BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw

Subject: BS: SinsullAttemptsToKillSpaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:31 PM

It was of course all planned from the first and I was possibly just too dumb to see it. It was so easy to be enamored of and to laugh at the many annoying and goofus toys that came my way and I was lulled into a false sense of good humor and friendship.

The singing reindeer and the twisting, vibrating, singing, turkey were both a pain in the ass but somehow cute as well. I should have figured something was up when the Lionel train clocks arrived with their mind blowing, heart stopping, alarm, every hour on the hour. With the number of repairs I have had on my heart it was amazing that I didn't go into V-tac! Other things came along and I was always amazed at their annoyance quotient yet considered them harmless outside of the required shrink visits and mind numbing drugs required to have them in your home.

And then along came the Dancing Chicken. You pressed the button on his wing and he did his little chicken dance which freaked the cats but generally brought a smile to one and all around at the time. He was so cute and funny that he whiled away his off time just sitting on the table or drainboard where one and all might enjoy the occasional dance and cat freakout. The other day he refused to dance and we thought perhaps his batteries were dead and replaced them. But this was where the problems occurred as he was obviously rigged to do us in.

Karen and I were playing a few hands of Rummy at the table. I went over to the corner cabinet and then the stove to check on supper when Karen asked, "Do you smell something burning?" I whiffed and glanced at the stove where the pot roast was happily cooking in the oven and the green beans on the stove top. I was about to say no but then...

KAREN: "Hey! The Chicken's smoking!"
PAT: "Huh?"
KAREN: "The Chicken is smoking!"
PAT(still staring at stove): "What the hell are you talking about?"
KAREN: "I think the Chicken's burning!!!"
PAT: "I'm not cooking chicken."
KAREN: "No you idiot....THE CHICKEN!"

I finally saw things as they were and sure enough by this time a nice little bit of smoke was rolling off of the fox trotting fowl. I picked him up and moved him to the sink, running a bit of water up his ass and onto his smoking battery pack. Popping the batteries out solved the problem but the happy little bird was a goner and so was my confidence that Sinsull was a friend as she had obviously just tried to kill us. But the worst of it was, the Chicken was fried.

We went into mourning realizing that our lives would never again be the same. We had to DO something. Being complete idiots there was but one thing to do. We needed another Chicken. Today, this cousin of our now departed fried fowl arrived and is even more ridiculous. We got him from another site and I see that the linked site is out of stock so he must be a popular guy!

This insanity on our part does not forgive Sister Sinsull. The Authorities will be round to question you I am sure...........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: SinsullAttemptsToKillSpaw
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:33 PM

Fowl play!

Subject: RE: BS: SinsullAttemptsToKillSpaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:39 PM

Damn! You say they're sold out?????????   They can't be! I must have one!

I guess it's off to Ebay again....where I am still trying to obtain an inflatable Hillary Clinton doll...but with no success. (sigh) As for the "Dancing, Singing, Choke-the-Chicken Doll", I bet the bidding goes through the roof on those things.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:41 PM

Good thing about chickens,

you invest a few bucks but you get loads back.




















Buck buck buck ... etc ...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,Little Stack
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:43 PM

The tobacco companies used to force Beagles to smoke but I don't know about chickens

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Jeri
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:45 PM

Chickens got suicide bombers now...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:45 PM

A scurrilous lie! Beagles love smoking and will do it whenever they get the chance.

(the above statement provided by your local friendly and honest tobacco industry spokesman)

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:50 PM

Available Birds

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:51 PM

I was hoping that was a dating agency

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:51 PM

I was always told that 'choking the chicken' would make you go blind...or grow hair on your palms. NOW it's an industry!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:53 PM

Ah - it's the last resort dating agency then ...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 06:55 PM

Look, if you want to kill someone, there are better, more efficient ways than this. Somebody should tell SINSULL.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:03 PM

I like the Pig Catapult and the Chicken Chucker myself!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: ranger1
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:08 PM

Spaw, what did you do to that poor, innocent chicken to cause it to commit suicide? As if the poor thing wasn't traumatized enough by Seamus chewing on it before it even got to your house!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:18 PM

Best laugh of the day, thanks

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,hg
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:27 PM

Sorry, gal...I can't send you the contract money...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:40 PM

Spaw, sounds like you put a used battery in the chicken. Be sure that all batteries are fresh. If one is weaker, you'll get an exposion or sparks and heat (I did that with a flashlight once, which is why I know. And if you read the instructions in with battery operated items, they tell you to avoid that situation).

