BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:29 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Continued from The 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:32 PM

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak at the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.



-Ever wondered why?



Because she smells like a new Ute.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:35 PM

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)...............



The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:47 PM

Like the young man who took his girlfriend for a ride on his new motorcycle.
Passing through a nearby woods the cycle came to a halt. "We've run out of petrol" he said.
And someone stole his bike while he was pushing it home!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:02 PM

"..Because she smells like a new Ute."

ummm...I want to laugh. What's a 'Ute'?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peter T.
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:18 PM

Ute is an Australian car/truck used (famously) to haul goods during the week, and the wife to church on Sunday.

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:28 PM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ute
see section 3 Vehicles

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:56 PM

A guy's wife was already in bed when he walked into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He said "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache." "That's a sheep you asshole." "Shut up I wasn't talking to you."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 08:35 AM

Twenty Five Signs That you've Grown Up


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"





Bonus:





26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't' t apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old @ss. Then you forward it t o a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 10:42 AM

"Canadian Customer"

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if
there was a faster way to trigger menu commands
than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts
for many of those commands. For example, suppose
you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do
it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for
me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front
of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole
document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press
Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen.
I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening,
eh?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 02:39 PM

LOL...thought this might find a home in this thread:

"We are here for a spell: get all the laughs you can."
    ~ Will Rogers

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 03:43 PM

A buzzard checks in at O'Hare Airport for a flight to New York with two dead raccoons. The flight attendant told him "Sorry, but you're only allowed once piece of carrion baggage".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 03:47 PM

Most people have a skeleton in their closet. David Beckham takes his out in public.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 05:51 PM

WARNING: Election time coming

The Devil and Gordon Brown

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: bfdk
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 06:33 PM

Got this in the mail today:

Cowboy Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 09:30 PM

"St Peter, I'm bored. May I try hell for a while?"
"You're there."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 02:46 PM

"Pulled Over"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"All right, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 05:18 PM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns



    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the lady who lives next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
    Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Sheila

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

    I hope this helps.
    -Walter

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 08:45 PM

A first-grade teacher, on the first day of class, gave her pupils a little quiz to check on their aspirations & aptitudes:

(1) 1 + 1 = ?
(2) What do you want to be when you grow up?

She got back the following papers:

(1) 2.
(2) A schoolteacher.

(1) 10 binary; 2 octal, decimal, or hex.
(2) A computer scientist.

(1) 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.
(2) A mathematician.

(1) You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.
(2) An engineer.

(1) What answer do you want?
(2) An accountant.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 08 - 05:12 PM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

So remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW............ Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong,

and try to cover your ass,

it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 12:26 AM

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money. I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'I'm broke' do you not understand?'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 10:32 AM

"Quick Decisions"

The train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the
fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The
passengers were horrified.

At the next railway station the driver was caught. He
was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the
tracks and he was not moving from there even after
lots of honks, etc...

The authorities questioned: "Are you mad?!? Just to
save the life of one person you put the lives of so many
passengers in danger!?! You should have run over that
person..."

He said, "Exactly! That is what I also decided, but this
*idiot* started running towards the field when the train
came very close, so I decided to..."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 10:33 AM

"Poor Hank"

Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday
when he walked home from work, he would get
stopped by three nasty men and they would beat
him up and steal his money.

Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best
interest to walk a different route and then take
up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't
happen again. He joined a karate class and soon
was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank
took his old route home and sure enough there
they were. He walked up to them and the battle
ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his
karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and
a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home
last night so I could beat these guys up who were
stealing my money, but they beat me up before I
could get my shoes and socks off!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 08:53 AM

"Fresh Lunch"

A bricklayer at my husband's construction job
routinely complained about the contents of his
lunch box.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!"
he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife
straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until
lunchtime to hear what happened.

"You bet I told her off," the brick- layer boasted.
"I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!'
We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point
across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience,
he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had
packed a coconut and a hammer.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Maxine
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 03:48 PM

I can only apologise - but they are funny (I like the one about the sheep dog)

There was recently a conference on multiple personality disorder. Anyone who was everyone was there.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic who used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?

Or the dyslexic pimp who opened a Warehouse?

