BS: So... are 'you da man'?

Subject: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:06 PM

You Da Man Test !

One for you boys!! Check to see if you're a man...


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Match Of The Day.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out
about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. 'I hope we can still be friends'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.'

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of Intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


EVALUATING RESULTS:


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!


If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.


If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, 'YOU DA MAN!'

Cut and pasted by; ttr

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Once Famous
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:15 PM

Loved this!

Oh how the feminists will squirm.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:19 PM

Jeezus. For Kong's sake! That was funny all right, but if I ever meet any creep who answers "C" to that test more than 3 times I'm gonna play some chin music for the sap and ram his ugly beezer down his gullet. A goon like that doesn't deserve to live long in my opinion. Ya don't hafta be a nance to have a few manners around dames. (You try that stuff on a she-chimp and she'll rip yer lips off, buster.)

This confirms what I always thought about most human guys. They're worse than animals. A buncha bums. Darwin had it all wrong. It's devolution that's happenin' out there if ya ask me.

Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Amergin
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:23 PM

I said C for number 10.....and I agree completely....if they don't like it they can sit somewhere else....

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Once Famous
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:27 PM

Chongo, calling them dames is worth a few "Cs" This is not the 1940s.

Broads, maybe.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 May 04 - 11:57 PM

I'm a product of my era, Martin. You know how it is. In my careless youth we hadda lotta names for females: dame, broad, ankle, chippy, bim, twist, tomato, skirt, sister, jane, girlie, chick, dolly. It went on and on.

Some of then words were sorta impolite and some weren't, but it depended on the situation. You hadda be there.

We had words for bad girls too. A "pro skirt" was a prostitute. A "worker" was a gal who takes a guy for his money (like sayin' "she's a real worker"). A moll was a gangster's girlfriend, most people still know that one. If she had "round heels" then she was a gal of easy virtue...or you could say "she skates around a lot" and it meant the same thing.

A looker or a tomatoe or a chickadee or a doll was a real good-lookin' dame.

Then you gotta work in the simian patios (or Ape-English, as it's called by some) and that's a whole other field.

Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: LadyJean
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:01 AM

I went to a party once, the hostesses had one of those Vietnamese potbellied pigs for pets. Said pig found a glass of beer on the floor, drank it, then ran around grunting because there was no more beer.
Who does that sound like?
Yep! That's right! Men really ARE pigs!

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:08 AM

you guys need help...

One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing. here are some helpful tips...

Always be polite
Even if you don't like someone, there is no need to lower yourself to their level. Be polite and courteous; show that you're the better man.

Do not curse
Swearing is a big no-no. It shows that you don't have the vocabulary to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore, it is always very crude and impolite to be vulgar.

Do not speak loudly
When you speak loudly, it raises the stress level among company. It always implies that you can't reason with people and rely on "brute force" to get your point across. It also draws attention -- negative attention.

Do not lose your temper
When you lose your temper, you are showing everyone that you can't control your emotions. If you can't even control yourself, then how can you possibly control anything else? Keep your cool at all times (it won't be easy but it is worth the effort) and people will take positive note of your levelheadedness.

Do not stare
Ogling someone is the equivalent of psychological aggression. You don't want to intimidate people for no reason.

Do not interrupt
Let people finish what they are saying before adding your comments. Interrupting others is a sign of poor etiquette and a lack of social skills. If you want to come across as egotistical, you can do so by constantly interrupting.

Do not spit
A lot of men do this almost subconsciously. Spitting is very crude and not too pretty to look at. Do not spit in public unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

Do not laugh at others' mistakes
This is perhaps one of the cruelest things one can do. When you mess up, the last thing you want is for someone not only to bring it to your attention, but to ridicule you on top of that.

Remove your hat indoors
This rule seems to have gone out the window these days. You should remove your headwear upon entering a building. Furthermore, never keep your hat on while at the dinner table. It reflects very poor etiquette.

Wait for seating before eating
When sitting down for a meal, you should wait until all the guests are properly seated and ready to commence the meal before eating. Everyone should start dining at the same time; this is a subtle but very important rule.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:11 AM

and furthermore..

Chivalry may be on life support, but it is not dead yet. Be one of the few to keep this flame burning for many years to come.

Always open doors
This is perhaps the most basic rule of male etiquette out there. It is also one of the easiest to follow so you have no reason to forget it. Whether she is about to enter your car, restaurant, club, or anyplace with a door, you should always hold it open. If there are many doors, then hold them open one after the other.

