BS: Anti True Love

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Jan 05 - 12:09 PM

A woman on her deathbed says to her husband, "I have a secret I want to tell you. Go to the closet and reach to the very back of the top shelf, and bring me the shoebox you find there."

Her husband returns with the requested shoebox, and opens it at his wife's instruction. He sees two crocheted doilies and a huge wad of cash. "What's all this?" he asks.

"Well," she begins, "when we first married, my grandmother had some advice for me. She said, anytime you feel yourself getting angry with your husband, don't yell at him, but sit down and crochet a doily instead. I thought that was good advice."

"Why, yes," agrees the husband, feeling rather pleased with himself. "I see there are only two doilies here. But where did all the money come from?"

"From selling all the other doilies."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: JulieF
Date: 26 Jan 05 - 04:52 AM

It never ceases to amaze me how much more complicated many other people's lives are than mine. My main problem at this time of year is that I am one of the few people who can genuinely claim to be alergic to St Valentine's Day. Last year I went to the supermarket feeling quite well. There were bunches of roses everywhere, not just on the stands but almost every male above the age of eight had a bunch in their hands as they went round.   Would have been ok if it was just roses but its the little white flowers that go with them that I have the problem with. Left the supermarket with supreeme hayfever and spent the weekend wheezing. Its very lucky that no one sends me flowers.

Julie

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: LadyJean
Date: 26 Jan 05 - 01:36 AM

A friend emailed me recently and told me her husband had eloped with a priest. I think the priest was Episcopal, but apparently he was a male. (Meaning the priest not her husband. Husbands are generally male. Though my sister's last partner but one had a very respectable mustache. My sister's love life is one of the finer arguments against romance I can think of and all of her significant others have been ladies. But that's another story.)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: JulieF
Date: 25 Jan 05 - 10:53 AM

Mary

I reserve judgment on the issue being only two years out of my only relationship ( 21 years wan't a bad run I suppose).   All I really wanted to to do with this thread was to gather a few jokes for a friend who is going through a nasty divorce. This time of year doesn't help as it acn get very lovey dovey and very couple orientated.

Personaly I plan to celebrate St Valentines day by learning a couple of blues songs which I will not sing out as blues sounds strange with my accent but good to sing round the house. I may sing 'Don't get Married Girls' in the next couple of weeks and see how many musicians I can upset.

Just keep the jokes coming if poss.

Thanks
Julie

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: mg
Date: 24 Jan 05 - 10:47 PM

I believe in true love. I don't think everyone is going to get it, although they deserve to. In this day and age there are many forces mitigating against it, and too many options that are somewhat satisfying for the time being but are not the real thing. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 24 Jan 05 - 05:40 PM

The pig ran onto the field at a baseball game, ate the ball and ran the bases. The very first inside-the-pork home run.

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jan 05 - 06:45 PM

A large number of Homer & Jethro parodies are worth investigating for this subject....

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: LadyJean
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 11:09 PM

I was at a New Year's Eve party. The hostesses had a pot bellied pig for a pet. The pig got into the house, drank a glass of beer then ran around grunting, because there wasn't any more. That's when I knew it was true. Men ARE pigs!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 10:20 PM

A fellow divorced 15 times realizes he is addicted to marriage.--- He finally swears off marriage. Instead, now, every seven years he finds a woman who hates him and gives her his house.

(Always cures him for a while.)

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: gnu
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 06:08 AM

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Teresa
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 10:27 PM

Weather is here; wish you were nice.

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: annamill
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 10:16 PM

Bert, did you mean Bill Sables?

I love you, Bert.

Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: M.Ted
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 10:04 PM

That wonderful Dan Hicks song, "How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?"

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 06:34 AM

- 'It's nice to see a husband treat his wife like you, calling her a "treasure" and stuff...'

- ' Yea, it's 'cos everyone's asking me "where did you dig her up from?"'

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: frogprince
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 05:38 PM

I'm so mizurble without you, it's like havin' you around...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 05:35 PM

Ah, men... you can't live with 'em and you can't live with 'em.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 12:59 PM

Well I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could've done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right.

My favourite verse in any song ever.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 12:53 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
   One day, miraculously, he came to. He motioned for her to come nearer.
   As she sat beside him and held his hand, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "Darling, I know you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what that tells me?"
   "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
   "I think you're bad luck."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 12:51 PM

He said: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world tonight."
She said: "Well, I guess I'll miss you, though."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: JulieF
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 04:04 AM

Come on I'm sure there are more jokes out there. We need them as an antidote for the mush of Valentine's day.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 02:40 AM

The Assassin Song

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Bert
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:18 AM

Bill Staples sings this great song "Don't get married Girls"

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: LadyJean
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:11 AM

From my mother:
She) Nobody loves me and my hands are cold.
He) God loves you and you can SIT on your hands.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Cluin
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:03 AM

He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said: Well, you succeeded.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: GUEST,bflat
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:56 PM

When it is good it is great and when it ain't, it ain't.

Ellen

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Mudlark
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:38 PM

Makin' Whoopee. ("you'd better keep her, I think it's cheaper..." is fiduciary, not amoratory!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: GUEST,Peter Woodruff
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 08:42 PM

"That's what you get for lovin' me" Gordon Lightfoot.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 08:32 PM

"Love is a series of darlings and dearies of honeys and sweeties and sugared entreaties of moonings and swoonings and cooings and billings all tempered of course with occasional killings" - The Chad Mitchell Trio

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Burke
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 08:27 PM

The Carter Family song, "Single Girl, Married Girl"

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 07:10 PM

Three rings of marriage:

Engagement ring

Wedding Ring

Suffering

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Don Firth
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 06:41 PM

From the repertoire of Walt Robertson:

The World's Shortest Folk Song

You stole my wife
You horse thief!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: hilda fish
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 06:05 PM

Isn't "and he/she died alone and unloved", the anti true love joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:06 AM

And then there's this, one of my favorite short songs: I Had a Wife

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 10:12 AM

Remeber this and you won't go far wrong.

It is better to have loved and lost...............

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:31 AM

Was that a joke, then?

Is it time to laugh?

WIsh you'd warn us.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Anti True Love
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:24 AM

I had three wives and truly loved them all.
The first died of a drug overdose!
The second died of a drug overdose!
The third died from a caved in skull!
She wouldn't take the drugs!
Best wishes.

Subject: BS: Anti True Love
From: JulieF
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 08:50 AM

Looking for anti true love jokes for a friend. Any help appreciated.

J