How can you be holding Sinsull accountable for operator error?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:41 PM

$21.99?
Are you insane? I got the original for $.25 at a yard sale. How did he catch fire? The battery pack or he was sitting on an active burner? I am confused and hurt - I would NEVER send a harmful gift to Karen and the boys.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:42 PM

I am laughing so hard I am crying. How is the singing/jiggling turkey doing?
Love,
Auntie SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:43 PM

Were Paw and the Reg Boys around to witness this? Cletus?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: folk1e
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:52 PM

You arn't in a certain part of America are you Spaw?
If you were and the chickens batteries got fried you could have ...... KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 07:52 PM

spaw, My sense of humor is often a form of perceptual art, ephemeral and puzzling.

At a large doctor's office complex around noon I saw the name, Dr. Jerry Goldman. MMR EEG... while waiting for the elevator, so I opened the door and said to the receptionist gate keeper in clear ear shot of the entire waiting room, "Tell Jerry that our tee time at Congressional at 12:30 is canceled" and I got on the elevator.

Then at the airport I surrepticiously dropped a small unopenable stainless steel box under my chair in which I had stenciled "Sense of Humor - if lost please return to Homeland security.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:03 PM

I think Spaw ius witholding critical evidence -- namely, that he got up late at night the night before to piss, walked through the kitchen in the dark, felt the urge and reached for satisfaction, thinking he was grabbing for Cleigh the possum. Unfortunately, he being old and short on rods and cones, he grabbed the chicken instead, and before he realized his mistake, he had tried blowing up the chicken's ass. A huge exhalation, right into the battery storage compartment.

Well, you may wonder how ole Spaw survives, his breath being as foul and acidic as it is, and the proof of this is that by morning the outer finish on the battery nearest the chicken's cloaca had turned brown. By later afternoon it was liquified, and the consequences of this little midnight meander can be seen in Spaw's accusations against an innocent woman, above.

It is not my business to defame honorable men, but when it comes to accusing virginal beauties like SINSULL of malfeasance, I have to speak up. The facts, good friends, speak for themselves. Spaw is a victim of his own halitosis.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:04 PM

Har! Har! Excellent. Millions of other people should do the same.

Good thing they didn't catch you, though, because they DO have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:04 PM

Spaw, have you sent one to Sinsull's house, yet?!!

LMAO!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:05 PM

That was a reference, by the way, to Donuel's post above.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:42 PM

ROFLMAO.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 08:48 PM

Spaw-

It could have been much worse. You could have been plucked!

Which somehow reminds me of my favorite verse to "When Jones Ale Was New":

The next came in was a chicken plucker,
And he was one mean sucker,
Yes, he was one mean sucker,
For to join in the jovial crew;
For he'd plucked chickens from town to town,
Rhode Island Reds to Leghorn Brown,
And he'd plucked them chickens up and down --
When Jones's Ale was new, me boys,
When Jones's Ale was new!

Cheerily,
Charley Chicken

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 09:20 PM

Hmmmmm Somehow something seems awfully familiar about "I wouldn't send a harmful gift to Karen and the boys." Did somethng like this happen before? Notice nothing is said about a harmful gift to the Spaw... Hmmmm?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 10:31 PM

Were fingerprints taken? Someone could have snuck...sneaked...no, snuck...in and put Improvised Electrical Batteries in the Chicken, turning it into a Chicken of Mass Destruction (CMD). Have you notified Homeland Security? TSA? For God's sake, man -- does Bush know???

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 11:09 PM

Bush was the model for the strangled chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 07 - 11:23 PM

Maybe someone fed it a pretzel...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 02:10 AM

How refreshing! Gang, I am glad to see the old 'Cat sense of humor is alive and well and I have gotten a lot of laughs at the responses......Thanks!