Put on her coat
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful action.

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Give up your seat
If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her.

Stand at attention
Always stand when a lady enters or exits the room. This rule has been somewhat relaxed, so you can stand upon entrance but remain seated upon exit. Nonetheless, if you can do both, you should.

Give her your arm
When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground -- especially if she's wearing high heels.

Ask if she needs anything
This is one that most guys already do, but helps complete the gentleman in all of us nevertheless. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her something to drink (or eat, depending on the event). Show her that you care about her comfort and needs.

Elevate yourself above the rabble and display the mannerisms of a true gentleman. Make sure you develoip a fondness for goats.best wishes

freda

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Amergin
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:18 AM

but is it still ok to masturbate on the bus???

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 May 04 - 01:49 AM

GUEST, freda:

I am afraid that the points in your message of 01:11 are actually dangerous for a male to attempt in today's society. I am used to holding doors for anyone, especially those having packages or children. I have been severely critisized for doing so, as "It is insulting, and implies (they ) cannot open the door". In any case, there are those to whom simple courtesy is insulting.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Amos
Date: 05 May 04 - 02:16 AM

Freda:

Very refreshing, and thanks.

I'll try to live up to your requirements, but it will be hard to give up swearing...


A

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 05 May 04 - 03:20 AM

Amos..
..don't forget the goat..best wishes

fred

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 05 May 04 - 04:10 AM

I try to be good. I have fought my culture and upbringing, and I no longer walk in front while my good lady runs after me holding the umbrella when it rains. I hold open doors (but like beardedbruce I have been reprimanded for that in the US by a pseudo-feminist for the same reasons). I pick up my clothes from the floor, do the washing up and help her with her coat. I have learned to recite the nine-times table backwards in Swahili during intinate moments, in order to prolong her pleasure. I always refer to her as "my treasure" - ever since someone said to me "where did you dig her up from?". I do my best - honest!

Does she appreciate it? Does she heck!

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 May 04 - 08:44 AM

My oldest daughter is married to a greek Australian man, El Greko. I am very happy she met him, he is a lovely man, and she has taught him how to cook!
they will be giving me a wonderful present in September......


my first grandchild!


best wishes

freda

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 05 May 04 - 09:09 AM

He clearly butters up his mum-in-law, Freda - just like any good Mediterranean should. Hope all goes well, and I expect to see pictures in December when I come over.

The above was tongue-in-cheek of course. I don't speak Swahili.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: el ted
Date: 05 May 04 - 09:13 AM

Mostly answered C's myself. Most enjoyable.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 05 May 04 - 09:25 AM

Freda - I never mind helping Linda with her seat - at home, on the train, in restaurants etc. - I fondle it whenever I get the chance !

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 05 May 04 - 10:37 AM

Woo Hoo! Chongo's got it right... low and a lass, Freda ma-dear you totally missed it...

Yes, it's true... I answered 'A' to all of 'em except 'B' #2 and that's no joke... and 'B' #3 is delicious, but a lousy expectation...

What struck me about this 'little list' was the implied lack of intimacy and communication expressed by the nature of the questions and answers... It's like it's hilarious because it's so pathetic...

"K", ladies... are 'you da woman'?

...looking for 'bonehead disclosure' from the fairer sex... how would yours read?
with baited bredth, ttr

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 May 04 - 02:02 PM

ummm...what am I if I said "none of the above" to all 10?

Whaddya mean I don't get to add "E" to the list?

.....durn silly quiz, and I am da' man to all relevant parties...*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Peace
Date: 05 May 04 - 06:28 PM

If I answered ten Cs, will that help me get Little Hawk's goat?

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 May 04 - 06:31 PM

No, Thomas, I didn't miss it, I laughed my head off, and just stuck the next stuff in to see what you guys would do...
I've been surprised by how docile you all became for a few posts!

freda

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: CarolC
Date: 05 May 04 - 07:11 PM

Simian patios? Now there's an interesting image.

Damn straight, Bill D, that's the way to do it. Don't let them make your choices for you.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 May 04 - 12:45 AM

Not patios, patois. It means "lingo", "dialect", that sort of thing.

Some examples:

Bundolo! = Kill!
Gom = Run!
Kree-gah! = Look out!
Gumado = Sick
Bolgani = Gorilla
Numa = Lion
Sabor = Lioness
Kagoda! = Surrender!   it also means... "I surrender!"

Wanta know it all? Do a Google search for "Ape-English".

