'Gag' Song Titles

Subject: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: musicmick
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 01:14 AM

I am collecting "gag" song tiltles like "I USED TO KISS HER ON THE LIPS BUT IT'S ALL OVER NOW" and "I KISSED HER LIPS AND LEFT HER BEHIND FOR YOU" or, even, "HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?"
or, my favorite "I'M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU, IT'S ALMOST LIKE HAVING YOU HERE".

There must be lots of them out there.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Helen
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 01:21 AM

An Oz pop song a couple of decades ago was called "If you leave me, can I come too" by a band called Mental As Anything.

Helen

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: alanabit
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 04:27 AM

There are some great threads on this subject here already Mike. I always liked, "My wife ran off with my best friend - and I really miss him."

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 09:49 AM

The list of country titles, below, has gone around at various times in email.

A few I have noticed:

You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly (Conway & Loretta)
Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart (Johnny Cash, and every line is a variant. On a live recording-- you can hear the audience cracking up.)

~S~


All I Want From You Is Away
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the Way to Sears
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm Under the Table Over You
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You
I've Been Roped and Throwed By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me
She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles
Is It Cold In Here, or Is It Just You?
We Used to Kiss on the Lips, But It's All Over Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
Thanks to the Cathouse, I'm in the Doghouse With You
I Would Kiss You Through the Screen Door But It'd Strain Our Love
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
You Were Only a Splinter as I Slid Down the Banister of Life
Did I Shave my Legs for This?
I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me
She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart
I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade
If Whiskey Were a Woman, I'd Be Married for Sure
I Sat Down on a Beartrap (Just This Morning)
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
Mama, Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)
Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim is Getting Better
If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: fretless
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 11:43 AM

Highwoods String Band used to do "Run to the Roundhouse, Sally, the Boys Can't Corner You There."

I didn't see the old favorite "I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on My Back and Crying in My Sleep Over You" in WYSIWYG's list.

Calvin Trillin included a whole bunch of absurd country music song titles in his book "Runestruck." Now out of print, alas.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: breezy
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 11:53 AM

She sits among the cabbages and peas



Folkclub this Friday 17th Oct at the Comfort Hotel, St Albans with Johnny Collins as the maine feature

n/w El Greko

week after,31st Oct Roy Bailey

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 02:25 PM

Feed Your Babies Onions So You Can Find Them in the Dark.

~S~

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: alanabit
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 02:41 PM

A Texan friend of mine, who is a big country fan, once played me a delightfully corny song called, "Let's do something cheap and superficial." I was impressed!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 03:09 PM

How about "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 03:43 PM

"Don't cry for me Marge and Tina"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Homeless
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 04:06 PM

"I want to kiss her but
she won't let me"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,reggie miles
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 04:12 PM

I Gave Her The Ring, She Gave Me The Finger
The Tears Of Her Eyes Washed Out The Bridge Of Her Nose
I Knew You Really Missed Me Darlin', When The Ashtray Flew Past My Head

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Nancy King at work
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 04:28 PM

"She locked me in the trunk and now I'm wallowing in despair"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: PageOfCups
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 04:32 PM

New one from Tracy Byrd: "The Drinkin' Bone's Connected to the Party Bone." Who sez they don't write songs like that any more? ;-)

PoC

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: nancyjo
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 05:00 PM

You're the Hangnail in My Life (and I can't bite you off) Hoyt Axton

(Work your fingers to the bone, what d'ya get?) Boney fingers; Hoyt Axton

I've got the hungries for your love (and I'm waitin' in your welfare line); Buck Owens

It Was Always So Easy To Find an Unhappy Woman ('till I started looking for mine); Moe Bandy

My tears have washed I love you from the blackboard of my heart; Hank Thompson

(O Lord) I want my rib back; Kenny Chesney

And the wonderful Lane/Lerner song from Royal Wedding -- How could you believe me when I said I loved you when you know I've been a liar all my life.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:59 PM

Sounds a bit crude, but it's supposed to be a real song:

"If I Can't Be Your Number One Then Number Two On You!"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 10:46 PM

My Canary has circles under his eyes.