Or the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

Or the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa

There was chaos at London Zoo this week. Someone gave the hyena an oxo cube and he ended up a laughing stock

Disaster in the Atlantic as a cargo ship carrying a load of blue paint crashed into a cargo ship carrying a load of red paint - the crews were all marooned.

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

I read a very disturbing article in a magazine the other day about the damaging effects of drinking too much. So that's it for me, no more reading.

A farmer sent his sheepdog out to count his sheep. The dog came back and said, "There's 40 of them".
The farmer said "40? but I only bought 39". The dog replied, "I know, I rounded them up".

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

I saw a monkey walking down the street with a banana and a tin opener in his hand. I said "hey, monkey, you don't need a tin opener for a banana". The monkey said, "I know, it's for my custard."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 05:27 PM

POKER HIGH STAKES

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 06:09 PM

From the thread list just now...

BS: Observations of Republican Convention         
BS: Beer, Tits and Spiritual growth         
BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 06:24 PM

Thank you for purchasing
'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills.

Enjoy!



1) Did you fart?
   cuz you blew me away.

   2) Are yer parents retarded?
   cuz ya sure are special.

   3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
   I can't hold it in.

   4) Do you have a library card?
   cuz I'd like to sign you out

   5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
   cuz I can see myself in em.
      
   6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
   I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

   7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
   but beauty's only a light switch away.

   8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
   Woman - 'WHAT?'
   Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

   9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
   but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

   10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
   I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

   11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

   12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
   we kin sleep til afternoon.


   AND.. the best for last!

   13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
   every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Sep 08 - 08:06 PM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM



If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

__________________ ______________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, aenemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (bless her little heart??!!) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 12:45 AM

LOL...someone just sent me that one! Here's another:

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asks.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 10:20 AM

"Lost in Burbs"

A friend was thinking about buying a new house
in the country and asked me to come out and
look at it.

We found the town, but we couldn't locate the
road.

We drove over to city hall, where a community
get-together was going on, and asked around,
but no one had heard of the road.

Even the policemen and fire personnel were
stumped.

We went to city hall and consulted a map, with
no luck, until finally one young man came to our
aid.

He pointed to the map, showing us exactly
how to get there.

I thanked the young man and asked if he was
with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."


-------


"Pepperoni Pizza"

An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so
he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up
to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did
you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We
put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: breezy
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 12:12 PM

from the son of breezy-josh =](breezy jr)


3 children go missing for 3 days

after the 4th day, 1 of them, a boy, comes back and his t-shirts inside out.

And their teacher demands "where have you been, child?"

he says "I've been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill, miss"

the next day a boy covered in sweat appears and gets asked by the teacher "where have you been?"

"I've been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill miss"

the next day, a completely naked girl comes back and the teacher asks "Let me guess, you have been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill as well have you?"


And the girl replies...
...

...

...


...

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...

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...

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..
...

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...

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...

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...

...

...
"No miss, I am Strawberry Hill!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 11:00 AM

"School Answering Machine"
{I suppose it's not True, but it's funny anyway}

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High
School California staff voted unanimously to record
on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for
the school. This came about because they
implemented a policy requiring parents as well as
the students to be responsible for their children's
absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children's failing grades changed to
passing grades - even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.


"The Result"

The proposed outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in
connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his
work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was
already enclosed in your newsletter and several
flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit
someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time
this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child
must be accountable and responsible for his/her
own behavior, class work, homework, and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,guess
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 05:59 PM

I think Breezy meant Primrose Hill.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 08:59 PM

The church is near, but the road is icy; the tavern is far, but I'll go carefully.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 05:58 AM

May be old - sorry if it is a repeat.

A duck and a chicken are stood on a kerb looking down a couple of inches towards the road and then across it.

Chicken turns to the duck and says "I wouldn't if I were you, I did it once and people haven't stopped talking about it yet".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 07:45 AM

Isn't Primrose Hill Strawberry's sister?
In the version I knew as a kid she was Cherry Lane but perhaps that was just to annoy my mate David Lane.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 08:27 AM

A dad was in a restaurant with his son. The son was demonstrating how he can catch a dollar coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air.

