BS: The 9 stages of drinking.

Subject: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 05:51 PM

Came across this on the Net. Anyone recognize these 9 stages?

The Nine Stages of Drinking

1. Relaxed

To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

2. Merry

With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.

3. Tipsy

Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.

4. half-cut

Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get laughs... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.

5. Drunk

Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

6. Rat-arsed

Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the f**k you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

7. Sh*t-faced (alternatively W*nkered)

It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence on this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - p*ssheads.

8. Esperanto

For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.

9. Clinically Dead

You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the f**k you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers till then.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 06:15 PM

been 35-40 years since I was past 4, and seldom more than 2 anymore. I don't LIKE headaches, lost memories and recriminating looks. I know VERY few people who still do that.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 06:19 PM

Yeah, I very seldom go past stage 2 myself...but when I was in my late teens-early 20's at least half the guys I knew regularly did the whole 9 stages. This was their way of having "a good time". (grin) Bill Cosby did a hilarious skit on that subject once.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 06:31 PM

More succinctly, I have heard that whiskey bottles should come with graduations marked

- Jocose
- Morose
- Bellicose
- Comatose

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: vectis
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 06:38 PM

My son always declaimed as he picked up number 9
"Why walk when you can crawl"
He's much more abstemious now that he's got a partner.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 06:51 PM

There are not necessarily 9 stages of course.
1) Have a drink and get a bit relaxed
2) Have another and get more relaxed
3)Have yet another and feel even more relaxed
4)Have as many more as necessary to make you feel so relaxed that you fall down.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:09 PM

As my son said while in the Navy, "Mom! When you get really drunk, the inside of a white 5-gallon bucket is really BIG!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Teresa
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:22 PM

LOL, S!

I'm mostly at stage three. I think there have been two times that I've done the quantum fall from three to nine ... I would not recommend it. Let's just say there are things I'm still embarrassed about and leave it at that. ;)

T

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: GUEST,GROK
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:25 PM

Did to 9 more than a few times and quit it totally about 20 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: MaineDog
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:31 PM

If you go to the Bull Run Restaurant in Shirley, Ma, or to the Fruitlands Museum (Bronson Alcott, etc) in Harvard Ma, you will see a tableau depicting the drunkard's progress. This is not one session, but the progression of the unfortunate sinner, from beginning to the end, as clouded by memory :

1) a drink with a friend
2) a drink to keep out the cold
3) merriment and laughter
4) wine and food
5) the summit attained, good friends and good cheer, etc
6) drunk and riotous
7) shunned by all decent people
8) poverty and disease
9) death by suicide

take heed, do not shingle the rumseller's roof!

MD

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:21 PM

I found another version called "The 5 stages of drinking"...here it is:

The Five Stages of Drinking
---------------------------------

LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"

Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: HuwG
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:30 PM

An even quicker progression :-

One Tequila
Two Tequila
Three Tequila
Floor !

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:43 PM

a true friend is some one you can share a few pints with at the local pub, brawl with, and happily visit each other in the hospital the next morning.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 01:26 AM

Yes, I knew two brothers who used to do that regularly, and they could never remember what the fight was about the next day. Sounds kind of like Shane and Don over in Blind River.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:49 AM

I have an infuriating habit of always remembering what I did ~ but more specifically infuriating, what OTHERS did whilst drunk.

The only thing I have trouble with is objects that appear without my knowledge. Like the traffic cone that appeared in the bedroom one night.... or the iron stake I found in my tent at the last festival.... I remember picking up the traffic cone because it was in my way. I don't know why I didn't put it down. I did the same with the iron stake. I know not how it made it's way to my tent and hid itself behind my umbrella.

Last night I went to choir practice with a spoon instead of a pencil.... so it's not alcohol related......

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: mooman
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:55 AM

Have done all nine long, long ago but never go beyond 2 these days (more usually 1)!

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 09:33 AM

Joe F mentioned above the classic 4-fold stages of drinking of Jocose, Morose, Bellicose and comatose. They are articulated in great detail in this song by Nova Scotian Alistair Macdonald (copy and paste into WORD/TIMES/12 to line up the chords):

The Jocose Drunkard

(Words by Alistair Macdonald ©
After the singing of Vince Morash, Nova Scotia, 1995
Tune: "Three Drunkard Maidens")

G---------D-G---C----G-----D-------G--D7-G
There is that jo-cose drunk-ard as you may com-pre-hend,
-----------D----G?C---G------D----G----D7-G
He?s full of jokes and laugh-ter, and every-one?s his friend;
---C---G---D-G?C---G-D---G?C-G?D-G-D
He slaps you on the back, me lads, and or-ders up a round,
----G---D-G---C----G-----D------G-D7-G
That jolly jo-cose drunk-ard's a pleasure to be found.


