A musical joke

Subject: A musical joke
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 09:24 AM

D G and A and his friend D F and A go into a pub. The Landlord say "Sorry, I am not serving you. You are both suspended!"

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 09:26 AM

Tightrope walkers always have their music played in C# or Bb.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 10:00 AM

(Note to wife): Gone to the supermarket with my Chopin Liszt. Bach in a fugue minuets...

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 10:01 AM

This thread would not be complete without:

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal pit?

A flat miner.

Robin

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 10:40 AM

Steve, I once had a pad of Chopin Listz & laminated one page to use as a bookmark!

Some years back I gave a wooden mobile (cell) phone stand to a musician friend. It was decorated with a music stave, with 3 words above & 3 below, saying "WHAT PART OF (stave) DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

One day another muso visited & read the notes which my friend had never done - CAGE EGG BAD

sandra

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Jim McLean
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 12:03 PM

My alcoholic MD suffered from syncopation, staggering from bar to bar.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 12:39 PM

Q. What does it mean if the harmonica player drools from both corners of his mouth?

A. The stage is level....

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: JHW
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 01:20 PM

And 'perfect pitch'

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 02:06 PM

Isn't that when you throw the piano accordion into the skip and score a direct hit on the banjo?

Speaking of banjos, I hated mine so much that I left it in full view on the back seat overnight in my unlocked car with all the windows down.

Next morning there was another banjo next to it...

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Jul 21 - 02:08 PM

Perfect pitch is defined as hitting the skip first throw with a banjo and it smashes an accordion and a bodhran when it lands.

Dave H

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: BobL
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:03 AM

I understand our Mr. Shaw is Offenbach sooner...

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 04:12 AM

I know it sez "musical" in the thread title but I'll go completely off-topic and include a couple of bodhran jokes anyway... ;-)

Q. What have a hand grenade and a bodhran got in common?

A. By the time you've heard either, it's too late...


"Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a bodhran player!"

"Now don't be silly, dear, you can't do both!"

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Mark
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 04:40 AM

I'm not sure I should join in but...

Q: What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?

A: A tattoo.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Derrick
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 06:08 AM

Q    How long does it take to tune a Banjo?

A    Nobody knows

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 06:29 AM

What do you call a banjo player in a suit ? the defendent.

Dave H

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: clueless don
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 07:06 AM

Heard on the radio some years back:

What's the difference between a musician and a large pepperoni pizza?

A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 07:39 AM

If you get the tenor of it and can Handel it, you’ll soon be making your own Liszt of musical jokes,
Didja hear about a fat musician who went on a diet just to make his Hans Zimmer.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:15 PM

Have you ever dated a musician? especially a Folk musician.... If so you might be entitled to compensation.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: PHJim
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:28 PM

A man walks into a pub with a black garbage bag. The publican intercepts him and says, "Before you go any farther, what is in that bag?"
The man tells him, "It's 20 pounds of plastic exposives."
"OK," says the publican, "You can come in. I thought it might've been a bodhran."

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: PHJim
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:30 PM

Q - What's the difference between a puppy and a singer/songwriter?

A - A puppy eventually quits whining.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:32 PM

What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Reinhard
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:35 PM

Why do you all rehash the same old "jokes" that were boring 50 years ago?

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 02:45 PM

I slipped up - his first friend wouldn't be served because he was of course a minor but he did have another friend D E A who was suspended.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 03:06 PM

Reinhard- for the same reason we sing songs we were singing 50 years ago.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 03:29 PM

“Ok, next up we’re going to play ‘Life is just a bowl of cherries. In 5/4 time’”
“You can’t play ‘Life is just a bowl of cherries’ in 5/4 time.
“Life is just a bowl of ****in’ cherries “

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: mayomick
Date: 07 Jul 21 - 03:55 PM

"Why do you all rehash the same old "jokes" that were boring 50 years ago?'
Ok Reinhart, what's the answer -something to do with a banjo,is it ?

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Jul 21 - 09:18 AM

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Cool Beans
Date: 08 Jul 21 - 02:33 PM

Nice work, Georgian!

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 04:56 AM

Apparently Frank Ifield was going to bring out a single with the Sex Pistols:
"I remember you, you bastard".

Robin

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 09:36 AM

What's the proper pitch of a cittern? About 75 yards with a good back swing.

A soprano is making love to her saxophone playing boyfriend. She hs forgotten, in the heat of the moment, about using protection so she says, "honey you better pull out." He says, "why? am I sharp?"

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 09:39 AM

Here's another Golden Moldy-

What do you call someone who likes to hang with musicians?

A drummer.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 11:03 AM

How many girl singers does it take to sing a Patsy Cline song?

All of them.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 01:06 PM

THEY FLAT THEIR FIFTHS....

          ....WE DRINK THEM.


Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Eddie Condon Chicago jazz musicians 1951, when asked about the difference between jazz musicians and blues men

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 01:15 PM

Most are probably familiar with Motzart's satirical "Ein musikalischer Spaß".

Sincerely,
Gargoyle



https://sites.utexas.edu/ransomcentermagazine/2009/10/29/mozarts-a-musical-joke/

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 03:52 PM

Always b natural never b flat and fuck yourself and your banjo.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 05:30 PM

Q: What is the difference between a Banjo player driving down the street at 40 mph and a frog driving down the street at 40 mph?

A: The frog is on his way to a gig.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 07:00 PM

Over here they used Mozart's Musical Joke as the theme tune for the Horse Of The Year show. So everybody knows it, and they managed to fuse two jokes into one...