Suddenly, he started to choke, going blue in the face. The dad realises he had swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help..

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the mall.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzipped his pants, took hold of his testicles and started to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulsed violently and coughed up the dollar coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied,' I work for the Australian Taxation Office.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 08:39 AM

"How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?"
I don't know.
"It takes seven."
Why seven?
"IT JUST DOES OK !"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 06:48 PM

NURSES SHOULD NEVER LAUGH


"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, Revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then Fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to Struggle to her feet and regain her composure

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I really am. I don't know What came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 09 Sep 08 - 03:42 PM

A guy was referred to a urologist who turned out to be female and quite a looker. As she was examining him she said "I'm afraid you'll need to stop masturbating so much" "Why?" "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Sep 08 - 07:05 PM

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores?


Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 06:57 AM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience'.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.




'Shit!' said the Hypnotist.





It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 07:05 AM

Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....


'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'


Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......


'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'


So out with the loon.


Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....






NO, The duck didn't say THAT!!!





... Don't be SO disgusting. !




The duck said....




'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 08:59 AM

Are you Dr. Wilson the hypnotist? the police asked
Yes what is the problem?
We are investigating a rape in the area.
What can I do for you.
We would like to know if you are Hypno the rapist , like it says on your door.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 09:29 AM

A pig a dog and a moose and a barracuda 'walk' into a bar,
The bartender says, you're gonna hafta take your politics outside, this is a sports bar.

A basketball player and a hunter walk into a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 10:06 AM

"What A Relief"

A moron tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he
wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and
pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me
to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be
careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed.
"It was such a nuisance crawling outside and
shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 05:08 PM

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Energex written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door?
it won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps" he says, "Does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours....................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 07:38 AM

A woman walks into the Mt. Druitt Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell 'Terry!

' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry! An they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch' ?

'I call them by their last names!'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM

Make this for any sports team rivalry you like - in my home town it's Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday - both football (soocer) clubs.

A Wednesday supporter goes to get his shirt off the washing line in the garden and when he goes out the door he sees the shirt lying in the mud.

His mother comes out, looks at it and says "My goodness, someone has stolen the pegs".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 08:31 PM

"Driving Accident"

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush
and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo
bar' on the front that protects it if he hits a
kangaroo.

Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and
sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo
bar' and his truck.

He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets
on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker
breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar.
How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and
let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls
straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out,
but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 10:36 PM

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ...and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off five inches. Just send the bottle back.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Sep 08 - 11:08 PM

I am a basically shy person. My husband and I met in college. I liked him long before he noticed me, but I would have died rather than initiate anything. He knew how I was when he married me.

We got married 6 months before graduation and got a cute little apartment near campus. My husband was always trying to get me to try the craziest things like bungee jumping and hang gliding, but I was too terrified to try. He never pressured me, but I always got the feeling he was a little disappointed in his wife's timidity. I tried to be supportive and go with him on these little adventures, but I never actually did anything daring;

Last March my husband took up ultralight flying. His instructor was a really gorgeous redhead names Caiti, and my husband said he admired her abilities as a pilot. I wondered if those were her only abilities……………….

Ultralights are very beautiful to watch, and I have thought maybe I could bring myself to go up with my husband sometime. The problem is, he hadn't asked me to come with him.

I started feeling a little jealous of all the time he was spending at the airport, but I couldn't seem to convey my feelings to my husband in a way that he understood. I decided to surprise him one day by showing up unannounced to tell him I would go flying with him.

I pulled into the parking lot next to the hangar and parked my car. I could see my husband's truck parked behind the hangar next to a little portable building. I thought that was strange, as he always parks nearest where his plane is, but shrugged it off and went to find him.

As I rounded the hanger and reached my husband's truck I glanced inside, and couldn't believe my eyes………

My husband had forgotten to drop off the dry cleaning. Why is it men never seem to remember to follow through on an errand unless you call to remind them? Do they do this on purpose?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: julian morbihan
Date: 13 Sep 08 - 05:20 AM

"While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called
a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely
doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Sep 08 - 05:28 AM

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!

Defense Attorney:
Whyever not?

