BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:57 AM

Just refreshing this thread so it doesn't fall off the page yet. It's hard to imagine that such an important social event would go unnoticed by such a large number of Mudcatters. Or perhaps they have noticed it and are just too stunned and shocked to post a rejoinder, insult, or snide remark at this time. Let's give 'em another day.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 10:36 AM

Thanks for the thought, Bee-dub. You're a swell guy.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 10:17 AM

Gee, and here I was thinking the lucky groom was going to be Chongo Chimp.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Angelique Forget
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 09:13 PM

It is going to be a big surprise to many, but I am sending my good wishes to Penelope Rutledge on the news of her marriage. Although we have been great, even deadly enemies in the past, I am recently much in debt to Ms Rutledge and have decided to declare a truce. She has proven to be both resolute and compassionate, which was not my expectation. She shows more character than is usual with the rich, who are normally the sworn enemies of the common people. She may yet transcend her sheltered upbringing. I have some concerns regarding her choice of a husband, but it is her lookout and I think she is tough enough to meet the challenge of dealing with even him. I would not marry him on any condition, but so what? He is of her class and her neighborhood, and that can count for a lot, I suppose.

I have to report the tragic death of two soldiers of the Paris Commune, the radical political action group I am proud to be a member of. Pierre and Jean-Paul died courageously in action in Barcelona at the hands of the Spanish fascist pigs in the employ of the rich swine Arturo Espinoza. God rest their souls! I am happy to report that they despatched four of the jack-booted scoundrels, but only succeeded in wounding the arch-pig Espinoza, who continues to profit obscenely off the labours of the poor. His day will come!

I am convalescing nicely in the bosom of Mother France and will soon be ready to resume the class struggle with full gusto.

Malcolm also sends his regards and his thanks for services rendered. He is thinking to write an epic poem in honour of your marriage. He attends to me with the usual tenderness and concern, and I wish that you, Penelope, would find similar comfort in your marriage on which you now embark.

As always,

- Angelique

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:30 PM

Cor! Wot a splendid occasion it was. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a baby, I did. Well, summat like a baby. It's celebratory drinks all around and a Christmas bonus for the staff at both 'ouses like never before! I'm right sorry to 'ear from those wot 'ave broken 'earts tonight and I can only say: 'ave a drink on me! And then 'ave another! It's the best remedy. It's wot I intend to do right now, so I am signin' off!

Albert McSwiggins, Gardener

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,ABASS
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:16 PM

But what about me? I won't be able to get over it for some time.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:05 PM

Just a quick entry on the laptop here. Major Nigel West was indeed the Best Man at our wedding, and has proven himself a true gentleman and friend, a man who is not found wanting in time of need. Penelope and I regard him with great affection and respect, and number him among the very best that England has in these lamentable times.

The remark I made to that press vulture, Mortimer Estuary, was nothing more than a joke. I just couldn't resist frustrating his slimy attempts to glean further gossip.

We have rented a cozy little retreat in the Cotswolds and look forward to spending a few days in relative peace here.

My best wishes to all of our friends and supporters and to the domestic staff who did their utmost to assist us and whose loyalty and sensitivity has been above and beyond the call of duty!

Yours,

WWJ

p.s. Guest E.M., don't be silly. Life does not end with the failure of a transatlantic fantasy romance. Pick yourself up, man, have a drink or two, and get on with it. You will never win a woman with such histrionics...or if you did, she wouldn't be worth the bother. As for your parrot, I hardly think it needs a therapist! You are the one who needs a therapist. I just arranged to buy a parrot from someone on Ebay as a matter of fact, as a wedding present for Penelope, and for all I know it may be yours, old chap. But probably not... Have a stiff drink or two and forget about it. That's my advice.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Another Benighted - and Slighted - Suitor
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:52 PM

In the words of a lovely old American country song, I can only say:

"I suppose i oughta say congratulations
For you've won the only girl I've ever loved
but T hurt too much to face the situation
Take good care of her. Take good care of her

"Just to be around her was my greatest pleasure
She was everything my future had in store
So remember when you take my only treasure:
Take good care of her. Take good care of her

"I must accept it - she loves you more than me
So with my broken heart i'll bow out gracefuly
please don't send me any wedding invitation
For I couldn't bear to see her there with you
If she's happy, it will be my consolation
Oh, take good care of her. Take good care of her."

sob

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:52 PM

I don't think I've been quite so...moved...by a poem since the hogs ate my brother.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,E.M.
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:47 PM

That's it. I am finished. My life is over. I have lost all hope and see no solution but to make an end of things in the most fitting way possible. Three years of utter dedication to the divine Ms Rutledge, my goddess in this Earthly realm, my entire reason for existence...three years of impassioned love poems and gifts sent by mail from Massachusetts...all have proven fruitless! She has married that intolerable monster, that licentious demon, Wellington-Jones! Oh the horror of it! In the extremity of my despair, knowing that my final hour is near, I wish to be remembered only by this, my most ardent and expressive poem of the 712 I have written to Ms Rutledge. Hopefully she has kept the original copy I sent her, and some distant day perhaps she will find it, read it again and remember me, and a tear will fall on those pages, written in the blood of my perishing soul!