Chorus:

----C---G---C---G
And you raise your glass,
------C----G
Times have passed,
-------C?G-------C---G
And all the lads have gone home.

One drink beyond the jocose and then it's time for tears,
For now the drunkard is morose, he's crying in his beer;
He gets so sentimental, nostalgic and depressed,
He grieves for all he might've been and wails about the rest. (CHO)

But when the crying ceases, let the innocent beware,
For now the drunkard?s bellicose, with fighting spirit rare;
He loudly picks an argument and wildly swings his fist,
So bellicose a drunkard's a pleasure to be missed. (CHO)

The drunkard then becomes subdued, the liquor takes its toll,
For now the drunkard's comatose, 'tis said he's passed out cold;
These are the states of drunkenness through which we all may sink,
But, before we all are comatose ? there's time for one last drink!

One of my rude singing companions has suggested "vomitose" as a 5th stage but I really think 4 stages are quite sufficient. Of course, most of us hardly ever drink more than a couple of ales any more.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Oaklet
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 11:06 AM

Little Hawk, much as I enjoyed your post, I think you may have forgotten the 10th stage. Which goes something like: Wake up and spit the most malodourus bits of vomit from the denture and using only elbows, rise unsteadily up from the sticky carpet and struggle, swearing and dribbling, into the chair. Swear loudly and incoherently at the screen and then tell it that it is after all, one's best mate in the whole world. Tell it to "Shhh", putting a finger against one's lips and giggle at the complaining bangs from the flat next door. Shout at them to fuck off. Giggle again. Go online. Then, after entering a favourite discussion forum after several attempts to remember both name and password, start to get a few bothersome things finally off one's chest.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 01:25 PM

My God! What a picture of depravity and an errant life gone wrong! Oaklet, I now understand why you were never quite able to succeed in wooing the fair Penelope Rutledge, despite your no doubt considerable assets and charms.

Good God, man, get a grip on yourself and reform, before it is too late!

I post here a cautionary poem from the legendary William McGonagall, and I hope it shall have a salutary effect in rescuing you from the deathly perils of dipsomania!

THE DEMON DRINK
by William McGonagall

Oh, thou demon Drink, thou fell destroyer;
Thou curse of society, and its greatest annoyer.
What hast thou done to society, let me think?
I answer thou hast caused the most of ills, thou demon Drink.

Thou causeth the mother to neglect her child,
Also the father to act as he were wild,
So that he neglects his loving wife and family dear,
By spending his earnings foolishly on whisky, rum and beer.

And after spending his earnings foolishly he beats his wife-
The man that promised to protect her during life-
And so the man would if there was no drink in society,
For seldom a man beats his wife in a state of sobriety.

And if he does, perhaps he finds his wife fou',
Then that causes, no doubt, a great hullaballo;
When he finds his wife drunk he begins to frown,
And in a fury of passion he knocks her down.

And in that knock down she fractures her head,
And perhaps the poor wife she is killed dead,
Whereas, if there was no strong drink to be got,
To be killed wouldn't have been the poor wife's lot.

Then the unfortunate husband is arrested and cast into jail,
And sadly his fate he does bewail;
And he curses the hour that ever was born,
And paces his cell up and down very forlorn.

And when the day of his trial draws near,
No doubt for the murdering of his wife he drops a tear,
And he exclaims, "Oh, thou demon Drink, through thee I must die,"
And on the scaffold he warns the people from drink to fly,

Because whenever a father or a mother takes to drink,
Step by step on in crime they do sink,
Until their children loses all affection for them,
And in justice we cannot their children condemn.

The man that gets drunk is little else than a fool,
And is in the habit, no doubt, of advocating for Home Rule;
But the best Home Rule for him, as far as I can understand,
Is the abolition of strong drink from the land.

And the men that get drunk in general wants Home Rule;
But such men, I rather think, should keep their heads cool,
And try and learn more sense, I most earnestlty do pray,
And help to get strong drink abolished without delay.

