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22 Jun 08 - 08:33 PM (#2372207) Subject: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Continued from 3rd Joke thread of 2008! |
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22 Jun 08 - 08:36 PM (#2372209) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe You might have seen this before, but it's still funny! How do they survive? I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW THESE PEOPLE.... ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. " You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich. SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency! "Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid." |
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22 Jun 08 - 09:49 PM (#2372226) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Peace I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy. The item was $3.29. GST was at 5%. The poor kid was lost. I said, "The cost of the item is $3.29. Five percent of that is $.16. That's $3.45." The kid was happy. S/he gave me a plaintive look that implored an answer. I said, "You have to give me $1.55." Where have all the flowers gone? |
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23 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM (#2372253) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Escapee This has happened to me three times. I went to Mc Donald's and ordered a cheeseburger and the attendant asked " Would you like cheese on that? " Really. Three times. |
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23 Jun 08 - 12:04 AM (#2372254) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Peace Screw 'em up and say no! |
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23 Jun 08 - 12:06 AM (#2372256) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Well, looks like the US dominamce of the world may be ending with a whimper... |
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23 Jun 08 - 01:05 AM (#2372273) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Peace LOL And Canada's too I fear. |
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23 Jun 08 - 03:14 AM (#2372311) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Dave Hanson This is true by the way, on a celebrity cooking show the chef asked the celebrity air head blond guest to peel a potato, what with ? was her answer, you feel like screaming at the TV, WITH A FELLING AXE YOU FUCKING MORON. eric |
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23 Jun 08 - 07:52 AM (#2372405) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Moses Sorry Eric, I recon the question is valid. It could have been with a potato peeler, a knife or a potato peeling machine. Christine (Blonde) |
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23 Jun 08 - 08:58 AM (#2372441) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: RangerSteve The above piece about the Radnor, PA police dept. didn't happen. The police chief in Radnor has been disclaiming that story for years. I wish it did happen, though, since it's a great story. |
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23 Jun 08 - 02:43 PM (#2372650) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: DMcG I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy I know a case where the opposite happened. The person concerned had a Saturday job and worked out everything in her head for weeks before she discovered the till did it automatically. |
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23 Jun 08 - 03:52 PM (#2372709) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Playing One's Age" A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" |
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24 Jun 08 - 01:48 AM (#2373015) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Dave Hanson Moses, what difference would it have made, a knife or a peeler ? eric |
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24 Jun 08 - 03:41 AM (#2373039) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.' |
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24 Jun 08 - 07:38 AM (#2373128) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe RFC 2550 - Y10K and Beyond RFCs are memos that provide information for the Internet community. They do not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Abstract As we approach the end of the millennium, much attention has been paid to the so-called "Y2K" problem. Nearly everyone now regrets the short-sightedness of the programmers of yore who wrote programs designed to fail in the year 2000. Unfortunately, the current fixes for Y2K lead inevitably to a crisis in the year 10,000 when the programs are again designed to fail. This specification provides a solution to the "Y10K" problem which has also been called the "YAK" problem (hex) and the "YXK" problem (Roman numerals). http://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc2550 |
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25 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM (#2373908) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Turn Off Your Cell Phone! We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen, and mine is out in the car." |
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25 Jun 08 - 10:32 PM (#2374490) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: MarkS Really happened! I go into a shop to buy a watch battery. Pretty young woman clerk tells me it is $ 7.99. I so OK and clerk turns her back and starts installing the battery. While this is going on I fish around in my pockets and come up with $ 8.47. ( 6% sales tax at the time). Clerk hands me the watch and I hand her the cash. Following conversation ensues: Clerk "What is this for?" Me "To pay you for the battery." Clerk gets puzzled look on her face, goes to the register, rings up the sale ---- $ 8.47. Counts cash, puts it in the till, takes receipt and hands it to me, and says: "Wow. You must be some kind of genius." Friends and neighbors, in my long and dismal life I have been called many things by young women. But I gotta tellya. That is the first and so far only time I have heard the word "genius!" Mark |
