BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'

Subject: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Nemesis
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 12:28 PM

i.e., Nemesis dishes the dirt on-screen in Autumn 2005 for Channel 4, "How Clean Is Your House?" series three.

Media-whore's blog DAY 3:
I've just had two days, ankle-deep in mud, on a farm on deepest darkest Romney Marshes, surrounded by a ring of menacing turkeys on the horizon (cue: outtake TV clips with "Zulu" sound track) in a BRIGHT RED catering truck (big mistake: Red = Attack of the Killer Turkeys), bearing on-camera witness to my best friend being an unreconstructed slut for the past three decades.. Why? So that two feisty (i.e., undaunted and pristine) female TV Celebs in rubber gloves and stiletto heels can demonstrate the redeeming powers of lemon juice, vinegar and borax… (and sell more tie-in books and merchandise presumably?)

(Yeah, "borax!" to that I hear you say?)

Anyway, being the swan (and turkey, goat and sheep) song of my embryonic and hitherto unremunerated broadcasting career – at least this time my expenses got paid!! – (before gainful employment aka getting a proper job, in the real world), you might well ask: "Media whore, media whore, what is it that you're good for?" (copyright Attila the Stockbroker)….

Well,. Good for asking you …DOES ANYONE ELSE (in the UK) WANT THEIR HOUSE BLITZED AND CLEANED? They urgently need more and interesting peoples' "houses" to "do" … they pay you a small fee (and the crew are touchingly careful and respectful and HUGE fun, NICE people!) and your house gets cleaned!!!

So, if you can't cut it in the cleaning stakes - PM me for info now!!.
Nem
xx (Mwah, mwah, air kiss , dahlings!)

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 12:31 PM

If Manitas should contact you, tell him the melodeons get pride of place in the skip if he so much as thinks about getting those two Nazi Stormtrooping, overpaid, painted daughters of Satan anywhere near this house!

If they want to clean something, send them to the nearest hospital!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 12:53 PM

What crap.

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Nemesis
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 01:12 PM

Yes, Guest .. there was ... lots and lots of crap ... 10 solid years worth of duck, goat, sheep, turkey, chicken crap all trodden in and through the entire house .. and as I cleared it all up for them - once, 10 years ago - I was hugely relieved some one else was doing it now!!

And Liz, you don't seriously think "they" do the cleaning do you? They flit in - film sound bites and then retire to the trailer - while a dedicated team scrubs away. And, besides, that's the "image" they are very nice people off-camera!!!

Melodeons? Head to head with: 300 years-worth of ancestral antiques (which I packed up a decade ago) now buried (literally, under 3 foot of muck)? Nah! They don't come anywhere near it!!

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: gnu
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 02:46 PM

I saw them on Oprah. Amazing what passes for entertainment.

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Sorcha
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 03:01 PM

I wish...wanna pop over the pond? This place is filthy!

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 04:33 PM

Rather than let my fellow 'Catters be the subjects of backbiting by townspeople and have fingers of shame pointed at them --

                      Cleaning Tips

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out
that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and
exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them
& call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I' love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn
on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave
dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: gnu
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 04:50 PM

Rapaire... when were you at my house?

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 06:03 PM

Ours isn't really dirty, just very very cluttered.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 08:08 PM

Oooooooo.

Subject: RE: BS: re. BS Nemesis gets 'down and dirty'
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 05 - 10:42 PM

The problem is the bodies. I've varnished them and so they keep well, but they do get so dusty. I've tried and tried, but they seem to attract dust. I've tried stacking them in various ways, too, but dust still accumulates. Great-great Aunt Esmeralda is probably the worst, followed by my half-Great Uncle Frank. I've even tried covering them back up with the shrouds, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm about at my wits' end with this problem, and suggests are welcome.