BS: Ending the Love Affair

Subject: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 06:50 AM

I Have just read the "Breaking up is hard to do" thread. It is so sad when a relationship or marriage ends after many years. I would like to hear the feelings and comments of members regarding "Affairs".

I think this subject is somewhat different to the other thread, of course the outcome is the same, pain, hurt and guilt.

An affair with someone outside of your relationship can happen to any of us. How and why it happens is probably a thread on it's own.

It's viewed as sly, self indulgent and deceitful by those outside of it. Many may ask why remain within a relationship if you love someone else ? There can be many reasons for this. All affairs end in tears for somebody.

I just lost the person I adored in life due to them being no longer prepared to wait on me. They found someone else who was free and could offer them everything I failed to.


In your heart you know they are right and you had your chance and lost it. You have no one to blame but yourself, still doesn't make it any easier to listen to the words "their new partner is so supportive and protective and we love each other". Or to find out that they had started a new relationship and didn't bother telling you about it.


You have to accept it, there is nothing else you can do, still doesn't ease the pain any. I honestly do wish them well and hold no hate or dislike for either of them. Now towards myself, that's a different matter.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 07:26 AM

Norwegian Wood
Lennon-McCartney,
by The Beatles
first appeared on the 1965 album Rubber Soul.


I once had a girl,
Or should I say
She once had me.
She showed me her room,
Isn't it good?
Norwegian wood.

She asked my to stay and told me sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.
I sat on a rug
Biding my time,
Drinking her wine.
We talked until two,
And then she said,
'It's time for bed'.

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh,
I told her I didn't, and crawled off to sleep in the bath.

And when I awoke
I was alone,
This bird has flown,
So I lit a fire,
Isn't it good?
Norwegian wood.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST,Nelie Clatt
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 08:41 AM

Very subtle song, I love it.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Sorcha
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 10:43 AM

People who cheat once will cheat again.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: LilyFestre
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 10:47 AM

The most important thing, IMO, in any marriage (or any relationship, really) is communication. In an ideal world, the two parties involved should talk about things, discuss what is bothering them, work together to find a solution and when all else fails, consider a divorce. After that, the parties are free to date whoever they wish without invoking guilt on themselves or by destroying the other person's trust.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Big Mick
Date: 26 Nov 06 - 11:53 PM

Ending the love affair is indeed a very hard thing to do, made all the more so by other folks that feel the need to attack, give unwanted nasty opinions, and stick their noses into an already very sad situation. Usually these hypocrites sound off with high road arguments that they themselves don't live up to.

If one really cares about either party to these all to sad, yet all to human occurences, then they will understand that real friendship is just being there and acting as a sounding board. One might need it themselves one day.

I agree with Michelle that communication between the parties is the real key.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:18 PM

People have affairs because they're looking for what is missing in their present relationship. Sometimes it's not even for the sex, but going to a different restaurant; the conversation; the lack of affection.

If you think your relationship is comfortable, you can bet your bottom dollar she thinks it's boring.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:25 PM

People have affairs because they are greedy.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Megan L
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:33 PM

It is very easy to judge.
There are many reasons why people get into that kind of situation and yes greed is one, but not the only one.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:34 PM

Selfish is another.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:38 PM

it may be the key but someone has to turn it! Or if I was being more Mr_Red again I might say 'take turns' - but the seriousness of the burden is still there. Levity with integrity. Now the third ball I will throw into the air ................


If you really love something let it go - if it comes back to you it is yours - if it doesn't - it never was. Not one of mine obviously, but apposite.

Dear GUEST - you obviously had happy times, exquisite moments of "falling in love", the intrigue of fleeting meetings and the consumation devoutly to be wished. OK, so you want more but all you have are memories. Poor substitute but something to hold on to.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Megan L
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:40 PM

As i said it is easy to judge especially if you have been hurt.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:40 PM

Nothing obvious about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:43 PM

If you really love something let it go - if it comes back to you it is yours - if it doesn't - it never was.

