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BS: Your Nominations Please
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: bill\sables Date: 13 Feb 01 - 04:43 PM You talk about Roundabouts or Trafic circles in the US. You should see the bloddy things over here in the UK, they are everywhere. You can be driving down a straight road when suddenly they have put a roundabout there. In Goole East Yorkshire there is a road without any turns or junctions but there is a roundabout in the middle of it. I think some town planner went up in a helecopter and dropped round pieces of paper and where they landed they built a roundabout. Then there are the painted white circles about a yard across which also act as roundabouts. And of course we have the trafic calmers, which are either bumps in the road which can wreck your suspension of chicanes where you have to drive on the other side of the road. They are so bad in Cawood, North Yorkshire that the ambulance drivers refuse to carry anyone wiyh a spinal injury out of the village for fear they cause more problems. The councils say they are to curb kids stealing cars for joy riding, why not just put the little buggers in a Borstal for five years, that would stop them. Now we come to the trains; just today it took sixteen and a half hours for passengers to get between Newcastle and Plymouth, a few weks ago it took nine hours from London to Nottingham. They have blamed it on leaves on the line or the wrong sort of snow. Are we going backwards, I hope so, because it was so much quicker when we had steam trains and we always got there on time. I think there are too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. (no disrespect for the native ammericans intended)They sit on their fat arses infront of computers and earn obcene ammounts of money while the commuter, who pays their wages, is left stuck on a train not going anywhere. I can't understand how in an age of fast communications and education when we can put a man on the moon, we still can't get a train to run on time. George Stephenson must be turning in his grave. Bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Kim C Date: 13 Feb 01 - 03:08 PM but I like underwear. That's another thing I collect. ;) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bert Date: 13 Feb 01 - 12:55 PM You're right Bill, you'll always find one local authority that will opt for a traffic circle because it's cheaper than the clover leaf that the junction really needs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Amos Date: 12 Feb 01 - 08:51 PM My vote is for women's underwear; what a waste of talent! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bill D Date: 12 Feb 01 - 07:35 PM bert...the Wash DC area has LOTS of 'roundabouts'...we call'em traffic circles...and they vary quite widely as to their design and usefullness...some are fine and some are close to deathtraps...you should see a couple of the 'double circles' with crossover traffic!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Feb 01 - 07:00 PM Alex, you're right about "teenager". Now, when _I_ was a teenager, there WERE no teenagers. The teenager was only invented after WW2. Before that you had kids, and boys and girls, and then you had adults. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: Superfluous! From: Bernard Date: 12 Feb 01 - 04:37 PM How about the regulation that means a packet of peanuts has to bear the warning: 'May contain traces of nuts'... as if!! Or the legend seen upon jars of 'Nescafe Original' which says 'New, improved flavour'! How can that be? No, my prize would go to the inventor of the 'cyber pet'! That guy must be laughing all the way to the bank... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Kim C Date: 12 Feb 01 - 03:30 PM I forgot the bread machine. However, this is coming from someone who just likes to get her hands in the dough. I realize this is a useful thing for people who maybe can't eat storebought bread because of food allergies and the like. I think perhaps we have deteriorated into a discussion of things we find annoying that are not necessarily useless to the people who own them. There is a difference. :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bert Date: 12 Feb 01 - 02:18 PM Oh, sorry Alex, I was forgetting that Americans haven't heard of the 'roundabout'. A perfect solution for dealing with road junctions. You just merge into the traffic on the roundabout, the same way that you merge onto a freeway. But I must admit that I have seen traffic lights on the onramps to freeways here and there. But only in America. Bert. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Wesley S Date: 12 Feb 01 - 01:34 PM I would like to nominate the Electoral College for obvious reasons, the no parking zones in front of grocery stores because everyone ignores them, and the Marshall Stack amplifer because of the ways that they are abused. TV infomercials too. I'm sure I can think of others. