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25 Nov 04 - 07:12 PM (#1339228) Subject: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Ted from Australia To The Citizens of The United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Lo! ok up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to earn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event c! alled the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though most of you are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation. |
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25 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM (#1339236) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: artbrooks Interesting...but it would have been just as good to put the link to one of the 796 web sites where this currently resides. |
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25 Nov 04 - 07:41 PM (#1339239) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Blissfully Ignorant What's wrong with Utah? |
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25 Nov 04 - 07:52 PM (#1339250) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: pdq Utah voted 71.09% for George W.Bush and 26.38% for Kerry. That is a 44.71% margin of victory. Country-wide was 3%. |
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25 Nov 04 - 07:53 PM (#1339252) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Little Hawk It's run by the Mormons. Don't ask. |
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25 Nov 04 - 07:54 PM (#1339254) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Blissfully Ignorant Ah... |
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25 Nov 04 - 08:07 PM (#1339262) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: pdq Utah is the locus of concentration for people who have seen Bigfoot. Also for people who have been abducted by UFOs. |
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25 Nov 04 - 08:09 PM (#1339263) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Blissfully Ignorant No wonder they voted for Bush then...Republican anal probes, see. |
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25 Nov 04 - 08:13 PM (#1339265) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Blissfully Ignorant Ah, i'm forgetting. They don't like that sort of thing, do they? |
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25 Nov 04 - 08:29 PM (#1339276) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: pdq I think the term you are looking for is anal-retentive. Very "Utah". Here are some examples: "You might be anal-retentive if... ...you alphabetize your spices. ...you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or gramatically correct. ...you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme" |
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25 Nov 04 - 08:49 PM (#1339290) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Blissfully Ignorant Nah, it's anal probes. When the aliens abduct you, they stick a probe up your arse. Or so i've heard... |
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25 Nov 04 - 09:09 PM (#1339302) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: pdq Actually, I think what happens to people who are abducted by UFOs is they tend to write books. Don't know for sure . I live in the neighboring sate of Nevada. We are justly sceptical of people from Utah. To continue... "You might be anal-retentive... ...if you fold your dirty clothes ...if you sort a pound of "mixed nuts" into its seven component types before serving them to your Christmas guests ...if you vacuum-out the fireplace after each use" |
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25 Nov 04 - 09:37 PM (#1339309) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: artbrooks Utah is a nice place, with a lot of beautiful country and many intelligent people. The state does have a Mormon majority, but a good many of them are what are called "Jack" (meaning unobservant) Mormons. What it doesn't have is an very active Democratic party. |
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25 Nov 04 - 09:39 PM (#1339310) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: GUEST,Bobert Heck you can have my gun but don't mess with my football, gol dangit, 'er we're gonna have to put another Waterlou on you... Ahhhh, make that Yorktown... No matter... Mess wid the football an' yer gonna have a fight on yer hands... agin... Bobert |
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25 Nov 04 - 10:03 PM (#1339318) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Rapparee You tell 'em, Bobert. Them limeys ain't a-gittin' mah guns! No sir! Too gol-danged many injuns out where I live -- and I ain't a-talkin' about Bannocks, Shoshones, Utes, Paiutes, Apaches, Navahos, Blackfoot, Crows, Sioux, Arikari, Nez Perce, er the rest of 'em, either. They's right nice folks. Nosir! I'm a talkin' 'bout...Redcoats! Yessir! We had us a guy race through the town on a horse yellin' "The British are comin'!" jist the other day. Cain't never tell when them lobsterbacks'll try ta take Idaho back fer the Hudson's Bay Company, and when they do we're ready fer 'em! |
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25 Nov 04 - 10:12 PM (#1339321) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Midchuck I might take offense at all of it except paragraph 12, which is, sadly, perfectly correct. IMO. Peter. |
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25 Nov 04 - 10:19 PM (#1339326) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Pogo LOL *drawls* Us'uns in the South speak the Queen's English...ain't that enough to satisfy yawl? |
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25 Nov 04 - 10:30 PM (#1339328) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Once Famous Ted from Australia, please tell us what it is like to fornicate with a koala. |
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26 Nov 04 - 03:34 AM (#1339442) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: PoppaGator I believe there are far more UFO abductees per capita among my neighbors in Mississippi than in Utah. Why is it that the aliens never seem to abduct city folk or college graduates? Perhaps rednecks somehow make for better probing; there's no accounting for advanced nonhuman taste, I suppose... |
