 sj |
||
|
||
BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
|
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Oct 11 - 10:13 AM "New Pastor's Sermons" A church received a new pastor. On his first sermon he spoke for ten minutes. The second sermon he spoke was about forty minutes. Yet the third message lasted almost two hours, as the pastor watched the time and asked the Lord to let him close. Before the next service several of the members had a talk with him, "Pastor," they said, "We love the messages you have given us, but we don't understand why the time frame difference." The pastor replied with, "On the first day I had just received a new set of teeth, and after the first ten minutes they began to hurt, and I asked the Lord to let me close." "The second message lasted about forty minutes, which is about normal for me."
"I was amazed at the length of the third one. I could |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Oct 11 - 05:11 PM Yeah, two at once, not to mention the wandering jew pun, not bad, eh? One of the worst jokes I've heard in years! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 21 Oct 11 - 06:48 AM If it takes a man 20 minutes to chew a ham, how long will it take him to chew a hammer? Give up? It depends whether he is a professional or a hammer-chewer. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Ref Date: 20 Oct 11 - 09:39 PM Hey, Mrr at work, nothing like an offensive stereotype... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Oct 11 - 08:32 PM "The New Hunter" It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 19 Oct 11 - 06:24 AM Great joke, John. But, just a suggestion, wouldn't "yellow-prick toad"...? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: John MacKenzie Date: 19 Oct 11 - 04:48 AM So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off........... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you know what's coming don't you ? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you'll be sorry after this.... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ she flew off, saying....... "Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 18 Oct 11 - 08:15 PM If Descartes had been Jewish: "M. Descartes, how do I know I exist?' "Who's eskink?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Oct 11 - 10:42 AM "Good Dog" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Mrr at work Date: 17 Oct 11 - 09:01 PM So, the Jewish pedophile is scouting the neighborhood in his van... ...Hey, little boy, would you like to buy some candy? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Oct 11 - 10:31 AM "Left-Handed" Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it. And he did it left- handed!" This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" --------- "Learning To Spell" My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G-O-D". "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:07 AM "The Proposal" Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver- haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:06 AM "Medical Alert!" A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA.) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Oct 11 - 08:54 AM "Mid-Life Barbie" Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age- blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 05 Oct 11 - 09:30 PM Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. Doctor: Hmm, interesting. What are you taking for it? Woman: Snuff. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:32 PM A pious person prays: "O Lord, I have heard that a thousand years are as but a minute to Thee. Then it must be that a thousand dollars are as but a penny. If it be Thy will, might I have one of those pennies?" A voice from heaven thunders: "Sure. Just a minute." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:16 AM The two commentators for the USA vs Brazil soccer match had discussed the pre-match stats and were ready to go to the break when the Brazil team take the field. The camera zooms in showing that every team member has shaved the two sides of their heads: Comm 1: Are those 'mohawks'? Comm 2: No, they're Brazilians! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Oct 11 - 02:46 PM We don't serve your kind here, said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 03 Oct 11 - 04:27 PM A man entered a bank in Liverpool and approached a window with the nameplate Patrick O'Connor. "Good morning. My name is Ali-Abu Jagger and I wish to borrow a million pounds." "Well, sor, we would need to have some pretty good security for a sum like that." The man took a pin from his cravat. "Those are all real diamonds. I think this should provide sufficient collateral.' "Excuse me, sor; I must just consult the manager."... "There's a man outside called Ali-Abu Jagger," said Mr O'Connor, "and he says he wants to borrow a million on no security but this knick-knack." The manager, a local man, examined the diamond pin carefully with a jeweller's lens. "Why ~~ that's no knick-knack, Paddy wack! Give the wog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,999 Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:51 PM It ain't funny! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:38 PM tx |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:39 PM 'orse piss |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:31 PM He heard it as "[H]orse piss". |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:25 PM OK, how does a cockney pronounce Auspice? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:12 AM "New Son In Law" A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 13 Sep 11 - 08:52 PM You know about the Cockney boy who looked like winning the spelling bee until he failed dreadfully on "auspice". |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST Date: 13 Sep 11 - 05:06 AM At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." "Correct." A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Sep 11 - 08:41 AM "Caffeine Psalm" Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze, It maketh me to wake in green pastures. It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses, It restoreth my buzz. It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal. For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez, Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 30 Aug 11 - 09:33 AM Old Guy at the Gym An older guy was working out at the gym. He was not in very good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room. She was gorgeous! He finally caught the trainer's eye and motioned him over. "Can I help you?" the buff expert asked. "Yeah," the graying, paunchy, guy said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. "That girl over there...." The trainer takes a quick look. "Ah, Ramona. She's in great shape, eh?" "Yeah," the guy says, puffing. "What machine in this place should I use to impress her?" "There's only one machine that could possibly work, if you're up to it," the trainer said. "What!?" the sweaty flab-master demanded. "The ATM in the lobby." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Aug 11 - 09:04 PM "How to Dump a Man" Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply... ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. ___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___You still live with your parents. ___Although I did enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. ___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, Cruella de Ville |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 24 Aug 11 - 09:28 PM Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? A: The Blessed Bee! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Aug 11 - 12:29 PM "The Salary Theorem" "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money then Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Aug 11 - 11:47 AM "Desert Bare Necessities" A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were in the desert, when their car stalled. After a conference about walking to civilization, they decided that each of them could take one item from the car. The redhead took a canteen of water, the brunette took a bag containing a sandwich, and the blonde took the car door. As they were walking the redhead decided to make conversation, so she asked the brunette, "Why did you bring the food?" And the brunette answered back, "In case I get hungry, I will have something to eat." And she asked back to the redhead,"Why did you bring the water?" The redhead replied, "In case I get thirsty, I will have something to drink." They both turned to the blonde and asked her why she brought the door, and she said, "In case it gets hot, I can roll down the window!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 18 Aug 11 - 04:38 PM I know an ever worse one than the one I posted yesterday. But instead: In Russia, in the evil days of the Tsar, two brothers, Yosl & Moish, ran a tavern together. One evening, after closing time, they took their sleigh into town to buy a barrel of vodka. They took turns cautioning each other that this was strictly business & they must not dip into the stock. On the way home, however, the weather turned miserable, and Yosl discovered that he had a kopeck in his pocket, and had an idea. "Moish," he said, "Here is a kopeck. Sell me a shot out of *your* half of the barrel." "Well," says Moish, "Business is business. I can't turn down a paying customer." So now Yosl has a shot of vodka, and Moish has a kopeck. Obviously -- well, you get the idea. By the time the horses have found their way home, the brothers are in perfect agreement that business has never been better. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Aug 11 - 09:03 AM "100 Camels" As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence... Silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 17 Aug 11 - 08:25 PM An ogre chased & finally caught an Irishwoman. "Oh!" she cried, "Are you going to eat me whole?" "Nah," said the ogre, "I'll spit that part out." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity Date: 18 Aug 11 - 01:33 PM What is the difference between a shower curtain, and toilet paper??? Now that you can't figure it out....... ....You're not using MY bathroom! GfS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Aug 11 - 11:15 PM "The Lab Bunny" {Hopefully, things have changed since then...} A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I've had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Andrez Date: 10 Aug 11 - 07:13 AM A husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!!.. Cheers, Andrez |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,999 Date: 08 Aug 11 - 03:25 PM Guy said he got a old used car for his wife. His buddies answered, "Good trade!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:01 PM As is well known, a professor who is 15 minutes late is a great rarity. Indeed, it may be said that he is in a class by himself. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Aug 11 - 08:35 PM Ah, and then there was the student who went to hand in his blue-book exam a day late, and finds an annoyed professor behind a stack of books to be graded who refuses to accept the late exam. Do you know who I am? asks the student indignantly. No! Good! says the student, shoving the exam into the middle of the stack and walking out. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 07 Aug 11 - 03:02 PM Reminded by this last one of the professor in similar circumstances who, knowing he would be unavoidable detained for more then the 5 minutes students were expected to wait, placed his hat in advance on the lecturer's table. Nevertheless, after 5 minutes the students dispersed. The professor reprimanded them severely at the beginning of the next lecture, pointing out that his hat on the table was a symbol of his presence and they should accordingly have waited patiently for his arrival. He arrived at the lecture after that to find a lecture room empty ~ except for several rows of hats placed carefully on every desk. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Aug 11 - 01:04 PM "No Penalties For Missing A Class" The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead one minute. So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock. (As fortune would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have one hour to complete." The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers. Life does teach some lessons the hard way. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: John MacKenzie Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:11 AM This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman In a brand new VW !! Doing 75Mph With her face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner! I looked away For a couple seconds And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.. But she scared me so much I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Which splashed, And burned "Big Jim and the Twins", Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. BLOODY Women Drivers!! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Aug 11 - 07:43 PM "Disturbance" One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She told the sergeant she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake." ------- "In Bad Shape" A man to his doctor. He said he was in bad shape. He reported that he constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors observed and tested him, and found that he constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged tremendously. They told him-- guess what--that he was in bad shape. They didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." The man said, "I know my size. I want the shirt collars in a fourteen." The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Aug 11 - 08:21 AM "Coffee Maker" Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 26 Jul 11 - 12:03 PM "Divine Golf" One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man were playing golf. Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green. Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green. The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 26 Jul 11 - 08:47 AM "Discharged" Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. "The bad news, though, is that Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 24 Jul 11 - 02:08 PM Judge: "And why did you slay your husband with the frying pan?" Defendant: "He didn't want to eat his mushrooms." |