SRS.....Both batteries came out of a new pack so that wasn't it unless one was defective which I have had happen but that was with a cheap generic brand. Dunno' what happened here but maybe Sins had a point. I have caught Cletus several times fondling the bird and although I never saw more than that, I suppose..............Ohmygawd...that's just too disgusting for words.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Wordsmith
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 03:16 AM

Now, that's what I call razing the chicken!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: jacqui.c
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 03:47 AM

LOL - not only the original post, but - SINSULL - Virginal??????

Perlease!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lady knows more raunchy songs and double meanings than I've had hot dinners!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 04:19 AM

I expect you'll need counselling after that shock Spaw, maybe even more therapy.
Still there is a school of psychiatry just right for the job, developed in the south, and it's called Freud Chicken.
It's nice to hear of another battery hen being freed from life as an egg laying machine.
Have you considered it might have been Bird Flu [flew]?

Keep on clucking Spaw.

Giok.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: kendall
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 07:56 AM

Spaw, you need to be careful with the battery thing. Remember what happened to the "Energizer Bunny"??? Someone put his batteries in backwards, and he just kept coming and coming...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 08:46 AM

Just goes to show that you should keep off the chickens from the battery farm. Only use free range.
Quack!!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 09:12 AM

We maiden ladies have a hard time maintaining our dignity amid this crowd. SIGH...

Spaw - have you put in a new set of batteries to see if the chicken still works? It would be a shame to lose him. And Yard Sale season is still months away.

Seriously - there must be a law suit in here. Defective batteries; defective chickens; defective house guests? Go for it. Seriously - had this happened in the middle of the night when you were all asleep you might have made the Darwin Awards.

So sorry, love. I really would never hurt you or the family but Generic Batteries? What were you thinking?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 09:18 AM

He's been putting things he shouldn't into the chicken Mary; is that what you're trying to say?

G ¦¬]

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 09:45 AM

Ya know, this sorta reminds me about the bright young woman reporter, fresh outa journalism school, who was sent out on her very first interview. She was to ask a grizzled old cowboy what the best cut of beef was.

He cogitated on it, spit some Copenhagen, and replied, "Well, I guess it'd be tongue. Yup, tongue, sure enough. All meat, no fat er grizzle, and right tender."

"YUCK!" exclaimed the reported. "How could you eat something that's been in a cow's mouth??

The old cowboy paused and then replied gently, "Guess you've never et no egg."

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Becca72
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:04 AM

Little Hawk...LOL!!!

Thanks for the belly laughs this thread has caused, guys...I needed that!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:05 AM

Rapaire-

Would that be the same young woman who snarfed up almost an entire plate of sauted Rocky Mountain oysters, exclaiming "How delicious! What are these?" to the blushing cowhands?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:07 AM

Damn! I posted this before providing an explanatory link: Click at Your Own Risk!

CN

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:21 AM

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: kendall
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:23 AM

Trying to catch the chicken?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 10:35 AM

Oh no, he'd already caught it Cap'n.
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: kendall
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 02:24 PM

Was this pervert also a leper?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 02:49 PM

Spaw, we heard the Car Talk guys this morning and their story about their old pal, Vito, and the bucket of chicken reminded me of this thread. if you haven't heard it, you can listen in HERE. I think it was near the end of the hour as we missed the first half. Ya gotta hear that story!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: InOBU
Date: 24 Feb 07 - 06:39 PM

Frankly I am a bit concerned about the 25 cent yard sale dispencing such foul... has anyone called homeland security? Did the fellow who sold you the chicken have a long beard, thin, over six foot tall, answered to the name of Ben... no wonder he can't be found in Pakistan, his new weapon of mass destruction is exploding chickens, cleverly sold cheep at yard sales... as Blackadders little mate Balderick would say... a fiendishly clever plan...

hmmmm....
lor

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 08:42 AM

Sodoff Baldrick!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 10:46 AM

That's the bloke.
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 10:47 AM

Oh please don't contact Homeland Security. I wouldn't last 24 hours in that nightmare of a detention center.

