BS: Funny Things!

Subject: BS: Funny Things!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:09 AM

Heloo, there is too mutch moaning, and racist shite, and stuff like that, here at the minute.

so post some funny things [not pictures of disabled kids with "funny" captions added, i mean real funny things.

I'm going to Whitby tomoroww for the Folk Week, if there is any moany threads, rascim etc wehn i get back, there will be trubble!

john

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:58 AM

Right now I have a 102 F fever, vomiting, shivering and massive headache. Think I might be sick?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:59 AM

Now that's funny!




oh, sorry Brucie.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:03 AM

I used to have a job at a fire hydrant factory.

Good job.

Only problem was you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:04 AM

Thing is, I can't stand shivering in bed. Can't lay shivering in bed, either. Hate that. Tried hot water, lots of it, and that gets me up to pee so I leave the warmth of the blanket--what there is of it, the warmth, not the blanket. Started my day like that. Just got worse until now. Projectile vomiting isn't a good thing, is it?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:06 AM

I worked in the circus as a human cannonball. Hired and fired in the same day.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:06 AM

It is if you're in the tub and you wanna hit the toilet.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:07 AM

Hell, I'm at where I work. Came here to use the computer. Missed the garbage can. Gross.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:12 AM

Can you sneak out without anyone knowing you were there? It would make an interesting (but disgusting) mystery for someone.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:12 AM

Anyway, what I'm postin' ain;t funny. Sorry, jOhn.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:12 AM

Brucie:

Get some medical attention at once sirrah!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:15 AM

Thanks, Amos. Goin' to the hospital, forthwith.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 02:14 AM

Interesting fact,if you laid out everyone in Hull end to end across the north sea......... they would all drown.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 02:43 AM

Back from the hospital.

Strep, inflamed ear canals, temp down, chest sore due to coughing. Didn't want to wake the Doc; she's sleeping, and she'll need her rest if we get an accident call tonight. They seemed worried--the nurse, that the headache was so bad. BP 138/81; Pulse 99; O2 sat at 95%. Hurts to breathe so she gave me some meds and told me to go sleep. Thing is, I am gonna wait until the meds kick in--just over-the-counter stuff, but I didn't want to beg for anything stronger. If there are calls tonight, I gotta go. Thanks for the shove, Amos. I was gonna wait until tomorrow and see the family doctor. Still will, but I expect to have the fever and headache down and sorta gone in a half hour. More than anyone needed to know.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:16 AM

"Projectile vomiting isn't a good thing, is it? "

You probably wouldn't make as good a living as Petomane...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:34 AM

The Duct Tape Art Gallery!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: kendall
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:01 AM

The roads are littered with flat squirrels that couldn't make a decision.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:13 AM

Brucie, can I come and look after you? I'd love a holiday!! I know it sounds a bite trite, but lots of hot lemon and honey is good...preferable with regular doses of elderberry tincture, but I don't suppose you have any of that. I'll bring some with me!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:23 PM

MBSLynne,

I just got back from the clinic. Strep and severe sinus infection. My nose is running like either Niagra Falls--I saw the typo, it's intentional, because these falls go UP--or the Horseshoe Falls. So, one nostril is backing up to cause the headaches, and the other is free-flowing to I don't know what.

I live alone, and there hasn't been honey or a lemon in the cupboard or fridge in a year. Lemons are the yellow things, right? Honey I know about. It comes from bees. No bees to speak of in Hinton.

The doctor gave me some antibiotic I can neither pronounce nor spell. Says I will feel better before I die. The fever is gone.

Thank you for your kind offer. Men are such wimps when they get sick--well, this one is, anyway. I want to feel sorry for myself about the illness and a few other things, but I will look into the elderberry wine. Is it sold in gallons? I am guessing that the cure you had in mind was to slice the lemon and add that to the gallon of wine. THEN, stir in some honey and drink it. I will try that. If I can't find elderberry, would beaujolais work just as well?

Thank you.

BM

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:32 PM

Bruce:

Oh, fer cry-i -- wine and tincture ain't the same, man. Just say yes!! Let the lass have her holiday!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 02:14 PM

I all th ladies in Hull between the ages of sixteen and sixty were laid end to end down the High Street , Would any one be at all surprised ?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 04:52 PM

Feel better soon, Bruce.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 05:37 PM

Thank you, GUEST. And everyone else.

I expect the antibiotic will clear that up. I just don't know what to take for the other thing. Probably never will.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:51 AM

I understand that strep is not something to neglect, either- go home, brucie. Be well, friend.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: maggiethecat
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 11:17 AM

(This really hasn't turned out to be a funny thread, but I couldn't figure out where else to post it. Maybe it'll be worth reading for a healing chuckle.)

-maggie



College Admission Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, was admitted to NYU.

Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:22 PM

ROME DEPOT

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:40 PM

Romanian cleric in trouble for long sermon

A Romanian orthodox priest is to live in seclusion for a month after delivering a five-hour funeral service.

Agapie Aurel Rusu has also been ordered to live on just bread and water for the month as a punishment.

The case of the long funeral service has also came under the attention of consumer protection authorities after complaints regarding the things he's alleged to have said during the service.

It's reported the priest wanted to get revenge on the 21-year-old dead man's relatives who had wanted another priest to officiate the funeral.

He talked during the sermon about politics, history and even heart surgery. He's also said to have used many poems to illustrate the sermon.

One of the funeral attendants told Jurnalul newspaper: "I just couldn't hang on in there. I don't remember much of what the priest kept talking about but I think it was all a mock."

