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BS: Words of Wisdom
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Metchosin Date: 09 Sep 00 - 05:22 AM "All men matter, none much" - Brownie McGhee "I am matter, you are matter, the stars are matter, it doesn't really matter" - Captain Beefheart |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Amos Date: 09 Sep 00 - 12:30 AM It was attributed to W.C. Fields that he once dictated a letter, while drunk, which read: "Dear Sir, You ar e a no-good son of a bitch, and I would not piss in your ear if your brain were on fire. Sincerely yours, W.C. Fields." And the classic Glaswegian (or Newfie or whatever....) condemnation is "He couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel." Other favorites from the ages -- TANSTAAFL, it annoys the pig, and "Sheep lie!". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Clinton Hammond2 Date: 08 Sep 00 - 03:35 PM If you have to eat a toad, don't look at it too long If you have to eat 2 toads, eat the big one first
Those are from Mark Twain I believe... And the best is {~` |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 08 Sep 00 - 11:19 AM Two final thoughts for today ... Of someone's who's thin - "I've seen more beef on an oxo cube" "I've seen more meat on a tinker's stick after a fight" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Big Mick Date: 08 Sep 00 - 08:56 AM "Will Rogers never met Howard Cosell" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 08 Sep 00 - 08:24 AM Of something that's certain - "As sure as there's an eye in a goat." Of a certain type of nasty drunk - "Street angel, house devil" Of something that's very hard - "As hard as the road" Of a peaceful character - "He doesn't break much delph" Of a quiet character - "He wouldn't say boo to a goose." "You wouldn't hear him behind a tram ticket." Of a shrewd character - "There are no flies on him (and any there are are dead ones)." My granny would never make plans for the future without a caveat " ...if we're living and spared" or "...if God spares us" or "...with the help of God". Which always seemed a tad pessimistic to me. My mother would always say of some pillock who she observed doing something stupid "Ireland's rarin' them yet!" Of doing something with too much haste and too little care - "Like a bull at a gate"
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Midchuck Date: 08 Sep 00 - 07:52 AM Not enough fabric in that woman's outfit to pad a crutch. That woman was so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Chevy pickup. (For this to make sense, you have to be old enough to remember when cars and trucks had radiator caps on the outside of the hood.) We lived so far out in the country, the first thing we had to do in the morning was sweep the coon-farts outa the kitchen. (The last two are from the late H. Allen Smith, who had a bundle of 'em, and put the publishable ones in his books.) Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 08 Sep 00 - 07:16 AM Sorry the Guest above posted 05.17 was me,its the work machines, |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 08 Sep 00 - 07:15 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: mcpiper Date: 08 Sep 00 - 06:46 AM If your brains was dynamite they wouldn't blow a straw hat off your head. If your brains was leather, they wouldn't saddle a bug. Grinning like a horse chewing thistles, and one of my fathers favourites, probably not politically correct now but here goes: Flash as a chow on a bike. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: okthen Date: 08 Sep 00 - 05:37 AM only knitting with one needle if i fell in a bucket of tits i'd come up sucking my thumb we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars--oscar wilde cheers bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: sian, west wales Date: 08 Sep 00 - 05:26 AM Gosh, your system goes down for a day, and ya come back to all this!
A school friend of mine was getting all hot-and-heavy with her boyfriend and her mother's clincher was, By the way, does anyone actually *use* these regularly? I decided a while back that I was going to, just to make life more colourful. Goes down just fine in the pub, but you get some funny looks in the Board room. (their loss, not mine) sian
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST Date: 08 Sep 00 - 05:17 AM "A tidy desk is the sign of a diseased mind, or the person doesnt have enough work to do" Life, Liberty and the happiness of pursuit |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: CarolC Date: 08 Sep 00 - 05:08 AM An immaculate house is a sign of a misspent life. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mickey191 Date: 08 Sep 00 - 01:40 AM A halo has only to slip a few inches to become a noose. My cow died-so I don't need your bull. Somedays it's chicken-somedays it's feathers. Somedays your the pidgeon-somedays your the statue. (Describing a chubby lady) Beef to the heels, like a Mullingar Heifer. The only way to entertain some people is to listen to them When arguing with a stupid person, make sure their not doing the same. My dear Irish Mom used to say this all the time and I would love to know if anyone has heard it before "God help us Morris, there's a lot of us here and nothing for us." The last is a thinker-Life is what you do, while your waiting to die. Slainte Maithe Mickey191NY |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Bill D Date: 07 Sep 00 - 11:21 PM "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends off on the saddle horn" on dumb: "He ain't got the good sense God give a retarded rubber duck" THE law of doin' guy stuff-"If it don't go, don't force it...get a bigger hammer" "Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock" The ultimate justification template:.."Of course it was a just war, my son died in it"...(Nietzsche..Also Sprache Zarathustra "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"....(*grin*...ponder THAT one!) from an old carpenter I worked with once, on doing good work:"Awww...all they're gonna do is (walk...sit...pile stuff, etc.) on it...it ain't like they're gonna take pictures of it!" "You can't teach an old Gnu dog tricks" from my father...."If you was carryin' all the feathers you could carry, could you carry one more?"....(maybe why I went into Philosophy)
A little song/chant: |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Lena Date: 07 Sep 00 - 08:10 PM I don't know any canadian ones,and the italian ones are too dirty usually to write them down carelessly.But I know a very cute eastern european one saying: He must have been bred like an onion.With his legs up on air and his head stuck in the ground. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Brendy Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:47 PM As useless as tits on a bull; As mean as cats' shite; As cold as a witch's tit; As odd as two's even. B. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Diva Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:42 PM On meanness..he's so mean he'd take the pennies off a dead man's eyes. He's so mean he wouldn't give you the matter oot his een.