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26 Jun 08 - 06:32 PM (#2375164) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Helen I was in the music shop a couple of weeks ago, listening to another customer explaining to the 2 young men behind the counter that she wanted ensemble arrangements for Happy Birthday. First she asked what key the clarinet sheet music should be written in if the other instruments are playing the key of C Major. (A fair question, since clarinets, I think, are B-flat instruments.) Then she asked what key the cello plays in. The young men scratched their heads and couldn't answer. I wanted to reply with the punch line of the following joke: Q: What do you feed a 200lb budgerigar? A: Anything it #$%@! wants. MarkS, Your story reminds me of when I worked in a public library and a man came in to find a book on a specific subject. He possibly had never been in a library before. After asking what he was looking for I walked down the length of the library to find the section where those books were shelved. As I was walking I was mentally reminding myself of the specific Dewey Decimal Number that the book would be shelved under, and looking at the shelves to find the right section. I went straight for the shelf I needed, reached up, pulled a relevant book from the shelf and as I handed it to him he looked at me in total awe and said, "How did you do that?" I said, "Magic!" (But then I explained about the numbering system and the categories.) To him it must have looked like I just reached at random for any book and happened to pick the right one first time. (A note about calculating numbers: when I was teaching at a TAFE (in Oz - post-school college where people go to upgrade their school qualifications or to learn vocational and/or technical skills) I was pleased to see that in the numeracy classes the teacher made a point of teaching "guestimating" i.e. doing a quick mental calculation to get a rough idea of the likely answer, to double check the calculators or cash registers. Helen |
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26 Jun 08 - 11:02 PM (#2375292) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: katlaughing The pocketbook I bought recently had a small laminated card inside which had the various percentages calculated for tipping waitstaff. My daughters did not learn to do figures in their heads. Not sure why but I do know it drives them nuts when I do. Still, they don't make stupid mistakes like some of those in the jokes above.:-) |
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27 Jun 08 - 08:37 AM (#2375486) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Schantieman Waitstaff? Waitstaff? Good grief! S |
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27 Jun 08 - 10:59 AM (#2375594) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. :-) |
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27 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM (#2375941) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Midchuck McCain fathered a child when he was 8? Wow! Maybe I'll vote for him after all. Peter |
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29 Jun 08 - 12:19 AM (#2376507) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: HuwG As part of the present UK celebrations of serving and retired armed forces personnel, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is visiting a hospital ward full of soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan. She goes to the first, who has arms and legs swathed in plaster. "What happened to you?" she asks. "Land mine, Ma'am" he replies. "And what happened to you?" she says to the next man, also covered in bandages. "Anti-tank rocket launcher, Ma'am" he says. The next man appears to be uninjured, but is staring rigidly ahead. "What happened to you?" asks the Duchess. There is no reply. Thinking the soldier might be hard of hearing, the Duchess repeats the question in a louder voice. The soldier in the next bed says, "Beg pardon Ma'am, but he doesn't speak. He's not been quite right since he got a bullet in his a**e." "Tut, tut, such language", says Camilla. "Rectum, my good man, rectum!" The soldier replies "Rectum and no mistake, Ma'am. F***ing near killed 'im!" |
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04 Jul 08 - 10:50 AM (#2380987) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Instant Reaction" A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!" |
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04 Jul 08 - 10:56 AM (#2380989) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Fireworks" One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state. (because they are illegal in their state, of course!) Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic—they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!" Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it was discovered that he was a police officer. The father turned as innocently as he could to Johnny, and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told then the gas grill was all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They headed out the back just as Johnny came back in through the front door. The father hurried to him and said "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?" "Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!" |
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06 Jul 08 - 03:08 AM (#2382189) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. |
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06 Jul 08 - 09:15 AM (#2382285) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy (From my newly-13 son) Why is a woman like a condom? Because she spends more time in your wallet than on your dick! |
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06 Jul 08 - 12:11 PM (#2382386) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: dick greenhaus So there was this bluegrass band..just starting to get popular. Bar bookings, maybe a festival or two. THey had one problem, though--the bass player kept getting behind on the beat, dragging down the tempo. The other band members tried to teach, convince, persuade, cajole him..but to no effect. They finally had to fire him and find a replacement. THe bass player took it very hard. He brooded. He took to drinking. And finally, in a fit of depression, he went to the railroad station and threw himself behind a train. |
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06 Jul 08 - 08:30 PM (#2382652) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: peterfirth Then there's the story of the bass player who locked himself in his car. It took the drummer 3 hours to unlock the car and rescue him. |
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07 Jul 08 - 06:10 AM (#2382811) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Andrez Aha! Somewhere I feel I can make a small but lasting contribution to the sum total of human mirth. Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: A pair of slippers! Its all downhill from here folks :-) Cheers, Andrez |
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07 Jul 08 - 10:28 AM (#2382974) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: dick greenhaus Not to mention the cellist who got locked into his convertible. And it started raining. And he couldn't raise the top. (he's the one who was trapped on an escalator for hours during a power outage. ) |