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 08 - 09:57 AM

"Digging A Hole"

A group of friends who prided themselves on their
intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each
person in turn asked a question, and anyone who
volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out.
If no one could answer, the questioner himself had
to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.
Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and
Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so
that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a
hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer
that. However, since it's your question, you had
better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the
accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts
at the bottom of the hole and that's where he
leaves the sand."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's
wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does
the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first
place?"

"That's your question," said Thompson as he took
the money.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 04:48 AM

From the thread list ...

The Weekly Walkabout (part 2.)         
BS: What ruined your day today

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 08:52 AM

Thought For The Day

Never hold your farts in.


They travel up your spine, into your brain,



And that is where shitty thoughts come from!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 11:32 PM

From a friend:

"Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Thank you"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 04:23 AM

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:02 AM

"Children's Logic"

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said
a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
carrying a child."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:04 AM

"Dalmatian's Duties"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck
was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:36 PM

Now that was funny!

sal

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:52 PM

"New Tattoo"

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go
hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when
one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate
little Japanese symbol on her hip.

"Please don't tell my parents," she begged.

"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that
stand for?"

"Honesty," she said.

----------------------

"Say What?"

Our local paper runs a popular column called
"10 Questions" that spotlights people who live
in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about
occupation and age, people are asked the
questions that give a snapshot look of their
personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the
'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common'
thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white
teeth?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:59 PM

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.'

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Bumper Stickers - Part FOUR
From: Peace
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 02:38 PM

NOT bumper stickers, but I can't find the joke thread. This was in an e-mail from yet another Montreal friend. Sorry about all those little >>><<< things.

It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

---

Transferred from bumper sticker thread. >>><<< things deleted. –JoeClone 17-Sep-2008.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 07:33 PM

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100 Bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.


As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.


One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can Understand the first wish having all these beautiful Women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me !!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 11:56 PM

THE COPING DIET

Only girlfriends can understand this one. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 06:24 PM

Wedding Advice

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled
the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ
asked us, "What advice would you give to the
newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a
marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said,

"Yeah, she's probably right."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 06:53 PM

The 5 Stages of Republicanism

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression/Recession

Denial



(from my illustrated cartoon)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 04:04 AM

Some silly thoughts
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the TennesseeTitans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

   Answers on a postcard please

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 12:15 AM

Fools, that one could have done without the emphasis...actually could have done without being posted at all, imo. I know it's a joke thread, but it's not funny, on several levels.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 10:44 AM

@ severed head:

Answer to question # 6 is in the.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...news!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 11:00 AM

"Customer Service"

I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed
on a package. I knew the automated voice
response system wouldn't be able to handle
this issue so I immediately said, "customer service."

It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and
then insisted that I first pick from its menu, none
of which items bore any resemblance to insurance
claims.

I tried "track a package." It recited the status,
followed by "Can I help you with anything else?"
I said, more insistently, "customer service," at which
it complained that that was the most recent shipping
information.

Exasperated--but a bit curious--I said, "Damn you,"
and after the little computing noise, it swiftly
transferred me to customer service.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 11:03 AM

"Daily News"

There was a man who, every day, would buy a
newspaper on the way to work, glance at the
headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.

Day after day the man would go through this
routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy
a paper and only look at the front page before
discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the
obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold
the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the SOB I'm looking for
will be on the front page."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 01:08 PM

Severed Head - the answer to your first question - concerning oriental people - they would become disoccidented.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 02:09 PM

WE WERE STAYING at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us.
       Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is."
       The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer."
       Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?"
       "Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 06:13 PM

A priest goes on holiday aboard a cruise ship. Because he thinks that the presence of a Man of the Cloth might inhibit his fellow passengers, he leaves behind his clerical garb and instead dresses in an outrageously loud Hawaiian shirt and a pair of shorts.

He is relaxing on the sun deck when a woman wearing the bottom half of a bikini and a pair of sunglasses passes by and says, "Hello, Father".

Astonished, he asks, "How on Earth did you know I was a priest?"