Robin

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 11:23 PM

"If I'da killed her when I shoulda,' I'd be out now."

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: musicmick
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 12:20 AM

They are all wonderful. Well, some are more wonderful than others.
By the way, Fretless, I think that song title was "I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You".
I own a copy of "Royal Wedding" just so I can hear that "How Could You Believe Me...." song whenever I like.
Homeless, that title you suggested reminded me of "She's Got Freckles On Her BUT She's All Mine"
Once again, I thank the endless store of Mudcat trivia.

                Mike

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 12:44 AM

Well, what about Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?:-)

(I LOVE Boney Fingers!)

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 10:47 AM

There's always the old favourites:

Get off the gastove granny, you're too old to ride the range.

We met outside the pawnbroker's and she kissed me under the balls.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 11:43 AM

Didn't see the Austin Lounge Lizard's ditty "I'm Cryin' Hot-Tubs of Tears over You."

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Kevin Sheils
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 12:20 PM

I didn't notice up there

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

or

I thought my nose was bleeding but it's not

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Grab
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 12:29 PM

What, no mention of the all-time classic "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me"???

Graham.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: alanabit
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 01:41 PM

Phil Beer once told me that there is an Allan Taylor song which has the first line, "It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't love you..." I don't know how the rest of it goes, but it's a promising start!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: lady penelope
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 03:35 PM

Great stuff!!!

"she sits amongst the cabbages and leaks"

aerosmith's "My big ten inch ..... record of the band that plays the blues"

TTFN Lady P.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 03:49 PM

The King is Gone and So Are You

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Stranger
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 03:49 PM

And the Loudon Wainwright ones -
I Wish I Was A Lesbian
I Don't Think That Your Wife Likes Me

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 06:05 PM

I Spent My Last Ten Dollars On Birth Control and Beer

Living In Braintree With You In Methuen Is Almost Like Living In Lowell (which also contains one of the worst/best puns I've ever heard)

She Rode High In the Saddle Til Her Blister Broke

Bigfoot Stole My Wife

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Gorgeous Gary
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 07:33 PM

From Minneapolis-area Nate Bucklin: "I Can't Get Over You So Why Don't You Get Under Me?" and "For You, I'd Get A Vasectomy".

Also, Carla Ulbrich's "Please Do Something Stupid" (as in, "Won't you please do something stupid/So I can get over you?".

And speaking of lobotomies, a friend of mine, Darren Zeiger penned a song called "Lobotomy" with the refrain "Thoughts of you don't bother me/Since my lobotomy".

-- Gary

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: alanabit
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 02:16 AM

I'd like to hear some of these gems!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 10:48 AM

Don't Let Your Big Mouth Take Where Your Feet Can't Walk You Out
Don't Telephone, Don't Telegraph, Tell A Woman
I'd Rather Loan You Out Than Let You Go
She's Not Rose, But She's Not Bad, And Rose Isn't Here
Time Wounds All Heels
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, And All Night Long It was Honer and Offer
You're Out Doing What I'm Home Doing Without
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
and
Don't Yell Through The Screen Door Mother, You'll Strain Your Voice.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 02:08 PM

Hard to find one that's not Country. How about Mose Allison's "Your Mind's On Vacation But Your Mouth Is Working Overtime".

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: musicmick
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 06:16 PM

Nice collection we're amassing. The other night, someone sang a song called "I Think Your Wife Is Cheatin' On Us".

