BS: Words of Wisdom

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:26 AM

Tony in Sweden,

(Ahem)...Um...dare I ask where you put it when you try it on?

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:21 AM

I forgot this one:-

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, DOESN'T try it on!!

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:18 AM

A few more that spring to mind....

As usefull as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.

As thick as shit in the neck of a bottle.

As bright as two O'clock in the morning.

A face like a hen laying razors.

A face like a skittery hippen ( soiled nappy/daiper)

A face like a wet night looking for a dry mornin'

A face like a bag o bruised fruit.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Catrin
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:53 AM

A difficult task is like 'walking through treacle'

A low paid job pays 'tuppence a lifetime'

My mother in law had some classics including:

You're a long time dead (when persuading herself to spend money/ have an extra drink/dance or do anything which other people might frown on)

Better late in this world than early in the next. (when tempted to rush across roads or drive too fast)

Or there's
As welcome as a fart in a sari

And plenty of others which I can't think of right now.

Catrin

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:37 AM

Crazy Eddie,

I think it's shoe polish, but I could be wrong.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:18 AM

"Thicker than a whale omlette"
"If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose."
"Shit, or get off the pot" = make up your mind
"You don't keep a dog, and bark yourself"
"He who lies down with dogs, shall rise with fleas"
"He couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery"
"Don't be difficult. Put a bit of effort into it, & be bloody-well impossible"

BTW what IS shinola? Is it something like Brasso?

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: GUEST,Les B
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 04:11 PM

"Ma said there'd be days like this -- she just didn't say there'd be so damn many!"

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Mbo
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 03:37 PM

Wait--should I unload all the Wellerisms I know? Some of the are great advice!

"He'd be as sharp as a serpent's tooth if he wasn't as dull as ditchwater."

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 03:07 PM

If you drink, don't drive--hell, don't even putt!!

Someone says to me, "How are you today?" I tell them: "Pretty fair; Fair ta middlin'; Fair to partly cloudy."

He says "How's it go?" I reply: "It doesn't go; you gotta push it!" (and therein lies a whole philosophy of life, say I.)

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Naemanson
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:56 PM

How about:

Number than a pounded thumb
Clear as mud
Line him up with a tree to see which one is moving

Or as I saw on a bumper sticker once:
Vegetarian - An old word meaning poor hunter.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:50 PM

From my father: "He/she is "half past six". meaning wacky.

Your companions are your mirror, They show you yourself. Courtesy of Sister Paula, 7th grade.
A woman's hair is her crowning glory. From another nun - how did she know? They cut their hair in those days.

A favorite:
You can take her/him anywhere twice. The second time to apologize for the first.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:42 PM

Grab the bull or get off the pot.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:30 PM

Always check six.

This is from air warfare. Because you can see all the hours of the clock, except six, when you are driving. So, in battle, always, always check six, cuz here it comes right up your..... crash boom.

What a song challenge it would be, to work ALL of these into songs.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:27 PM

My dad says " S/He's enough to give an aspirin a headache" and " rarer than rocking horse shit" is a personal favourite as is 'Spaw's " too dumb to pour piss from his boot with the instructions written on the heel" Loved that, thanks Uncle Pat......

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Clinton Hammond2
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:51 PM

Dumb as a can of smashed a$$holes...
As sharp as the edge of town
Not the shiniest coin in the fountain
Never give a celt an even break... Compound fractures heal slower
just to name a few...

{~`

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Jim the Bart
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:34 PM

Comparisons:
Dumb as a box of rocks
Cuter than a bugs ear
Dumb as a stump
harder than Chinese arithmetic

Aphorisms:
He didn't know whether to shit or go blind
Some folks will eat shit and howl at the moon

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:18 PM

Or up a rope.

Dumb as a doorknob. So full of S**t, his eyes are brown.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Bert
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:11 PM

Then there's this one that has become such a part of everyday life that no one has mentioned it - Scary thought.

Pissing into the wind.

Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:07 PM

"Like pushing string" reminded me of "Like trying to shove butter up an eel's ass with a red-hot awl."

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: IvanB
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:00 PM

"Sometimes the dragon wins."

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Mbo
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:49 PM

My sister works with a woman from Germany, who instead of saying "crapola", says "carpola."

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Bert
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:41 PM

Marymac, I had a friend who wanted to use that expression in a lecture but of course he couldn't. He was very pleased with himself when he came up with 'Couldn't tell spit from Shinola'

Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Lox
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:38 PM

Of a pointless argument or pep-talk,

"It's like pushing string"

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Mbo
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:35 PM

Here are some of my personal favorites! Used in everyday life, when warranted.

Beautiful like the backside of a frying pan. (Italian)
As the skunk said to the squirrel "If you don't like it here, go somewhere else!" (Italian)
It smells like 20 miles of what-the-hell. (West Virginian)
Cut once, measure never. (The Furniture Guys)
Go cram Play-Doh up your nose. (my sister Cbo)
Who cares what it looks like, as long as it tastes darn knarley! (my sister Cbo's #1 Rule for Life)
You look like the last rose of summer (my mom)
This RULES! (me)

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Marymac90
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:34 PM

My grandmother liked "You don't know your ass from a hole in the ground!" A variant is "You don't know your ass from your elbow!" This one really IS elbow, Bert! She also liked "He didn't have a pot to piss in!" My grandmother was a colorful character! Another from that era is "He can't tell s*** from Shinola!" Are there young folks or people from abroad unfamiliar with Shinola? One that I like is "He's so full of s*** his eyes are brown!"