"Father, it's me! Sister Kathleen!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 08:44 PM

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 12:13 AM

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to horse flesh, and, before very long, there were many others and They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, (or as it came to be known "eBay") he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began,


It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 10:41 AM

Here, in Western Colorado, that last joke might get you knocked out by a member of the Native American tribe known as the "Utes" and they are not named after an automobile!:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 11:26 PM

Oh dear, 2 strikes...


Revenge is sweet at any age.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Subject: Heartwarming

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at an Elementary in Thorsby forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Thorsby School:

God Bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Sep 08 - 12:43 AM

Naw, that last wasn't a strike, just a note in case you're ever up here.:-)

You've hereby redeemed yerself with that last one!LMAO!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Sep 08 - 10:09 AM

"GOLF"

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was
entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.

GOLFER, n. a guy who has the advantage over
a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home
anything when he brags he had a great day.


"One of the advantages bowling has over golf
is that you seldom lose a bowling ball."
-- Don Carter, pro bowler

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can't see him laughing.

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's
golf game. It is called an eraser.

Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than
dirt.

Life is like a game of golf: you drive hard to get to
the green and then you end up in a hole.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the
ground with clubs and yelled, it was called
witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Sep 08 - 08:06 AM

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.















If you can't eat it or play with it,












Pee on it and walk away.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Sep 08 - 09:36 AM

"How to Start a Divorce"

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror
remarked to her husband,

'I look horrible, I feel old, fat and ugly. Pay
me a compliment!'

He replies,

'You have perfect eyesight!'


---------

"Gift for a Wife"

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees
he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said.
"Last week I asked her what she wanted for
her birthday."

"And???" Bill asked.

"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me
something with diamonds in it'."

"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: alanabit
Date: 24 Sep 08 - 02:20 PM

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: heric
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 01:25 PM

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer And would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were The catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and The concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 02:51 PM

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud.
So you are speaking about Czechs ...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 04:24 PM

In response to DaveO's post on Golf:

Golf is flog spelled backwards.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Sep 08 - 08:23 PM

What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?

I don't know.

A herring.

A herring isn't green.

It is if I paint it green.

A herring doesn't hang on the wall.

It does if I hang it there.

But surely, a herring doesn't whistle.

1. You're right, it doesn't.
2. Nu, so it doesn't whistle.
3. So I lied.
4. I just put that in to make it harder.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Sep 08 - 10:30 AM

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!"

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her!"

"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "She's not too skinny, she's not too fat. She's just right!"

"Right," the father replied. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: heric
Date: 29 Sep 08 - 06:09 PM

A doctor says to McCain: "The economy is going down the toilet and you have Alzheimer's disease". McCain responds: "Thank God the economy isn't going down the toilet".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 01:09 PM

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers hurried round with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only bloody monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 11:28 PM

Following the problems with Lehmann Bros and the sub-prime lending market in the USA uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikasi Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff there may get a raw deal.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Oct 08 - 10:07 AM

"Internet Warning"

If you get an e-mail with "Nude photos of Sarah
Palin" in the subject line, do not open it.

It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude photos of Hillary
Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it.

It may contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 09:46 AM

Joe F - I thought that one was made up by my family when I was little until it showed up in that bizarre, bizarre movie that I can't recall the name of! But with us it was a mackerel...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 02:21 PM

"The Wisdom of King Solomon"

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging
between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for
silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall
hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man
must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 05:50 PM

A shark is just about to eat a squid and it cries out,please don't eat me today I am not feeling well and I've already had a shit day.The shark ignores his pleas and takes him down to the depths of the ocean where his Wife and baby sharks are and spits it out in front of her.
"What's this" she cries
"It's that sick squid I owe you"

Al
I bet I lose my membership with this one.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 06:42 PM

The cure for AIDS is in the palm of your hand.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: astro
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 07:00 PM

Alan,

That's a joke that takes us Americans it bit more than a moment to get the laugh out of... !

~ Becky in Tucson
(Desert Dancer on astro's computer)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 04 Oct 08 - 12:43 PM

Sorry Becky in for a penny and in for a quid.
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Oct 08 - 09:58 PM

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
A. Alexander the Grape.

