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2000 Darwin Awards Announced!

Uncle_DaveO 19 Apr 01 - 06:31 PM
Amergin 19 Apr 01 - 06:38 PM
kendall 19 Apr 01 - 08:52 PM
Peg 19 Apr 01 - 08:56 PM
Burke 19 Apr 01 - 09:11 PM
SINSULL 19 Apr 01 - 09:27 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Apr 01 - 10:15 PM
Helen 19 Apr 01 - 10:35 PM
kendall 19 Apr 01 - 11:31 PM
Bill D 19 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM
Bert 20 Apr 01 - 12:06 AM
Matt_R 20 Apr 01 - 12:20 AM
Wolfgang 20 Apr 01 - 06:35 AM
MudGuard 20 Apr 01 - 07:35 AM
kendall 20 Apr 01 - 08:09 AM
Grab 20 Apr 01 - 08:57 AM
Bert 20 Apr 01 - 12:49 PM
Mr Happy 27 Aug 03 - 06:12 AM
GUEST,pdq 27 Aug 03 - 01:11 PM
JedMarum 27 Aug 03 - 04:41 PM
GUEST,pdq 27 Aug 03 - 07:24 PM
GUEST 28 Aug 03 - 01:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 28 Aug 03 - 11:44 AM
Amos 28 Aug 03 - 02:45 PM
Benjamin 28 Aug 03 - 03:14 PM
Don Firth 29 Aug 03 - 03:18 PM
Bert 29 Aug 03 - 11:09 PM
LadyJean 29 Aug 03 - 11:25 PM
Amos 30 Aug 03 - 12:33 AM
Gurney 04 Sep 03 - 05:23 AM
Mr Happy 04 Sep 03 - 07:24 AM
Burke 04 Sep 03 - 01:39 PM
Amos 04 Sep 03 - 02:21 PM
Frivolous Sal 04 Sep 03 - 02:28 PM
Little Hawk 04 Sep 03 - 04:21 PM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 04 Sep 03 - 05:10 PM
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Subject: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:31 PM

Darwin Awards for 2000....have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet NickBerrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Bridal, JR, 26, was killed February in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, OK, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off of a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, OH, in October, Marty Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. Tacoma, WA. Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 A. M. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located. ( We're not sure why he is mentioned; he apparently survived).

AND NOW, FOR THE WINNER:

1. Paderborn, Germany - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

DAve Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Amergin
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:38 PM

Oh my god....that is a real shitty way to die.....


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: kendall
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 08:52 PM

These Darwin awards are some of the funniest things I have ever seen!


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Peg
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 08:56 PM

wasn't the elephant one from a couple years ago?

Love these, too! Scary but funny; cautionary perhaps.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Burke
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 09:11 PM

I was looking for this list to provide a link. It turns out the elephant is an Urban Legend I guess anyone can make a list & call it the winners. Here's the 2000 list at the DarwinAwards site.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 09:27 PM

Did anyone else notice that apart from the unfortunate wife roped into the dynamite test by her husband, these are all men? No woman who had ever dealt with a constipated infant would have stood behind that elephant.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 10:15 PM

Burke:

Thanks for the link to the real Darwin Awards site.

I got what I posted in an e-mail, and took it at face value, which I suppose I never should have done.

They ARE funny, though!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Helen
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 10:35 PM

Hell, true or not, it's the best laugh I have had for ages.

Helen


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: kendall
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 11:31 PM

Who cares if they are true or not?


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM

hundreds of years ago, many of those candidates would have never survived long enough to breed. With the protections (and also the pitfalls) of modern society, they get these 'special' opportunities to go out in a blaze of glory.

well, I think I'll go get my charcoal grill started...I'm hungry, so I think I'll hurry it along with some alcohol and gasoline....( I keep it in my garage beside the sacks of fertilizer..)


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Bert
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 12:06 AM

Lol Sinsmeluv. Bang! Bill.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Matt_R
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 12:20 AM

Where's John Boy & Billy's Stupid Crook News?


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Wolfgang
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 06:35 AM

There is not even a zoo in Paderborn.

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: MudGuard
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 07:35 AM

It is also very unlikely that the winner would be the only non-American accident...


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: kendall
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 08:09 AM

I'd kinda like to go out with a "bang"


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Grab
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 08:57 AM

That's several years old. The Darwin Awards are quite popular these days - you'll usually get 3 or 4 new entries a month. I'm not sure if ppl are actually _tring_ to get listed these days, but some of the entries, it certainly looks like it...

Graham.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Bert
Date: 20 Apr 01 - 12:49 PM

That can be arranged Kendal! *BIG EVIL GRIN*


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Mr Happy
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 06:12 AM

AND THE NEWEST CANDIDATES: John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, the Fence was a 30 foot drop on the other side. Having heaved himself over he found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large branch which had been snagged by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into holly bushes, The sharp leaves scratched his whole body, and now being without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck.

This is when things went really bad.

Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from the trees 25 feet in the air.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 01:11 PM

How about the California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: JedMarum
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 04:41 PM

Who said Beavis and Butthead are dead??


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 27 Aug 03 - 07:24 PM

The owners of Sing Out! magazine???


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 01:08 AM

Mr. Happy, you are more than a little late... this is Fall 2003....