If drink was abolished how many peaceful homes would there be,
Just, for instance in the beautiful town of Dundee;
then this world would be heaven, whereas it's a hell,
An the people would have more peace in it to dwell

Alas! strong drink makes men and women fanatics,
And helps to fill our prisons and lunatics;
And if there was no strong drink such cases wouldn't be,
Which would be a very glad sight for all christians to see.

O admit, a man may be a very good man,
But in my opinion he cannot be a true Christian
As long as he partakes of strong drink,
The more that he may differently think.

But no matter what he thinks, I say nay,
For by taking it he helps to lead his brither astray,
Whereas, if he didn't drink, he would help to reform society,
And we would soon do away with all inebriety.

Then, for the sake of society and the Church of God,
Let each one try to abolish it at home and abroad;
Then poverty and crime would decrease and be at a stand,
And Christ's Kingdom would soon be established throughout the land.

Therefore, brothers and sisters, pause and think,
And try to abolish the foul fiend, Drink.
Let such doctrine be taught in church and school,
That the abolition of strong drink is the only Home Rule.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Wesley S
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 01:52 PM

I know a guy that remembers that he started drinking at an airport in New York City. The next thing he remembered was waking up in jail near Chicago. He was arrested for DWI in a car he doesn't remember buying.

Is that a 9 or a 10 ?

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Oaklet
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 02:54 PM

Naturally I wouldn't be able to behave like that sordid example that I illustrated earlier. I had my chair reposessed last week.

Wesley, that is a 10 by God!

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Oaklet
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 02:58 PM

And I thought that that William McGonagall buffoon would have something to say on the subject - thanks for sharing it, mate!

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: PoppaGator
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 03:42 PM

Hilarious stuff -- only one notable omission: none of the messages include one of my favorite descriptive phrases, "knee-walking drunk."

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Amos
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 03:44 PM

LH:

You have outdone yourself in your quest for the ultimate Presentation of Mediocrity.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Teresa
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:07 PM

One of my favorite writings on this subject is Jack London's John Barleycorn. I'm sorry I can't quote from it now, but I remember laughing and crying a lot.

T

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:57 PM

Charles-Pierre Baudelaire

Get Drunk!

One should always be drunk. That's all that matters;
that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's
horrible burden one which breaks your shoulders and bows
you down, you must get drunk without cease.

But with what?
With wine, poetry, or virtue
as you choose.
But get drunk.

And if, at some time, on steps of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the bleak solitude of your room,
you are waking and the drunkenness has already abated,
ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock,
all that which flees,
all that which groans,
all that which rolls,
all that which sings,
all that which speaks,
ask them, what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock,
they will all reply:

"It is time to get drunk!

So that you may not be the martyred slaves of Time,
get drunk, get drunk,
and never pause for rest!
With wine, poetry, or virtue,
as you choose!

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 08:33 PM

Yes, Amos, mediocrity fascinates me...but it must be mediocrity of a truly abysmal and wellnigh unsurpassable dimension. The behaviour of drunken young men (and some females too) definitely fits the bill.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 06:26 AM

Anybody know the words of Leon Rosselson's song "Hangover" (it's in "Look Here") ?   Part of it goes something like:

I don't know where my legs are, don't know what I want them for,
And the ceiling's started spinning in the middle of the floor.
If I knew which way the wall was, I could maybe find the door.
There's the Black Hole of Calcutta and it wasn't there before.

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 08:52 AM

I could never get past stage 4 without having to throw up. It got to a point where I didn't drink for quite a while. Got me a bit worried though, when at a party for my daughter's birthday, sober but having a good time, and my daughter's friend asked, if I was like that sober what was I like when I'd had a drink? Sharon replied "The same, but louder".

OUCH

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 10:04 AM

Well, if we're going to mention SONGS now - then there is the incomparable "As Usual"...

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: PoppaGator
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 10:33 AM

How 'bout Dave Van Ronk's "Last Call"? I can remember the first verse and 3/4 of the final verse:

"And so we've had another night/
of poetry and poses/
and each man knows he'll be alone/
when the sacred ginmill closes.

...

[da da da da, da da da da]/
I'll be drunk again tomorrow/
If I'd been drunk when I was born/
I'd be ignorant of sorrow."

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 11:32 AM

Wes, that's a 9.5, because he BOUGHT the car. A 10 would be if he stole it.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: The 9 stages of drinking.
From: GUEST,Zaphod Beeblebronx
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 09:17 PM

The Philosophers' Drinking Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
    who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
    who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume
    Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
    who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
    'bout the raisin' of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
    after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
    'alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
    and Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
    "I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

      -- Monty Python