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: GUEST,khandu Date: 12 Feb 01 - 01:25 PM Southern Ohio! (It isn't a 20th Century invention, but still...) khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Kim C Date: 12 Feb 01 - 01:19 PM Alcohol-free beer. I have a cordless phone. Not because I don't have time to sit down and talk, but because I don't want to get tangled up in the cord. Phone cords always seem to be either too long or too short and so sorry but I don't have a choice about where my phone jack is. I have a cell phone. It has come in handy, especially when I was traveling just after my father died. People needed to get hold of me and that was the only way. Also when I am stuck in traffic (which seems to happen a lot more lately - last Friday it took me 90 minutes to get home, and it's only 9 miles) I can call Mister and say, I'm going to be late so don't worry about me. It has voice mail just because the plan came with it, not because I'm that important. :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 12 Feb 01 - 01:15 PM Ya' know JP, that IS right up there!!! And for a bill and a half you'd think they could have gone with a 45 peghead. Then again, for the true nut..............geeziz, I can't believe I'm analyzing this worthless piece of crap!!! Completely useless!!! Of course 'Musicman' now has my own contribution to this category, the "Amish-Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner.".......I gotta' stick a picture of that thing in here somehow. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Justa Picker Date: 12 Feb 01 - 12:53 PM Here's something totally useless I just discovered on E-Bay. The ultimate desktop decoration for every guitar nerd in the world. Yeah right!... and the current bid if you can believe this, is $150.00. Clicky |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Mrrzy Date: 12 Feb 01 - 12:41 PM Spaw, there was a hysterical column in the Washington Post a few years ago now, about someone's initial encounter with a talking car alarm. I remember the line "so I did what any red-blooded male American would do... I baited it!" - so here's the guy not touching the car while the car howls Don't Touch Me... it was really very funny. But my nomination would be for "PC" words that already existed but have to be re-invented for the new generation, or something. Like Wellness when we already have Health. Or come to think of it, pretty much the whole PC movement. Sapir-Whorf had nothing on this. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: mousethief Date: 12 Feb 01 - 12:39 PM I must protest. Electric nose hair trimmers are a godsend for people like me who grow nose hair like the Dutch grow tulips. Traffic lights?! Ah yes much better to let people just drive through every intersection and slam into somebody. Or have stop signs at every interesection. Now THAT will speed up traffic. What are you people thinking?!!!! Most worthless invention of the 20th century definitely has to be the teenager. Before the 20th century we didn't have a whole class of unemployed, whiny, self-absorbed, pubescent fools. When you were old enough, they gave you a shovel or a pick or whatever, and you were an adult. The concept of "teenagers" as a class, as a purchasing bloc, whatever, is 20th century in origin, and worth than useless, it's harmful. Old fart, ain't I? Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 12 Feb 01 - 12:30 PM The video camera. There was no call for it ever to be released into the hands of the general public. Is it possible to hate a television show so much that you want to smash the screen when you inadvertently stumble across it? Well, that's how much I hate home video shows where some evil parent sends in a tape of their child plummeting over a cliff, or their cat farting, just so as they can pick up 100 quid. That, and shows that begin "The World's Worst..." or "When Cars Go Mad". Grrrr. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Les from Hull Date: 12 Feb 01 - 12:18 PM I nominate gaming machines in pubs. Jukeboxes are bad enough but the non-musical noises that those electronic no-armed bandits make! Cringeworthy! And almost as bad is the crowd of neanderthals you get round them offering each other 'advice.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bill D Date: 11 Feb 01 - 06:03 PM piffle, Clinton....it merely has the ability to DO silly, useless things, like the automobile and TV and Martin guitars....properly used, it is a valuable delight.... Maybe you just spend too much time HERE! *grin* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Clinton Hammond Date: 11 Feb 01 - 05:32 PM Most useless? the internet... hands down |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: GUEST,kendall Date: 11 Feb 01 - 05:31 PM Rock music...Rock is to music what the Etch a Sketch is to art. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bert Date: 11 Feb 01 - 02:37 AM Thanks Squeaks me darlin' for choosing one from the 19th Century. 'cos mine is from the same era. I get to name it though because people are still stupid enough to keep using the things - TRAFFIC LIGHTS. Now the whole purpose is to keep the traffic moving so what do they do? The STOP THE TRAFFIC!!!! F&(%ing brilliant!!! Oh, and don't get me started on stereo. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Morticia Date: 10 Feb 01 - 10:12 PM Did anyone else notice that Big Joe's story had an Alice's Restaurant quality to it?Gotta go change underwear ( again)......you guys are the best.....wierd, but the best! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 10 Feb 01 - 10:04 PM Ya' know Bill, I knew a guy who tried to drink Canada Dry.......almost did it too. Big country though. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: campfire Date: 10 Feb 01 - 09:58 PM Thanks, all, I needed a laugh tonight and got one. Several, actually. Brain isn't working adequately to come up with onw of my own, though. campfire |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bill D Date: 10 Feb 01 - 09:54 PM we used to drink that occasionally...Canada Dry water |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: GUEST,khandu Date: 10 Feb 01 - 08:50 PM ALPHA POWDERED WATER!!! No kidding. Check here (No, I am too ignorant to make a blue clicky!) http://www.homestead.com/kkhandu/alpha.html And, NO, we are NOT the same khandus! khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 10 Feb 01 - 08:29 PM Your mind is whupped up Joe from ingesting the toxic crap on your fruit......better buy one! (I was of the same opinion when I first saw them too) Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: poor lonesome boy Date: 10 Feb 01 - 08:26 PM dang-nabbit, I hate when I do that |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: poor lonesome boy Date: 10 Feb 01 - 08:25 PM I was in the grocery store this afternoon picking up my usual Saturday supplies of fireworks and porn when I somehow happened to be in the produce isle. And it was an isle of sorts. Just a little island in a discount food store in the middle of a bland Canadian winter town where the smell of tropical fruits sends you off to shores far from icy snowbanks and wind. There I was, happy to be alive in a century where, for free, one could stand for moments in a fresh garden of fruits and veggies from far off lands. In the middle of my oasis was a display of bottles and spray bottles and I hunkered in for a closer look. What else you gonna do while you're just standing there breathing anyway? Well, to get to the point of my story, there were these bottle and squeezies all piled up high, and they were called TIPS. What they were, ya see, were containers of specially designed, state-o-the-art fruit cleansers, to wash yer fruit and veggies in so you don't inhale any of that dreaded poison laquered on there by farmers so the worms and such don't spoil yer food. I had a look on the back, as I happen to do with such things when standing in the fresh produce section breathing and such and saw that this miracle product was comprised of water and a pinch of baking soda of some sort. I was sort of dumbfounded that not only would someone ruin my isle by plunking this stuff down here for a price, but that I took the time to investigate. Somehow I wasn't so pleased to be born into such a beautiful time after all, tropical Canadian paradise be damned. I bought my fireworks, porn and left. TIPS. that's my nomination. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: poor lonesome boy Date: 10 Feb 01 - 08:24 PM I was in the grocery store this afternoon picking up my usual Saturday supplies of fireworks and porn when I somehow happened to be in the produce isle. And it was an isle of sorts. Just a little island in a discount food store in the middle of a bland Canadian winter town where the smell of tropical fruits sends you off to shores far from icy snowbanks and wind. There I was, happy to be alive in a century where, for free, one could stand for moments in a fresh garden of fruits and veggies from far off lands. In the middle of my oasis was a display of bottles and spray bottles and I hunkered in for a closer look. What else you gonna do while you're just standing there breathing anyway? Well, to get to the point of my story, there were these bottle and squeezies all piled up high, and they were called TIPS. What they were, ya see, were containers of specially designed, state-o-the-art fruit cleansers, to wash yer fruit and veggies in so you don't inhale any of that dreaded poison laquered on there by farmers so the worms and such don't spoil yer food. I had a look on the back, as I happen to do with such things when standing in the fresh produce section breathing and such and saw that this miracle product was comprised of water and a pinch of baking soda of some sort. I was sort of dumbfounded that not only would someone ruin my isle by plunking this stuff down here for a price, but that I took the time to investigate. Somehow I wasn't so pleased to be born into such a beautiful time after all, tropical Canadian paradise be damned. I bought my fireworks, porn and left. TIPS. that's my nomination. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Lonesome EJ Date: 10 Feb 01 - 07:16 PM Oxygen Bars. You know, the places where people go to put on a mask and breathe oxygen for $35 an hour. Talk about something out of some eco-disaster negative-utopia future vision."Hey, man, I been breathing this garbage all day...what say we hit the oxygen bar after work?" "Hi, Joe, give me the usual.hisssssss SUCK....gulp" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Liz the Squeak Date: 10 Feb 01 - 07:02 PM Morty - had I a rum and coke, it would have suffered the same fate.... How about the escape button. What does it escape from?? And that bloody stupid paperclip. I'm intelligent enough to load and start the bloody programme, why do I need help in writing a letter?? Gas lighters that cost £40. BUY A BOX OF MATCHES YOU IDIOT!!! Gas lighters that cost £40 and stop working if you so much as turn the tap on in the same ROOM!...... Anything from an Innovations Catalogue. Except the lawn spikers, they were fun, especially if you put them on inside out. Flavoured, coloured or Glow in the dark condoms. WHY? I don't want a glowing green mint flavoured willy waving at me, it's bad enough seeing the original! The bustle. OK so it's the previous century, but what the heck. You want a woman with a big bum? Stop making fat girl jokes!!! The public address system. Is there one in the enire world that is audible and coherent?? Child proof medicine bottles that only 4 year olds can open.... need I go on??? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Morticia Date: 10 Feb 01 - 06:44 PM Spaw, I just ejected what had been a damn fine rum and coke, all over my damn keyboard.....ROTFPMP (rolling on the floor peeing my pants).......you are gonna catch it big upside the ear when I lay my hands on you! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Justa Picker Date: 10 Feb 01 - 03:11 PM And nooooooooo.....you can't use the one in the fridge. Got to be a new box! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Justa Picker Date: 10 Feb 01 - 03:10 PM Buying a box of baking soda + pouring it in the garbage.
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Katcina Date: 10 Feb 01 - 03:01 PM SPAW~~~~ What a wonderful idea!! No better time to sit and shot the shit than while taking one. Now I must go plug in that cordless phone I got for Christmas just so I can put it to good use. Thanks!! Katcina |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Metchosin Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:52 PM not bonsai? *BG* It is a keeper Spaw! Electric Nose Hair Clippers and yes plural. My husband has a Japanese client who, as is their wonderful custom, brings gifts for the people he works with, each time he comes over for a visit.
They must have had a special in Japan on Nose Hair Clippers one week or he has a short memory or indeed views us as right hairy bastards, because has twice been presented my husband with a wonderfully wrapped gift of Nose Hair Clippers.
Its pretty scary when my husband comes at me, armed with one in each hand.
We've tried to come up with other uses for them, such as using them on our long-haired dogs, when they have the occasional bout of shit bum or perhaps to remove the pulpy stem from strawberries. Any other suggestions would be most welcome.
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: SINSULL Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:34 PM I don't know Spaw - mayube Johnny Depp shouldn't play Cletus, after all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Justa Picker Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:18 PM "ROTFLMAO" 'Spaw. Thanks. This story made my day! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:15 PM Odd that you should mention the "CLAPPER" JP; and the voice simulators too are mentioned..........All ties in nicely with this story about Paw and Cletus testing the Orgasmatron Implant which I posted yesterday on another thread. Paw and Cletus were getting paid to test the male version of course and I guess the guys in the research department figured they had found just the right guys to test some of the stranger ideas. Now Paw had one that had a little voice simulator and when he got aroused, just prior to orgasm, it would shout! It'd have been a lot better if they hadn't picked up a surplus unit from some Japanese Video Game company, because what it yelled was "BANZAI!" That's enough to put almost anybody off, but when the damn thing shorted out and started giving him orgasms at random intervals only seconds apart............well it wore him out pretty quickly and I gotta' tell you it was truly pathetic to see him lying there on the ground, totally wasted, with his willy popping up and making a little tent in his bibs every few seconds. Of course the little Japanese voice gizmo kept right on screaming "BANZAI" but Ol' Paw just laid there, dick poppin' and body twitchin'. Cletus may have had it worse though. Evidently they must have had some idea about TV Marketing or something, because the model Cletus had was wired up to a Clapper. This wasn't too bad until Clete showed up at a rock concert and the applause was triggering the damn thing all the time. He ran up on the stage and tried to get people to stop, but he ended up in jail for "Indecent Exposure." They threw him in with a bunch of drunks that were going through the DT's and everytime one of them slapped themselves or the wall, Cletus went off. By the time they took him to the arraignment, he was barely able to stand and when he fell on the floor, the judge whacked down his gavel and of course.................He was lucky the company testers showed up. The judge gave THEM 6 months for "Corrupting a Congenital Idiot." Spaw