Zenovie Mosoiu, a spokesman for the Orthodox Church in Brasov said: "It was a little too much for a funeral service to last five hours. In normal conditions such a service cannot take more than an hour with the priest's sermon included."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 03:58 PM

"He's also said to have used many poems to illustrate the sermon."

No wonder they threw the book at him!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 04:05 PM

yES, EVERYONE KNOWS PEOPLE PREFER LIMERICKS.

Ooops sorry, Capslock strikes again!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 02:17 AM

Waht a rubbish thrread!, not much funny stuff in it at all, rubbish!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Gervase
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 04:35 AM

There was an old geezer from Hull
Who thought this thread rather dull;
So he whipped up a curry,
From ox tripe and slurry
And was in such a hurry to get to the bog that he didn't have time to find a satisfactory ending to the limerick.

(PS: Funny how there's bugger-all that rhymes with rubbish!)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 12:39 PM

There was a young girl from St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball
But the dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, "sporting section", and all!

or, alternatively:

A diner, while dining at Crewe
Found quite a large fly in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
"And wave it about,
"Or the rest will be wanting one too!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: open mike
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 02:47 PM

Hugh Gallagher must have see my e-mail with a signature on teh end that says: Watch out! I have a black belt in origami!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 08:50 PM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly
By the time that a brahmin
Got down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation and Kelly.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 05:03 PM

There was a young nympho from Norway,
Who hung by her toes from a doorway,
She said to her man,
"Sven, get off the divan,
"I think I've discovered one more way".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: mack/misophist
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:59 PM

Funny things:
Wing tip shoes.
Hilarious!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST,Amazed!!
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 08:54 PM

brucie: You posted at 01:15 AM that you were going to the hospital, and you were back posting at 02:43 AM. Where in the world is that hospital??? Where I go it would take at least three hours just to check in, and that's if you are having chest pains.

I want your place!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 12:17 AM

The hospital is in Hinton, Alberta. The nurse who saw me gave her best diagnosis, and since it matched mine, I asked her not to wake the doctor. I was there for about five minutes before she saw me, and I left after she gave me some tablets for the headache.

Hinton has only 10000 people and that hospital is the only one in town. I am a friefighter, and we see the staff there lots. Fortunately, there were no other patients waiting in the emergency at the time. Isn't always that way. A year back when I dropped at a fire from dehydration, it took me about 30 minutes to see a doctor. But, the ambulance AND nurses had the fluids flowing, so it wasn't that bad. Just lucked out.

Next day the clinic where my family doctor is gave me Zithromycin (Sp?) but I still have the bloody cough. Sinuses are clearing and throat feels lots better.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 01:01 AM

Cat Smileys!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 07:50 AM

Spam is wonderful! A friend in the know got this in Spam and sent this on to me!

As I received it, bad spelling and grammar and all ... :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO HACK HOTMAIL/YAHOO ACCOUNT .....

In this address every thing is
automatically work
If you can type every thing in the same
palce server
will send you
victim password with in a 24 hours.
If you make mistake then there is no
replay for you

This is what you need to do:
Send from your own hotmail/Yahoo emailbox a
message to
[e-mail]
and use the title: "retrieve password" (CASE
SENSITIVE)

Next, type the ADDRESS of the EMAIL ADDRESS
you want to hack on the first line of the
email message, and your own hotmail PASSWORD
on the next line. Now send the message and
the server his/her
hotmail/yahoo-password will be
sent to you!!!

Good luck my fellow hackers

1 To [e-mail]
2 Subject "retrieve password" (CASE
SENSITIVE)
3 Text area type addresses you want his/her
password
4 Next line type your password

server check your password or id to
confirm you
are login legally or
unlegal way then send you your victims
password .

Forward it to your friends if you want
to . :)

[sic]
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Newbies - you have been warned!

The experienced - please wait a little while before you tell the secret.... :-)

Priceless, a timeless classic. But suckers still fall for it..

Robin
(No Responsibilty taken for the Stupid who think they are Clever!)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 07:30 PM

This one is firmly in the "What the F*ck?" category.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST,GROK
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 07:59 PM

The scary thing is that some parents will buy those outfits for their children. Thanks for the heads-up, Cluin. If I see any around town I will make a point of telling the store manager exactly what I think.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 02:14 PM

A nurse tells the Doctor there is a patient in the waiting rooms who claims they are invisible.   The Doctor says- "well, tell him that I can't see him today"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Shambles
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM

BS: Big bums are back......
BS: Back after a hiatus...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: kendall
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 07:17 PM

A friend told me his sister had boobs of unequal size. She entered a wet tee shirt contest and came in first and third.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: GUEST,GROK
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 10:02 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: mack/misophist
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 10:48 PM

Dear Cluin:

You are absolutely correct about the costume category. The question is: What on earth were you looking for when you found it?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 02:37 AM

Well, it's not exactly a joke, but we haven't had a post here for week...


A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee ... You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one developed.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them boil.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water .. each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg's thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the eat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get something better / stronger.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Count your blessings, not your problems...... Putting others first makes relationships last.

To some of the Coffee Beans in my life.... thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 02:39 AM

Ooops! Wrong Thread! Meant to post it in the Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 10:46 PM

mack/misophist, the answer is: A friend sent me the URL in an e-mail. I'll have to ask him what he was looking for.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 07:22 PM

PIE!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Things!
From: Juan P-B
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 08:04 PM

I was sorry to hear about the chap who invested his redundancy money in a scheme to make inflatable Dutch footwear

It was all going fantastically well until he popped his clogs!