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07 Jul 08 - 07:09 PM (#2383359) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Steve Shaw Is this the world's oldest "joke?" Did you hear about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue? Disarsed 'er! |
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07 Jul 08 - 07:31 PM (#2383370) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "New Word Definitions" Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. *Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. *Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what he left out. *Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. *Critical Path Method -* A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. *OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun. *Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. *Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated damages begin. *Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. *Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded. *Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies. |
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10 Jul 08 - 06:52 AM (#2385535) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Sex in the Shower In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison .... |
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11 Jul 08 - 11:52 AM (#2386636) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy From a friend in Congress... An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.' The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.' The waiter says 'Whoa, there Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?' The Indian smiles and proudly says: 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.' |
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11 Jul 08 - 12:30 PM (#2386672) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Ernest LOL: shooting buffalo with a shotgun.... |
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11 Jul 08 - 11:59 PM (#2387163) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe I'm not making this up, you know... http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-news/4783517/weevil-upset-bellyache-bush Weevil could upset bellyache bush July 12, 2008, 5:39 am A new weapon is being developed in the battle against one of northern Australia's worst weeds. A Mexican stem-boring weevil has been imported to Australia and is being carefully studied in quarantine. It is hoped the beetle could help slow the spread of the bellyache bush weed, which is threatening tropical rivers from the Kimberley, through the Northern Territory and into Queensland. Scientists are testing the weevil against almost 40 other plants, and have yet to successfully breed it under laboratory conditions. It could take years before the weevil is approved for release as a biological control. The jury is still out over the success of the last insect released to control bellyache bush. Around 19,000 central American jewel bugs were released across the Top End during the last five years, but pastoralists say they have been wiped out by native assassin beetles. ~~~~~~~~~ So only time will tell which was the lesser of two weevils... |
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12 Jul 08 - 06:44 AM (#2387246) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: John O'L A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The cop asked to see the driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.' |
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12 Jul 08 - 09:20 PM (#2387583) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Joe_F There is a much older one about a duchess in a military hospital. She asks a soldier where he was wounded. He is bashful, and she says, Come, now, we're both grownups. All right, says, he, In the penis. Oh, says she, with a hint of concern, and was the bone broken? My compliments to the Duke, says the soldier. * Q. What is half of one and six dozen of the other? A. A gross discrepancy. |
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13 Jul 08 - 04:16 PM (#2387941) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Bubba At The Revival" Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?" Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, the court date is not until next Wednesday." |
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13 Jul 08 - 04:18 PM (#2387944) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Lumber" A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a four-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the four-car garage, I also built a five-bedroom, four- bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" |
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13 Jul 08 - 06:53 PM (#2388027) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,lox I made this up last week. It's my magnum opus! Are you ready? Here goes! Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? (scroll down) To get to the other side ... |
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13 Jul 08 - 07:20 PM (#2388051) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Bee-dubya-ell I'm in awe, lox! |
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13 Jul 08 - 08:53 PM (#2388094) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Such originality! |
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14 Jul 08 - 06:11 AM (#2388266) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: John O'L Jim Morrison jokes eh? What did Jim Morrison say when he exposed himself onstage? (Scroll down) "This is the end ..." |
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14 Jul 08 - 10:47 AM (#2388441) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? But Most Of All, Remember! Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway! |
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14 Jul 08 - 11:06 AM (#2388460) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,lox Alright then you asked for it ... What did Jim Morison say to one of his groupies when it started getting cold? hmmm? hmmm? come on baby! |
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17 Jul 08 - 01:53 AM (#2391141) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son… what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS! |
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17 Jul 08 - 04:55 AM (#2391196) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Georgiansilver On the lines of Foolestroupes quips:- What does an occasional table do when it isn't. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission. When the person inventing the drawing board got it wrong...what did they go back to? Why is there only one word for Thesaurus? Why do so few people know how to spell Dyslexia? If cabbage is good for you...why do cabbage white butterflies only live for one day? Why does someone always answer the phone when you get a wrong number? |