Ode to Ms Rutledge

Penelope Rutledge, O Vision sublime!
I think of you often, and wish you were mine
I think of you tripping down library stairs
The sun on your bonnet, the wind in your hair
No melody bright could express all you are
No vision of light and no heavenly star
No sunrise at dawn could encompass your grace
No vista at twilight could e'er match your face
I sit in my room and envision you now
The queen of my conscience, the wave at my bow
My ships are all stranded, now wretched they pine
No sails on their yardarms, no grapes on my vine
My vineyards are barren, my cats have no mice
My parrot has sought therapeutic advice
My hallway is empty, my phone's on the fritz
Penelope Rutledge, I love you to bits!
My hopes they are waning, as silent I wait
Intolerably distant from fair Twillingsgate
If not for thy grace I would plunge from the skies
As an albatros falls to his final demise
Yet hope springs anew with each stroke of my pen
That my words may yet sway you, and move you, and then
That together at last we may write history
With me beside you, dear, and you beside me
Penelope Rutledge, O Vision sublime!
I think of you often, and wish you were mine

E.M. (Ever Madly in love with you!)

Alas! This is adieu, Penelope! This is the Final Farewell!

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:25 PM

One who truly lives is one who suffers but who can rejoice in the happiness of others.

I stood as "Best Man" to Wellington-Jones. He asked me to do so, and when I found I was being released on convalescent leave I rang him up and told him when I would be in Twillingsgate.

Miss Rutledge was a vision of loveliness and her eyes sparkled like the antique diamond that was placed upon her finger. After the ceremony she kissed me on the cheek.

For all of our differences, Wellington-Jones and I both have Miss Rut...sorry, Penelope's...welfare and happiness at heart. I have made it quite clear to Wellington-Jones that it would certainly be in his best interests to insure her future welfare and happiness. He need only remember what happened not too very long ago on Malcolm Bugeroll.

And now, another brandy.

Subject: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 05:46 PM

In what is probably the biggest story since...

the end of World War II?

1066?

The Flood?

Well, it's hard to say, but, YES, you heard it here first and it's all true!!!

In a small private ceremony attended only by close family members and friends, Twillingsgate's most famous socialite, Ms Penelope Rutledge, was married earlier today to....are you ready for this...?

(take a deep breath and sit down...)














Winston Wellington-Jones!

Yes, the well-known local scion of the Wellington-Joneses and childhood playmate and companion of Ms Rutledge has stolen a march on all possible rivals and won the hand of his beloved in a storybook love match that will surely stir the hearts of many and leave a few aggrieved persons gasping for breath!

Wellington-Jones and Ms Rutledge grew up as neighbours, with the Rutledge Mansion and the Wellington-Jones Estate situated side by side in the most prestigious section of all Twillingsgate on lovely Imperial Drive, with their properties merging at the back into the verdant expanses of Idlewood Forest. It was there that the young Penelope and Winston frolicked as children in the 1980's and where the ten-year-old Winston once kissed Penelope under the gazebo (the Rutledge gazebo, to be precise).

Despite that early incident, seemingly favorable to his suit, Winston sporadically wooed Penelope in his late teens and twenties with no success, while he also was known to be...interested...in a great many other Twillingsgate damsels. Indeed Winston and Penelope had been known to quarrel sharply on more than a few occasions, although these disagreements, based on philosophical differences one assumes, never seriously threatened to end their abiding friendship nor to cause enmity between their families.

Ms Rutledge was recently linked romantically with the dashing Major Nigel West, who is presently recuperating from wounds suffered in Iraq...and with the notorious Spanish playboy Arturo Espinoza. In events that still remain mysterious Ms Rutledge returned from Spain in early December with a mark on her left cheek which some say could be...a duelling scar. Fortunately, the said scar is rather small and does not seriously compromise Ms Rutledge's appearance.

Indeed, the bride was reputed to be glowing at the ceremony, where she appeared dressed in traditional white with a stunning jeweled tiara. As Mr Wellington-Jones placed the ring on her finger there was reputedly not a dry eye in the entire assemblage. Wellington-Jones was well turned out in a tuxedo and tails, with a red carnation on the lapel.

Ms Rutledge is well known for her pioneering efforts in securing homes for homeless animals. She is also an accomplished equestrian, an amateur polo player, and a fine hand with the epee, the saber, and the rapier. Mr Wellington-Jones is a polo player and equestrian of top level, an avid marksman and sportsman, and an aficionado of vintage sports cars and medieval weaponry and heraldry.

The Twillingsgate Herald has been unable to ascertain who the Best Man was at the wedding, but we did have a moment to put the question to Mr Wellington-Jones this evening just before he and Ms Rutledge sped off in his Bentley to an undisclosed honeymoon location.

"So, you want to know who the best man was, do you, Estuary?" he quipped. "You're looking at him!" And with that, off they went.

So, there you have it. All these years we've been anticipating an enormous public marriage attended by everyone who is anyone in Twillingsgate and surrounding areas...and Ms Rutledge and her new husband Winston have had a good joke on all of us, making off with it right under our noses! I, for one, can only admire their good tactical judgement in this regard. The Christmas festivities at Rutledge Mansion and Wellington-Jones Estate promise to be lavish beyond expectation. The parties prodigious. The libations legendary. Be there! We at the Twillingsgate Herald certainly shall be.

- Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald, Evening *Special* Edition