A very neat phrase Mr. Red.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Desdemona
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:47 PM

I'm with Megan L.: it's VERY easy (not to mention lazy, narrow-minded, self-righteous, etc.) to judge; to be supportive of another person who is in an extremely painful and complex situation demands actual compassion and sympathy--empathy may be too much to ask, especially if you haven't been there yourself. As the author of this thread pointed out from what sounds like bitter experience, "all affairs end in tears for (at least one) somebody".

Been there, done that, not going there again!

~D

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 06:47 PM

It ranks right up there with 'love means never having to say your sorry'.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: kendall
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 07:19 PM

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the fact is, nothing in the universe is static. Everything changes and if you can fall in love, you can also fall OUT of love.

When I told my first wife that I needed to leave she pitched a fit. I asked her point blank, "Do you want me to stay knowing that I don't love you, and that I don't want to be with you "? Her answer, "Yes, I would sooner cut your throat than let you go." That was the last straw. SICK!

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 07:20 PM

If all of you who say it is right to have affairs because they can be excused for this or that reason, then you should have that deal going into the marriage, then it would be just as you agreed. Otherwise, many of you are finding lame excuses for what you have done.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 07:30 PM

Hey guest,

Who are you arguing with?

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, but you've gotta move on for YOUR sake.

If you feed this anger like you are (it's almost as enticing as sex) all you will do is embitter yourself to the point that you become so cynical that you start acting like the person who betrayed you.

You might start feeling "well if you can't beat 'em" etc...


It is worth taking the time to think about how you allowed yourself to get into this situation to begin with so that it doesn't ever happen to you again.

That isn't the same as saying "it's your fault."

Of course it's not your fault that somebody else chose to be unfaithful in their relationship with you.

It doesn't detract from you in the slightest.

I suggest looking back to the life you had before you met this person and picking up the things you left behind.

Next time you start a relationship, keep those things with you.

Make sure you're with someone who wants you for you.

Love is about the other person. If you find you are whingeing about yourself, or your partner is whingeing about themself, that isn't love, that's self focused.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 07:44 PM

A guy has an accident and falls into a coma.

As his body lies dormant on the hospital bed, he floats up and meets St Peter, who says:

"come with me, I'm going to show you heaven and hell so you know what you're in for when you die."

He leads the man to a vast banquetting hall and tells him: "this is heaven".

Then he takes him to another banquetting hall and tells him: "this is hell".

The man is confused as he has seen no real difference betwen the two halls. Both were supplied with every detail a banquet could need. The best food, the finest wine, entertainment, plush decor, fantastic service etc. You name it, they both had it.

He voiced his confusion to St Peter who chuckled knowingly to himself, and showed both halls to the man again.

This time the man noticed that all the guests in heaven and hell had four foot long knives and forks strapped to their arms.

The difference was, that in Heaven they were feeding each other, whilst in hell they were trying to feed themselves.

____________________

Now there are obvious ideas to be considered in this story, but the most important for me is this.

That it is a guide/plan that can help you to find your way through life.

When you walk into a room, look and see who's trying to feed others, and who's trying to feed themselves. If you choose the latter, you are allowing yourself to be drawn into hell on earth.

Likewise, if you choose the former, you will surround yourself with people that enrich you, and you can concentrate on enriching them too.

You have to be discriminatng though and uncompromising in your decision making. You must also be fair.

You must listen to your instinct, but you must also be informed.

I would wager that you were blind to your exes faults from the start, and are probably in denial about them now.

Move on Bro/Sis

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 07:52 PM

Monogamy is not essential. Honesty however is desirable, although so is tact.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 08:32 PM

I really love that life is choice . What we do and How we do it is the making of us all . How do we make heven or hell on earth is always infront of us .Every moment ! Choice .. Thats the gift of being here .. On what ever level staying away from lieing is a good thing ,I think , for ourselves first and for everyone around us second . All the best to all here . Guy

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: dianavan
Date: 27 Nov 06 - 11:24 PM

"I just lost the person I adored in life due to them being no longer prepared to wait on me."

Remember this the next time you 'fall in love'.