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17 Jul 08 - 06:54 AM (#2391271) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head "What is your age?" asked the Barrister, "and remember you are under oath." "I am twenty-one and some months." the woman answered. "How many months?" "One hundred and eight" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Two Boy Scout Cubs, whose younger brother had fallen into the lake, rushed home to mother with tears in their eyes. "We tried to give him artificial respiration," one of them sobbed, "but he keeps getting up and walking away." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Young Tommy was peering through a hole in the hedge surrounding a naturist camp. His friend asked "What can you see Tommy? Are there men or women in there?" "I can't tell," replied Tommy "None of them have any clothes on" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx An American tourist found himself in a sleepy little English village and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well Zur, we ain't got one now. He died last week" |
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18 Jul 08 - 10:08 AM (#2392074) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO A man and a small boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment, shave, shampoo, manicure, and haircut; he'd picked up the boy and sat him in the barber's chair. "I'm going next door and shop for a pair of shoes," he said. "I'll be back in ten minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Well, son, it looks like your dad's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "That man just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're going get a free haircut." |
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18 Jul 08 - 10:10 AM (#2392078) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here, and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?" "I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again." |
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19 Jul 08 - 10:01 AM (#2392831) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Roger the Skiffler Subject: FW: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 55 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll l find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. RtS |
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21 Jul 08 - 09:20 AM (#2394101) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Flying" Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure----by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?" "Continental 635: Cleared for takeoff, roger. And yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." |
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21 Jul 08 - 09:21 AM (#2394104) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Blonde Stewardess" An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
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21 Jul 08 - 05:21 PM (#2394542) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Football news UK. Just heard on Talksport: Liverpool have signed 2 new players - one from Japan and one from Italy. Rafa says they should fit in really well with the scousers. They're called Nikamota and Robatelli. |
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21 Jul 08 - 05:33 PM (#2394553) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO I don't git it. |
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21 Jul 08 - 07:22 PM (#2394626) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Jim Dixon Nikamota = nick a motor = steal a car. …but I have no idea why it's supposed to be funny. I'm still working on Robatelli. |
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21 Jul 08 - 07:41 PM (#2394638) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: curmudgeon Robatelli. = rob a telly; and it's still not funny - Tom |
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22 Jul 08 - 08:43 PM (#2395556) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe A pig and a chicken are walking down a road. The chicken looks at the pig and says, "Hey, why don't we open a restaurant?" The pig looks back at the chicken and says, "Good idea, what do you want to call it?" The chicken thinks about it and says, "Why don't we call it 'Ham and Eggs'?" "I don't think so," says the pig, "I'd be committed but you'd only be involved." |
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22 Jul 08 - 08:51 PM (#2395561) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe This is a Russian joke that makes fun of the former East German government, so it might not be funny to everyone... but I worked in the Public Service... :-) Lenin travels with the train through Russia, and the train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Lenin sends all workers in the factory that might be responsible to a labor camp. Stalin travels with the train through Russia a few years later, and the train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Stalin has all workers in the factory that might be responsible shot. Honecker (the former head of State of the GDR) travels with the train through Russia. The train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Honecker has a brilliant idea: "The people that are responsible should be forced to rock the train, so we can sit inside and feel like it is still running." |
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22 Jul 08 - 09:26 PM (#2395582) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Walrus 1917, Lenin and the Bolsheviks were on a sealed German train moving into Russia. After a day of travelling, one of the Bolsheviks asks if anyone knows where they are Lenin hangs his arm out of the carriage, pulls it back and announces - "We are still in Germany" Later in the journey again one of the comrades asks where they are, again Lenin hangs an arm out of the carriage, "We are in Poland" Yet later in the journey, a traveller asks where they were, again Lenin hung an arm out of the train, pulled it in. looked at it and announced, "Now we are in Mother Russia!". After the train finally rolled into the station, Trotsky quietly asked Lenin how he could tell their location by simply putting his arm out of the train. "Ah!" said Lenin, "When we passed through Germany, I put my had out of the train and the locals shook it, When we passed through Poland, I put my hand out and the locals spat at it, "And when I put my hand out in Russia ... Some Ba*d stole my watch!". |