I'll bet the tiny nuns are behind this.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 11:52 AM

You're right, Sinsull. It's clearly more evidence of their faith-based initiative.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 12:04 PM

Weapons of Pat's destruction?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 12:17 PM

I keep seeing the title of this as 'Small Attempts to Kill Spaw'.

(Good to know that the attempts aren't serious. Yet.)

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 12:56 PM

....................yet?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: ranger1
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 12:58 PM

As long as the non-combatants are spared (spouse, kids, weimeraners, etc)...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 01:12 PM

heh heh heh

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 04:21 PM

I have an electric chicken that has a graudation hat on. It plays pomp and circumstance followed by the chicken dance polka and much hopping.

Thanks for the warning.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 04:41 PM

Halp! I am now reading the title alternately as 'Sincere' attempts, etc, 'Sexual' Attempts and 'Sensual' attempts. Is this thread a changeling?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 04:44 PM

It's just the name Spaw that puts those odd images in your mind Ebbie. Exorcism is the only known cure!

G ¦¬]

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 07:14 PM

My doctor recommends that I exorcise more.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 08:09 PM

That's very funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 08:24 PM

For some people, to exorcise simply isn't enough.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 12:21 AM

You mean that in some people exorcism wouldn't leave enough behind?

Humph. Sounds like I mean behind as in behind but not so; I mean behind as in behind.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: harpmolly
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 01:05 AM

Charley...regarding the Rocky Mountain Oysters, have you seen "Funny Farm" with Chevy Chase? *lol* One of the best movies I will never again admit to having watched. *grin*

Whee! Lamb fries! ;)

M

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,Noreen
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 11:03 AM

LOL... I tried to look at your link Spaw but the computer at work won't let me:

Access Denied by SmartFilter:
Forbidden, this page is categorized as: Tasteless/Gross.

I thought you would be proud!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John Hardly
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 11:48 AM

"Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw"

With a thread title like that, I now know how every nominated but losing actor felt at the Oscars last night.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 12:21 PM

What a movie!

The Sinsull Attempted Kill Spaw Massacre!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: ranger1
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 12:42 PM

Yes, but do the weimeraners survive? I hate movies where the dog(s) get killed!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 02:53 PM

Sceen: Darkened house camera pans down dimmly lit stairs and sleeping dogs when suddenly from every cornor of the house mobile musical toys begin advancing across the floor insearch of their target.....


tinker

Who found the perfect dancing duck Christmas tree and after serious debate sent it neither to Catspaw or SINSULL --but to Micca.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 03:23 PM

The way to kill Spaw is simple. Mount an ordinary cigarette lighter under his toilet seat, set up so that it lights up automatically by a pressure switch when he sits down.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John Hardly
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 05:57 PM

"simple" and getting anywhere near "his toilet seat"? What are you...........NUTS?!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 06:14 PM

Well, I didn't say I was going to do it! To do it we need a person with absolutely no scruples or decency whatsoever...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Becca72
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 06:16 PM

Wouldn't that be 'Spaw himself???

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 06:25 PM

Yeah Becca.....I think you have it right. I mean, like, I'm available........for a price..........I wouldn't take on such a nasty sounding job around my ass for nothin'!!! Have to be some serious cash change hands............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 06:28 PM

Let's all do a big benefit concert, and see if we can raise enough. It could be a project at the next Getaway.

That reminds me. Did you hear about the guy who got his project cut off?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John Hardly
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 07:05 PM

Why is it that after talking about the toilet seat thingy, even this sentence...

"some serious cash change hands............"

...makes me cringe at the thought of those hands.

You pay him!

No, YOU pay him!

No, YOU pay him!

etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 08:21 PM

Here I sit in terror waiting for the awful words "Product Recall". I will not take any of that crap back! Buy yourselves fire extinguishers and leave me alone.
Karen - I am so sorry. But I honestly believe that someone else (read: Paw, Cletus and/or the Reg Boys) is responsible.
Time for another installment in the series, Spaw?

SINS,

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 08:19 AM

THREAD DRIFT ALERT!!!

