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BS: First line of a bad novel...
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Subject: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Alice Date: 15 May 06 - 02:17 PM I'm sure Mudcatters can come up with some "first lines of a bad novel" aka "Dark and Stormy Night". Here is mine: "Heather's preparation for this night had been a long creative struggle, but finally, as she edged her way through the crowd with her acoustic guitar, tossing her many long, thin, braided and beaded strands of blonde hair, the spotlight on the microphone at the far end of the pub beckoned her forward, and she knew in her heart that all those rhymes written on the pages of her tear-stained diary would reveal at last to the world that she will be the greatest singer-songwriter of her generation." Alice ------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP 10 BULWER-LYTTON CONTEST WINNERS This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel: 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it." 9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens." 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'" 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store." 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." AND THE WINNER IS... 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: John MacKenzie Date: 15 May 06 - 02:21 PM Tom Forrest was madly in love with Teresa Green. G |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Little Hawk Date: 15 May 06 - 02:36 PM Oh dear. Look, I think the first lines in real bestsellers are often worse than most of those bogus ones above, because the ones above have clearly been concocted as a joke. It's stuff that is unintentionally bad and presents itself in all seriousness that really rates as BAAAAAAD! So I suggest that instead of composing phony bad first lines, just go out to the local used book store and collect real ones instead. The one about the Narrows is damn funny, though. ;-P But...the river doesn't have to widen following a narrows...it could become a waterfall, it could disappear into a lake or an ocean or an underground grotto...any number of possibilities really. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Janie Date: 15 May 06 - 02:40 PM In the dim, amorphous shadow seemed to shiver in the flickering candlelight as Maurice peered out into the ghastly gloom. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Little Hawk Date: 15 May 06 - 02:44 PM That sentence is missing its subject, Janie. Try putting the word "something" in between "shadow" and "seemed"...and THEN, by golly, you are on your way to a Lovecraftian masterpiece! Also, I suggest you say "ghastly, greenish, gathering gloom". That has more ooomph. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Little Hawk Date: 15 May 06 - 02:45 PM When the hero is named Maurice, the possibilities for drama are extremely good. Excellent choice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Janie Date: 15 May 06 - 02:57 PM It should have read "The dim...." Yeh--Maurice is gooood;>) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: katlaughing Date: 15 May 06 - 03:02 PM As she cast her one good eye eastward towards the rising sun, her wall-eye roved on its own, picking out dust motes in the already searing heat of the desert's worst day at high noon. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Janie Date: 15 May 06 - 03:19 PM Oooooooooh, Kat. Good one! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Bill D Date: 15 May 06 - 03:20 PM oh, my! I have the first 3 books of the Bulwer-Lytton madness on the rack by the toilet....many strange giggles over the years! I am not sure I could write one, as I try too hard to 'make sense'.. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Jerry Rasmussen Date: 15 May 06 - 04:02 PM "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Jerry |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Little Hawk Date: 15 May 06 - 04:12 PM Wasted...utterly and completely wasted...these were the words that best described the life of Bernard Codswallop, as his nicotine-stained fingers strained one more time, despite the encroaching symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome, to type the final telling devastating rebuttal that would end for all time the pathetic attempts of his numerous misguided opponents on his favorite Internet forum to prove that their view of the world, society, God, and life itself was right, when Bernard knew for an absolute certainty that they were all completely wrong and that their every utterance was stupid, futile, silly, offensive, and downright idiotic, and that they all should have been aborted or put out on the ice pack at birth. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Amos Date: 15 May 06 - 04:12 PM He had spent hours, but he knew, now, without much doubt, that he could not figure out what had happened, why it had happened, who the stranger was, or even when it had happened. He was puzzled. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Bill D Date: 15 May 06 - 04:13 PM "rhymes" needs more words modifying it, Alice..and the 'the greatest S-S of her generation' could use some flowery tweaking.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Little Hawk Date: 15 May 06 - 04:42 PM "He" isn't the only one, Amos. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: katlaughing Date: 15 May 06 - 04:48 PM "A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow casket" is what she sang as they loaded her Dearly Defarted's body into the sleek, long, shiny black hearse drawn by four sleek, tall, shiny black horses with sleek, tall plumages standing erectly from their heads as they snorted and flung their noses in the air, eager to begin pulling the sleek, long, shiny black hearse...green and yellow being the clown's favourite colours, that is. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Kaleea Date: 15 May 06 - 05:02 PM The ornate minute hand of great Uncle Percival's grandfather's grandfather clock dipped ever downward into the recesses of time toward the place on the clockface where the hour hand had been before great Aunt Kokie grabbed her favorite Ivory handled double barreled shotgun, as she recalled that it was made for her by Mr. Remington himself while she emptied the load in both barrels at her soon to be deceased and strangely estranged husband for having a sordidly unnatural affair with Mr. Remington, thus, preserving for all time, the minute when the clock lost it's hour hand and great Uncle Percival met his maker with one fast finger pull of two triggers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: The Shambles Date: 15 May 06 - 06:02 PM She watched, unseen as the plumber's young assistant took off his shirt and as his large and stained workman's fingers struggled to fasten the clips on the freshly washed bra that he had taken from the pile of washing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Skivee Date: 15 May 06 - 07:04 PM As the silver XB-328 prototype released the first stage rocket-pack and began it's long arc into orbit from the Mojave research launch site, Commander Flash Blazedale, ignoring the frantic requests for situation updates from mission controllers, carefully reached into a storage area of the escape pod, extracted his jet black 21 chord Oscar Schmidt Autoharp(tm), and began to sing an old Yorkshire milkmaid's 89 stanza ode about how a lifetime of churning butter while lacking a complex world-view can be surprisingly tedious. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Bill D Date: 15 May 06 - 07:12 PM LOL! Commander Blazedale is a man after my own heart! (where did he get the last 4 stanzas? My version only has 85!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: frogprince Date: 15 May 06 - 07:16 PM A bunch of these have me wiping away tears because of the...the... seductive atrociousness? of the writing styles. But I think Shambles deserves special credit for taking it to a whole new level with the actual repulsiveness of that imagery. "ATTENNN--HUT". The drill sargeant then stood silently for long moments, running a sullen gaze along the line of recruits. "Listen up, you bunch of pussies", he resumed; "You are. without a doubt, the sorriest pile of shit I have ever laid eyes on. Some of you aren't going to last a week around here. But, believe it or not, in the next few weeks I am going to turn some of you into MEN! Men with real two-fisted GUTS on your shoulders!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Elmer Fudd Date: 15 May 06 - 07:18 PM One of my favorites from "Dark and Stormy #1": Whining and cringing were good friends to Willie Fisk. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Desdemona Date: 15 May 06 - 08:09 PM "He was a 4-year-old's dream on a 5-year-old's trike, and she fell for him like a ton of blocks"... (NB not original, but a long-time favourite!) ~D |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 15 May 06 - 08:22 PM I've always thought "It was a dark and stormy night" is a great opening, just as Snoopy did. Makes you want to keep reading, which is what opening sentences are first and foremost trying to do. Actually the full sentence is ""It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." I'd definitely want to read on And that goes for quite a lot of the examples in the opening thread. Especially number four: "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." Could anyone resist reading on further? The real killers are the ones which give a clear indication of the type of book it is, and it's a type you know you don't like. Which means they would be great opening lines for someone who likes that kind of book. The opening of any James Bond book would be an example of that. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Elmer Fudd Date: 15 May 06 - 09:19 PM She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth. --Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington (1993 Winner) For an array of winning opening sentence: Bulwer-Lytton Contest site |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: GUEST,Joe_F Date: 15 May 06 - 09:48 PM An irresistable opening, not of a novel, but of a newspaper column: "The meanest man in the United States, unearthed the other day in Chicago,..." (H. L. Mencken, 1908) --- Joe Fineman joe_f@verizon.net ||: Conversation should have a distinctive lack of purpose. :|| |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Hawker Date: 16 May 06 - 05:00 AM I still think 'As I roved out one May Morning' bodes badly for the start of any story! Or how about that classic line... 'He was a ships carpenter's son by his trade......' A what! Cheers, Lucy |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: greg stephens Date: 16 May 06 - 05:47 AM Louvres Museum, Paris. 10.46PM. Renowned curator Jacques Saunier staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's grand gallery. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: The Shambles Date: 16 May 06 - 05:59 AM That will never sell.......... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: greg stephens Date: 16 May 06 - 06:07 AM Oh I dont know Shambles: surely in any society there must be one or two unfortunate credulous cretins with serious genetic defects who might be conned into buying any old bollocks.It might sell a couple of hundred copies before fading into deserved obscurity. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: GUEST,GS Date: 16 May 06 - 08:41 AM The BL folk were good enough to include this from my submition on the Sticks and Stones part, real first lines. From Seetee Shock by Jack Williamson "The void leered. Implacable hostility flattened itself against the frosty dark, awaiting the time to strike. Shocking danger fled away from him into the sucking emptiness, and cunningly eluded him, and ruthlessly returned. Timeless peril watched forever, with the cruel, cold eyes of the stars. Nicol Jenkins, spatial engineer, fought back silently." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: greg stephens Date: 16 May 06 - 09:31 AM I think that sounds rather promising actually, GS. Did you happen to read the rest of the book? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: GUEST,GS Date: 16 May 06 - 10:28 AM Yes it did have that moment of promise but I didn't get much further. The book sits there sneering grimly at me, it's vacuous intelligence placating my blazing but spurtle-like imagination. I suspect he used up his best bit on the opening line and dropped off sharply after that. One day...one day.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: JennyO Date: 16 May 06 - 12:08 PM The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: JennyO Date: 16 May 06 - 12:19 PM Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said -- "The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits." -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: JulieF Date: 16 May 06 - 12:34 PM Oh I must find the short story I wrote about the Morris dancing detective. I fear it is in the loft not to be touched until I sell the house. I'm sure the first line is up there with this lot. J |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Amos Date: 16 May 06 - 12:48 PM A whisp of promise, a murmur of maybes, a secret signal of possibility, swept through the rose garden where she lay in the morning dawnlight, fingering her water-pistol and waiting for Basil to appear. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First line of a bad novel... From: Alice Date: 16 May 06 - 01:20 PM The mouse slid to the left, then the right, then stopped, frozen, its goal in sight, and finally after just a moment of hesitation.... CLICK, the cursor selected a link. alice |
