away]. Next! Who are you?
RICK FIELDING: Rick. I am a teacher, unofficial therapist, and a professional entertainer.
OFFICIAL: You seem somewhat more level headed than many of these wackos.
RICK FIELDING: Well, I do strive for honesty. And as a craftsman, I have an abiding fascination for old instruments.
OFFICIAL: Oh yes, how interesting.
RICK FIELDING: For example, did you ever see the Pink Panther movie where Peter Sellers and Elke Sommer go into a nudist colony?
OFFICIAL: Um, yes.
RICK FIELDING: Do you recall Elke Sommer in the nude, barely hiding herself behind a guitar?
OFFICIAL: YES.
RICK FIELDING: Well, the guitar was a Martin D-18, first produced in 1948, with --
OFFICIAL: STOP!!! Are you trying to tell me that you were watching Elke Sommer in the nude, and all you can remember is the guitar she was wearing????
RICK FIELDING: Well, yes, of course.
OFFICIAL: YOU ARE THE CRAZIEST OF THEM ALL!!!!!! BRING OUT THE FISHNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Rick is dragged off]. Where the hell is the leader of this Looneytunery?
MAX: I guess that would be me.
OFFICIAL: And you are?
MAX: MAX.
OFFICIAL: You run this place.
MAX: Well, yes, I sort of hold it together.
OFFICIAL: It is a thriving Internet site.
MAX: Oh yes, thousands of hits. All the time.
OFFICIAL: And how much time and effort have you invested in this place?
MAX: I couldn't say. If you totalled it up, it would probably be about a year of normal person's time since I started.
OFFICIAL: Let me see if I get this straight. You are a young computer software designer. You have an Internet site that is one of the cleanest and best run in the world, with thousands of people checking in all the time. This has to mean that you are fairly close to being a billionaire, is that right?
MAX: Not exactly.
OFFICIAL: THEN YOU ARE EVEN CRAZIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS PLACE INCLUDING THE ELKE SOMMER GUY AND THE FRUITCAKES!!
MAX: Crazier than Bert?
OFFICAL: Who?
MAX: Well, I can't be crazier than Allan. Or Neil. Or there are these guys in England, Bill, Sam. Oh, yes, and there are some really wild Australians. You want crazy? Have I told you about the conversations in Icelandic? Do you know where the hokey-pokey came from? How about Banjo Bonnie?
OFFICIAL: PUT THEM ALL AWAY, INTO THE VANS, THIS PLACE IS CLOSED DOWN!!!!!!
[The Mudcatters are hauled into the padded vans. The head of the van drivers comes towards the Official.]
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Excuse me.
OFFICIAL: Yes?
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: One of our drivers, the one with the mustache, wants to know if he can perch the possum on the front of his van.
OFFICIAL: What? Of course not.
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Brother Swan will be unhappy to hear that. The other van driver, Brother Seed, is prepared to go on sympathy strike, as is Sister Jeri, and Brother Kendall.
OFFICIAL: By whose authority?
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Mine.
OFFICIAL: And who the hell are you?
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Mick is the name, organizing's the game, as well as pining after the fair alison and cross-dressing. I'm the vice-president of the Lunatic Van Drivers Union.
OFFICIAL: And what if I say no?
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Well, you can talk to the president of the Union, but it won't do you any good.
OFFICIAL: Why not?
HEAD OF THE VAN DRIVERS: Because he is really crazy. You may have heard of him. Thieme is his name. Art Thieme.
OFFICIAL: You're all crazy, everyone is crazy, EXCEPT ME!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!(Runs off into the darkness shrieking).
(Brief silence.)
RICK FIELDING: Anyone want to learn how to play butterfly net?
(Curtain falls)
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