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BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!!
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Subject: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald Date: 03 Dec 04 - 08:41 PM The town of Twillingsgate was electrified today by the fast breaking news that our own Ms Penelope Rutledge, the belle of Twillingsgate, has returned home after a nearly 7-month sojourn in the southerly reaches of the Continent with the wealthy Spanish businessman and playboy, Arturo Espinoza. The now notorious Mr Espinoza is not British and he has a pencil-thin moustache. He is known to bet on the horses and consort with famous European actresses. He has been seen with Ms Rutledge in Monaco, playing roulette and baccarat. Recently there were rumours of a rift in their relationship, following a mysterious night of violence 6 weeks ago at the Espinoza mansion near Barcelona. Anonymous witnesses reported hearing gunshots, screams, and the sounds of sabers clashing! Mr Espinoza is known to have a fine collection of duelling swords, and it appears that at least two of them were put to use in some confrontation recently, but the combatants remain nameless! We attempted to contact Ms Rutledge's former companion, Captain Nigel West, recently on furlough in London to recover from his wounds, which were both corporial (due to fighting in Iraq) and of the soul (due to seeing his beloved swept away by a swarthy, avaricious foreigner). He could shed no light on the recent incidents in Barcelona and refused comment, saying only, "Estuary, you are an unholy, damned piece of slime. I hope you contract a nasty and fatal ailment, and die miserably, unmourned by even your mother!" He then hung up. Evidently he is still not fully recovered from his injuries, more particularly the wounds of the heart. Indeed, this writer fears that his mind may have become permanently damaged. Ms Rutledge was seen only 2 days ago at Heathrow Airport by our informant (who has asked to remain nameless), as she descended from a British Airways 747. She looked "tanned and fit", but...brace yourselves for this...she bore what appeared to be a long, thin scar on her left cheek! What could this mean? Has some foul individual done violence to our Ms Rutledge? She was met at arrivals by Mr Winston Wellington-Jones, a man who needs no introduction in Twillingsgate. They quickly departed to an unknown destination in London, and drove into Twillingsgate this morning in Mr Wellington-Jones's antique Bentley. We attempted to contact Ms Rutledge without success. We did contact Wellington-Jones, and he said something that one cannot print in a family publication, and then hung up. Further calls were answered by the butler, who refused to answer any questions. While we can all take great joy in the fact that Ms Rutledge has returned relatively unharmed to the bosom of her ancestral land and community, there are many disturbing matters afoot here which need to be investigated before they are put to rest. It is this writer's opinion that this is only the beginning of a story that will rattle Twillingsgate society to its core, and have serious repercussions as far as Buckingham Palace and Whitehall! Stay tuned! The Twillingsgate Herald stands ready to keep you informed, blow by shocking blow, revelation by revelation, moment by rivetting moment! - Mortimer Estuary, Assistant Editor, Twillingsgate Herald |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless Date: 03 Dec 04 - 08:48 PM Ha! I knew it! "Back before Christmas", that's what I said. Look at the calendar and weep, Winston! It's still 21 days till Christmas. Ha! You bet she'd be back by June 30th. You owe me 500 quid, boyo. Pay up. No excuses this time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones Date: 03 Dec 04 - 09:16 PM I knew it. I just knew it. This bloody forum!!! Very well. Bertie, I will be happy to pay you your sodding 500 quid...in one pound notes, one at a time, shoved down your stupid sodding throat! On second thought, you still owe me 500 because she didn't marry the Don as you said she would, so to hell with you. Estuary? You are walking on thin ice. You resemble nothing more than Dorian Gray, suffering a sudden loss of "the gift". Go back to peering through bereaved widows' bedroom windows at night, holding dark rites in Druidic ruins, and abusing your wretched help, and leave Ms Rutledge alone! - WWJ |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 03 Dec 04 - 09:25 PM Why, just this very afternoon I was thinking that it had been a long time since we had heard anything from our dear |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC Date: 03 Dec 04 - 09:40 PM Damned reporters. Never let a man have peace. Collapsed in Monaco, flown to London, in and out of a coma for weeks. Awful infection in my leg. Understand that the medicos just barely saved it. But I'm getting stronger and will be soon off to Twillingsgate on a bit of recovery leave, perhaps as early as tomorrow. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones Date: 04 Dec 04 - 12:19 PM Go to hell, Bee-Dubya-Ell. - WWJ |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 04 Dec 04 - 05:51 PM Thank God she is back! Twillingsgate (or dare I say it...England) without Penelope Rutledge is like American politics without Hillary Clinton! Like NHL hockey without Don Cherry! Like Kennel Club without dachshunds! Unthinkable. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 04 Dec 04 - 11:20 PM Oh my god! It's so obvious! How could we have missed it for all this time? Consider this: Despite their purported "love" for her, there is absolutely no evidence that Winston Wellington-Jones or Major Nigel West ever actually consummated the physical act of love with Ms Penelope Rutledge. Neither of them has ever bragged of such a conquest as men of their ilk are wont to do. So, based upon this lack of evidence of normal human passion, we have, for some time, been accusing Penelope of frigidity. After all, any woman who so worships Emily Dickinson would seem destined to a life of spinsterhood. But then, Penelope shocked us all by unexpectedly running off with Arturo Espinoza, a playboy who apparently enjoys playing with epees, sabers and other long sharp objects. And, at some point, Penelope did something that so infuriated Espinoza that he lost his temper and struck her across the face with one of his sporting blades. What could she possibly have done, or not done, to so infuriate him? Lack of sexual responsiveness would be enough to cause such a violent response in some men, but we are confident Señor Espinoza is far too cool and sophisticated to explode from mere sexual frustration. No, it would require both frustration and deception. And what sort of deception could our Penelope have possibly foisted upon Espinoza that would cause him to strike her with a blade? There's only one that we can think of. Yes, there can be no doubt about it, Penelope Rutledge, the "Belle of Twillingsgate", is, in fact, a man! And the irony of it all is that this very concept, that "Penelope" is actually "Penton" or "Penfield" was put forth over a year ago by none other than Tweed! Of course, since we are well aware that Tweed is an absolute idiot we totally discounted his analysis of the situation. But, just as in "King Lear", sometimes the fool speaks the truest truths. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:35 PM You really are the limit, Bee-dubya-ell. You disgust me! What slimy stone did you crawl out from under? You have less than a glimmer of a molecule's worth of understanding of my situation or that of any woman, I suspect. You are male idiocy personified. I thought Tweed was bad, but you are even worse. You ought to be sterilized to protect the human gene pool. I have been through severe trials in the last few weeks which render your feeble-minded attacks on me inconsequential in comparison, I assure you. I have a new understanding of the fragility of life and I am not going to waste much of mine indulging in a pointless battle of wits with an opponent who is clearly not only completely unarmed but suffering from what I would term severe mental incontinence. You are an embarrassment. Kindly go and defenestrate yourself out of a conveniently high window somewhere or have a look up a moribund jackass's back end and see if you can spot your own reflection in there. * PR |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:49 PM You'll notice that at no point did Ms Rutledge actually deny my accusation. Hmmmm... |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:57 PM Mr. Ell, I can state with certainty that Miss Rutledge is a woman. Gentlemen, with whom it is obvious you are completely unfamiliar, do not (as you Americans say) "kiss and tell." I am not, on the other hand, at all certain of your gender. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 05 Dec 04 - 10:15 PM "Gender", Major West, is a grammatical term. Nouns in many languages (ie German, French, Spanish) have gender. Human beings have sex. One is either of the male sex or the female sex, not gender. People who use the word "gender" when meaning "sex" usually do so because they are afraid of using the word. Come on, Nigel, say it! "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!" Doesn't that feel better now? |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:58 AM Mr Ell, Sex, as I'm certain even you must know, is determined by the X and Y chromosones. I, myself, am XY. Miss Rutledge is XX. An XY chromosonal makeup determines that one is male, as XX determines femaleness. There are other combinations possible, but they all involve additional X or Y chromosones. One of them, XYY, can produce a testosterone-spewing mutant which, when coupled with other genetic variables in the helix, easily becomes a swamp-dwelling sociopath who has no idea of good manners or even common decency. I regularily use the word "sex," Mr Ell. Perhaps you would like to try using these words and phrases: thank you, you're welcome, please, how are you?, hello, lovely day, and others. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:10 AM Cor! If I was wivin reach of this Bee-dobulle-U 'ell bugger I would box 'is ears for 'im, the rotten bastard! 'E's got nerve to be speakin' the way 'e does about our beloved Ms Penelope, 'oo 'as barely survived 'oo knows what 'orrors in the wilds of southern Europe and 'is now back where she ought to be in Twillingsgate. I wish I 'ad my 'ands around 'is froat, the rotten swine! Ms Rutledge 'as indeed suffered a mark to 'er face wot looks to me like she got cut wif somefink! Cor! I know fer a fact that Ms Rutledge is a mean 'and wif dueling swords and I fink she must 'ave 'ad to defend 'erself against some vicious attacker! If so, I trust that she despatched the villain smartly. 'E's probably 'ad to be buried in several pieces would be my guess. Crikey! It's a strange world we are living in these days, wot wif 'omicidal maniacs attacking 'igh class British women. Don't forget that Princess Diana died when she went abroad! I fink we ought to cut off relations wif the outside world entirely and rebuild 'Adrian's Wall, only around the coastlines this time, if you follow... - Albert McSwiggins, faithful servant to Rutledge 'Ouse |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST Date: 08 Dec 04 - 10:47 PM |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Rapparee Date: 08 Dec 04 - 11:05 PM Just leaves you speechless, doesn't it? |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 09 Dec 04 - 09:10 AM Beats hell out of those interminable fart stories about Paw and Cletus and all that...it's always nice to hear about the trials and tribulations of the upper classes, I think. It imbues them with greater humanity. :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 09 Dec 04 - 10:04 AM "...trials and tribulations of the upper classes"??? Aw, gimme a break! When's the last time Penelope had to worry about the fact that all the money she'd budgeted for Christmas presents just went down the tube 'cause the washin' machine went south? Just another example of how the media sensationalizes the lives of the upper class so those of us on the bottom won't realize how crappy our lot is! "Here's a taste of what the hoity-toities are doing. Just imagine what it would be like if you were one of 'em! Since your own life sucks so badly, just escape into vicarious experience!" C'mon, Mc Swiggins, admit it! You really hate being a lackey to that pompous bitch. Next time you've got a garden trowel in your hand when the twat walks by, show her what it's really for! |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,DC Henry Osgood, Twillingsgate Police Date: 09 Dec 04 - 10:37 AM From the office of: Detective Constable Henry Osgood, Twillingsgate Police The Twillingsgate police are seeking information regarding the whereabouts of an individual known only as "Bee-dubya-ell". Mr. "Ell" is purported to have recently made remarks of a threatening nature aimed at noted Twillingsgate socialite, Ms Penelope Rutledge. Specifically, he is wanted for questioning regarding an attempt to hire Mr. Albert McSwiggins, long-time gardener for the Rutledge estate, to do bodily harm to Ms. Rutledge. There is also the matter of a prior incident in which Ms Penelope Rutledge was injured on the face by a sharp object of some description. While Ms Rutledge has filed no charges of assault in the matter, we would be very interested in learning what Mr. "Ell" might know about it. Mr "Ell" and Ms Rutledge have a long history of enmity and he should be considered dangerous and, quite possibly, deranged. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please contact this office. Do not, we repeat, DO NOT attempt to apprehend Mr. "Ell". |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell's Mum Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:15 PM Now, you fokes is blowin' this all outta perportion! Bee-dubya's not a bad sort. Shore ee's a Comm'nis' an' a rabblerouser but 'eed not ebber hurt a fly. Ee's mos'ly mouf, ee is. That Mizz Rutledge's got naught t' worry aboot from Bee-dubya. She jus' remin's 'im of thet Emily Dickerson woman thet ee dislikes so much. I luv Mizz Dickerson m'self an' I useta make Bee-dubya read 'er pomes t' me when I'd take sick. An' I wuz sick a lot so Bee-dubya kinda got sick of Mizz Dickerson's pomes. The ee wen' off ter University an' studied English Literture an' they made 'im take a poetry course where they stoodied Mizz Dickerson's pomes an' Bee-dubya tried t' throttle 'is perfesser an' it wuz a terrible scene. But after thet year in thet nice instertution they tol' us ee wuz all better an' cud go git a job at McDonald's er sumpin' an' ee's naught been in trouble since. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 09 Dec 04 - 05:21 PM Ha! Apprehend him? Bee-dubya-ell is beyond apprehension! (He's too stupid to get scared, even in the presence of extreme danger.) He's beyond comprehension too... |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC Date: 10 Dec 04 - 09:36 AM Mr. Hawk, no man or woman is without fear. I'm quite certain that Mr. Ell lives with fear -- the fear of receiving a good thrashing for what he has said about Miss Rutledge. That he is able to carry on with his pitiful life is a tribute not to his courage but to the infintessimal spark of human spirit he must possess. Damn, but I wish I could convince these medicos to release me on convalescent leave! |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST Date: 10 Dec 04 - 09:58 AM A good thrashing eh! Nigel would you be interested in purchasing some photographs of the said Penelope tied spread-eagled to her four poster, wearing a very fetching red satin basque, suspending belt, stockings and six inch heels, whilst being sounded whipped with a riding crop |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Tweed Date: 10 Dec 04 - 12:24 PM Yaz, GUEST, and please send my cut in thet performance az it wabz I with the crop and the maksk!! Thet old harpy insisted on habving me on hand to beat her and obv course I could not get thar fast enough. HAW! She is a wretched thing, not to be pityed so "carry the rag away from yore face". Yores, Tweed PS. Dere Pennlopper, Aslo, I am glad to see thet you are back here again and fully recovered. Am hoping you will feel free to call whenebver you need to be thrashed. Send plane fair for two az I expect Beedubs would like to get in on some obv this too. T |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Roger Lawless Date: 10 Dec 04 - 01:04 PM Blimey! That'd be a sight to see! I'll not sleep for a week now you've put that vision in my head, Guest. I wish I had such photos, I would sell them to that emaciated git, Estuary, at the Twillingsgate Herald and have enough quid in my hand to retire for life! LOL! Does this mean Penelope has other keen interests apart from rescuing homeless poodles and cats and overawing the competition at afternoon tea? This could rival the Buggeroll scandal at the Ramsbottom's last year...all it needs is the addition of an unwilling sheep. LMFAO! |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,William Bullock Date: 10 Dec 04 - 02:48 PM I can provide such a sheep for a nominal fee of only 20 pounds. Contact the Bullock Farm south of Market Weighton. I can provide a willing sheep also, at an additional cost of 25 Pounds. A stallion will cost you 500 pounds. A breeding bull is 1000 Pounds. I am willing to render me own services for 1500 plus travel expenses. |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: Raggytash Date: 12 Dec 04 - 02:45 PM Estuary old fruit, have to come clean now old fellow. It would seem, in view of Penners nuptuals, that my photographs may have some commercial value, don't like to discuss these things on the web old man, be a good chap and send me a PM of what you're willing to pay, give you the first refusal before I go to the red rags. Tally Ho What |
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Subject: RE: BS: La Rutledge Returns to Twillingsgate!!! From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:11 PM By Gawd! The gadflies are emerging out of the woodwork now. Winston, old chap, I am utterly gobsmacked! You've outdone yourself this time. As far as I'm concerned all bets are off. We stand even. Agreed? |
