BS: The Quick Retort

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Robin2
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 11:18 PM

Remember the days when you had to pay extra monthly charges for each phone in your house?

Ma Bell called me at least once a day trying to get me to buy that extra phone. One over-achiever kept telling me how badly I needed a phone in my bedroom. She finally said, "Look, you're in the bedroom asleep, and when you wake up, you realize there is a murdering maniac in the kitchen, standing next to the phone. Now what?"

Told her he could use the phone in the kitchen, same as everyone else.

She had the good grace to laugh, and give up.

Robin2

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 11:16 PM

Many years ago, while at the beach with my older son, a small boy (aged about 3 I suppose) started digging in the sand near me, spraying me with sand.
Me to him: "Do you have to do that?"
Him to me in a tone of great urgency and concentration, as only a 3YO boy can: "but I gotta dig!"
Me to him: "it's an inner compulsion is it?"
Him to me: "no, it's a hole"
Sarcasm is definitely wasted on 3YO old boys........
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,LDB
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 09:04 PM

Kendall:

That reminds me of one on an old Down East album I have.

A: "Heard you shot your dog. Was he mad?"

B: "He wern't to damn happy about it!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Blowzabella
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 06:34 PM

One of my favourites isn't quite a retort, since it is more of a pre-emptive, but..

Quite often I find myself holding the door open for people to pass through, who never say anything to me. So now, when they start to move away, I say 'You're welcome'. When they say 'pardon?' or, more usually 'What?' I now reply 'Oh sorry, I thought you said Thank You'!

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: mike the knife
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 12:05 PM

"Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 10:36 AM

Some years ago, when I worked for a US District Court, I had a paper on which I needed a judge's signature (so I could be paid a not-insubstantial amount of money due me). The judge for whom I mainly worked was out of town, so I went to "the duty judge".

Me (trying to be jocular): "Judge, I need your auto-giraffe on this voucher."

Judge (instantly): "Sorry, can't do it. My giraffe is a wind-up model!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 08:48 AM

One old Mainer to another,
"I'm sorry to hear you are burying your father."

"Got to, he's dead."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,Lil Aussie Bleeder
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 07:27 AM

What was that about the flasher and the jewish girl??? "They don't make lineings like they used to!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 04:32 PM

I walked into my mother's house and saw that my visiting brother had a real shiner. I said, What happened to you? He said, I was breaking a mare and she shied right into the branch of a tree. It got me just below my eye. He turned to my mother, The hand of God was on me, that's for sure. I said, Looks more like His fist.

Well, at least my mother thought it was funny.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Metchosin
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 02:41 PM

When my Uncle asked his boss for time off to attend his brother-in-law's funeral, his boss responded, "Oh, did Fred die?" my Uncle replied, "No, we just bury him once in awhile."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 02:32 PM

When my former husband worked for Pan Am, he would get questions like: "Do you fly to Buenos Aires?"
"Yes, we do."
"And do you fly back?"

"No, we actually have several thousand planes sitting in Buenos Aires."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 01:45 PM

summer complaint to a boat captain who has a mink farm,
"Tell me Captain, how often do you skin those mink"?
"More than once a year makes them nervous."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Dead Horse
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 01:38 PM

Some standard bus driver retorts (yes, I am one. No. Not a retort. A bus driver)
"How long will the next bus be?"
"Thirty foot, madam"

(On a Maidstone & District bus)
"You've got Maidstone written on the side of the bus, are you going there?"
"No lady. And I've got India written on the tyres, but I aint going there, either"

"How often does this bus run?"
"Every day, mate"

"Is this a number 51?"
"No, it's a 153 mate"
"But its got 51 on the front"
"Its also got 51 on the side AND on the back, mate. 3 times 51 = 153"
There are more.........but never mind.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 04:54 PM

A friend has a quick witted daughter who used to waitress. A wise guy said to her "Do you fuck"? she replied. "No, but my brother does, go get your sister."

I don't remember the woman who gave me this one, guy in a bar approached a single woman and said "I'd like to get into your pants." she said "What for? there is one asshole there already."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 04:45 PM

My Bro-in-law stalled at a light once and the guy behind honked like hell. B-I-L got out walked back and said, "I can lean on that horn if you want to try and get my car started."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 04:22 PM

A friend of my aunt's was pulled over by a Washington State Highway Patrol officer many years ago. The friend had been listening to the radio, and been noticed by the cop, a big guy who strolled up to the driver's window.