Back in the dark ages, maybe as far back as the Pleistocene, "dancing chickens" were real live chickens featured at carnivals and novelty shops this wide world over. One went up to the display and if so inclined would drop a quarter into the appropriate slot. The chicken would become more alert as the turntable it was sitting on began to slowly spin, and it would begin to scratch at the surface looking for corn kernels, which would occasionally drop from above. This was very entertaining to watch!

The last place I recall seeing the dancing chicken "live" was in a small novelty store in New York City's Chinatown, on Mott Street I believe, back in the 1970's. When I was there last May, I found only a pigeon feather or two. Bruce "Utah" Phillips would often muse about the "dancing chicken" as one of his seven wonders of the world, or was that the "dancing grizzly bear"? Whatever! Now back to our normal programming.

Courtesy of Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John Hardly
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 08:34 AM

"The chicken would become more alert as the turntable it was sitting on began to slowly spin, and it would begin to scratch at the surface looking for corn kernels, which would occasionally drop from above. This was very entertaining to watch!"

...and the inspiration for the original LP record.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 08:46 AM

The last time I saw dancing chickens was on Farmer Bill's Chicken Farm And Entertainment Emporium, which was outside Big Neck, Illinois. They wore little top hats and could do a buck-and-wing like nobody you ever saw before.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 11:08 AM

The "encore" that I observed looked rather nasty...

Good, though!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 06:46 PM

Remember WKRP and their Easter campaign? It featured tiny little chickens, all yellow and fuzzy, who danced periodically - when the hot plate they sat on was turned up to HIGH.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 07:09 PM

Well, I just told this on another thread but somehow it fits here a lot more.......................

For many years, the Bob Evans Farms Sausage Company would have a field day open to the public on their actual farm down in Rio Grande, Ohio. One of the many events they had was a chicken flying contest. The chickens were in mail boxes 4 foot off the ground and you had to yell or poke at or generally aggravate the chicken until she left the box on her "flight" and they measured the distance. This actually went on for a number of years until the inevitable happened.

A big doofus of a redneck hilljack walked up to his "Chicken in the Mailbox" and from somewhere in his bibs produced a ball bat. With a mighty swing, well before anyone could do anything to stop it, Bubba slammed the back of the mailbox. Amidst a cacophony of "BBRRUUUUCCCKKK" sounds and a small cloud of feathers the chicken was launched into deep right.........and ended any further chicken flying both then and for all time in the future.

I would write this off as legend but embarassingly enough, I was there.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 08:54 PM

Spaw-

Do you still attend these annual happenings?

I do hope you disarmed the "redneck hilljack" and then admonished him about his evident indifference to chicken viability.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: InOBU
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 10:23 PM

A Fiendishly Clever Plan

Well, ... after the attempt on Dick Chenny, we thought that the Telliban\Albert Kayda where not very efficient ... until the fiendishly cleaver plan was hatched.

Knowing Catspaw was a major sourse of methaine gass, Al Kayda, delivered to our own Sinsull, an incendiary chicken bomb. Knowing that the well meaning Sinsull would send said chicken to Spaw, and the resulting explosion could level the American midwest ... well, as it happens, Benny Laddeen had not taken into account a sudden bean drought, thereby creating an unusual state of gasslessness in the home of Spaw... thereby saving the midwest, and likely the world!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 04:28 AM

OK Lorcan next question.

Should we be glad or sad that this Al Cayola plot failed?

G.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 05:52 AM

I'm speechless... and that's a rare thing!

Spaw - if you wish to take revenge, I know a few people....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: jacqui.c
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 05:53 AM

He he he he he.........

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 06:18 AM

Did I name names??

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,SINS at work
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 12:37 PM

Liz - you are on my radar.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Feb 07 - 02:08 PM

What did I ever do to you???











well, apart from the odd death and dire consequences threats occasionally... but really, what did I ever do to you?


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 12:41 AM

An aubergine up the wazoo can be a serious problem. Just thought I'd mention that.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 04:30 AM

That's an egg plant, for our American readers ¦¬]

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 04:43 AM

What's a Wazoo? (for us Not American Readers...)
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: jacqui.c
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 04:54 AM

GtD

I think that it might be somewhere the sun don't shine.......

