BS: a sign of the times!

Subject: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 01:36 PM

I just got this on an "E" from 203 Nimrod squadron (one of my old squadrons) wanted to share it!

RUM, SODOMY & THE LIFEJACKET

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.

How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
The how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case – kiss me Hardy.

P.S. I am merely sharing this, there is nothing here that says that I agree with it all or in part!
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: frogprince
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 02:09 PM

Over here it's OSHA: Occupational Safety and Health Administration. Wouldn't want to have an industrial job without 'em; wouldn't want to be in a management position where I had to watch out for their more demented extreme measures either.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 04:24 PM

Brilliant!
Have passed it on.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 05:11 PM

Thank you dead horse,it tickled me.

Regards Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 05:43 PM

Read the sections on Newspeak in 1984 and you will see the method behind the politically correct madness of reducing language to the characterless equivalent of oatmeal. It deprives people of the ability to think independently and reduces them to creatures who cannot express anything other than the sanctioned offical line because they have in effect been deprived of the words with which to express themselves in anything but the sanctioned official line.

The official line defines certain people automatically and ALWAYS as "victims" or "heros", due to their outer defining appearance or label, regardless of whether they are actually victims of anything or not. It forbids recognizing those people as perpetrators, even when they ARE perpetrators of violence and acts of hatred. It forbids any honest public dialogue about those people...any comment about them that is not laudatory. It enshrines prejudice and perpetuates division.

The intention behind it is not to protect people, but to enslave them in a mindless conformity which reduces complex and dire circumstances to mild, agreeable, and familiar propaganda slogans devoid of actual reality. Like, for instance, calling unprovoked invasion of another country a "war of liberation" and labelling aggression as a "pre-emptive defensive strike".

It means waging terrorism yourself, but calling it a "war on terrorism". It means dealing drugs internationally yourself, but claiming that you are waging "a war on drugs". It means referring to warmaking forces as "peacekeepers". Etc...

The USA had a huge bomber, the B-36, that they called the "Peacemaker". Yeah, right...it might better have been named, "The Terrorizer". In the event, they used B-52's instead to bomb places like Vietnam, Cambodia, Afghanistan, and Iraq, as they were a bit more advanced than the B-36, I suppose.

"Land theft" and "apartheid" are likewise referred to in euphemistic and positive terms like "providing security" by another political outfit who are so sacrosanct in these deluded times that one fears to even mention them critically by name...guess who? (And no, I don't mean "the Jews"...I have no objection whatsoever to the Jews...whom I regard to be equally as good and no more so than any other people.) I am referring to the Zionists. There are a significant number of thinking Jews in this World today who are opposed to Zionism, and they can be congratulated for actually following the true ideals set out in the Torah...which are to be honest, truthful, and fair in your treatment of all human beings. Zionists do not embody the true ideals of Judaism.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: skipy
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 06:13 PM

Little Hawk, How the hell did we get here?
I was trying only to add a little humour, not to start a thread that will turn septic. By the way I do respect your right to have an opinion & express it in any that you wish!

Chill out, Regards Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 06:21 PM

Well I thought it was funny.

Don't worry Skipy. Every now and then, the Hawk must scream its defiance to the skies. It just maybe means his cage needs to be cleaned again or maybe he needs to be let off the perch to go rip the crap out of a chipmunk or two.   ;)

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: skipy
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 06:56 PM

cheers Cluin

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 07:18 PM

Okay, Skipy. How about I rave on about William Shatner and his great contributions to the field of music for a bit then?

Yes, I did greatly appreciate the humour in your first post. Very funny indeed!

Cheers,

Little Hawk

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: skipy
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 07:48 PM

Please help yourself, check all previous posts, you will not find anything from me slagging off William.
P.S. I took the kids to the Star trex expo in 2003!

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 08:01 PM

Well, good on you! I will see if I can get the WSSBA to send you a free inflatable doll. Any requests?

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 03:33 AM

it's O/K I'm going to Erotica 2004!

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:03 AM

See what you mean Skipy. This is all too recognisable to a victim of Health & Safety such as myself.

Makes you wonder how the Paras manage to jump out of aeroplanes without safety harnesses etc.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:08 AM

I,m bungee jumping now for Jesus
I know who holds my bungee cord
fear dosen't rankle
when Christ holds your ankle
I'm just a yo yo for the Lord!

Kieth Donnelly

Skipyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 1 thousand 2 thousand 3 thousand - check canopy!

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:26 AM

I think that check suits you, although blue might be better. The red clashes with your eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:29 AM

Can't beat a bit of gingham!

gingham the true cloth

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:49 AM

And you wear it so well, especially cut on the bias like that. However, you should accessorise more. A larger handbag never comes amiss.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 06:53 AM

Wait till you see the photos of "Wear it pink night"

Handbag the true accessory

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 07:19 AM

Is "wear it pink" anything like "rubbed red raw"?

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Peace
Date: 03 Nov 04 - 09:45 PM

Skipy,

I love Little Hawk like a brother, but do NOT trust him on the blow-up dolls. Someday I will tell you the whole story. It's sordid, I might add. Involves a goat, 843 blow-up dolls and--well, I'll let it rest there.

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Neighmond
Date: 04 Nov 04 - 01:15 AM

I can tell a sad one on OSHA. I used to run a small sole-proprietership, and the shop was essentually one large room and a bathroom. One day this clown from out of town came in and saw me polishing pivots on the lathe. I saw him come in but was polishing with a flat burnisher so he was going to wait. After ten seconds he reached out and tapped my head, while I was still cutting. when he tapped the top of my head i sat up fast and caught the tip of my burnisher on the shoulder of the pivot and snapped the pivot off. He then proceeded to tell me he had the right to inspect my shop. He walked past me and looked at the things I had on the wall. He pulled the ten commandments down citing that it was illegal to post it where it could offend employees (which I had none-it was only me.) He told me that my door (original to the building-it had stained glass on the edges and etched glass in the centre) was illegal and must be removed and replaced with a metal door that would have destroyed the historical integrety of the storefront. THEN I was told that my lathe belting had to have a guard, as it was illegal to run a lathe with open belting. Bear in mind that the main belt is 1/2" flat belting, and the upper end belts are circular, 3/16" rubber. I demonstrated to this awful creature that I could pull the belts off by hand with the lathe running and it did me no harm, and he said tough, he was the rule enforcer there. He made an ass of himself for the better part of an hour, gave me a stack of papers and left. I sent the papers back with a letter from my state representitive, stating that they must need their funding cut if this was all they had to occupy their time.

Never heard another peep.

Chaz

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 04 Nov 04 - 01:57 AM

Good stories on both ends of this thread, and an interesting rant in the middle.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 04 Nov 04 - 08:10 AM

This may be the middle!

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 04 Nov 04 - 10:56 PM

Brilliant Nelson story, I have passed it on. ROTFLMFHO

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: skipy
Date: 05 Nov 04 - 07:18 PM

o/k you have got me on that one! What the hell is ROTFLMFHO?

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: a sign of the times!
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 04 - 07:24 PM

Rolling on the floor. laughing my effing head off.