"You forgot to cue in the woodwinds. Keep both hands on the wheel."

And he walked back to his car and drove off.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,guest mick
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 04:09 PM

my father was driving to work early one morning.After he had been driving for a while he noticed a cop on a motorbike following him but didn't take much notice.After about ten minutes , the cop pulled up at a set of traffic lights ; as my father rolled down his window to ask the cop what the hell he wanted he noticed his indicator light was flashing and realised it must have been left on since he left home.
"When do you intend turning left " the policeman asked him sarcastically to which my dad ,who prided himself on the speed of his tongue, replied as quick as a flash " O, at Tower Bridge "(which was about fifteen miles away)
But the cop had the last laugh "Well, he said, you're certainly giving sufficient notice" and drove off leaving my old man fuming.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 08:12 AM

brucie's story reminds me of a cartoon I saw years ago - Little old lady is walking along, flasher pounces, coat held wide open. She puts down her bag, fishes out a magnifying glass & peers thru it. He gathers his coat around himself & slinks off & she continues on her way.

A different kind of retort here, but very quick thinking. Some years back a bloke was exposing himself in a department store at Bondi Junction. This chap wasn't content to just give some unsuspecting woman a look, he thought she needed to touch (be touched?) as well & draped himself across shopping bags & hands. One woman wasn't fazed - she just took hold of what was on offer & dragged him to the security office.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: jonm
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 07:41 AM

Definitely l'esprit de l'escalier myself, though not always in hindsight. However, a very good friend managed a cracker many years ago.

He was of the opinion that I was going to beat the cr@p out of him for messing with my girlfriend; I had actually decided that his friendship was of more value than hers and I was intending to tell him so. When I sat down opposite him in the pub, though, he did not wait to find out and ran.

In order to part the crowd, he yelled "Bomb Squad, coming through!" which worked. He reached the door just as someone was coming in and the door opened in his face. Blood everywhere, pouring from his nose, he turned to the pub, by now silent and watching agog and said "It's OK, folks, controlled explosion!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 05:55 PM

Two of my favourites that I stored up to use in anger, and succeeded fantastically....

to a boasting colleague 'congratulations, what do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?'

and to same colleague boasting about his sport/sex life 'Ooh, you sound like a real action man, flock hair and no genitals'.

The second retort had me fishing a colleague out of the photocopier from whence she'd collapsed laughing.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:43 PM

Best I ever heard was a story that took place in the late 60s in Plainfield, Vermont. Some local studs were driving around 'flashing' people. The driver pulled up beside a gal who was walking home from college, and the guy in the passenger seat opened his door. His pecker was out and he said, "Hey, do you know what this is?" The gal didn't miss a beat. She leaned over and said, "I think so. It looks just like a penis, only smaller."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 09:07 AM

Subtle, Harpgirl, real subtle! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 01:26 AM

Backward, turn backward,
O time in thy flight;
Just thought of a comeback
I needed last night.


I was being sexually harassed in my office once by an utter creep who was trying to get me to go out with him. He had me against a wall, with his hands on the wall on either side of me, so I couldn't get away. The whole office was watching. He had this enormous beer belly that was pushing against me, and he said, "I sure wish you'd let me get something else close to you." I looked down at his belly and said, "HOW?" The whole office cracked up; he got mad, and never bothered me again.

Incidentally, that story is from the early 80s -- I believe that that kind of harassment couldn't happen now. I hope not.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: rangeroger
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 01:13 AM

There are times when I have left a note on the windshields of vehicles whose drivers are parking impaired,stating,"I sure hope you don't fuck like you park. You'll never get it in."

rr

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 10:52 PM

Amos, I speak French--not great, but good enough for what's been written here so far. I'm from Montreal. Was just joking around. Sorry 'bout that.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: harpgirl
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 10:28 PM

ah gee Kendall, you really aren't that bad of a driver!

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Amos
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:59 PM

esprits de escaliers means thoughts one has while climbing the staircase (escalier) after the party is over-- clever comebacks that you should have thought of at the time. Nothing to do with escalators!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:26 PM

So waht about the escalator, and why does it have wit? (I'm buggin' you, McGH. It's a gift.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:22 PM

That should have been "l'esprit", meaning "wit".