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: reggie miles
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 07:45 PM

Lady P., Here's some hickstory. That Big Ten Inch, Record.... song was actually a hit by Bull Moose Jackson and his Buffalo Bearcats way back before those Aerosmith dudes were probably not much more than a twinkle in their collective parental units' eyes, about fifty years ago.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: freightdawg
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 07:59 PM

Don't know if its urban legend or for real, or whether its a title or just a phrase, but an old friend spoke of a country song he said had the phrase:

"if the lights are all flashin' and the bars are all down, then don't blame the wreck on the train"

pretty good advice.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,NH Dave
Date: 17 Oct 03 - 08:05 PM

or
   Dropkick me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life, Paul Craft and sung by Bobby Bare.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 02:26 AM

Refresh

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Barbara
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:25 AM

Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Ain't Been No Trash In My Trailer Since the Day I kicked You Out
(I'm Just a) Possum In the Headlights of Your Love
Our Only Good Years Were the Tires on the Car
In the Elevator of Life, I got the Shaft
You Stomped Upon My Heart and Squashed that Sucker Flat

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Leadfingers
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:40 AM

UK based 'Fun' Band called Cocky (which had Keith Calton of instrument case fame in it) had a Vinyl entitled 'Twelve inches of Cocky ' back in the good old days .

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,yorkie
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:52 AM

Here's one that I'm rather ashamed to quote (and I quote it far too often). It is said to have been recorded by willie Nelson, though that may imply an equally tasteless joke ....

"Tears on my Pillow (are the only wet spots in my bed)"

And here's one said to have been recorded by Gene Autry!

"I Still Write Your Name in the Snow".

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: JennyO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 08:06 AM

musicmic, your collection would not be complete without this compilation song made up of country music titles, written by Martin Pearson (a very funny man) and John Thompson (currently of Cloudstreet). Their performances of this have brought the house down every time. Thanks Sandra for putting it in another thread :-)

THE COUNTRY SONG
c. Martin Pearson & John Thompson

Mama, get the hammer, there's a fly on Papa's head.
I've been roped and thrown by Jesus in the Holy Ghost corral.
I fell in a pile of you and got love all over me,
But who bit the wart off Grandma's nose?

Chorus: I wanna whip your cow; I wanna whip your cow,
'Cause you just can't play a sad song on a banjo, anyhow.
You done tore out my heart and you stomped that sucker flat.
You made toothpicks from the timbers of my heart.

If the jukebox took teardrops, I'd cry all night long.
You stuck my heart in an old tin can and shot it off a log.
Well, I guess if you can't feel it, then it ain't really there,
And the last word in lonesome is "me."

Repeat chorus

If I can't be number one in your life, number two on you.
I can't get over you, 'til you get out from under him.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here,
So I flushed you down the toilet of my heart.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Inükshük
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 08:16 AM

She Was Only a Fisherman's Daughter (But Did She Reel When She Saw My Rod)

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Tracey Dragonsfriend
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 08:44 AM

There's a few by Judge Dread - Up With the Cock, The Winkle Man, Y Viva Suspenders... but the content tends to closely follow the title!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 08:53 AM

She was only a Yorkshire farmer's daughter, but she liked her
Huddersfield.

For those in the know, of course, most of these titles are pre
SPROJ. Leadfingers will explain.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Larry
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 09:53 AM

They can lock me up, but they can't keep my face from breaking out.

The Assylum Street Spankers have a number of them

If you love me, you'll sleep on the wet spot
Scrotum
and many others

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 11:08 AM

Fretless, the actual title of that song (which you narrowly missed) is:

"I've got tears in my ears, from lyin' on my back, in my bed, while I cry over you.

Which also is the first verse. and maybe chorus too.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 11:38 AM

breezy

Marrie Lloyd was forced by the Lord Cancellor and a court case to refrain from singing "Sits among the Cabages and Peas" so she changed it to "She Stands among the Cauliflowers and Leeks". They didn't prosecute the second time!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Scoville
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 12:54 PM

The Highwoods also had the title that had no tune, "Feed Your Babies Onions So You Can Find 'Em in the Dark".

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Compton
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 02:51 PM

.....You stole my wife, you Horse thief !
.....I'm so lonesome in the saddle since my horse died!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Fergie
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 03:08 PM

How about
I can't get over a girl like you, so you'll have to answer the phone yourself.

Fergus

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Terry Allan Hall
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:23 PM

A local guy, Michael Martin, has a song called "How Can I Get You Off Of My Mind (When You're Sitting On My Face)"...