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Banjer Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:10 PM Voice mail on cell phones....The person you are trying to reach sees himself so damn important that he is willing to spend all the money to maintain a cell phone. WHY?? So HE can be reached wherever he is....That's why!!!So why is it when you call his number you a messge to leave a voice mail? How dumb is that?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 10 Feb 01 - 02:03 PM Oh I got the time Katcina, but I like the flexibility of taking a crap while having a conversation. Why hang up just because you have to shit? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Katcina Date: 10 Feb 01 - 01:49 PM Cordless phones. If you dont have time to sit and hold an uninterupted conversation just put it on your answering machne for people to call back at a more convenient time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: The Shambles Date: 10 Feb 01 - 01:10 PM Public Entertainment Licenses. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: SINSULL Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:53 PM I am more offended by the recording that says"Your door is ajar". Some hack always responds "No it's a door not a jar" to which I want to scream "Shut the f**kin' door, moron!" Who the hell needs a talking alarm system to remember to close a car door????? Oh dear. I am in rare form today. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Bill D Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:47 PM little furry or knitted things to 'hide' rolls of toilet paper or tissue boxes? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Lox Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:39 PM The same could be said of any system - and the opposite (including capitalism) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Amos Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:32 PM I don't think capitalism was invented, Amergin. It is an evolutionary complex of agreements. And, let me add, I think it has plenty of uses. ABuses, also. But surely more useful than, say, the Malibu Barbie.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Amergin Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:23 PM Capitalism....the tv set...pop "music".....the bodhran.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Justa Picker Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:20 PM The Clapper |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Lox Date: 10 Feb 01 - 12:14 PM I ordered a Pizza last night, and was tickled to notice that it had a warning on it in big red letters. It said: "Warning, hot Pizza inside". It reminds me of the Douglas Adams book "So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", in which wonko the sane concluded that the world had indeed gone mad because toothpick wrappings came with "instructions for use" printed on the side. lox |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: vindelis Date: 10 Feb 01 - 10:39 AM Security alarms in general. Nobody ever responds to them, anyway. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: InOBU Date: 10 Feb 01 - 10:31 AM The US Supreme Court? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: catspaw49 Date: 10 Feb 01 - 10:08 AM When I was on the road, hardly a night went by without a car alarm going off outside the hotels. I really hate the ones with voice........."YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE CAR. PLEASE MOVE AWAY.".........Makes me want to go get a sledge hammer and beat the shit out of it.....YOU'RE A GAWDDAM CAR!!! SHUT THE FOCK UP!!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Jeri Date: 10 Feb 01 - 09:57 AM I'll have to think a bit to see if I can come up with something better than car alarms.
Two stories: I worked in DC. One morning I was outside the building I worked in and hear car alarm noises coming from an area where no cars were parked. Up in a tree was a mockingbird which had probably spent a little too much time perched near parked cars. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: Dave (the ancient mariner) Date: 10 Feb 01 - 07:34 AM Morty. I agree with you but have to include everything that goes "Beep", pagers, cash registers,cellphones, banking machines, watches, games and many other little electronic bastards that cause stress. Ever stand in line when a pager or cellphone rings? twenty people are checking theirs trying to figure out what/who beeped? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Your Nominations Please From: mkebenn Date: 10 Feb 01 - 07:32 AM The karoke machine..Mike |
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Subject: Your Nominations Please From: Morticia Date: 10 Feb 01 - 07:15 AM For the single most USELESS invention of the 20th Century? Having been woken up and kept awake by somebody's bloody car alarm in the early hours of this morning, I got to thinking.....what are they FOR? No-one ever goes out to see if it's their car. I live opposite a car showroom so on high days and holidays merry little beeps, buzzes and screams are our constant companion and aside from the nuisance value ( frequent in an urban area) they don't appear to me to have any deterrant qualities whatsoever. Nominee's for the most useless invention of the 20th Century will be in line for the possibility of a huge prize, also to be nominated by ourselves....my suggestion would be a gunpowder enema for the esteemed inventor....but then I haven't had much sleep and am a little tetchy! |