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Diva Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:32 PM As much use as a chocolate fireguard. As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike. As much use as a chocolate teapot. You don't look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking up the fire. As welcome as a pork chop at a Jewish wedding. If he fell in a pile of s**t he'd come up smelling of roses.
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 05:58 PM When god invented man she was just testing |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mbo Date: 07 Sep 00 - 05:56 PM One coupon short of a toast rack! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny Date: 07 Sep 00 - 05:33 PM An ugly woman: her face would make a freight train take a dirt road. Not too smart: he's hitting on five cylinders. Hotter than a two-bit pistol, hotter than a depot stove. Hotter than hell's hinges. Busy as a one-arm paperhanger. Raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock. A journey of a thousand miles begins with forgetting something. A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle. Ain't no hoss that can't be rode, ain't no cabboy that can't be throwed. Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut. His brain is on vacation, but his mouth is working overtime. NOTABLE QUOTES: Never trust a barber, or a ventriloquist. -- W.C. Fields Godfrey Daniel! -- W.C. Fields Wagner's music is really not as bad as it sounds. -- Mark Twain
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Ely Date: 07 Sep 00 - 05:16 PM Hotter than the ungreased tubs of Hell. (??) "Don't do anything you don't want to admit" "It's not your fault but it is your problem" my aunt's favorite: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Sep 00 - 04:21 PM Find a penny; pick it up. And all the day you'll have a bad back. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST Date: 07 Sep 00 - 12:37 PM A psychiatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode -- Alfred E. Neuman |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Metchosin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 12:36 PM two in use by my old father-in-law
Smells worse than all the night soil of China
And how did the expressions "Drunk as a skunk" and "pissed as a newt" arise? I always regarded those creatures as rather sober little fellows....
No wonder Churchill did not like Lady Astor:
A couple of my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes:
"Only the shallow know themselves." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Llanfair Date: 07 Sep 00 - 12:22 PM My favourite is; "Life's too short to stuff a mushroom" Bron. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Sep 00 - 12:03 PM Douglas Bader's "legs" are on display in some museum over there aren't they Gervase? Interesting, if not always charming, he had the repect of many, but very few close friends among his peers. Robert Stanford Tuck said that upon their first meeting they immediately took a dislike to each other which "blossomed over the years." Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Gervase Date: 07 Sep 00 - 11:26 AM XXX is to msuic what Douglas Bader was to tap-dancing. XXX? He's got Van Gogh's ear for music. Mad as two waltzing mice. Camp as a row of pink tents. A face that only a mother could love. A face like a bucket of smashed crabs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 11:17 AM See a penny, pick it up All that day you'll have good luck If you accidentally spill some salt, throw a pinch over your left shoulder - it gets the devil in his eye before he can get you....