If you know where to listen, there are lots of jokes in Beethoven's music. A prime example is the second movement of the eighth symphony, which is a friendly pisstake on Maelzel's new invention, the metronome. The Diabelli Variations (in my opinion the greatest work ever composed for keyboard) contains quite a few hidden jibes aimed at Anton Diabelli. He probably didn't mind at all.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 09 Jul 21 - 11:33 PM

Dear Mr. Steven Shaw,

I am far less errudite than I portend to be.

Please explain, "quite a few hidden jibes aimed at Anton Diabelli. "

Or, provide a link to more information.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Folk music is very much like underwear.....
The Pope wears underwear I hope
The Governor of Louisiana wears underwear
I saw him on TV
He must have had tight underwear
He squirmed a lot

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Jul 21 - 12:31 AM

I love the Diabelli Variations. I hope you're not going to spoil it for all of us! (I bet Leonard Bernstein did a lecture about it - I should go looking. Or maybe Andre Previn. They loved talking about that kind of stuff.)

For musical jokes, Bernstein talked about one of the Beethoven symphonies ending and ending and ending - I don't remember which now. It's probably all on YouTube.

And the Hoffnung Concerts were recorded and are still pretty wonderful.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 10 Jul 21 - 11:29 AM

I don’t like the endings of Donovan songs. They’re too far from the beginnings….

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 10 Jul 21 - 07:23 PM

I have the Chopin Liszt shopping list and also the Chopin Liszt chopping board. And two coasters that proclaim: “Old musicians never die: they only decompose”.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jul 21 - 07:55 PM

Well, Gargoyle, you really need to have the piece under your belt to appreciate the humour. The background is that Anton Diabelli, a music publisher and (very) amateur composer, produced a little waltz tune (which Beethoven called "a cobbler's patch") and invited the major composers of the day to each contribute one variation on the waltz. Beethoven might have been a bit sneery about the tune, but he saw the potential and eventually produced not one but 33 variations, which take the best part of an hour to play. He didn't produce them all in one go either. I have three versions, the first recording by Stephen Bishop-Kovacevich, one by William Kinderman and one by Andreas Staier, the latter on fortepiano. My favourite is the Staier, not just because it's superbly characterful but also because the CD also has many of the other composers' attempts (they don't look great alongside the Beethoven!). When I bought the Kinderman version it came with a little book that tells you all you need to know about the music, including how Beethoven, in several of the variations, was taking the mickey out of Diabelli's rather mundane waltz, but still the affection is there in spades...

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 11 Jul 21 - 03:27 AM

I have somewhere in my collection Beethoven's varoations on a Theme by Salieri.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Rob Mad Jock Wright
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:01 AM

It is New Years Eve and a band cancels their booking for a big big party . The venue manager rings around everywhere trying to get a replacement. Everyone is booked . Finally in desperation he calls his friend a banjo player and begs for help.
The banjo player turns up with two others, an accordionist and a Bohdran player.
This is all I could get he explains.
The venue manager in a panic agrees to put them on.

The party is a Huge success and the weird trio have everyone up dancing and enjoying themselves all night long.

The venue manager gives the trio a bit of a bonus payment for the night and asks if he could book them again for next years New Year’s Eve.

The trio agree and ask if it is alright to leave their instruments on stage until then.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Rob Mad jock Wright
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:03 AM

What do you call a collection of Banjos.

A bonfire.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Rob Mad Jock Wright
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:24 AM

What is the difference between a drum machine and a bodhran player.


You only need to punch the rhythm into the drum machine once.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Rob Mad Jock Wright
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:28 AM

A banjo and an accordion fall off a cliff. Which hits the ground first.

Who cares.


What do call a bus load of accordionists going over a cliff.

A good start.



What do you call a bus load of accordionists going over a cliff with two empty seats.


A waste of space.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: GUEST,Rob Mad Jock Wright
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:31 AM

What is the difference between a gentleman and a banjo player.


The gentleman knows the meaning of ‘ No’   ‘Don’t ‘ and ‘Stop’.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 05:39 AM

Considering that almost every kind of instrument can be played well, badly or worse, why do so many jokes pick on accordeons and banjos? In my experience, the instruments that are played badly or worse in the greatest numbers are guitars.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 06:14 AM

Everyone picks on banjos and accordions because it saves time.

Dave H

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 13 Jul 21 - 04:32 PM

Have you heard the new joke about the banjo player? Don't wor
ry nor has anyone else.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: BobL
Date: 14 Jul 21 - 03:02 AM

It takes time, effort and ability to play any instrument well. However with some more than others, it is relatively easy to achieve an acceptably mediocre standard. Melodeons and bodhrans in particular seem to be tarred with this brush.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: G-Force
Date: 14 Jul 21 - 06:54 AM

Q. How do you know when you've got a drummer at your front door?

A. The knocking speeds up.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 14 Jul 21 - 07:04 AM

Correct answer is, the knocking speeds and he never knows when to come in.

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 17 Jul 21 - 05:38 AM

It is interesting how overhearing a casual conversation can inspire the lyrics for a song.

Back in 1967 sanitation engineers were brainstorming how to overcome problems with sewage systems that were affected by back pressure from rising water stemming from seawater levels changing.

As a result they organised a friendly competition to design a toilet that would be OK to nstall in these situations. Five companies submitted prototypes and it was agreed that they would be tested in turn, one each day in a particular week in the summer.

One official would be required to observe during the night during the 24 hour tests.
The official was overheard explaing on the phone to his wife that he would be working nights.

"I'll be sitting on the bog of the day, watching the tide roll in".

Robin

Subject: RE: A musical joke
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 17 Jul 21 - 09:26 AM

What is a Scottish gentleman?

A Scotsman who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.