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23 Jul 08 - 11:16 AM (#2395996) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Wesley S From Jay Leno last night: Why do Canadian couples like to do it "doggie-style"?? So they can both watch the hockey game. |
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23 Jul 08 - 02:23 PM (#2396146) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back. |
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24 Jul 08 - 05:57 AM (#2396622) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Home Security System ~ Southern Style. 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. "Cooter" |
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24 Jul 08 - 06:04 AM (#2396627) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe KIDS STILL SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,' The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.' Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,' Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,' The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,' Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with onerous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into e hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk.' 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' |
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24 Jul 08 - 11:30 AM (#2396812) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Jim Dixon True story: I knew a teacher who had collected a list of "words of wisdom" contributed by her students. One of them was: "If you're being dragged, let go of the leash." |
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24 Jul 08 - 04:32 PM (#2397027) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' |
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25 Jul 08 - 12:16 PM (#2397684) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Maybe this is not really a joke, but here goes: -- "Good Answer" No matter who you supported in the primary, this is just simply a wonderful response by Jon Stewart to a stupid question: Is America ready for a black president? In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked Stewart if America was ready for a woman or a black president. Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question. Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?" |
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26 Jul 08 - 09:14 AM (#2398263) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops andlivestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss! Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared. I Love This Country! It's The Government That Scares Me! |
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27 Jul 08 - 03:12 AM (#2398612) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Roger the Skiffler Message from the Queen To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). ------------------------ 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "U" and the elimination of -ize. ------------------- 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. --------------------- 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with clotted cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! RtS |
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27 Jul 08 - 03:18 AM (#2398613) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,lansing bravo!!....had an e-mail attributing the prior post to John Clease. |
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27 Jul 08 - 05:30 AM (#2398646) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Walrus "...15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)..." That date should read 1763 - After all, half the oriinal plotters of the 'revolution' were only doing it as a way of evading the back taxes to pay for the Seven Years War in the Americas (aka French & Indian Wars). W |
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27 Jul 08 - 08:20 AM (#2398688) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Midchuck 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.... 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. In all seriousness, the above are all pretty good ideas IMO. But I'm probably not a Good American. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. Hey, that doesn't seem fair. You guys get around the lack of guns by cutting each other (in the literal sense, not the social) constantly. We should at least be allowed to do the same. And whatever you say about our lawyers, they don't go into court wearing rat's nests on their heads! Peter |
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27 Jul 08 - 09:59 AM (#2398719) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle Phil Dude, like let me make fer sure I've got this right. Are we talking, like, one of them piddlely little countries between here and Europe? But not the one where the dudes wear, like, little catholic schoolgirl skirts -- we're talking the one with the funny little cars, and princesses and warm soupy beer and, like, stuff like that. - Phil |
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27 Jul 08 - 11:41 AM (#2398754) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: deadfrett There's a new laxative on the market. Its kinda like Exlax but made with chicken feathers..It just tickles the crap out of you. |
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27 Jul 08 - 03:16 PM (#2398867) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: frogprince This seems so obvious, but to the best of my knowledge it's never appeared in print before: Why is a woman like a card table? |
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27 Jul 08 - 03:18 PM (#2398870) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Okay, I'll be the one to bite: Why? |
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27 Jul 08 - 05:42 PM (#2398954) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Jim Dixon For the benefit of those folklorists who want to compare in detail the subtle variations on the "revocation of independence" theme, I have compiled a little list: 1. 13 Nov 2000 2. 15 Nov 2000 - 07:08 AM 3. 15 Nov 2000 - 09:11 AM 4. 18 Nov 2000 5. 28 Nov 2000 6. 29 Nov 2000 7. 08 Dec 2000 8. 02 Apr 2001 9. 09 Nov 2004 10. 25 Nov 2004 - 04:13 AM 11. 25 Nov 2004 - 07:12 PM 12. 06 Jul 2005 13. 09 Oct 2005 |
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27 Jul 08 - 05:43 PM (#2398955) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: frogprince You push the little button, and the legs fold up. |
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27 Jul 08 - 05:45 PM (#2398956) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Jim Dixon p.s. John Cleese did not write it. See Snopes.com. |