When I was a child, if two of us said the same thing simultaneously without planning it we would hook our right little fingers and pull gently saying
'a wish, a wish, a wish come true, Each of us would make a secret wish whilst doing this. The idea being that saying the rhyme would make both wishes come true... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,Mbo_at_ECU Date: 07 Sep 00 - 11:11 AM My grandfather's alltime favorite line: It's a great life if you don't weaken. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Sep 00 - 11:09 AM When in doubt, enjoy the feeling and life will be less stressful. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 07 Sep 00 - 10:50 AM Referring to shifty types: He'd nick the eye out of your head and come back on your blind side for the other one. If you shake hands with that fella, you'd better count your fingers afterwards. Referring to ugliness: As rough as a badger's chuff. Ugly as sin. Referring to miserliness: As tight as a gnat's chuff. Wouldn't spend Christmas. Still has his communion money. Referring to heat: Hot as the hobs of Hell (because sweating so much) If it wasn't for the sheugh (ditch) in my arse, I'd be drownded. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 07 Sep 00 - 10:50 AM Referring to shifty types: He'd nick the eye out of your head and come back on your blind side for the other one. If you shake hands with that fella, you'd better count your fingers afterwards. Referring to ugliness: As rough as a badger's chuff. Ugly as sin. Referring to miserliness: As tight as a gnat's chuff. Wouldn't spend Christmas. Still has his communion money. Referring to heat: Hot as the hobs of Hell (because sweating so much) If it wasn't for the sheugh (ditch) in my arse, I'd be drownded. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Brendy Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:59 AM Well, apparently he admitted to being drunk: "I may be drunk madam, and you are ugly. But I will be sober..." or words to that affect. I wouldn't think that he was pissed, though. B. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Grab Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:58 AM There's a few good flying proverbs:- "Try to keep your number of landings equal to your number of takeoffs." "There's old pilots, and there's bold pilots, but there's not many old, bold pilots." "In the ongoing battle between aircraft and the ground, the ground has yet to lose." "It's always better to be on the ground and wishing you were in the air, than in the air wishing you were on the ground." A Mark Knopfler lyric:- "Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug." And untold number of Blackadder-isms:- "[She] goes like the privy door when the plague's in town." "If I should die, think only this of me - I'll be back to get you!" Grab. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Kim C Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:56 AM I watched a program about Churchill where his secretary said he had a speech impediment, and that she never saw him drunk. I wonder if said speech impediment led people to believe he'd been drinking when he hadn't? But I digress. Carry on, mates. :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Brendy Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:52 AM "I didn't come up the river in a bubble". B. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mbo Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:50 AM One of my favorites: "I haven't passed through fire and death just to bandy crooked words with a serving man till the lightning falls!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Brendy Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:46 AM That 'drunkard' was Sir Winston Churchill, and the 'woman' was Lady Astor (I think), who shouted those immortal words at the Prime Minister from the Public Gallery of the House of Commons, at the end of one of his speaches. It was some all-night debate in the Commons, and Sir Winston had been sipping the old G & T's during this time. B. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:40 AM Never wash up unless its fish! and No point in doing any dusting because after the first three months it doesn't get any worse (Both Quentin Crisp) I know this is an old one and a joke rather than a proverb but anyway....
Woman to drunkard: You sir are drunk! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Tony in Sweden Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:32 AM Carol C. I suppose it all depends on whether you would trust him! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Brendy Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:11 AM Some people are as odd as a bottle of chips. Some others are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. And there are times when I'd be dead if I had the wit to stiffen. B. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:07 AM deaf as a haddock Numb as a hake going like the hammers of hell hotter than the hinges of tofit |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:04 AM Useless as a trap door in a canoe homely as a bucket of armpits He'd be over his head in a parking lot puddle so stupid, he was the villege idiot in three towns a face that would stop an 8 day clock " " " turn a funeral procession up an alley cold enough to freeze two dry rags together. My friend Gordon, who never cusses says: "Shift or get off the pike." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Dharmabum Date: 07 Sep 00 - 08:44 AM As useless as a screen door in a submarine. As funny as a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward. When they were passing out looks he/she thought they said books & said "give me a scary one". The most important rule in life is to be sincere,& once you learn how to fake that you've got life by the b*lls. & my favorite It's easier to get forgivness than it is permission. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Crazy Eddie Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:59 AM I omitted "A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp" " One more brain cell, & he'd be a plant" True story! One guy I worked with got sacked after repeated warnings. Someone said he should have been given another chance. The boss immediately replied: "As sure as God made little green apples, that guy had more bites of the cherry than you can shake a stick at." Got three metaphors mixed in one sentance, and couldn't understand why people were grinning. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:58 AM On the subject of "a face like ..." A face like a bulldog chewin' wasps A face like a bulldog pissing on a nettle A face like a wet binbag A face you'd never grow tired of slappin' One of my granny's sayings "Beauty is only skin deep ... but ugliness goes right to the bone." A variant on "shit or get off the pot" is a saying my da used to use: "Die dog, or shite the licence!" Variants on the "as thick as two short planks" theme: "There's air getting in." "The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor." "A few twigs short of a nest" "He doesn't know shite from custard." "He doesn't know whether he's livin' or stuffed." "The lights are on, but nobody's home." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:31 AM A face like a smacked a*se |