Q. Why need you never go hungry on the seashore?
A. Because of the sand which is there.

Q. What does a pious Jew do before he drinks tea?
A. He opens his mouth.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 03:51 PM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his nine-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, sir," the youngster answered.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

"Yes, sir," the player confirmed.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a peckerhead. Do you understand all that?"

"Yes, sir," the boy admitted.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumbass, is it?"

"No, sir," the boy said, starting to look embarrassed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your father!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 07:56 PM

Why is 77 better than 69?









Because you get 8 more...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 08:19 PM

A man got a phone call from his doctor's office. The doctor said, "I've got some bad news, and I've got some even worse news."

"Uh oh," said the man, "what's the bad news?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you remember those tests we ran about a month ago? They came back, and the results say you only have thirty days to live."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the man, "If that's the bad news, what could the even worse news be?"

"Well," said the doc, "we misplaced your phone number and just found it today. The test results came back twenty-nine days ago."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 08:27 AM

A guy gets an invitation to a fancy dress party, but can't think what to go as. Finally he's gets a brainwave. He turns up at the party, totally naked, carrying his girlfriend. The host looks at them in astonishment. "Er...what have you come as?"

"Oh", he says, "I've come as a turtle. This is Michelle on my back."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 10:03 PM

What's the square root of 69?
Oh, 8-something.

*

"My car can hold 71 people: two in front, and 69 in the back seat."
A Chinese graduate student was once told that joke. He puzzled for a moment, and then asked "What does two in front mean?"

*

Once there was a man who played the cello incessantly, but he was odd in that his cello had only one string, and he never played but one note on it. Finally, his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings on their cellos, and they move their fingers around so that different notes come out?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

*

A man had made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. He said "I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but my friends insisted. They think I'm crazy because I like pancakes." "Why, there's certainly nothing crazy about that. In fact, I like pancakes myself." "Do you really? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Oct 08 - 04:50 AM

This guy is looking very depressed and his friend asks him what's wrong... "i have seen a specialist and he says I must take a certain pill each day for the rest of my life"   His friend says "But surely that's not so depressing"? ..... "No said the guy but he only gave me three pills"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Oct 08 - 08:42 PM

Said to be J. Robert Oppenheimer's favorite joke:

A man took his car to the garage to have the tires rotated. After he had driven away about a block, a wheel fell off. The mechanic had forgotten to put the nuts on. While the driver was contemplating the situation, "Hey!" came a voice from above. Looking up, he saw that he had come to rest in front of an insane asylum and an inmate was looking out a barred window. "Hey!" he said, "Take one nut off each of the other four wheels." "Thanks!" said the driver, and then, wanting to be polite, "Say, you're not so crazy after all." "Sure I'm crazy," yelled the madman, "but I'm not stupid."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 02:17 PM

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: curmudgeon
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 03:06 PM

10. Cunard Lines will merge with Aer Lingus...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 12:11 AM

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: julian morbihan
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 12:29 PM

Two women talking on Southampton docks

Woman One: "My husband works for Cunard"
Woman Two: "My husband works very hard too"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 07:29 PM

One day, a long, long time ago, there was a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But that was a long long long time ago, and it was just that one day.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 08:21 PM

Further to the posting above from quokka on 07 Oct 08 at 08:27 AM, here is a photo of Howard the Turtle with Michelle, along with some guy choking his chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 09:28 PM

Words of Wisdom

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle.
-Winston Churchill*

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people
in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey,

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Larry Nevels (2008)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class....save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 11:51 PM

Orderly: Roll over, Sergeant, I have to take your temperature.
. . .
Nurse: Why, Sergeant, what are you doing like that?
Sergeant: The orderly is taking my temperature.
Nurse: With a daffodil?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 12:31 AM

As the farmer drove his wagonload of manure past the local insane asylum, a patient out in the yard said to him:
"What's that?"
"Manure"
"Whatcha gonna do with it?"
"Put it on my strawberries"
"Damn. I put cream on mine. And they call me crazy."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 01:50 AM

Joe F - that one appeared in one of the (in)famous British Comedy Movies - not sure which one - pretty sure it was not the 'Carry On' series, but if it did, I think it was also in "Once around the daffodils"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 02:01 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters ... 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 05:19 AM

To Bob the Postman -LOL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 06:52 AM

A platoon of Aussie soldiers were patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, right wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian and acts like one too!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
'And so there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing and chatting away when a truck hit us.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 08:36 PM

The daffodil gag was in Carry On Nurse. The punchline was a close-up of the daffodil in situ (the actual situ being off-camera) rapidly wilting.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Oct 08 - 10:02 PM

The nun in the cab...

