BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming

Subject: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 09:15 AM

This Usenet set of commandments is easily adaptable to website discussion forums for your enjoyment.

THE TWELVE COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING

Written by: David Byrnes

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of .........."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From alt.mud.lp to alt.cuddle to rec.animals to news.admin, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a dick. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, |Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, |Didley."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'".

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with ..........."

The Golden Rule of Flaming: My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 11:58 AM

Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

That should be "ad nauseam", and "veni, vidi, vici".

Smartasses should always double-check their spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:38 PM

Thanks, Guest 1. I enjoyed seeing these insights. Nice metastatements.

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Coyote Breath
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:41 PM

borring!

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Big Mick
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 02:13 PM

Ignore

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 02:35 PM

Oh, come on GUEST - you can waste more of your time than that - really, how many threads have you started today? Feel free to attempt to prove to us that you use your brain. We'll never believe it, but feel free try. It really is appreciated and frankly, encouraged.

One note: the standardized tests you mention don't all have perfect scores of "800," Even the SAT has two parts each of which has a total of 800 points. But CLEARLY you wouldn't know that...

Oh and by the way, my good friend Brian Hillis is now in the process of hunting you down.

pax yall

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Apr 02 - 04:38 AM

Interestingly, the Mudcat does not experience most of the flaming rules.

Therefore, do we only attract inexperienced flamers or do our flamers lack the skills? Can they even BE called flamers?

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 14 Apr 02 - 02:16 PM

I thought it was pretty amusing

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Apr 02 - 02:28 PM

Guest
smart arses know that what Ceasar really said when he first clapped eyes on Bodicea (Oh Ok Boodicca) was "vidi, vici, veni".
smart arses will already know the joke so I leave it as an excercise for the students.....

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Apr 02 - 09:09 PM

Well, actually, I think we've seen just about all of them at one time or another. There's a thirteenth commandment, however, that says something about starting about thirty idiot threads in rapid succession. We've seen that one, too.

The Mudcat is still swimmin', though.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 10:07 AM

Upstream at times Don. But we are strong.

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 16 Apr 02 - 06:47 AM

Maybe Mudcat encourages the sort of people who wouldn't stoop to such puerile pursuits. There again, maybe not

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 16 Apr 02 - 07:22 AM

So another rule is to post with irritating little inaccuracies that absolutely compel correctional posts?
Devious, devious.....

I'm with Paul - I thought it was funny too.

Kris

Subject: RE: BS: 12 Commandments of Flaming
From: MudGuard
Date: 16 Apr 02 - 07:40 AM

Blackcatter wrote: Oh, come on GUEST - you can waste more of your time than that - really, how many threads have you started today? Feel free to attempt to prove to us that you use your brain.

GUEST wrote: 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!

Both together: did anyone see that brain? Does it therefore exist? ;-)