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27 Jul 08 - 09:46 PM (#2399106) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Joe_F Back to eastern Europe: It was the 150th anniversary of Chopin's birth, and the USSR built an appropriate monument. Of course, the Polish ambassador was invited to the dedication. A drape was lifted off, revealing a statue of a seated man with a pointy beard. "But" -- expostulated the ambassador -- "this is not Chopin!" "Of course not!" huffed the Russian sitting next to him, "This is Lenin *listening* to Chopin." |
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29 Jul 08 - 05:07 AM (#2400121) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?' God said, 'Go down into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a valley?' God explained it to him. Then God said, 'cross the river.' Adam said, 'What's a river?' God explained that to him and then said, 'go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.' Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?' And Adam said.... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 'What's a headache? |
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29 Jul 08 - 05:46 AM (#2400135) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: eddie1 Received from a girlfriend. GIVING UP WINE I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty, shabby-looking homeless woman, asking for a few dollars for dinner. I drew ten dollars from my wallet and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the woman assured me. "Will you waste it on shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I persisted. "Are you NUTS!" exclaimed the homeless woman. "I havent had my hair done in 20 years!" 'Well," I said, "Instead of giving you the ten dollars, I want to take you out for a good dinner tonight! We'll meet my husband at the restaurant." The homeless woman was stunned. "Won't your husband be furious with you? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell awful." "That's okay," I told her. "It's important for him to see how a woman looks after giving up shopping, hair appointments, and wine." THE DUCK A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way? "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What on earth do they want with a plasterer??!" Eddie |
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29 Jul 08 - 11:35 AM (#2400370) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Sex and Death "Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." -- Woody Allen |
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29 Jul 08 - 04:42 PM (#2400640) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Wesley S A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?' The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.' After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.' The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit around here.' |
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29 Jul 08 - 05:07 PM (#2400668) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'OK.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked. |
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29 Jul 08 - 08:37 PM (#2400863) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy One question is, should you put Descartes before divorce? A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?" |
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30 Jul 08 - 11:37 AM (#2401335) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: quokka loved the duck eddie1. Pure gold. |
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30 Jul 08 - 11:41 AM (#2401339) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Joy Bringer George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR .... After his talk he then offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley" responds the little boy. And what is your question, Stanley? I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why is it 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance ? Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question? Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Johnnie" he responds. And what is your question, Johnnie? Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why has only 1/2 the population of American got health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what the !?!@# happened to Stanley? |
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31 Jul 08 - 06:49 AM (#2402073) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head This is being circulated as a genuine complaint to the police in England. I've no idea whether it's true or not, but it's well written and quite amusing. This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sirs, your obedient servant ??????? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr ??????, I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ? Community Beat Officer --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear PC ? First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards ? P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!! |
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31 Jul 08 - 10:27 AM (#2402217) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Lack Of Communications" All airmen going through basic training at Lackland Air Force Base in California are urged to write frequent letters home. But they don't always do so. One such airman had to be called into the commander's office when this letter was received from his mother: "Dear Sir: I have not heard from my son for three weeks. If he is dead, please send his body to Route 1, Hugo, Oklahoma 74743."s |
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31 Jul 08 - 10:35 AM (#2402230) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Army Vs. Navy" A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty." |
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31 Jul 08 - 06:34 PM (#2402640) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Anne Lister Picking up on the story above - this isn't a joke exactly, but a true anecdote from a friend of mine who was trying to set up a computer system for all three forces here in the UK. She said one of the problems was the different use of language. For example, if you said "Secure that building" to the Army, they'd have sharp shooters trained on the exits, they'd have soldiers going in and taking over and within minutes the building would be taken. But "Secure that building" to the Navy would mean putting down an anchor, lashing it down with ropes and probably adding a few sandbanks for good measure. Whereas the Air Force would get hold of the title deeds .... Anne |