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26 Nov 04 - 03:37 AM (#1339443) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Paco Rabanne Ted from Australia, I like the cut of your jib sir! |
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26 Nov 04 - 03:52 AM (#1339462) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: GUEST,Mingulay What's an unobservant Mormon? Is that a euphamism for visually impaired? Does he need a large print Bible? Re abductees, there's a TV ad running in the UK at the moment where a swamp dwelling redneck is rejected by aliens in favour of a container load of Grolsch lager. |
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26 Nov 04 - 04:08 AM (#1339478) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Little Hawk And why the hell wouldn't someone write a book if they were abducted by a UFO, pdq? It's certainly more interesting than a lot of other subjects people appear moved to write on... :-) It is an urban myth that only rednecks get abducted. It sounds good, so people say it. It's not even vaguely true. Matter of fact, it's probably a deliberate story planted by the same government people who make it their business to ridicule anyone whom they want to shut up about such matters. Ridicule is their standard method of attack. |
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26 Nov 04 - 09:17 AM (#1339645) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Bunnahabhain The only effective way to reclaim the USA is one girlfreind ( or boyfriend, if that's your preferance ) at a time. It may not make for as exciting television as reigeme change by force, but it is rather more fun... Of course, as I'm meeting Americans in Edinburgh, they are in the 25% who actually hold a passport, and 2.15% who've heard of the outside world, and therefore, on average don't exist..... |
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26 Nov 04 - 09:54 AM (#1339685) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Little Hawk It's a conundrum all right... I would rather see the North American Indians reclaim the USA than the British. |
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26 Nov 04 - 10:13 AM (#1339707) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: mack/misophist re Mormons Observant (orthodox?) Mormons are required to do a lot of special things*. Some people want to be Mormon without going to the extra trouble. They're called Jack Mormons. *Shun coffee, keep a year's supply of food, tithe, wear special underwear, etc. |
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26 Nov 04 - 01:56 PM (#1339876) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: DougR Ted: you fail to note that a majority of the voters selected Bush. The minority does not rule in the U. S. I was under the impression that your country operated the same way. The election is over, though, and it's time to get on to other things. DougR |
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26 Nov 04 - 02:07 PM (#1339883) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Little Hawk Oh, ha! ha! You are so naive, Doug. A majority! LOL! |
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26 Nov 04 - 03:47 PM (#1339959) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: artbrooks Is there a popular election for PM in Australia? I somehow thought that it worked the same way as in the UK, where the head of the party (and there are several more than 2) which wins the largest number of seats (and this is not necessarily the majority party) is the PM. Being an ignorant Yank, I expect that I've omitted several steps. |
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26 Nov 04 - 05:09 PM (#1340031) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Little Hawk In Canada also one votes not for the PM (unless one is in his own personal riding), but for the local party member (or independent) of one's choice. The party leader of the party with the most seats becomes the PM. An embarrassing situation could arise if he lost his own riding, but his party still won the election...I don't think it has ever happened, because they always make sure to run in a riding where they won't lose. |
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26 Nov 04 - 05:16 PM (#1340037) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Richard Bridge Er - Gibson, check the claws on a koala, then try raping one. It might improve you. Kangaroos are more technically interesting, but can also be very dangerous. |
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26 Nov 04 - 07:02 PM (#1340102) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: DougR Little Hawk: word hasn't reach you yet that Bush won the election by a comfortable margin? Maybe the newspaper publishers in Canada are still hoping. Write a letter to them and tell them this election is over and Bush won. I'd appreciate it. DougR |
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26 Nov 04 - 08:09 PM (#1340155) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: McGrath of Harlow "...the 796 web sites where this currently resides."? I've just checked with Google, and the current total appears to be 31,800. Still it's pretty funny. Any idea where it originated from? This is a kind of 21st century folklore, really. |
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27 Nov 04 - 03:45 PM (#1340647) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: McGrath of Harlow Up to 32,100 now. |
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27 Nov 04 - 04:02 PM (#1340662) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: Cluin It made the email (or is that e-mail?) rounds in 2000, after the last election and made more sense then. |
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27 Nov 04 - 06:18 PM (#1340764) Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah) From: jacqui.c It's also on the thread 'just a laugh'. I'm doing the job by stealth - I married an American and am doing all I can to bring the colonials back into the fold. |