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Oct 08 - 11:20 PM

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Oct 08 - 04:12 PM

Apparently the airfield at Kanakanak, Alaska, is to be renamed the Palindrome.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 03:02 AM

Once upon a time in a village, a flashy man appeared and announced to all the villagers that he would buy monkeys from them for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, left their farms and became monkey wranglers. They went out to the forest and started catching them. The flashy man bought thousands at the proposed price.

The supply started to diminish and monkeys grew much harder to find. The villagers stopped their efforts and returned to their neglected farms.

The flashy man announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 a head. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But, of course, this depleted the number of monkeys to be found even more and meant it was even more work to catch one. So again people left off monkey wrangling and started going back to their farms.

Now the flashy man increased his offer to $30 each and the resulting supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The flashy man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 apiece!

However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his less-flashy assistant would now be buying on behalf of him.

But, in the absence of the flashy man, the less-flashy assistant went to the villagers on the side and said, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the flashy man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 apiece. Then, when the flashy man returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50 each."

So the villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the flashy man nor his less-flashy assistant again. They were all broke and surrounded by feces-hurling monkeys.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market really works.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bainbo
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 07:28 PM

The saloon doors swung open and three cowpokes, still dusty from the trail, strode in. Two of them were tall, kind of handsome in a grizzled sort of way, and wore their hats pulled low over their eyes in a way calculated to start the ladies fluttering and gossping about who they might be. The third, walking between them, was five foot nothing, tobacco dripping from the end of the grey bristles that stuck out from his jutting chin, and loooked like he'd seen more days in the saddle than both of his companions put together. It was like Gary Cooper and Randolph Scott had teamed up with Gabby Hayes.

Spurs jangling, they made straight for the bar, where they noticed right away that the barmaid was wearing what must have been the shortest dress ever seen in the West - and they couldn't be sure she was wearing a great deal beneath it. It was that kind of establishment.

What they really wanted was a whiskey. But what they wanted even more was to find out what those rustling folds beneath the barmaid's belt concealed. The whiskey was right there behind the bar. But the more unusual drinks, the ones that didn't hardly ever get asked for, were way up a height, right on the top shelves. So high that any bar employee wanting to reach them would have to use a ladder. And there was the ladder, waiting to be used.

The first guy took a look along the topmost shelf. "Gimme a raisin wine," he growled. And three pairs of eyes lifted in unison as the long, smooth legs climbed ladder, and continued to watch as they descended. The owner of the lanky limbs poured the wine. then climbed the ladder to return the bottle to its niche, still with an appreciative audience.

"What are you having, Mister?" she asked the second customer. He knew what to do. "I'll have the raisin wine," he said, and so the whole routine was repeated.

After she returned to the floor level she turned to the third. "What about you, old timer? Is yours a raisin?"

"No, ma'am," he replied. "But it sure is a-twitchin'."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 08:48 PM

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'
Mick gets worried; He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
'I KNEW IT...
I'm not going'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 09:42 PM

Cluin: That's the SECOND time that story has been posted in this very thread!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 10:27 PM

Jim Dixon: Not by me.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 11:24 PM

Midwinter in the old West.
Frost-covered cowpoke rides slowly into town.
Dismounts outside the bar.
The drinkers inside watch as he breaks the icicles off the tie-rail and wraps the reins around it.
His horse coughs, and emits a stream of explosive diarrhea.
Cowpoke walks to the back end of the horse, lifts its tail and kisses its asshole.
He saunters into the bar and orders a beer.
The clientele crowd around to gawp at the liquid horseshit running down his chin.
One, braver than the rest, says 'Whut jedoothat fir, pardner?'
Frosted cowpoke points at his mouth. 'Got chapped lips.'
Clientele emit 'Ahs' of understanding, and one says, 'Does horseshit cure chapped lips, then?'
Frosted cowpoke sips his beer, then speaks slowly. 'Nope. But it stops me lickin' 'em.'


