BS: Hell Explained

Subject: BS: Hell Explained
From: jaze
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 07:40 PM

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound", the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet. Here is the professor's Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic( absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven...thereby proving the existence of a divine being....which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "oh my God"

This student received the only "A". :>)

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Janie
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 08:13 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 08:29 PM

Someone was forwarding that around when I was in college and I have to say I still think it's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 08:31 PM

A+ Best laugh today!

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 08:34 PM

Wait just a goddamned minute--somebody changed the ending! The original said that the student had NOT succeeded in sleeping with Teresa and therefore Hell was clearly exothermic (which really makes more sense to me).

Is the religious Right going to spoil EVERYTHING??

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 08:35 PM

Here:

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: leeneia
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 10:57 PM

This is SO improbable! Girls in Oklahoma aren't named Theresa.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Amos
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 11:03 PM

The Manyan family only moved there from Grosse Pointe recently.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Peace
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 11:43 PM

I agree with the gals. I think that whole article is bogus, because, IMO, Hell would have to include rap music and NO mention was made of it. Nor banjos . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Paul Burke
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 04:25 AM

There is of course the famous proof that

Heaven is Hotter than Hell
[From Applied Optics vol. 11, (14) 1972]

         The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26,

                   "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall
                   be as the light of the Sun and the light
                   of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the
                   light of seven days."

         Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann
law for radiation, (H/E) temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ...

       [However] Revelations 21:8 says

                   "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall
                   have their part in the lake which burneth
                   with fire and brimstone."

       A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 04:32 AM

But still no melodeons....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Pastor Greg
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 04:51 AM

But not all rap music is the same.
The reality of hell is proven by the existence of heaven. For without the one there is no need of the other.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 08:52 AM

I went to college with two Oklahomans (native-born, no less) named Theresa. Well, one was Teresa, but, eh.

No mention was made of any music, so maybe it included ALL of them under the explanation that all religions pretty much think all other religions are going to Hell. Maybe all rappers think all banjo-players are going to Hell, and vice-versa, and, by extension, all forms of music are represented. (I, personally, am pretty sure that all players of bowed psaltery and electric fiddle are going to Hell, but they may feel the same about those of us who insist that dulcimer works better in DAD instead of the more traditional DAA).

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 10:39 AM

Reminds of the tale of little Johnny who ran into his mothers bedroom one morning catching her in a state of undress. Pointing to her breasts he asked her "what are those for mum"? She was caught off guard and said "they are my balloons" Johnny asked, "what are they for"? Thinking quickly she replied "to help me float up to heaven when I die". Very proud of her quick responses, she was taken aback when little Johnny said, "you had better run and help daddy, he is on top of your sister blowing up her balloons, and she is shouting oh my god I'm coming"

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 01:10 PM

Well it looks like bajo players are bound for heavan.

Sounds like an Album Name - "Constipated for Jesus"

So bodhrans are heading to the fires of Satan then - good job mine are already red.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 01:30 PM

Why does there have to be a "need" for heaven, Pastor Greg? There isn't a need for Mount Etna, after all, but it's still there, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: GUEST,TIA
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 02:55 PM

But the existence of the East African Rift Valley is proof of the existence of Mount Aetna isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: fat B****rd
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 02:58 PM

Bugger !! I always thought Hell was other people.

I'll get me beret.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 06:55 PM

Bloody hilarious!

...doesnt mention Bodhrans or Kazoos either...

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 06:58 PM

Hey, I'm talking philosopy here, TIA... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Mr Happy
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 08:14 PM

Listen to the large sheep. (Inside Pall and t. Nina Moller&Frederik v)

There is the world of the sun and the sand.
From enough far sky and the ground.
Selecting in the place which the love coastal breeze blows.
The comfort hand, which is gentle together.

Fragrant blossom, honey honeybee.
The laugh, which is careless in the breeze.
And the lover to fade in the swimming pool from the deep place.
Frequently between the tree the colour shadow.

Listen to the echo of the large sheep and million clams.
Forever it is inside motion.
It moves with leading American knife one white paper music.
That does to be eternal.

The sea gull it is distant and it shouts sound.
His wing likes withdrawal parenthesis inside sky.
And bubble sticking to 2 white birds.
In crest in green onion rotary side.

Scream of silence and night of noon.
The fish Ant ten of the days will not be.
These people will carry and remain it is a thing.
The day when you navigate from the spectacle.

Listen to the echo of the large sheep and million clams.
Forever it is inside motion.
It moves with leading American knife one white paper music.
That does to be eternal.

philosopy - did u need a p?