Kinda tacky, but a crowd pleaser.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Cool Beans
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 07:20 PM

"She Broke My Heart in Three Places: Seattle, Chicago and New York," a real song by the Hoosier Hot Shots

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: MikeofNorthumbria
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 10:26 AM

"If I offered to peel you an orange, would you think I was taking the pith?"

Wassail!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 10:59 AM

"Five Pounds Of 'Possum In My Headlights Tonight"
                      and
"If My Nose Ran Money, Honey, I'd Blow It All On You" by Mike Snider of the Grand Ol' Opry

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,daHOFman
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 12:54 PM

RE:

Sounds a bit crude, but it's supposed to be a real song:

"If I Can't Be Your Number One, Then Number Two On You!"

-----------------------------------------
by the LATE & GREAT ROGER MILLER, NO LESS

... and I seriously doubt if Gene Autry recorded

"I Still Write Your Name In The Snow"

But Chet Atkins Did, i usta have it on a composite LP...

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,belter
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 04:51 PM

Just about any Ray Stevens song.

Prop Me Up Beside the Juke Box When I Die

There's A Tear In My Bear

Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

Friggin in the riggin

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 06:08 PM

What does SPROJ mean?

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 06:45 PM

Special Project?


A

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,mack/misophist
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 07:20 PM

Every one seems to have missed

"My Tears Have Washed 'I Love You' From the Blackboard of My Heart".

Thank You Dear Lord for Victory in Korea

should be on the list, too.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 04:11 AM

SPROJ - the Society for the Protection and Retelling of Old Jokes
and other associated similar silliness. Membership is free but by
recommendation only. All suitable old jokes are given SPROJ numbers
including variations, derivations and even deviations. Well known
jokes are told by number only, hence by calling out (for instance) the number 13b to ardent SPROJJERS, you will, if a member of the
cognoscenti,elicit at the very least a hearty chuckle. I would like
to direct to the site on the web but it got hoovered up when spring
cleaning. Yes, we have very clean springs.

Hope that clears everything up, must go now time for the electro
therapy.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 06:56 AM

Should have mentioned before SPROJ was originated by the late Dave
Houlden.

Nurse, the electrodes please!

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Snuffy
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 09:04 AM

Apparently one prospective member had to tell some jokes for an entrance examination. "48" he called: silence. "17c": not a titter. Whatever number he called out nobody laughed.

Eventually he turned to his sponsor and said "Have I picked a load of duff jokes, then"

"Nothing wrong with the jokes - it's the way you tell them"

(I forget what number that one was)

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 11:23 AM

Snuffy - Is this some sort of attempt at gaining membership by the back door? If so, it will not work, the committee will hear of this and you may be blackballed for ever.

By the way, that is basically SPROJ number one, you used the wrong
joke numbers.

The treatment is not working, more power.

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: GUEST,Gene
Date: 28 Jul 04 - 08:22 PM

http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm

a comprehensive list of REAL and IMAGINED song titles...

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: rich-joy
Date: 29 Jul 04 - 02:22 AM

wasn't there a "Nice Legs!(Shame About the Face)" in the charts some years back?? ...

Cheers!
R-J

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 08:37 AM

I just heard the opening lines of a song said to be sung by Mills and Jones, it sounded very 40/50's American. Ah! was that Spike Jones? It din't register at the time but it fits stylistically.

"Never hit your Granny on the head with a shovel, it leaves a bad impression on her mind"

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: Flash Company
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 11:34 AM

Hey, Cool Beans, I used to have the 78 of The Hoosier Hotshots singing that! The other side was 'Don't change horses in the middle of a stream (If you want to keep your britches dry!)'
How about 'They don't make Jews like Jesus anymore' by The Texas Jewboys! Real, honest!

FC

Subject: RE: 'Gag' Song Titles
From: kendall
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 06:16 AM

My favorite still is: She Won't Get Under Me 'til I get Over You.