There's always a lesson to be learned in every break-up and it may mean you will have to change your ways.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 07:21 AM

as in everything else in life thre is no easy answer for this one

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 07:27 AM

One GUEST or legion?

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 11:32 AM

What's the diff?

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 12:18 PM

I don't want to go anywhere they feed you with a four foot long knife strapped to any part of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 04:32 PM

And fork you, too!
:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 05:09 PM

'If you really love something let it go - if it comes back to you it is yours - if it doesn't - it never was.'

I did that and 'it' kept coming back, over and over again, for over twenty years, but in between 'it' was pretending to be devoted to a succession of others. I knew about them (and was very unhappy). They didn't know about me (and as far as I know they were happy while it lasted).

I have a choice of total unhappiness, or unhappiness a lot of the time but with happier interludes.

Is the thing I love mine? I don't think so, but it still keeps coming back.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 05:18 PM

I hear that one GUEST.

The last thing you want to subject yourself to is being Old Faithful for someone who uses you as a fall back each time their affairs go belly up.

I'm lucky not to ever have allowed myself to fall into such a pattern, but it doesn't mean I haven't met people who would get away with it if they could.

Thing is Guest, that if you keep giving someone lke that a chance every time, you are saying that that is all you are worth.

Now if I asked you "are you worth more than that" you might, after a bit of prodding say no - at least - if I asked you whether or not you enjoyed it, you would sa that it made you miserable.

And you are certainly worth more than that.

There are people out there who don't act like that, and who treat people with respect and who would love you for who you are if they knew you.

Ditch the rubbish that brings you down and find someone that will benefit from a bit of mutual nurturing.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 05:42 PM

After my marriage ended, I realised that I had been subjected to lies and deceit for at least 10 years from my ex while he was having one affair after another. I had been too trusting and naive to understand what was going on.

Affairs are often excuses for not dealing with problems either real or imagained within a partnership.

To expect any partner to live within a cloud of lies and deceit is beyond the realms of common decency.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 05:48 PM

And that can be one of the most frustrating and humiliating things is the feeling of time invested and wasted, and how it might have been better invested.

Thing is though that that's just a feeling.

The reality is that you grew and are growing, and you lived as you would expect someone to live.

Equally, you aren't naive any more and you will choose better next time, and you will at some point remark of the person that you end up with, that you might not have found them if you hadn't taken the road you did.

So take your wisdom, learn your lessons, heal your wounds, hold your head high and get out there and find the one you're meant to be with - the one who makes you happy!

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 06 - 06:06 PM

Thank you Lox. After many years I have now found that person, and very happy. Yes all your words are very true. I am the lucky one now. Unfortunately though it's difficult to come to terms with the hardships that our children had to endure because of all this.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: skarpi
Date: 29 Nov 06 - 01:30 AM

So take your wisdom, learn your lessons, heal your wounds, hold your head high and get out there and find the one you're meant to be with - the one who makes you happy!

well said lox and I hope guest is gonna have a good live .

all the best Skarpi Iceland.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Nov 06 - 06:04 PM

GUEST 28 Nov 06 - 05:09 PM

'If you really love something let it go - if it comes back to you it is yours - if it doesn't - it never was.'

Analogies never claim to address more than a point (or two at best) however.........

"If it comes back to you - it is yours". Doesn't say "you are his" though this is implicit, as is the concept of being able to dictate terms. If he doesn't stick around after that, yes you have a free-loader. And no, the decisions are not easy. Not much help in retrospect.

One of my sayings and also apposite "Nice guys get shit on".

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Amos
Date: 30 Nov 06 - 07:19 PM

Smart nice guys don't. There's a successful combination that requires being neither stupid nor victimized NOR cruel. In fact, IMHO, cruelty is itself a form of stupidity.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: Mr Yellow
Date: 01 Dec 06 - 05:31 AM

even smart guys buy into the con - look how successful advertising is. It sold itself pretty well didn't it?

Until broken trust occurs you don't learn unless you are paranoic and that is neither pretty nor smart.

Subject: RE: BS: Ending the Love Affair
From: kendall
Date: 01 Dec 06 - 08:17 AM

To be a door mat, you must first lie down.