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:02 PM

To his bride, a young bridegroom said: "Trish, Your c*** is as big as a dish!" She responded, "You fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Bert
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 11:55 AM

Ely, it's NOT 'elbow' and they're not cold, really.

Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 11:08 AM

One day, Mister uttered this gem: Sometimes ya pokes the cow, sometimes the cow pokes you. (Make of it what you will.)

I always liked the one about not being able to find one's backside with both hands and a flashlight.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Ely
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 10:41 AM

So full of s**t you could smell it on his breath

Slower than molasses in January (does not apply in hot climates?!)

Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Colder than a witch's elbow (my dad's favorite. Personally, I've never wanted to get close enough to see how cold that is . . .)

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Bert
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 10:36 AM

You smell like a Turkish wrestler's jock strap.
He wouldn't know his dick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it.
He's daft as arseholes and twice as nasty.
You look like a bundle of arseholes tied up ugly.
You look like a sack of shit tied up with string.
As thick as two short planks.

Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: sian, west wales
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:49 AM

spaw, we luv ya.

Also, Mudcat's great. Ya throw out a thought pre-lunch and, bingo, post-lunch ya get all this food for thought.

More ...

One sandwich short of a picnic.
One kiwi fruit short of a good compost.

Others from the Casselman collection which come to mind
I couldn't warm to him/her if we was cremated together.
S/he's so cheap s/he'd fart on a stone to save the grease.
You smell better 'n a two-bit whore on nickle Tuesday.
S/He's got her/his snow suit on and s/he's headed north. (which apparently refers to someone being three sheets to the wind ... drunk. Don't understand it m'self...)

And one from my mother's youth ...

You never know when you go to sit
Where the man in the balconey's gonna spit.

That's *spit*, spaw.

sian

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:48 AM

On the not very clever side:
"Not the sharpest tool in the box"
"As sharp as a sausage" (also....as a marble)
"As bright as a five Watt bulb"

Others?
"As popular as a turd in a fruit salad"
"As brief as a butterflys fart"

"You can't wrap fire in paper"
"One hand washes the other"

We also used to split two sayings, and cross-join them. For Example
"People who live in glass houses...live to fight another day"
While
"He who fights & runs away...should't throw stones"

Of course "It's a bad day for the Gaels, when the ducks are in the nettles"

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:36 AM

Dumber than a bucket of hair.

Slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:08 AM

One ace short of a deck

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:31 AM

Uglier than Death taking a s***.

My wife likes to collect metaphors for people whose contact with reality is dubious - variants on the old "a few bricks shy of a load"...I don't know whether this originates with living with me so long or not.

got one oar in the water.

A couple of cans shy of a six-pack.

Dumber than a sack full of hammers.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: sledge
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:17 AM

As much use as a choclate tea pot.

Just because you are paranoid, it dosn't mean they are not out to get you.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:11 AM

Its colder in the country than it is in the winter.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Troll
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:44 AM

One wall shy of a room.
Useless as tits on a boar hog.
Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.
All hat and no cattle.
Even a blind pig will find an acorn sometimes.
Th' willin' horse is aye warked tae death.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:36 AM

Oh....you got me started, now.


Rule #1....Never shoot the driver.

Rule #6....Evolve or die out.

Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody asked for. (The Smoking Man on the X-Files)

In a fight between a big dog and a little dog, the little dog will usually go for the testicles.

I think, therefore I think I am.

Scars achieved during battle will not count against contestants. (Quote from a dog show rule book)

Slow has got 4 letters, so has Life. Speed has got 5 letters, so has Death. (Sign at a train station in India)

Everyone needs at least one person in their life who recognizes what's truly great about them.

Just because you haven't succeeded yet, doesn't mean you've failed.

Carol

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: JulieF
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:33 AM

The ones that come to mind:-

To damm with faint praise ( as opposed to the other way round) As Welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

Julie

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Quincy
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:32 AM

As much use as an ash-tray on a motor-bike.

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: Quincy
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:29 AM

A closed mouth gathers no feet!

Yvonne

Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom
From: GUEST,micca at work.
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:26 AM

as much use as a chocolate teapot
as much use as pigskin bound Koran
he/she is an @ short of a .com
as much use as a Ham sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah

Subject: Words of Wisdom
From: sian, west wales
Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:04 AM

Branching off the Household Tips thread (which I think is a superior thread!) how about proverbs, and stuff? There's a guy in Canada who's published some excellent books of Canadian sayings (Bill? Casselman) I like to jot them down when I find them - whether or not they make any sense. For instance, ...

S/he ain't go the sense God gave a head o' lettuce.
S/he wouldn't know beans if th' bag was open.
The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
A winter's fog will kill a dog. (from my Aunt Joyce ... still haven't worked that one out!)
similarly a Welsh one
Fel iar yn cario brechdan - Like a chicken carrying a sandwich.

I also see a lot of modern day creations these days ...

Home is where you hang your @. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single click. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. The geek shall inherit the earth. There's no place like http://www.home.com Be it ever so humble, there's no place like your homepage. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Any additions?

sian