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01 Aug 08 - 02:47 PM (#2403194) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. - So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.' I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say - 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write - 'A Good Doctor!' Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? - Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? - Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older - then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me - I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. |
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02 Aug 08 - 01:36 AM (#2403487) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Walrus Heard recently What's the difference between Max Mosley and Robert Mugabe? Mosley admit when he's been beaten. (Coat collected, just waiting for the cab) |
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02 Aug 08 - 11:36 AM (#2403638) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Donuel Marriage is Grand. Divorce is a couple hundred Grand. Nobody goes to Obama rallys anymore, they are too crowded, Britany Spears says "I love Bush and hate Obama so I am glad I was in the Obama video" Anthrax attack accusation lead to sthe uicide of poor Mr. Ivans. Not wanting to face the similar problems of falsely accused Mr. Hatfield who recieved a settlement for 5.3 million dollars ($3 million after taxes), Mr. Irans took an overdose of muscle relaxers and died prior to the advance warning of arrest and Congressional hearings. Mr. Ivans will forever be innocent in the eyes of the law and friends. It was said that it is impossible that he was guilty despite the findings of a whacko liberal goverment psychiatrist. 1. He was deeply involved in his Evangelical Church. 2, He was a great Republican patriot and huge fan of Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and John Savage. 3."He was a dedicated NRA member with hundreds of guns and was an all around nice guy" according to his neighbor (name with held). The Bush Justus Department was quoted as saying "We are glad to finally put this incident behind us" If you recall, live Anthrax was sent to Democratic Senators, Congressmaen and "liberal" news anchors who did not openly support another Iraq/US war. Senator John McCain was quoted tp say that "intelligence reports point to Iraq and perhaps Iran as the Anthrax terrorists". If real life isn't funny enough, I have a great gospel style song about Anthrax I wrote 7 years ago. |
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02 Aug 08 - 12:09 PM (#2403665) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Donuel I took out a reverse mortgage and the bank was foreclosed. |
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03 Aug 08 - 11:53 AM (#2404281) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Cute Questions asked by Kids" She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six." |
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04 Aug 08 - 03:41 AM (#2404683) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Splott Man Sorry, I've got to do it... 100! |
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04 Aug 08 - 05:16 AM (#2404719) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST Severed-head @ 05:07 29/7... God first said (under His breath) "Jeez." [To Adam, of course.] Now, thats what you CALL family planning! |
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05 Aug 08 - 08:43 AM (#2405648) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Bungee Jumping In Mexico" While Al and Joe were bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?" |
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05 Aug 08 - 07:56 PM (#2406130) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Steve Shaw Good question. Embarrassed emoticon. |
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06 Aug 08 - 09:36 AM (#2406471) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "The Fundamentalist Dog" This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head. |
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06 Aug 08 - 10:56 AM (#2406553) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Donuel At work I had to take a sexual harrasment and stalking seminar. And I think I'm getting reeally good at it now. |
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07 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM (#2407963) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "Depressed Dog" A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend. "I'm really depressed all the time, and I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired." "Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend. "Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch." |
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08 Aug 08 - 10:42 AM (#2408415) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Wesley S So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation. The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life. And close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your card! Show him your card!" |
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09 Aug 08 - 11:45 PM (#2409667) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,heric A salesman rang a doorbell and the door was opened by a seven year old boy wearing a robe, with a Playboy and a cigar in his right hand, and a martini glass in the left. With only the briefest pause, the salesman asked "Excuse me, son, are your parents at home?" The boy looked sideways, then up at the man, and said "What do you fucking think?" |
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11 Aug 08 - 12:14 PM (#2410640) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "In Trouble" I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was about to ask him how his weekend went when I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner. "What the hell happened to you? Were you mugged?" I asked. "Worse" Jim said painfully. "Were you hit by a car? What happened?" "Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in Mendocino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin there." he said. "Well? How did you get that black eye? How did you get those bruises on your arms? What about that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto accident?" I said, interrupting his story. "Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon. We were all having breakfast together. That honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks 'would you please pass the sugar, sugar?' "We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the 'isn't that romantic' look women get. Then Kevin said to Liz, 'Please pass the honey, honey. "Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass the tea-bag'." |
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12 Aug 08 - 10:53 AM (#2411535) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO "The Art of Borrowing" Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." "Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs; mind if I borrow 'em?" |