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 11:44 AM

This, from the Darwin Awards site:

    (7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police
         for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen
         car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation.
         This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald's actual
         thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this:
         "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I'll make them hot,
         sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through
         dark alleys and fields."

         During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade
         officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic
         handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration
         of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me.
         They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their
         heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back
         of my head, so I'll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"

         Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who
         can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn't
         flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over
         his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his
         own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

         Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's
         pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local
         hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of
         genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene
         pool.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 02:45 PM

SHot himself in the head while in hot retreat...doncha just hate it when that happens?? :>)

A


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Benjamin
Date: 28 Aug 03 - 03:14 PM

Mr. Happy, that's the best one I've heard yet! Thanks for posting that!


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Don Firth
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 03:18 PM

It's only an honorable mention, but I think my all time favorite is Lawn Chair Larry. I've had people tell me vociferously that it's an urban legend, but the Darwin Awards website and Snopes both say that it actually happened. Like any good story, it goes the rounds, has been "folk processed," and is told in slightly different versions, but the basic facts are the true.
"Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon. . . ."
                               —The Fifth Dimension
Don Firth


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Bert
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 11:09 PM

And doncha think John Denver should get an award. Here's this guy who has had his driving license suspended because he was not considered responsible enough to drive a car. So he gets in his plane and doesn't check the gas tanks.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: LadyJean
Date: 29 Aug 03 - 11:25 PM

Hollowfox and I went to the Cleveland Science Center to see their exhibit on the treasures of China. (Serious major league big time WOW!!!!) There was a display on the history of Chinese fireworks, including a figure of the Chinese scientist who tried to fly by attaching rockets to the back of his chair, to give him a lift off, and counting on two large kites to keep him airborne. They didn't say what happened, but I bet it hurt a lot.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Amos
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 12:33 AM

The other early winner I have always admired is the guy who tried to strap a JATO aero engine on his Buick and headed for the speed record; ending up, so it is told, as a faint smudge on the face of a bluff somewhere.

A


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 05:23 AM

There was a young man from Coombe Martin,
Who had an immaculate partin'.
He said that the knack,
was to stand back-to-back
with an elephant, just as it's... (choose your own ending)

Risky life, zookeeping.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Mr Happy
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 07:24 AM

'with an elephant, just as it's... ' startin?


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Burke
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 01:39 PM

Amos,
I hate to tell you, but your early winner turned out to be an Urban Legend.

Here's Darwin's summary.
This Darwin Award is the most popular of all time. Considered true for years, it was later debunked as an Urban Legend by the Arizona Department of Public Safety. The story fooled the judges in 1995, so JATO has been grandfathered in as a Darwin Award Winner. Officer Bob Stein of the Arizona Department of Public Safety says, "I receive inquiries several times a day about accidents, drug busts, and investigations we are conducting. About two years ago I picked up the phone and researched the answer to what has now become an Arizona myth. Even after all this time, I still receive about five calls a month from people wanting to know, did it really happen?"


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 02:21 PM

Yeayh, Wired covered a story a year ago about a young man who believes he and his young pals might have been the prototype of the Urban Legend of JATO Jack. It was a great read, but I don't remember the details.

A


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Frivolous Sal
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 02:28 PM

I often find the nominees for this award just grim, and not in the least bit humorous. Whoever gives out the award, though, looks for someone who makes a serious effort, shows inventiveness, and puts some joy into the process.
The JATO unit was my favorite, too. I am so sorry to see it go.


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 04:21 PM

The story about Pernicky and Hawkins at the Metallica concert sounds so much like something that would happen to Shane (Blind Drunk in Blind River) and his brother Don, that it's just downright spooky. I don't think Shane and Don are quite that stupid, though...or else they're luckier. One of the two fer sure, eh? I mean, there was the dynamite incident and various cases of snowmobiles going through the ice on lakes, but that's common in northern Ontario, so no big deal, eh? If yer, like, drunk enough, the hyplthermia won't kill ya, eh?


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Subject: RE: 2000 Darwin Awards Announced!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 05:10 PM

Heyyyyy! Thanks for the dishonerable mention ,man! Okay so these guys were like 2 MAJOR losers eh? But I think they must have had there good points two eh? So like heres where they went wrong...

# 1   They only had 18 beer. I figger with a 24 that Sal would of got drunk enuff that the fall would of not kilt him. Well...okay the truck kilt him.

Awright, forget about number 1!

# 2    They should of used the beer to bribe the ticket takers inta lettin em in. Some of it that is but not ALL of it. Ive met ticket takers who would let ya in fer just 2 beer. Its' a hot job to stand there all night and a beer looks good.

# 3   Like I say, they only had 18 beer. With a 24 the other guy...John Persnickety...would of been too drunk ta put the truch in geer and Sal would not of been kild.

# 4   The part about the holly up Sals' @$$ really got to me. OUCH! Eh? Geez. With more beer in the sistem it would not of hurt haff as much eh?

# 5   So...the main point here is: MORE BEER. With more beer them 2 guys would still be alive. I fippin rest my case. Don't try and crash a Mettalica concert unlest ya got at least a 2-4.

- BDiBR


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Mudcat time: 3 August 8:31 PM EDT

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