BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!

Subject: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: GUEST,Hector Ballsworthy, the Independent Press
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 02:54 PM

Dateline: Kingston upon Hull, February 9, 2005

BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!

A number of disquieting rumours have been heard recently regarding a possible looming crisis in the production and supply of beer in the world at large. These were thought to be only unfounded panic-mongering by poorly informed people...or else a marketing ploy by the breweries to increase sales by encouraging hoarding.

Well, I have news for you. It's neither of those. The truth is that an insidious new strain of plant disease called Bali Barley Blight is spreading across the globe even as I speak, wiping out fields of barley at an unprecedented rate. No antidote has been found to prevent the rapid spread of this agricultural pandemic, but its origin has been traced to the island paradise of Bali in the South Pacific.

Bali was in the news not too long ago with the tragic nightclub bombing that killed numerous tourists and local people. Bali Barley Blight is not connected in any way with that incident, however. It remains quite mysterious. The plants develop dark patches and within a few days suffer a 99% fatality rate, leaving behind fields stripped of their crop.

Countries such as the UK, Canada, Russia, and the USA are bracing themselves for what appears to be a crisis almost beyond imagination.

I predict that in a year from now the price of beer will have appreciated by 900% or more, while the rapidly declining availability of the bubbly brew will lead to periodic "dry-outs", as local beer outlets in many regions close for lack of product on the shelves.

There will be violence in the streets as organized crime attempts to smuggle contraband beer, stolen beer, and near-beer to an increasingly desperate public willing to pay almost anything for a brew.

Within 2 to 3 years, martial law will be declared and beer will be reserved only for the social elite, the well-heeled, those with friends in high places.

And after that? Revolution, my friends. Bloody revolution.

We may be facing the collapse of civilization as we know it. Bali Barley Blight, when analyzed in my patented numeric divining system, yields the code "666". Do you think that's a coincidence? I don't! Stay tuned for updates on this burgeoning crisis from the only news service that DARES to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I am Hector Ballsworthy, independent journalist, and I will not be intimidated or put down while there is a world left to bequeathe to our children! Read my columns in the Independent Press and remember our motto:

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:10 PM

It would be best if Shane does not hear about this at all.

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:43 PM

This is very bad news to beer makers everywhere, with the notable exception of major U.S. breweries like Busch and Miller. Their beers can be made just as easily using oats or alfalfa. Just feed 'em to the same horse they've been feeding the barley to.

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: pdq
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:51 PM

It has been proven numerous times that a near facsimile of Budweiser can be made from dried leaves or lawn clippings.

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:52 PM

You mean they've actually been using barley up to now?

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: gnu
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:00 PM

Ya know, for all the horseshit thrown at Bud, they still manage to stay in the business... and dominate the market.

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: pdq
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:07 PM

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." H. L. Mencken

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:38 PM

No, but people have definitely gone broke overestimating their taste and/or intelligence. People have failed to get elected by doing that too. In recent memory.

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:46 PM

I have a more apt headline:

BLOODY BUGGERING BASTARD BALLSWORTHY BLABBERS BOLLOCKS...

- WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:40 PM

BE A BIT BENIGNER - BUD!

Subject: RE: BS: BALI BARLEY BLIGHT BLUDGEONS BEER!
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 07:03 PM

Really? Shame wheat beer is rather nice as well...