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12 Aug 08 - 01:05 PM (#2411651) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: ToulouseCruise Oldie but a goodie... A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?" |
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12 Aug 08 - 01:22 PM (#2411681) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: dick greenhaus So this guy sidles up to a barstool next to this gorgeous blonde, and asks her if he can buy her a drink. The 6-foot four-inch bartender walks up and growls: "That's my wife. Now what do you want?" And the man replies, "Er, I'd just like a piece of beer." |
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18 Aug 08 - 12:04 PM (#2416887) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO The Cost of Brain Transplants A man was told by the doctor that he needed a brain transplant. The man was distraught, but he started asking the doctor about his options, and the doctor began to show him three different brains. The doctor told him, "The first brain we have is a truck driver's brain. He was a moral man, a kind man and a very good family man that made about $50,000-$75,000 per year. We can sell you this brain for $1 million!" The doctor went on, "The second brain is that of a Harvard law professor. He was a good moral man, very religious, very kind, he always was charitable and helped others, and he made about $250,000. We can sell you that brain for $2 million." "The third brain is that of a banjo player, and we get $20 million for that brain!" He then shut his mouth and didn't say another word. The man looked at the doctor and asked, "How come the banjo player's brain is so expensive?" The doctor replied, "Obviously you don't know much about banjo players! A banjo player's brain is barely used!" |
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18 Aug 08 - 12:15 PM (#2416892) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Diet Tip A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would never be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" |
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18 Aug 08 - 05:49 PM (#2417229) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Alan Day Sad news about Pinochio Set fire to himself masturbating. How do you make love to your wife Pinochio? I get her to sit on my face and I tell lots of lies. Al |
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18 Aug 08 - 06:46 PM (#2417287) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: olddude A ventriloquist was doing an act and was making blond joke after blond joke. Finally a lady stood up and said. I am sick of this, all you are doing is supporting the notion that blonds are somehow less intelligent. I get so sick of people like you. The ventriloquist replied, I am sorry I didn't mean to offend you, it is just and act ... really wasn't anything ... I apologize The blond said ... I wasn't talking to you mister. I was talking to the little wooden bastard next to you. |
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18 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM (#2417289) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Jim Dixon See my Pinocchio joke here. |
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18 Aug 08 - 07:00 PM (#2417296) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: olddude sick but funny: A guy goes into a bar with a monkey, the monkey runs across the bar and starts swallowing everything he can get. Opens up the pickled eggs and down the hatch. He then jumps to the pool table, grabs the que ball puts it in his mouth and swallows it. The bartender says, what is with your monkey? he swallows everything, he just swallowed a que ball. The guys says yea he does stuff like that. A week later the guy comes back into the bar with the monkey, the monkey starts grabbing thinks, putting them up his butt and then swallowing them. The bartender says that is disgusting , now your monkey is putting things up his butt and swallowing them. The guy says yes ... well after he swallowed the que ball ... he now measures everything first! |
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19 Aug 08 - 09:52 AM (#2417696) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Alan Day Is that the set Jim? Al |
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20 Aug 08 - 10:18 PM (#2419142) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: BK Lick A Short Love Story A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans- continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Yes. That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of stunned silence, he farted. The End |
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22 Aug 08 - 04:44 PM (#2420302) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and drives the ball. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.' The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did help me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.' A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?' The golfer says 'It's great! I hit under par every time.' The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?' The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.' The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?' The golfer looks at him shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.' The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?' The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish. |
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23 Aug 08 - 03:23 PM (#2420817) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO A priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: They would all go out into the woods; each would find a bear, preach to and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." |
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23 Aug 08 - 09:45 PM (#2420968) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe 6 truths of life: 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it 3. The first truth is a lie 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face |
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23 Aug 08 - 11:09 PM (#2421002) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: RangerSteve I just tried it. I can touch all my teeth with my tongue. I don't feel like an idiot. |
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24 Aug 08 - 03:17 AM (#2421061) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe ,,, but why are you smiling like one then? :-P |
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24 Aug 08 - 08:31 PM (#2421492) Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Continued in The 5th Joke thread of 2008! |