BS: Canadian Joke

Subject: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 01:32 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Okay it goes like this eh?

What does a Canadian ghost do?















Give up????










It says "BOO!, eh?"




Ha ha ha! Thank me for the laugh by sending pictures of Shania Twain to Box 69, Blind River, Ontario, CANADA. I'll except pidtures of Pamela Anderson too.

Desent eh?

BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: mack/misophist
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:15 PM

When it's 3:30 pm in New York, what time is it in Canada?

























1957

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:58 PM

Q: If Canada had been in the Iraq War, how many tanks would have been sent?

A: Both of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 11:38 PM

Right on, Cluin! That's how we can afford universal health coverage. :-)

At least we don't have a national leader who talks out of both sides of his mouth (old in joke...you gotta be Canadian to get it).

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 11:50 PM

But not for much longer, LH... on BOTH counts.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 12:17 AM

Yes, you're probably right about that...what strange beast (shudder) is going to shamble in next, I wonder? I wish Mike Harris would go and join the Bush cabinet and get out of Canada for good.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:14 AM

Hey, Little Hawk, you can send Gordon Campbell as well. My husband did his income tax today, and because we are in a fairly comfortable salary range (the advantage of being old), he got a tax cut, which we damned well didn't need or want.

But he also found that he got less of a tax break for charitable deductions than he used to!

So -- give a tax break to those who make a lot of money, and make damned sure they don't give any to charity.


Help us all.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:42 AM

Harris?

Ernie Eves is going to prove even worse I think.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 02:51 AM

Our navy could beat the Iraqi navy, even if we had to get gas from a USA tanker.....

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 04:54 AM

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:11 PM

Sounds like someone's father needs a good kick in the ass...

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 06:20 AM

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 08:38 PM

A young man who has just gotten a job in a supermarket is tidying the produce when a woman comes up & asks him for half a head of lettuce. I'm sorry, ma'am, he says, but we only sell whole heads. But the lady insists ever more vehemently, so the young man says he'll ask the manager. He goes & finds the manager, and says "There's a crazy bitch over there who wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Turning to point, he finds she has followed him & is standing right behind him, so he adds, "And this lady wants to buy the other half." Later on, the manager says to him, "That was *very* smooth. You clearly have management potential." Sure enough, a year later, the manager says, "We're opening a new store in Kitchener, Ontario, and we're thinking of having you run it." "Kitchener, Ontario!" exclaims the young man, "Why, there's nobody in Kitchener, Ontario, but whores & hockey players." "I'll have you know," says the manager, "that my wife comes from Kitchener." "Really!" says the young man, "What team does she play on?"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:27 PM

(chuckle!) That guy ought to serve as Middle East negotiator to settle the Palestinian-Israeli differences.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 04:01 AM

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.
   But just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him if he could remember what happened to him.
   "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash... and then there was a beautiful light! And then the three of us were standing at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and for a donation of 50 dollars, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
   "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
   "Last I saw of them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Jim McLean
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 06:29 AM

According to Brendan Behan, Canada will be a lovely place when it's finished.
Jim Mclean

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 07:05 AM

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We have got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She is lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he is getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 07:38 AM

Another submitted story:

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Away From Home: Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children and said it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting looked around to see exactly who Mommy was.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 03:26 AM

Both submitted from 'The Hun' i do believe, gnu

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 06:17 AM

Listen... another "GUEST" already told Mommy on me on the American Jokes (I think) thread. And then someone else pointed out that the jokes weren't strictly US (or was it not Cdn on THIS thread ?). Whatever, if I hear a resonable joke, I'll put it in. Unless a Joe Clone asks me to desist. After all, this is not a forum for jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 05:35 AM

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm JANE Sugarbrown."
The next Sunday, the pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, asking, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: The O'Meara
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 08:14 PM

For 200 years, Canada has been exposed to French culture, British politics and American technology. In that time they'e managed to assimilate French politics, American culture and British technology.

