BS: I ain't responsable!!!

Subject: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 09:59 PM

I been under police harassment today because some fliphead busted a hole in the back door of the Iron Horse Tavern last night and flippin' stole 850 bottles of beer, eh? It wastn't me. I wish it had been...but it wasn't. Trust me on this. I was over on Seldom Seen Road till maybe 2 AM with one of my...fans. After that I was...somewhere...but I don't dismember where. I woke up in fronta the drug store. It was a cop who woke me up and they been buggin' me ever since. I swear I didn't do it. Whoever did do it was smart because they took the bear away first and I guess did not drink it till later. I will hafta remember that the next time I decide to do someithin' similar. It helps not to be too wasted when you are drivin' a getaway truck, eh? Or a snowmoblie. But that's in winter, eh?

So, like, I have been havin' a bad time down at the station with Officer Raymond and Officer Cinnnanni. Cinnanni is a big flippon' Italian cop who thinks he is Al Pachino or somethin'. He has a big ego problem. I hope he runs his crooser into a flippin' moose real soon.

I wish Officer Dana was here to, like, give me a charakter wreckomendashon but she is on duty in Sudbury. What a flippin' drag. I have had better days, eh? I am a pubalished awthor and I don't flippin' deserve this!

I hate cops. Well, most cops. NOt Officer Dana though.

What a flippin' drag.

I wonder where all that beer is now?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Peace
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:03 PM

Bullshit about 850 bottles. There were 763. Bar owner is just tryin' to rip the insurance company.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: khandu
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:05 PM

Is BDiBR and John from Hull the same person??

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:06 PM

Holy Flip! I never thoughta that. I bet you are flippin' right. What a crook, eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:08 PM

Fer flip's sake! NO! I ain't John from Flippin' Hull! He is an idiot. Hull is in Quebec, eh? I am in Blind River, the best part of Ontari-ari-O.

- BDibR

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Peace
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:16 PM

Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 02:12 AM

I believe you, BDiBR- I never mistook you for a responsible person.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 02:20 AM

Ebbie, please be careful here. Shane--under another identity--is a member of the House of Commons. In fact, he's one of the brighter people elected to the House of Commons. Most Canadians are trying real hard to play this whole thing down.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: gnu
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 06:58 AM

850? 763? Then they musta drunk some. Even Shane would steal beer in multiples of two-fours.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 09:36 AM

Okay. Some of the beer, like, turned up. Well, some of the bottles, eh? They was found scattered around in the park. It looks like the guys that took it hadda stop and have some over there. The cops are still suspishus of me, but theyr are givin' thought to that it might not of been me after all. They are widening the search. I figger they will find the mother load soon, but it will probally have been half drunk by then too. They gotta look for people who are so piffled that they can't, like, stand up. There are more than a few of those kind in this town, eh? That will make it more difficult to decide who done it. I have learned one thing though,.\..DON'T flippin' misunderuesstimate cops! They don't give up. They flippin' don't have nothin' else to do, that's why. I call it like compullsive behavyour.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 09:43 AM

Shane

I understand your pain.

First off, the beer goes walkabout and the perpetrators don't have the common decency to let you in on the act Then the Police come along and accuse you, unjustly! I bet you can't even get a beer to drown your sorrows now that the supply has been stolen....

Of all the times for Officer Dana to be absent. Can't rely on those women can you!

Just keep in mind that your Mudcat friends are thinking of you in your hour of need.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Feral Cheryl
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 10:20 AM

Shane, it's time I broke my silence about you 'n me. It rips my heart to hear you rabbiting on about beer, Officer Dana and the police. I have been waiting for you for a long time, waiting for you to sober up, to clean up your act. But you just keep on destroying your brain cells, and embarassing me with your plain stupid behaviour. You come on all nice 'n cosy to officer Dana, I'm the one who cleans up your mess at the end of a long morning.

Catters, I read what he has said in this thread, and I am in shock. I am numb. I say to you, Shane: 'How can you be so stupid?'I tell you here and now that I am leaving.

A Canadian tabloid last week published allegations that Shane had most recently become involved with a 16-year-old waitress named Rebecca Weedon. Weedon alleged Shane had even begged her to persuade his wife Cheryl into having a threesome in a bid to save their 10-year-old relationship.

Shane, I have stood by you through thick and thicker. I have listened to your theories, your burps and your snoring. I have even argued with you on occasion, only for you to tell me that I am a feminasty, and to go jump.

Well Shane, I have packed your checked shirts, your underpants and your beer mug, and have donated them to the War Veterans Retirement Scheme.

I wish you well, and Big Kevin sends you his regards.

