BS: Funny Joke

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 21 - 05:46 PM

Give a man a bucket of coal and you'll keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Aug 21 - 04:58 PM

Bill posted this 17th century joke 20 years ago today:

The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell

One, who is not, we see: but one, whom we see not, is:
Surely this is not that: but that is assuredly this.

What, and wherefore, and whence? for under is over and under:
If thunder could be without lightning, lightning could be without thunder.

Doubt is faith in the main: but faith, on the whole, is doubt:
We cannot believe by proof: but could we believe without?

Why, and whither, and how? for barley and rye are not clover:
Neither are straight lines curves: yet over is under and over.

Two and two may be four: but four and four are not eight:
Fate and God may be twain: but God is the same thing as fate.

Ask a man what he thinks, and get from a man what he feels:
God, once caught in the fact, shows you a fair pair of heels.

Body and spirit are twins: God only knows which is which:
The soul squats down in the flesh, like a tinker drunk in a ditch.

More is the whole than a part: but half is more than the whole:
Clearly, the soul is the body: but is not the body the soul?

One and two are not one: but one and zero is two:
Truth can hardly be false, if falsehood cannot be true.

Once the mastodon was: pterodactyls were common as cocks:
Then the mammoth was God: now is He a prize ox.

Parallels all things are: yet many of these are askew:
You are certainly I: but certainly I am not you.

Springs the rock from the plain, shoots the stream from the rock:
Cocks exist for the hen: but hens exist for the cock.

God whom we see not, is: and God, who is not, we see:
Fiddle, we know, is diddle: and diddle, we take it, is dee.
Algernon Charles Swinburne

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Cool Beans
Date: 21 Aug 21 - 04:30 PM

Duke Ellington took some of his considerable wealth and invested in a dairy farm. One of his cows drank a bottle of ink and mooed indigo.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Malcolm Storey
Date: 19 Aug 21 - 05:33 AM

I can remember about 1956 being at the cinema and falling off my seat laughing at a sequence in a Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis film.
I don't understand American humour these days - even when I can make out the words!
And to think we could understand Kojak!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 21 - 04:14 AM

Switching from Frank to Dino

When you're swimming at night and you feel a big bite
That's a Moray....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 21 - 02:51 AM

It continues, Steve

Da do do do, Da da da da - Police

Do da do da do da - Police car

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Aug 21 - 02:27 AM

Military joke,

' What's the time Sargent Major ? '

' one two three one '

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: mayomick
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 08:05 PM

do they have moray eels in the river Wensum?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 07:09 PM

To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Jean-Paul Sartre

Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 06:58 PM

...and I don't know the full lyrics of "I did it my way" ...

Some people have all the luck!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 06:43 PM

Not "my" music either. It's just a pun on that particular line.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 06:12 PM

Thanks Helen - Sinatra is not "my" music - and I don't know the full lyrics of "I did it my way" ...

So it is a pun on egrets vs regrets ...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 03:40 PM

I have to say that the egret joke would probably defy the mighty powers of Google search, so I doubt very much whether you would have found it easily unless someone had already posted it on the internet. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 03:23 PM

Hi Mudguard,

Whether we like Frank Sinatra's singing or not, the song My Way is very difficult to avoid.

Frank Sinatra - My Way

"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 03:10 PM

> 'My last bird watching trip was rather disappointing. Egrets, I saw a few. But then again, too few to mention.'

Hm, I have read this quite a few times by now.
But I don't get the joke.

(I got the ibis one, and the watermelon one, but not the egret one)

Maybe it is because I am not a native English speaker ...
I had to look up the word "egrets" - ok, that's some white bird feeding on fish.
Doesn't help to get the joke ...

Could someone please explain?
Thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 10:33 AM

Doc says to bloke who's just come round, "I have some good news and some bad news..."

What's the good news, Doc?"

"We only had to amputate half your leg after all!"

Ah, that's good! So what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 07:23 AM

Talking of Marvin Gaye, How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 04:41 AM

Doc tells a bloke the bad news that he hasn't got long to live.

"What! Oh God....How long have I got, Doc?"

"Ten..."

"Ten? Oh God! Ten what? Days? Weeks?? Months???"

"Don't interrupt! Nine...eight...seven..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 03:41 AM

I've been trying to resist telling this joke, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Sorry in advance.

A man goes to the doctor, naked but wrapped completely in cling wrap/Saran wrap and says, "I'm not sure whether I am going mad".

The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Aug 21 - 02:11 AM

True story, and quite a few sessionista fall for it when I show them.

I had a beater made for my Bodhran, out of walnut

I only take it for the craic

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Andrez
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 08:23 PM

Look at what lockdown does to your sense of humour!

- What do you get when you cross a bull with a male sheep? Bullsheep!

Better go back into lockdown before the virus finds me oim tinkin :-)

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Malcolm Storey
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 07:10 PM

We had a friend who we always referred to as Colonel - he was never in the army - just a bit of a nut!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 11:52 AM

Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in my vineyard. He'd herd it through the grapevine.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 10:02 AM

"That's the way to do it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 08:36 AM

Letter in the Daily Mail:-

"Visiting the seaside resort of Felixstowe, I witnessed a terrible incident. A couple having a blazing row started hitting each other with sticks. The husband threatened the baby. Then a policeman arrived, drew his truncheon and belted this hapless man senseless.
I stood there open-mouthed. To cap it all, a crocodile arrived and ate all the sausages!"
I was actually believing this tale until I got to the crocodile bit!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Malcolm Storey
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 07:30 AM

About thirty or so years ago I got quite friendly with a German couple whilst on holiday in Spain.
The chap had apparently been in Russia during the war.
"How was it" I asked
"Bloody cold" he replied - so some German's do have a sense of humour!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Aug 21 - 05:29 AM

Here's one that works ten times better when it's spoken rather than written:

In the Olympic park I met a man who was carrying a very long stick.

