BS: One Liners

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 AM

From the papers of a great civilization, either ours or some other, I can't recall:

When rich speculators prosper while farmers lose their land;
when government officials spend money on weapons instead of cures;
when the upper class is extravagant and irresponsible while the poor have nowhere to turn;
all this is robbery and chaos.

-- Tao Te Ching

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:17 AM

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

-- Jack Handey

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:06 AM

Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all
wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit
here!"

-- Jerry Seinfeld

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM

Well, I guess, now that 'Spaw has clarified the thing, that we should include anything short enough to be told briefly, whether one line of a few. Thank you for your Wisdom, sir Spaw.

"Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow is a vision, today is a bitch."

The one allegedly uttered by a drunken W.C. Fields when an incensed Mayer was waiting at his door:

"Give him..an evasive answer...tell him to go f### himself."

Also attributed to Fields:
"You, sir, are a no-good son of a bitch. I would not piss in your ear if your brain were on fire."

Without computers, it would be virtually impossible for us to accomploiwur xow;gkc,mf(*&(

-- Dave Barry

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: ddw
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM

A couple of my favorites in the last few days are:

"I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter,"

and one from last Friday's Royal Canadian Air Farce show, describing the beating Mike Tyson put on his British opponent, Julius Francis:

"Tyson beat Francis so badly, he though he was on a date."

In the same skit they warned viewers that what they were about to show was not pretty and they suggested viewer discretion. Then they flashed up a "before" picture of Francis, followed by an "after" shot — of Camilla Parker Bowles. I missed the next skit.

david

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM

The greats often used more than one line, as exhibited here by the brilliant Gerge S. Kaufman (slightly paraphrased for "brevity"):

If you were to take the Mt. Palomar telescope and somehow mount it inside the Wilson telescope and look through this combination, you would be unable to detect any interest I might have in your problem.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Brendy
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM

"If you're hung for your wit, you'd die innocent."
"You're about as much use as a one legged man at an arse-kicking contest."
"Are they your own teeth, or are you breaking them in for an idiot."
"I have never heard anything more average in my life."

My 0.02
B.

Subject: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:40 PM

To warm the crowd up, fill in between songs, tide over a broken string: use one liners! Here are a few and there a millions waiting to flock to this l'i'l thread from all across Nudcat Flats. Bring 'em on in. We'' make a collection and send 'em to Rick FIelding!

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

You might be a physics major... if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

Roll on, ye Cats!

A