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 05:02 AM

When I sat by the Duchess at tea
She asked if an eggplant I ever did see.
I replied, "Yes"---rather bored
And she said "Sir You've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me."


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 05:59 AM

Well Spaw I hope you didn't write that one yourself as the rhyme is horrHENdous.
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:22 AM

No, that one is actually the second part of a pair. The first one is:

As I sat by the Duchess at tea
She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me!


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:56 AM

I'm really glad I asked now!
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 10:34 AM

Spaw is also renowned for having coined the well-beloved line, "The old Wazoo is a mighty river..... But he keeps turning down the accolades that would by rights be his, for this coinage, if he were not so damn shy and misunderstood...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 02:05 PM

Yes, his shyness is legendary. So too his modesty.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:21 PM

And his Degree in Understanding is mythical...
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:27 PM

He's a bit like William Shatner in that respect. I mean where his modesty is concerned...

Shatner is not known for being shy. To the contrary, he's quite gregarious.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 08:34 PM

A shy hairy melon???


(to drag this kicking and screaming into a music thread....)


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 08:44 PM

You folks wouldn't be trying to achive with flattery what Sinsull failed to achieve with her pyrotechnic chicken?

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 04:26 AM

Hey Spaw; who was that hot chick I saw you with the other night?

G.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 01:27 PM

That was no chicken... that was a roaster!

Well, I tried to pullet off.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 01:32 PM

I'd get your capon if I were you.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:23 PM

You trying to egg me on?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:24 PM

Ruffle my feathers?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:25 PM

Comb on now!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:26 PM

Crow up, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:27 PM

I'm scratchin for chicken feed here... Help me out on this eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:28 PM

No? Guess I'll have to flock off then.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 02:50 PM

Geeziz what a dumb cluck.................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 03:45 PM

A relevant game: Click at Your Own Risk!

I wonder if anyone ever got fatally injured playing this game?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 05:35 PM

What a battery of fowl jokes!
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 05:39 PM

Hey! It was a battery that killed the last fowl!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 05:40 PM

I blame Ben Franklin and his kite.
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 06:25 AM

Oh, yeah. After I leave, you vultures swoop in and carrion.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 08:35 AM

I hate you all.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 10:37 AM

Hey. Don't henpeck me.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 10:53 AM

Beak calm, guys. Why quibble over such a poultry sum?

A

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:00 AM

Hey what that Red from Rhode Island, owes me isn't chickenfeed ya know.
I was left shell shocked after the last scramble we had, I tell you it left me shaken and not shirred. So it's all white for you to make corny yolks about it, but it wasn't you he said "Albumen to you, what you guano do about it me old cock?" to, was it?
What's my chances of getting layed now, after that beating?

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:14 AM

Good to hear ya haven't been coddled, even for a one-minute. I always said you wuz a good egg, even though a bit scrambled. A paler shade of white, is all. And not some to try the beater on, especially when he's boiled.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:34 AM

Where's Severn, anyway? Haven't heard a peep from him in a bit. He always looks up, on the sunny side of things.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 11:38 AM

He's got shell shock and doesn't eggzackly feel like leaving 'ome(lette) at the moment.
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 12:49 PM

He's keeping his easy over, and it takes up all his thyme.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 01:36 PM

Too bad, he cracks me up.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 02:34 PM

You're addled that's why, not even good in parts !
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: gnu
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 03:31 PM

In parts? You mean, I have been separated? White, the yolks on me, then.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: skarpi
Date: 03 Mar 07 - 03:49 PM

and all this , just about a CHICKEN !!

,>)

O

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 02:59 PM

and not even a real chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: ranger1
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 05:06 PM

A wondrous, musical dancing chicken (that Seamus tried to murder before it got sent to 'spaw).

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: GUEST,Cruz
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 05:45 PM

Sinsull ATTEMPS To Kill Spaw

Gosh Sinsull, caint you do nothing right? I am sure there would be some here that would give you a real reward if your "Second Attempt" was successful.