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,Rocker
Date: 06 May 04 - 09:08 PM

1.) Excellent
2.) Several sticks of gum
3.) You 'get it' just before you need medical attention
4.) My way of saying grace before dining
5.) Just gets in the way of my feelings for you
6.) About time you ate something
7.) An accident waiting to happen
8.) Love is to lust
9.) You are free to do as you like... I'm sure gonna miss you
10.)Trying to tell you something

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Once Famous
Date: 07 May 04 - 06:46 PM

Bad girls will always be more fun.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 07 May 04 - 11:12 PM

There's somethin' to that. When you're a shamus you mostly meet bad girls, but I have met a couple of good ones along the way.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: freda underhill
Date: 10 May 04 - 07:34 PM

hey, men.. you've all wandered off with your tails between your legs..

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Sweetfia
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:23 PM

LOL!! I thought that test was rather funny. And no i don't know what my score is...for obvious reasons!

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:32 PM

Is that my tail?

No wonder I've been getting everything ass-backwards my whole life.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Sweetfia
Date: 11 May 04 - 02:33 PM

Beardedbruce...speaking as a girl, I perfer to do things myself as i do have limbs of my own and have perfect use over them (most of the time). On the issue of holding open doors...I often find it patronizing if older men do it, and greepy when guys my age do it, yet i don't mind it when my girl-friends do it!?! Mmmm, i wonder what that says about me.

Nice list tho' freda, so c'mon, tell us, where do you hide all the men that behave like that? Because i don't know of any men/guys/boys that comply to at least five of the things you suggested...   *grin*

(Of course, if i did know any guys that did act like that list i won't date them...hehe)

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Nerd
Date: 11 May 04 - 03:43 PM

I thought the first test was sort of funny, but a bit obvious; you "should" answer A, B was insensitive, and C was a ridiculous caricature. As Roger Ebert would say: ho, ho.

What I dislike are these precepts claiming that certain mannerisms, invented by certain classes to suit their needs, are somehow morally good and indicative of the moral goodness of a bygone age. Case in point:

Remove your hat indoors
This rule seems to have gone out the window these days. You should remove your headwear upon entering a building. Furthermore, never keep your hat on while at the dinner table. It reflects very poor etiquette.

Of course, the idea of removing one's hat was originally a show of respect, not to our common humanity, but to social hierarchy. The highest ranking person present WAS allowed to have his hat on, and indeed, the idea survives in the idea of "removing your hat to your betters." It most likely derives from the added vulnerability that comes with being bareheaded.

Furthermore, some people, like (for example) observant Jews, are not supposed to remove their hats.   So to force them to do so in the presence of a King or lord was a gratuitous affront. Why should I perpetuate this foolishness today?

My favorite is:

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Uh, why exactly is this so important? To whom is it important? It has never seemed important to me, or to my wife for that matter...she is one of those newfangled women who thinks it's patronizing to have doors opened, chairs pulled out, or arms offered when walking (and who never wears high heels in any case!)

I also like the use of the terms "lady" and "gentleman," which of course immediately signals that these are class-based rules invented for the wealthy and powerful. For people of the middle or working classes to aspire to this kind of nonsense is rather feeble and pathetic, IMHO.

I know, I know, they're just a little humor and I'm being a wet blanket. Sorry!

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: GUEST,Whatfo
Date: 11 May 04 - 04:01 PM

Sweetfia...it says you feel a bit insecure or unsafe around men...but safe around other women. You figure older men are condescending and untrustworthy. You feel younger men are creepy and undependable. In both cases you feel they are on the make...and that is true in some cases but not in others.

It probably depends on exactly "how" they go about opening the door for you. In my case (and I'm male) I casually open doors for anyone who happens to be following me or about to enter the room, regardless of their gender. It's common courtesy. If I were to make a grand flourish about opening a door for a female, however, I would no doubt be sending her some kind of message in so doing...such as: "I like you. I'm attracted to you. Notice how nice and helpful I am. Etc..." This could be handy, if you liked me, or it could be a problem if you didn't.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Kim C
Date: 11 May 04 - 04:12 PM

Older men are the bomb!

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Cluin
Date: 12 May 04 - 12:30 AM

Older than what, Kim?

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 May 04 - 10:04 AM

I keep them in the cupboard, and bring a new one out, each day, all fresh n clean.

Subject: RE: BS: So... are 'you da man'?
From: Kim C
Date: 12 May 04 - 10:24 AM

Older than me. By older I mean 10+ years. Mister is 12 years older than me. :-)