Feral Cheryl.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: gnu
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 10:26 AM

You can't be his wife... he's been in jail to often for the co-habitation law to be invoked.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 11:47 AM

I know you, Cheryl. YOu are a flippin' NUTcase! You been goin' on and on fer tyhe last 5 years about bein' my WIFE for a flippin' dogs' age and it ain't true. You need to be drug away by the guys in the white suits, know what I'm sayin'??? Gimme a flippin' brake! So we had a coupla hot sessions in the back of Don's pickup truck in '95 and once in the wahsroom at the park and one time in the bushes out back of the railroad tracks...well, so what! Ask me if I flippin' care!!! Go ahead. ASk me. that was in the 90's, eh? We are in a hole noew centruy now, but you are still re-livin' the flippin' past which is dead and gone! Go away! I can't put it no more simple than that. There are other guys out there, Cheryl. I admit that it ain't easy to find a guy as hot as me, but there ARE other guys and I figger there is one for you who will suite you better than me, know what I'm sayin'? Like...one who is about 5 beer short of a six pack, eh? He'd have to be to date you.

Take off, eh? And don't slam the flippin' door on the way out neither!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 01:55 PM

Peace, are you telling me that Shane was a causative factor in the contest that Canada won? If so, I 'umbly hapologize.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: gnu
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 02:01 PM

No, Ebbie. Shane is one of the few with any sense at all.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 02:13 PM

hahhaha How are your senses?

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Kaleea
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 07:20 PM

Home me the way to go show,
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed,
I had a little hour about a drink ago,
and it went right to my head.
No matter where I go,
on land or sea or foam,
you can always hear me a-singin' this song,
Home me the way to go show.

Now, go sleep it off.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 11:09 PM

Blind River. What would Canada do without it? Ask Neil Young...he has mentioned Blind River in at least one of his songs.

It's the town that gives out bumper stickers that say: "I got blind drunk in Blind River!" (or at least it should be...)

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 11:20 PM

Wood alcohol isn't nice.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Peace
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 11:21 PM

S'all the same to Shane, Ebbie.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 12:31 AM

Cooking wine will do too, if you're desperate. And then, there's screech.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Peace
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 12:36 AM

Didn't he usta drink lotsa vanilla until he started getting hot for an orchid? Strange guy is Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 10:01 PM

There is too much left unsaid here to let this thread slid off the page...

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Beer
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 10:30 PM

Will keep watch.
Beer

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 11:28 PM

Okay. They, like, caught the guys. It was two 17 year old flipheads that live on the south side of town, eh? One guy's mother turned them in. TaLK about major loosers, eh? I heard they was pukin' their guts out from chuggin' all them beers when the cops found 'em. They also stole 300 packs of cigarettes, but only had time to smoke about 15 or 20 packs before they was caught. It is a sorry state of affairs when you get totally inexperienced boltholes like this who can't pull off a beer and tobacco heist and won't, like, do right by their buddies and share the wealth, eh? I hope they flippin' throw the book at these nerfbuckets.

They will probally go easy on them, though, cos it's a first offence.

It flippin' embarrases me that I used to resemble those retreads when I was younger.

So, life goes on, eh? I wonder if Officer Dana will visit tomorrow? She has got to check up on me and Don cos we are still sort of on parole, kind of.

By the way, Don and me have decided to get along again. He said he was sorry about tryin' to put the moves on Officer Dana and I said I was sorry I busted his nose. I just said it to be nice. I'm really flippin' GLAD I busted his nose, but he is my big brother, eh? And he saved my life once in the pen. So I am glad we are pals again. Things are gettin' back to abnormal at last, eh? (That was a joke!)

Decent. I bet tomorrow will be a totally cool day.

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 11:31 PM

I just hope, for your sake Shane, that Officer Dana doesn't have a penchant for younger men.....

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 11:41 PM

Huh? Whaddya mean? I AM a younger guy. Whaddya mean, eh?

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 08:25 AM

Yes, Shane, but TWO seventeen year olds? You may find that she won't have time for you any more.......

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 09:22 AM

I been to Blind River. Lots of people have been to Blind River. Nobody goes back to Blind River. Heck, I've even been to Ontario, just like lots of people have been Haven't gone back since it qualified for...you know....

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 10:43 AM

Yeah? YOu can say what you flippin' want, buddy, but I'll tell ya this: You gotta be HARDCORE to stay in Blind River. You can take that to the flippin' bank, eh? I was born here and I ain't leavin'. WEll, not unless Shania sees the light and we ghet married. then I will move to where she is cos I hear she has big mansions in New Zealand and Europe, eh? I could handle that.

- Shane

Oh...Jacqui! You gotta be flippin' jokin'. Officer Dana ain't stupid, and she would not waste her time on them pathettic wet behind the ears fliphead little zit factory loosers. She is the kind who wants a real man, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 12:06 PM

Well , I hope you're right there Shane - you've got enough on your plate already without adding a broken heart.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 12:19 PM

Yer flippin' right about that.