PS This is the clean version.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 11:30 PM

The first black man to move into an all-white neighborhood is out mowing his lawn on a Saturday morning. A neighbor happens by, sees him, and says "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" The black man says slowly "Well, I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 12:53 AM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three Wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to Mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband The most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and He will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he Will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is Mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild Heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here

And continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.



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...

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...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
Smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that Women never listen.... now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 01:23 AM

A mouse looked through the crack

In the wall to see the farmer

And his wife open a package.



What food might this contain?'

The mouse wondered - - -
He was devastated to discover

It was a mousetrap.



Retreating to the farmyard,

The mouse proclaimed the warning :



There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!'




The chicken clucked and scratched,

Raised her head and said,

'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave

Concern to you, but it is of no consequence

To me. I cannot be bothered by it.'





The mouse turned to the pig and told him,



'There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!'





The pig sympathized, but said,

'I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse,

But there is nothing I can do about it

But pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.'




The mouse turned to the cow and said,

'There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!'




The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse.

I'm sorry for you,

But it's no skin off my nose.'

So, the mouse returned to the house,

Head down and dejected,

To face the farmer's mousetrap . . . Alone.

That very night a sound was heard

Throughout the house -- like the sound

Of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.




The farmer rushed her to the hospital,

And she returned home with a fever.




Everyone knows you treat a fever

With fresh chicken soup, so the farmer

Took his hatchet to the farmyard

For the soup's main ingredient.




But his wife's sickness continued,

So friends and neighbors came to sit

With her around the clock.

To feed them,

The farmer butchered the pig.







The farmer's wife did not get well;

She died.




So many people came for her funeral,

The farmer had the cow slaughtered to

Provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his

Crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is

Facing a problem and think it doesn't

Concern you, remember ----

When one of us is threatened,

We are all at risk.




We are all involved in this

Journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for

One another and make an extra effort

To encourage one another.




REMEMBER. . . . .


EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

FOR A REASON.




One of the best things to hold onto

In this world is a FRIEND!!


~~~~~~~~~~
I probably should have put this into one of the election threads... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 05:11 PM

"Bungee Jumping In Mexico"

While Al and Joe were bungee jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own bungee jumping service
in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their
money and buy everything they'll need: a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to
Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather
to watch them work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch
him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes
back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses
him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he
comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe
catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A
PIÑATA?"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 07:23 PM

Dunno, Dave, what IS a pinata? It's late and I'm on the Doom Bar you see...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Justin U
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 07:49 PM

I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 02:43 AM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for any answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise'. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time and rest, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to remind my wife that the word is sternum."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 04:16 AM

FYO

A piñata is a brightly-colored paper container filled with candy and/or toys. It is generally suspended on a rope from a tree branch or ceiling and is used during celebrations. A succession of blindfolded, stick-wielding children try to break the piñata in order to collect the sweets (traditionally sugarcane) and/or toys inside of it. It has been used for hundreds of years to celebrate special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas and Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 08:11 PM

Cheers Dave. Somehow I feel that the moment has passed...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Oct 08 - 04:43 PM

Subject: Monkeys for Sale

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further, and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort even to find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy them on his behalf.

While the man was absent, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 23 Oct 08 - 04:52 PM

What's the rate of folk processing? How does the text of Kat's post immediately above compare with Cluin's 20 Oct 08 - 03:02 AM ? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 01:05 AM

That's a triple on the monkey joke...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 01:54 AM

Are you expecting the price of the monkey joke to rise?

Do we have a monkey joke bubble?

And where is Chongo when we need him?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:51 AM

I first posted on September 30th and I claim my £5.00 ($8.00 approx.)

I wonder - time for a 6th joke thread to take us up to Xmas?

At the moment I don't have a joke to start it off.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:59 AM

Too early n a morning. First posted the "Stock Market Monkey" story of course.

I suppose it isn't a joke really. Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:38 AM

Continued on 6th Joke thread