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Amos
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 08:41 PM

Yeah, them spots can be a problem all right...

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 07:48 PM

They occure to me on the spot.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 06:45 PM

McGH--what's this about the spirits on the escalator?

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 06:32 PM

It strikes me this thread is actually largely about "l'espirit de l'escalier" - the clever response we think of as we are on the way out and it's too late to say them. But not too late to remember saying them...

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 02:22 PM

My personal favourite , usually in superstores, being in collision with comely members of the opposite sex and being recipient of an "Oops, sorry!"---"Don't fret,Lass--I enjoyed it!" Or, conversely, if I happen to be the one who collides "Oops, sorry!"---"Oh no problem, that's alright!" ---"Oh---in that case d'ye mind if I do it again?!?"

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Amos
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 12:19 PM

Kendall:

If Bush's salaryu is any indication, you missed it on the rise!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:11 AM

If stupid ever goes to $40.00 a barrel, I want drilling rights to your head."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Jeri
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 11:19 PM

He got me with the "hang onto the doorknob to fart" comment.
Back in '79, I once made a mistake at work and my boss said in his Louisiana drawl, "Jeri, if they put your brain in a birds ass, it'd fly backwards." Some people get too pissed off to laugh. I usually laugh too hard to get pissed off...then I steal the line.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:38 PM

You drive like old people....and then I sprayed my after-dinner coffee all over the screen. Too funny!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Cluin
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:37 PM

What's that? Like it might be the last time? ;)

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Amergin
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:22 PM

that persoanl experience, kendall? BG

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 09:57 PM

Another gross comment I once made to another driver, "You drive like old people fuck."

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Cluin
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 09:22 PM

"ANY PARTICULAR SHADE OF GREEN YOU"RE WAITIN' FOR?"

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 09:11 PM

lol Kendall.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: kendall
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 09:07 PM

Jeri, you should give yourself more credit. You could afford a higher vehicle!! LOL
Seriously. I have always appreciated your sense of humor, (among other things).

Sometimes I say things that I regret immediately, such as, at a red light recently, the guy in front of me had gone to sleep, or something, the light turned green and he just sat there. I finally stuck my head out the window and yelled "IT DONT GET NO GREENER."

My youngest daughter has a good friend who was always so thin she had to hang into the door knob to fart. Well, she had a baby, and I hadn't seen her in ages, so, when I did see her I was surprised to see that she had gained so much weight. I mean she was chubby! She commented that she had just had a baby, and big mouth me, I said "Jeez, it looks like they didn't get all of it."
I felt like a real jerk afterwards, and apologized. She said "If it had been anyone but you, I would have brained them".

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 07:57 PM

A great punster was to be locked in a closet until he could come up with a pun and a split second after the lock clicked on the door came a muffled "O pun the door"....

Nevermind...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 07:29 PM

Something like that purportedly came from Dr Johnson. He was in Scotland (he didn't think highly of the Scottish) when the horse-drawn coach he was riding in ran over a farmer's rooster. The farmer recognized Johnson as the good Dr took the dead rooster over to him. He said, "Sir, I've killed your rooster and I'd like to replace him." The farmer replied, "Suit yourself. The hens are around the back."

But that's not the story. Johnson stopped at a dining establishment in Scotland (pub?). When the meal was served, he remarked to the waitress that the food was "Ill killed, ill prepered, ill served and fit for pigs." The young lady said, "Thank you Dr Johnson. And would you be after having some more?"

Wish I had a personal one to share, but I've never said anything clever. Said a few things I got punched out for, however.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 07:17 PM

There was a great one on TV tonight - snooty lady in pub recieves dessert which is not to her liking. She argues with the chef (a young lad about 17) saying that she would not eat it and would not pay for it. She follows this up with the comment 'it should be fed to the pigs, that's all it's fit for'. Chefs' retort; 'I wish you'd make your mind up, you just said you wouldn't eat it'.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 07:12 PM

But I disagree that they're all "nasty." I think several of us told quite nice stories on ourselves.

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Hrothgar
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 07:05 PM

I thought this was going to be sonething about high speed lab experiments.

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Quick Retort
From: Mudlark
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 04:42 PM

Nice story, Peter T!