BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating

Subject: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 02:43 AM

I don't remember who it was who recommended the online folk music station KPIG.com, but it's wonderful! And they have some other cool stuff, like this advice to the diet-lorn for the holidays. Enjoy!

Aloha,
Mark


It's easy to dislike this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the FOOD POLICE come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief! Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I don't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

I have my own LIST OF TIPS for holiday eating.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 02:59 AM

Ummm...just to clarify, the reason somebody mentioned KPIG is that they host the Folkscene folk radio program. KPIG's programming is a little more country oriented, but still not bad, from what I heard.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:02 AM

Well Mark, since you're a Doctor and all, I sent this out to some friends, including some 'Catters that might miss it. These are good non-Martha, non-Weight Watcher, non-Heart Association, tips and I wanted to be sure this got out before Christmas. I'd hate to see anyone missing out on good gravy and giving their children a carrot stick memory!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:21 AM

But Mark, around here the fruitcakes have Bourbon in them!

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Morticia
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 10:59 AM

This may be the first time I have ever followed a doctor's advice and enjoyed it, thanks Mark!

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Bert
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:11 AM

Did you ever notice how women's magazines consist of half luscious recipes, and half dieting and weight loss tips;-)

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 03:47 PM

EGGNOG

24 eggs separated
4 cups sugar
2 fifths brandy
2 fifths sour mash bourbon Freshly grated nutmeg

Beat yolks and 2 cups sugar until light yellow and fluffy.
Gradually beat in brandy, sour mash and 4 quarts cream.
Beat whites in separate bowl until they hold soft peaks.
Beat in 2 cups sugar, about a tablespoon-full at a time. Beat until very firm.
Fold egg whites into remaining cream. Stir lightly into liquor mixture.
Allow eggnog to stand in a cool place for 6 to 12 hours. A stoneware crock is ideal.
Serve eggnog sprinkled with fresh grated nutmeg.
Makes about 12 quarts.

Serve left-over sour mash and single malts to them as don't cotton to eggnog.

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 03:51 PM

Yummm!!

One question though........To keep my eggs separated, should I divide them up in teams of 12 or would smaller teams be better? Will they fight a lot? And how should I separate them? Would putting them in different rooms help?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:54 PM

Oh, woe! I left out the 6 quarts of heavy cream.
Put catspaw in a separate room locked away from the booze.

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: GUEST,Mark Cohen, cleaned out too many cookies
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 07:07 PM

Actually, 'Spaw, under the new government regulations it's illegal to separate eggs.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: alison
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 07:32 PM

Here's a warning from the Ozzie bureau of statistics

Christmas is dangerous !

A little Christmas cheer for all From the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.

stay safe

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: ddw
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:26 PM

Mark,

All sound advice I'm sure — except for the fruitcake thing. That — be it laced with bourbon, sherry or dark rum — should ALWAYS be eaten with a generous slide of very old cheddar laid across the top. Cuts the sweetness, you know....

cheers and happy debauchery,

david

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: ddw
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:27 PM

Damn! that should be "slice of very old cheddar"

But I'll bet you guessed that....

david

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:34 PM

Or a slice of good blue Stilton from England. I agree, however, that a good three year old cheddar is hard to beat.
I see in the paper that a Frenchman has developed a method of adding more flavor to cheddar. Too many people think of Kraft slices or Velveeta when cheddar is mentioned, including this guy.

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: ddw
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:40 PM

Agreed, guest.... Blue anything is good with fruitcake, but Stilton is one of the best.

Kraft cheese. That's an oxymoron, isn't it?

david

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:51 PM

alison, you had me believing it until the part with the 9V batteries. That makes it urban legend for sure! Oh, and...eye sockets? Is that some kind of weird Aussie ritual? ("Eyeball. Australian for bottle opener.")

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 09:02 PM

My mention of Kraft caused me to lose my cookies. Dicho

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: ddw
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 09:35 PM

And rightly so, Dicho!

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 10:06 PM

Well Mark, it's either urban legend or, for a continent/country/island with the population of Australia, they have a very high percentage of dumbasses.

Now Ozzies, don't get me wrong, I think the Aussie sense of humor is second to none, but eye sockets? I do remember that when the crew of Dame Pattie showed up in Newport, they were a veteran crew in their 30's and 40's racing guys in their 20's (except for skippers). Sadly, Dame Pattie should have been named Damn Pity because it was one of the slowest 12 Metres ever. But the Aussies came to town with T-Shirts saying, on the front--"We may be slow but we're good" and on the back--"Daughters, guard your mothers."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: KPIG's tips for holiday eating
From: rangeroger
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:23 PM

Mark, I was the one who recommended KPIG. Most of the DJs are friends of mine as they also run Hog Ranch Radio, our radio station at Strawberry Music Festival.

Praise The Lard

David, you could have a slide of cheddar chesse. And your guitar strings would be a cheese slicer when you played.

rr