BS: Jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 06 - 08:38 PM

"Governmentium"

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass!"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: frogprince
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 01:01 PM

Warning: very bad taste and male-chauvinist-piggery.
Acknowledgement: I got this from the movie "Prarie Home Companion.

"Why do they call it PMS ?"




"Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:45 PM

What flower grows underneath your nose?......
tulips (get it?... two lips)ha ha

By the way, what does LOL stand for? ... Lots of love, Lord Oh Lord or what? (this is not a joke so don't expect a punchline).

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: jeffp
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:48 PM

By the way, what does LOL stand for?

Laughing Out Loud

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:57 PM

Thanks jeffp

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?....
'cos it was dead

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:49 PM

Theyre thinking about deleting 'Gullible' from the dictionary

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:53 PM

Are they? Why?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 06:02 PM

Geordie Peorgie;
The best way to do that one is to say to someone 'Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?' And then watch them look it up. It almost always works.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 08:47 AM

A neurobiology graduate student was working on his dissertation, and went to a brain store to get some brains to complete his lab study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular store, and questions the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" he asks.

"$3 an ounce," the shopkeeper says.

"That's not too bad," the biology student says, considering his budget. "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"$12 an ounce," the man says.

The student thinks about the cross-section he needs to make his study rigorous and asks, "OK, how much for a fundamentalist right-wing politician's brain?"

The proprietor lifts an eyebrow and proclaims, "$1,800 an ounce."

"Why is that kind of brain so much more?" the shocked student asks.

"Listen, pal," the busy shopkeeper says. "Do you have any idea how many fundamentalist right-wing politicians we have to harvest to get one ounce of brain?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 09:06 PM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Sep 06 - 06:20 PM

Two Kerrymen were walking to the pub when they come across a Kerrywoman with a punctured bicycle, so one of the men stops to help, while the other one carries on to get the pints in.

Any way the helpful Kerryman fixes the puncture, and the woman’s so pleased, she lies down on the ground and pulls her knickers off and says, “You can have anything you want.” So he picks up the bicycle and off he goes to the pub.

So later when the helpful Kerryman gets to the pub he tells his friend what had happened “Sure you did the right thing,” says his pal. “The knickers wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 06 - 04:20 PM

"Golf Tidbits"

In primitive society, when native tribes
beat the ground with clubs and yelled,
it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his
mind off his work soon takes up work
to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now
it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard,
straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf
game: take lessons, practice constantly --
or start cheating.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy
because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people
in the world are those in front of you, and the
fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with
disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with
three friends, play eighteen holes, and
return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other
four letter words were taken.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Pseudolus
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 02:57 PM

A doctor looks at his patient and says, "Well I have good news and I have bad news, what would you like to hear first?" The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."