However, I would not suggest using another assassin Trojan horse chicken because ol' Spaw49 "may" recognize that as a threat. Even some old cats can learn new tricks. Now, using an exploding egg disguised as a cute little pipping chick about to emerge from
a colored Easter egg should do the trick. At his age, Spaw's eyesight and hearin' caint be too good and he will have to be close up an personal with the egg next to his ear as the "ticking" baby chick pips its way outta the egg.

After the ensuing explosion, "All the Kings Horses and All the Kings Men will not be able to put Ol' Spaw together again…

Big, big problem solved.

Spaw, you know of course everyone, well some, okay a few, well really only 1 or 2, er, no one really likes you, even your auntie sinsull what tries to have you kilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 09:40 PM

"A paler shade of white, is all."

Actually, after putting out the fire, Spaw was definitely a shiter wade of ...

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 06:32 PM

Did he have a burning ring of fire??

LTS trying vainly to drag this back to music....

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 06:25 PM

Nearly Easter Sinsull...
Try sending Spaw an
Quack!
Geoff.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 06:29 PM

I want the wererabbit one!!!

Don't they have one of Feathers McGraw??

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 06:35 PM

That should have read :-

Nearly Easter Sinsull...
Try sending Spaw an
Easter Bunny?
Quack!
Geoff.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 08:20 PM

I don't need no stinkin' Easter Bunny! All I need is this one here:

This Easter Bunny Lays Easter Eggs .........better if you have hi-speed

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 08:46 PM

I think Smoke and Go Elmac is closer to the original post....

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 10:57 AM

I had a cat like that... silly sod got too close to the Christmas candles one year. I was bringing in the Christmas pud (also flaming) and greeted people with 'Merry Christmas! Shit, the cat's on fire!'

It was the look on the cat's face as he turned round - as if to say 'what's that funny smell? Ooh, it's my bum!'

LTS















The cat was fine, long guard hairs flamed and extinguished instantly, thick coat protected him from actual burning.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 07:42 PM

I did not have murderous intentions with that chicken!
Red Rum Red Rum

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: Becca72
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 07:44 PM

I would just like to remind all taking shots at Sinsull....yard sale season starts here in just a couple of months...you better watch out!

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: ranger1
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 07:49 PM

Why do you think I've been defending her?

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: JennyO
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 09:31 PM

Speaking of cats on fire - there's this little ditty by one of our favourite Oz songwriters:

BASINGSTOKE - © Bernard Bolan

I've got a cat called Basingstoke, he's a cat you must admire
He's black and white, or he was 'till the night that he jumped into the fire
What a night! The tale it must be told
So grip your seat for you're in for a treat that will make your blood run cold.
Basingstoke, he used to be so furry
Till he tried to kung-fu the canary.
Up he jumped soaring ever higher
Then the soaring stopped and down he dropped
In the middle of the fire

In flames and smoke my Basingstoke went roaring round the room
His fiery tum and his blackened bum appeared to spell his doom.
What a cat! Whoever would have guessed
He could stick his rear in a pint of beer while beating out his chest.
Basingstoke, he truly is a trier.
It takes guts to sing when you're on fire
What a cat! You should have seen him strain
Stuck like glue in the bottom of the loo and trying to pull the chain

Now life's no joke for Basingstoke so runs the ugly rumour
That the fiery hob did not just rob him of his sense of humour
Poor old chap! The prospect it appals
Just one jump and down with a bump
And he's burnt off all his undergrowth.
Basingstoke, his tale is truly tragic
Fire and smoke, they have robbed him of his magic
The former spring-pawed terror of the tiles
Just sits and sighs with tears in his eyes
'Cause he only raises smiles.

Basingstoke, he used to be a charmer
Now ladies joke, they talk of fried banana
Poor old chap! He was too young to retire
Once he was happy, handsome and hairy
Just a red-blooded pussy with a taste for canary
Now he comes somewhere between a fritter and a fairy
Since he walked the fire.

Subject: RE: BS: Sinsull Attempts To Kill Spaw
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 10:04 PM

That is horrible!
Poor kitty - I have witnessed many an inferno with kitties who insisted on cuddling up to the dinner candles or down on the pilot light. Crackle, FZZZZ, and stink. Singed tails and a look that says "I meant to do that!".