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 12:03 AM

I subscribe to the "No Exit" theory of Hell (which I guess puts me with fat B****rd in thinking that Hell is other people).

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 01:49 PM

Snopes take on the joke at the top.

Here's a recent, local theory about "hell" sent to me by a friend:

Subject: Dallas

May 30th:
Just moved to Dallas, Texas.
Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is not working and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass asks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing now, so my $1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas. The only people who live here have evidently had their brains scrambled from the intense heat or are escapees from some mental ward.

SRS

BTW: Today is I think day 37 this summer over 100. It hasn't actually hit 115, as this joke says, and I don't think windows actually break out if you forget to crack a side window. But at 107 a couple of times, we have certainly been miserable, and every gardener I know threw in the towel weeks ago regarding any kind of a crop this year. We're all pinching pennies trying to pay our electric bills.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: fat B****rd
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 03:21 PM

"Right, lads. Back on yer 'eds"

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 11:23 PM

Well, you know William Tecumseh Sherman said that if he owned both Hell and Texas, he'd live in Hell and rent out Texas. He meant the politics and culture, not the climate, but it was probably a good idea, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 01:16 PM

Hell in Texas
And there for a thousand years he remained;
Oh, the Devil in hell they say he was chained,
But decided he'd start up a hell of his own,
He neither complained nor did he groan,
Where he could torment the souls of men
Without being shut in a prison pen;
So he asked the Lord if He had any sand
Left over from making this great land.

The Lord He said, "Yes, I have plenty on hand,
I doubt if 'twill do for hell any more."
But it's away down south on the Rio Grande,
And, to tell you the truth, the stuff is so poor
The Devil went down and looked over the truck,
And he said if it came as a gift he was stuck,
For when he'd examined it carefully and well

He decided the place was too dry for a hell.
But the Lord just to get the stuff off His hands
He promised the Devil He'd water the land,
For he had some old water that was of no use,
A regular bog hole that stunk like the deuce.
The Lord He returned to His place up in heaven.
So the grant it was made and the deed it was given;
The Devil soon saw he had everything needed
To make up a hell and so he proceeded.

He scattered tarantulas over the roads,
Put thorns on the cactus and horns on the toads,
So the man that sits down must wear soles on his pants.
He sprinkled the sands with millions of ants
He lengthened the horns of the Texas steer,
And added an inch to the jack rabbit's ear;
He put water puppies in all of the lakes,
And under the rocks he put rattlesnakes.
He hung thorns and brambles on all of the trees,

He mixed up the dust with jiggers and fleas;
The mosquito delights you by buzzing his wings.
Too hot for the Devil and too hot for men;
The rattlesnake bites you, the scorpion stings,
The heat in the summer's a hundred and ten,
And all who remained in that climate soon bore
Cuts, bites, stings, and scratches, and blisters galore.

He quickened the buck of the bronco steed,
The wild boar roams in the black chaparral
And poisoned the feet of the centipede;
It's a hell of a place that we've got for a hell.
He planted red pepper beside of the brooks;
Just dine with a Greaser and then you will shout,
The Mexicans use them in all that they cook.
"I've hell on the inside as well as the out! "

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: GUEST,Pete Peterson
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 02:00 PM

Working backwards,

a) To Scoville--I thought that the quote on renting out Texas was Phil Sheridan (who was there) and not Sherman, who was stuck in Washington as Commanding General

b) To Paul Burke--your reasoning would be correct if Hell were at 1 atmosphere; if pressure were higher then temperature of Hell could be anywhere between 446 and 1310 C, the critical temperature,

Pete Peterson
who obviously does not have enough to do

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 09:54 AM

This thread appears to have brought out the holy rollers in the Google ads at the bottom. I'm not going to follow any of those links--they'd probably get my mother board in a strangle-hold. ;-)

SRS
(Actually, I see some balance there: One says "Please do not go to Hell--Where will you go when you die? Find out today how to go to heaven." and the other says "The truth about Hell--No one will burn in Hell for all eternity--and we can prove it!")

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 02:04 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Scoville
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 02:45 PM

You're probably right. Sorry--hectic day that day.

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: DMcG
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 03:45 PM

The Google ads at the bottom for me include 'Nelson Heat Transfer - Industrial heat exchangers.'

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 11:06 PM

"St Peter, I'm bored. May I try hell for a while?"
"You're there."

Subject: RE: BS: Hell Explained
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 06:22 AM

hello, i thought it said hull.