What I could use on my plate right now is some pizza. Hmmm.

Look, jacqui, you seem like a decent girl, know what I'm sayin'? If you should come to Blind River, the jewell of NOrth Ontario, one of these days, stop off eithert at the Tim Hortons donut shop or at the Iron Horse Tavern. You will likely find me there. I will be wearin' a hat that says either:

"Go Leafs Go!"

or

"I'm With the Idiot ---->"

or

"FREE SEX" (with a arrow pointing down toward my lower body, eh?)

You will not find me hard to find cos I am a legend in this town. Just ask for Shane. Shane McBride. Don't bother with other guys named Shane here. There are a few but they don't measure up.

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 12:21 PM

I'll remember that Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 12:41 PM

Dude, I checked out Blind River.

You got about 4,000 people there, Girl Guides, stuff like that. The "Events" calender for the town listed a softball game in the lot behind the Legion building in June (no beer permitted), a (cancelled) dance at the Legion in April, and a Canada Day Town Picnic (also cancelled). In 1861 the town had 12,520 people and it's been losing population ever since: by the year 2015 it's expected that it will be smaller than Iqaluit, and by the next year it will have blown away. The people who live there list "leaving" as their main goal in life, followed by "getting snockered" as their second.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 01:30 PM

I don't know where you get yer flippin' facts, Rapaire, but you are flipped upsidedown and sideways, man! If I had a dog like you I would have the flipper put donw. I don't flippin' believe there were 12,520 people here in 1861, eh? No way. No WAY, man. There is a lot of sex in this place. There ain't much to do, so people drink and have sex, eh? If there had been over 12,000 people here in 1861, which was at least a century ago, I figger there would be 50,000 here by now, with the teen mother birth rate, know what I'm sayin'?

The reason the dance at the Legion got cancelled was because someone stole the dance fund money. Can you believe that? Some people just can't flippin' be trusted, eh? I figger it was an out-of-towner, like from Wawa or Pickle Lake or somethin'. Wawa and Pickle Lake are full of boltholes who would steal their own mother's money right out of her perse without thinkin' twice aobut it.

This town rocks, man. I am serious. Blind River...love it or leave it.

- BDiBR (Shane)

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 01:38 PM

Look, the town says it's got about 4,000 people right now. That means that there was at least 5,000 people a while back (that's one parent per present person, and probaly more like 6,000 cuz some of them were married or at least shacking up). So let's say that 20 years back there was 6,000 people there. Then they all had parents, ya know? so forty or fifty years ago there were 12,000 people there. So back in 1861 those 12,520 people were just the beginning population, the folks that founded the town. But this is higher math, like calculus, and ya gotta be able to do calculus to unnerstand this. And the Toronto newspapers said that the reason they didn't allow beer at the softball game was because too many people were givin' it to dogs and kids instead of drinkin' it themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 01:45 PM

Wow...

Heavy, man.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: GUEST,Blind River in Blind DRunk
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 01:48 PM

Holy flip, man. You are startin' to scare me. That kind of makes sense, eh?

You could be right, Rapaire. I gotta think about this some. Flip.

This place coudl, like, become a goast town evenshually.

- BDiBR (Shane)

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: gnu
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 02:30 PM

Dale here. gnu's gone to the powerhouse. He told me never to use his computer, but, like, this is serious man. Ya know?

Shane ya hoser. Don't listen to that Yank. Why do ya think they call them Yanks eh? He's yankin yer chain man. Ya know? He ain't never been to Blind River, let alone Ontario... or he woulda stayed on accounta you got real beer, right man? Ya know? An real women. Ya know? I bet he's just like all them other Yanks what don't know why our beer has more alcohol in it right man? Ya know? I mean like, if he brought his own beer, it would freeze at the border right man? Ya know? He didn't even know Blind River is in Ontario right? It is right?

Okay, I gotta go cause I can hear gnu tryin ta get in the door. I hope he doesn't break the chair I put against the knob eh? He's like a real knob when someone messes with his stuff eh? Ya know?

Yer buddy Dale
Salmon River, New Brunswick

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 05:00 PM

Way to go, Dale. It's always good to hear from a "Down-Easter" like yourself. Stay cool, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 05:49 PM

Good beer? Like Molsons or Blue? They both taste like Budweiser now. Gimme a beer with taste, a beer that doesn't taste and look like it was just dipped outa the toilet. Smithwicks, maybe. Or Moose Drool. Or better, some GOOD Canadian whiskey.

Subject: RE: BS: I ain't responsable!!!
From: gnu
Date: 28 Jul 05 - 10:27 AM

Hey Rap... you can get Moose in Ontario... even in Mexico