O'Meara

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 02 May 03 - 06:36 AM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 03 May 03 - 06:19 AM

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 09 May 03 - 02:03 PM

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day's race, and this time it won. The paper then read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper's headline the next day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST
Date: 09 May 03 - 02:18 PM

Just curious...why DO Canadainas say eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 10 May 03 - 08:18 AM

It's like, ah, you know, ah, like, just a quirk, ah, you follow, eh ?

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 10 May 03 - 08:20 AM

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going through the change."

Okay... submit one yourself then.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 May 03 - 08:48 AM

Canadian friend of mine who is an alchoholic decided to try drinking ginger ale instead but told me he couldn't stand the taste. I asked him if he had tried to drink Canada Dry and he replied, "Almost."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST,guest: PF
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:19 PM

Refresh

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: The O'Meara
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:38 AM

Canada decided to back the U.S. in the Iraq war after all, and sent their entire navy, army, and air force. Of course the exchange rate being what it is, that amounted to two canoes, a mountie and a couple of flying squirells...

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 15 May 03 - 06:26 AM

Q : Why do the federal buildings in Ottawa have yellow lines painted on floors of hallways, stairwells and lobbies ? A : So that the government employees leaving early don't bump into those getting in late.

The new T-1 General Tax Return reads :

How much did you make last year   $____________

Send it in.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: *daylia*
Date: 15 May 03 - 09:38 AM

Then there's the guy who got a tattoo on his organ. Most of the time it just says "TONTO", but sometimes it says "TORONTO ONTARIO". (Shania Twain might have something to do with it).

So to balance things out he got a map of Canada tattooed across his butt. Looks great, but every time he sits down Quebec separates!

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Midchuck
Date: 15 May 03 - 10:19 AM

Evy Meyer just sent me this on her mail list....

Peter.

Those Canadians...

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
finds
the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk,
frolic
a little, giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in
her ear
and she gasps and runs away. Seeing this, the madam sends over a more
experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a
little,
giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear,
and she
too screams, "No!" and walks away quickly. The madam is surprised that this
ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two
girls
will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced
lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely that
anything would
surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic
a
little, giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her
ear and
she screams, "No way, Buddy!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all
her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself
for
a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could
possibly
ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her
girls so
angry. Besides, she sees it as a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So
she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is
available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits
in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Leeder
Date: 15 May 03 - 11:50 AM

Q. Why did the Canadian cross the road?
A. To get to the middle.


Q. How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One.


Q. How do we know God is not Canadian?
A. Moses didn't come down from the mountain with The Ten Suggestions.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 15 May 03 - 06:18 PM

Oh, okay.

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian go into a pub, and each order a Labatt's. As they hoist their glasses, a fly falls into each beer. The Englishman, looking horrified, pushes his beer away. The American fishes the fly out of his, and drinks it as though nothing had happened. The Canadian picks the fly out of his beer, then shakes it over the glass, yelling "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: Cluin
Date: 15 May 03 - 09:36 PM

Man, if I only had a loony for every version of that last joke I've heard (though most of them involve an Englishman as the first one), I could buy a set of Elixirs.

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 23 May 03 - 06:46 AM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: The Walrus
Date: 23 May 03 - 07:09 PM

A joke I got FROM a Canadian:

Why do Newfies (Newfoundlanders) keep empty beer bottles in the 'fridge?


For their mates who don't drink.



Leaving the stage to the sound of my own footsteps...

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Canadian Joke
From: gnu
Date: 24 May 03 - 07:51 AM

I witnessed that joke at a dinner party in the Codroy Valley on the southwest coast of NF. A buddy of mine put several empties in the fridge and when people asked about them he would reply that those were for his wife as she would be driving people home after the party. Finest sense of humour and zest for life I have ever had the privilege to observe was in NF.

The same lad had me in stitches for over 20 minutes after finding a brass paint scraper on a friend's lawn. Imagine that. A brass scraper ! Now, you know a fellow is lazy when he spends extra so he can leave his scraper out in the rain rather than put it in the shed when he's done... over 20 minutes. And tease ? Oh, oh, oh. And practical jokes. He would often take guests for a walk around the property after dark. He is 5'5" and many of the tree braches are trimmed so he can just walk under them.