I asked him, "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

(Best German accent required, natch!)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 10:46 PM

Senoufou, I was just worried that the word "ibis" might be pronounced differently outside of Australia e.g. "ee-biss" or "ibb-iss" and then the joke would have made no sense at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Malcolm Storey
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 08:53 PM

This bloke went to the doctors and said "I've a strawberry up my arse"
"Not to worry" said the doctor "I've some cream for that"

A well known sportsman was being interviewed and the subject of sports peoples superstitions was mention.

"So" said the interviewer " and do you have any superstitions?"

"Yes" came the answer "I always put my socks on before I put my shoes on"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 08:25 PM

That's funny. I remember when one of my sister's kids was young and had a blocked nose. She was laughing because he was calling her "Bum".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 06:06 PM

Yes Helen, I did get it and like you thought it was very funny!
It makes me think of a person with a blocked nose "I biss you by dear!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 05:16 PM

Just wondering. Did you "get" the joke about the ibis? Pronounced "eye'-biss", with a strong emphasis on the first syllable.

Oh well, I thought it was funny. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 08:14 AM

We have always censored reality. Finally we are starting to censor the lie.
Here we have egrets, loons and storks. I've met a very friendly stork only a meter away in NC. He must have been too exhausted to fly away.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 07:59 AM

'deepest shag you've ever had?' Haaaaghaaaaagah!!!!
This thread will be censored before long I reckon.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 07:01 AM

I dunno about tits, Eliza but this presenter on
Springwatch used an unfortunate phrase :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Aug 21 - 06:43 AM

Egrets, I saw a few. But then again, too few to mention

cue raptorous applause

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Aug 21 - 03:50 AM

Ah Malcolm, that almost exactly describes the wildlife around here too! Being on the river Wensum and having several small lakes as well, we get loads of dragonflies (had a hawker in the front garden only yesterday - not a salesman, a large, dark-brown dragonfly!) and all those birds you mention. Not to mention cock chafers (now there's a cue for a joke!)
It's funny how people from different regions attribute different words to the call of the wood-pigeon. Here it's "My toe bleeds, Betty!" which is their dawn chorus. The "Food Food!" is only when I appear later and scatter breadcrumbs for them.
Husband hates their racket early in the morning. His personal dawn chorus is, "Ces bloomin pigeons m'amerdent! Eh-boh dah!" (These bloomin' pigeons annoy me. F*** off!" (Mixture of French, 'Norfolk' and Malinke. He's trilingual)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 09:08 PM

Mine say CHee Burger

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Malcolm Storey
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 05:51 PM

I thought it was "see two cows paddy"!!
Blacktoft yesterday officially quiet according to the warden
We saw little egret, grey heron, spoonbill, marsh harrier, sparrow hawk, two or three hundred lapwings, blacktailed godwit, coots, numerous ducks, several snipe as well as a starling pretending to be a small wader!
Also lots of different bees and other pollinators, various butterflies and dragonflies.
Always worth a visit even on quiet(?) days.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 05:06 PM

The wood pigeons round here (pains in the 'arris, Gawd bless 'em) say "My toe's sore, Betty! My toe's sore, Betty!" - over and over again. Listen again if you don't believe me!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 04:43 PM

That's funny. My cat says something similar. She also says, "Out! Out!" when she wants to go outside. Actually, it's more like "ow-w-wt"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 04:31 PM

"The vaccine, the vaccine, the vaccine" that's really hilarious Helen!! And very topical of the spotted doves!
Our local wood pigeons call out "Fooooood! Foooood!" when I sprinkle some bread on to our lawn for them.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 04:19 PM

This is off topic, but sort of related. I just stood on the verandah looking at the apricot-coloured pre-sunrise sky. I was listening to the butcher birds, the magpies, a kookaburra, another bird that I can't identify with a beautiful clear song, and a couple of other bird types, and watched some of the fruitbats flying slowly back to their roosting spots in the mangrove trees near the creek, next to the harbour.

In the last couple of weeks I've realised that one of the most common calls of the Spotted Dove around here sounds like they are saying, "the vaccine, the vaccine, the vaccine...." over and over. A paid advertisement from the health service, perhaps?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 02:54 PM

In Oz, the black headed ibis is also known as the bin chicken or the bin bandit.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Helen
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 02:49 PM

Senoufou, I used to read a little book at the library where I worked. I can't remember the title or the author but it was a blooper-type of collection of quotes from the BBC radio and TV.

One of my favourites was someone on the radio earnestly talking about birds and in the middle of the speech s/he said, "Great tits like watermelons".

And a song for you:

Ibis seeing you in all the old familiar places

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 01:02 PM

Free suntan lotion at the nudist colony..
Motto: "No stern un-toned".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 07:51 AM

You're quite right Jon, it was indeed a Great White Egret. A bit like a stork, and about the same size.
Dave, that's really funny too! I'm waiting now for some puns on 'tits'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 07:38 AM

"But these people, (yes, mostly men!) seem to go whizzing around Norfolk to take photos of our numerous and uncommon birds (hen harrier, bittern, egret for example.)"

I guess it depends on the egret, Sen.

Going by the RSPB site, the little egret is a reasonably common sight in Norfolk (and I think both on the Broads and parts of the coastline - even I have seen them) these days.

I guess the great white egret might be one to get the twitchers out though.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 05:22 AM

A flock of sea birds ate my crop of marajuana. There was no tern left unstoned.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Joke
From: Senoufou
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 03:27 AM

Haaghaaaagh Helen!!! Very good hee hee!!